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Posts Tagged ‘Richie Rich’

Look, as a foodie, I’m the last person who is going to criticize someone’s menu selections.  If you want to shell out an extra $50 to top your scallops with Osetra caviar or spend $150 to finish that risotto with white truffle shavings, why not? Who am I to say anything?  On my first trip to Tokyo, I dropped over $200 on a modest wagyu (a taste experience so revelatory that, upon my return to North America, I was unable to eat regular steak for three years).  But I have to draw the line at this –

And this –

And this –

To answer the question posed in the last video (“Is a $90 24-karat gold burger worth it?”), I can say with utmost certainty:  No, it’s not fucking worth it.  Why not?  Well, because unlike Osetra caviar ($300/2 ounces), white truffles ($300/ounce), or an A5 Black Tajima tenderloin from Gunma Prefecture ($300/10 ounces), that edible gold tastes like absolutely nothing.  It is not only completely devoid of flavor, but chemically inert so that it will pass through your digestive system without effect.  Truly the only justification for ordering any of the afore-mentioned is that they allow you to proclaim “I shit gold!” and be literally correct, in addition to sounding like a complete asshole (as opposed to maybe being figuratively correct and sounding like an asshole).

As this culinary trend started to gather steam online, I wondered: “Who the hell would order this?”.  And, almost immediately, someone came to mind, an ostentatious grandstander who, as far back as I can remember, never hesitated to joyously remind everyone of his incredible affluence.  The kid who decorated his Christmas tree with diamonds and precious pearls because regular ornaments just wouldn’t do.  The kid who’d take a private gondola up to his tree house.  The kid who named his dog Dollar, then fed him kibble in the shape of dollar signs!

This little bastard, with a consumption so extravagantly conspicuous he’d put a rapper to shame, wouldn’t think twice about chowing down on gold-dusted wings, gold leaf burgers, and gold-sprinkled sundaes.  Why?  Because he can and he wants you to know  it.  Also, he’s always been a jerk.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s proof!  10 Times Richie Rich Was A Dick!

Hey, poor kid, nice boat!

My Jai alai match was cancelled, so I’ll just catch a ballgame like the regular folk.

Lest anyone forget how wealthy I am, let me remind you.  I bet half those kids hadn’t eaten a proper meal in days.

My work duties consisted of walking around with a retrofitted backpack so that my employer could watch t.v. while strolling.  Also, care of fine china, silver, and crystal.

I don’t play golf but I have a feeling this would, at the very least, be considered a breach of etiquette.  Fore, suckers!  

That’s not a top.  THIS is a top!  Just kidding.  It’s a 1200 carat diamond worth more than the lives of everyone you’ve ever loved.

What’s next?  Hire a couple of goons to work over those pesky third graders?

Dance for me, monkeys!

Replacing the stuffing of his glove with cash because…his opponents can’t afford to buy a decent pair of shoes.

Yeah, these coins grow naturally in my backyard.  Also, Santa is a close personal friend of mine – oh, and your grandma isn’t dead anymore.

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If I had to pick one comic book that I considered “the weirdest” growing up, it would have to be Richie Rich.  The title character was described as “the poor little rich boy” but I never found anything remotely poor about him, either literally or figuratively.  I suppose, one could make the argument that deep beneath the surface, Richie was a troubled soul.  In the end, all the riches in the world couldn’t buy him the one thing he desired most: true friendship.  Of course, in retrospect, making friends probably wouldn’t have been so hard if he hadn’t been such a dick.

1I can just imagine him in his best Crocodile Dundee: “Haha.  That’s not a car.  THIS is a car.”  Then reverses over the kid’s toy.  And quite possibly his little hand.

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How much does it cost to ship in an endangered tortoise from the Galapagos Islands?  And then stud its shell with precious gems?

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DON’T try this at Dodger home games.

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Nothing says “destitute and starved for affection” like a kid taking an old soup can for a walk.  But Richie looks pretty happy.  Happier still when he later fires a full broadside at the enemy ship.

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It’s like: “Dayamn, my top is so brilliant, I need sunglasses to play with it.”

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Structurally unsound, impractical, and energy deficient, but the new President of the Inuit Circumpolar Council has to represent.

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Yeah, I’m just going to look the other way while you finish grading my test.

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100’s are aerodynamically superior to 50’s and 20’s.

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Money doesn’t actually grow on trees. It grows on stalks so, technically, your parents weren’t lying to you.

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This is actually a great idea.  Next time you break a window, it’s automatically paid for.

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If only golf courses came with shops that allowed you to purchase golf-related items like golf balls – or hire non-chatty caddies.  “Yo, Overalls.  I’m putting over here!”

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Which all results in this.  Sad but not surprising.

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