May 20, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews X-Men: First Class!

Watching X-Men: First Class like dating smart, beautiful she-monster who be fantastik company – until she drink too much, start rambling, talk about her ex, linger over espresso, and leave you wishing date could have ended sometime after dessert and before she vomit in your cabriolet.  Disappointing because movie start off VERY strong but, sadly, overstay it’s welcome like a visiting uncle Herb.

Guess what number me tinking.  Wrong.  Blue!

Movie open in WWII concentration camp where boy, Erik, demonstrate superpower of magnetism when he get angry – much to de delight of evil Nazi, Professor Footloose (second worst miscasting in recent supermovie memory), who kill his mother to reawaken his abilities.  For some reason, Erik destroy room, crush nazi soldier skulls, but leave mom-killer alive – even tho monster pretty sure professor’s glasses could have been pretty effektive/gruesome weapon.

Meanwhile, in England, another boy, Charles Xavier, who have mind-reading/control powers, walk into his kitchen and befriend shapeshifter-burglar, Mystique.  Awww.  You see?  Mebbe you can make friends wit a burglar too if you only make de effort.

Magneto, Master of Tai-Chi

Twenty years later, everyone grown up (Which, incidentally, make dem in deir 20′s in de 1960′s.  So, doing de math, Professor X and Magneto be around 75 years old in de X-Men movies.).  Erik trying to track down Professor Footloose who, for some reason, look twenty years younger den he did during WWII.  In addition to better looking, he also got hisself three mutant assistants and plan to start WWIII.  He really tinking BIG!

Smiles, everyone.  Smiles!

Wit help of Charles Xavier and Mystique, CIA go after Professor Footloose.  But he eskape in sekret submarine which, incidentally, be standard on most supervillain yachts.  On de bright side, Charles make new ally in de process = brooding Erik.  BFF, dey team up and recruit teen mutants.

While teen mutants settle in and play Big Brother, Charles and Erik go to Russia where dey capture Professor Footloose henchwoman, Emma Frost (WORST miscasting in recent supermovie history) who about as interesting as a fish ice sculpture – and learn of his plan.

While Charles and Erik be in Russia, Professor Footloose attack teen mutants.  He kill one, take another, and massakre many CIA agents.

Believe it or not (and you probably not believe it by dis picture) but she one of de worst tings about dis movie.

Lots of time wasted wit secondary charakters.  Mutants train.  Den put on new team uniforms and go after Professor Footloose and co. while trying to head off nuclear war.  Plenty of action!  Explosions!  Cool visual effekts!  Erik finally get his revenge on Professor Footloose and steal his hat.  Charles paralyzed.  Nuclear war averted.

In movie’s final scenes, wheelchair-bound Charles open up school for gifted mutants.  Erik (aka Magneto), meanwhile, wit support of mercenary mutants inkluding Mystique, break White Queen out of jail. Presumably so dat she can get de help she needs.  Me hoping acting lessons!

Verdikt: A good movie dat about a half hour too long to be a great movie.

Rating: 7.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

Past supermovie reviews here: http://cookiemonstermovereviews.wordpress.com/ (Thor, Megamind, Green Hornet, etc.).

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May 6, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Megamind!

If you loved The Incredibles, den you won’t mind Megamind!  It like a diet version of de former – great-looking and still enjoyable, but wit half de charm, humor, and clever plotting.  It won’t fill you up wit needless terrifik memories.

Space Baby and Alien Goldfish

Movie get off to fantastik start wit opening sekwence/parody of Superman movie.  Little alien baby packed away in space pod wit his alien goldfish companion and fired off into space.  Unfortunately for him, he not only space baby fleeing a doomed world dat day.   Other space baby beat him to Earth and end up adopted by wealthy loving family.  Our space baby end up raised by loving prison convikts.  Talk about tuff love!

Growing up, our boy misunderstood at school – and showed up by space-born rival.  Me feel very sorry for him and scenes make Monster want to go out and hug a bad guy.  Which me did, hugging skeevy looking gangsta who always selling crystal meth on corner of 4th and Sesame.  Two hours later, after me discharged from hospital minus wallet and four teeth, Monster feeling less sympathetic and huggy, but certainly more worldly.

Anyway, eventually, both grow up and choose career paths.    Rival decides to become superhero and calls hisself…Metro Man!

Super douche

Our kid decide to become a supervillain and call hisself…Megamind!

He have many great battles wit Metro Man – but always get his ass kicked.  Until de day he succeed!  He aktually kill his hated rival, Metro Man!

De End!

No, wait!  For some reazon dat never fully explained, Megamind miss Metro Man.  Yes, me suppose it becuz a supervillain not really have purpose witout a superhero to battle.  It be like a yang missing his ying (Monster reminded of Grover’s uncle who lost HIS ying in machine shop accident, but dat a story for another time).  It make sense on a philosophical level but it never expressed in any grounded way.  As a result, it feel like a big cheat.  In many ways, it indikative of movie’s biggest fault – an  unwillingness on part of writer to fully exploit movie’s potenshul.  Megamind only half as funny as it should be; only half as smart as it could be.

Dis relationship give new meaning to de term “blue balls”.

Using holographic disguise generator (BTW, it on Monster’s Christmas list) Megamind woo pretty reporter.  But he still (presumably) missing a challenge so he create a superhero by injekting regular shlub wit super DNA.

Supershlub!

But supershlub turn out to be major supervillain.  And so, Megamind have to become superhero!

Final battle offers great visuals and even a cool twist or two dat Monster not reveal for fear of giving away spoilers dat Metro Man still alive and dat Megamind use his dehydrating gun to save hisself.

Bad guy becomes a good guy and gets de girl and everyone learn valuable lesson.  Megamind learn it never too late to change.  Reporter learn it always good to keep an open mind.  And Cookie Monster learn me missed a similar movie called Despicable Me dat me will have to watch somewhere down de line.

Verdikt: Better den most but not super.

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 29, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Green Hornet!

Do you have low expektations?  Are you annoyed by tings like logic and quality?  Are you a cretin?  If you answered yes to any of dese questions, den you may enjoy The Green Hornet.

Cool, no?  No.  Not really.

Movie open on Russian gangster who visit club owned by rival.  There, he make rival an offer he can’t refuse.  Rival refuse it anyway, so Russian pull out carefully concealed weapon – a big, clunky twin-barreled gun.  How possible for him to sneak it inside?  It not make any sense!  Russian kill bodyguards, make another offer, den get up and leave.  As he leaving, rival notice he forgot his briefcase and say: “Hey, you forgot your briefcase!”.  Seconds later – literally, dats all de time it takes for Russian to get out de office, thru de club, and out de front door – briefcase explode.  It not make any sense!!

We cut to Chateau Versailles where we introduced to multi-millionaire douchebag father and his multi-millionaire douchebag son. Britt. Father is unhappy wit son’s lifestyle.  He unhappier still when he supposedly get stung by bee, have allergic reaction and die.  Britt take over de family business and fire entire house staff – except guy named Kato because he know which buttons to push to make great coffee. Also, Kato be a terrifik mechanic who, for some reason, tricked out Britt’s dad’s car wit all sorts of James Bond gadgetry.  Why?  It not make any sense!!!

One night, Britt and Kato dress up in disguise and take head off father’s memorial statue.  Dey also end up stopping gang of muggers. Well, Kato stop dem.  Britt just try his best not to get in de way.

It not make any – shhhhhhhh.

Disguised Britt and Kato caught on security camera defacing father’s statue.  Britt inherit father’s newspaper and insist it publish headline story on mysterious criminal defacers, one of which he name Green Hornet.  Soon, everyone very interested in Green Hornet.  De media, citizens, even de Russian gangster.  But why?  Why de heck everyone suddenly interested in some guy just because he took de head off a statue?  Why powerful Russian gangster is worried about being upstaged by a costumed vandal?  IT NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!

Green Hornet and Kato in…De Case of de Missing Plot.

In order to decide next course of aktion, Britt have to hire self-proclaimed “criminal expert” temp to tell him what Green Hornet will do next.  Using her “expert insight”, he follow her predikted pattern: beating up criminals and generally causing trouble for Russian gangster.  Why Britt need to hire some temp to tell him what to do? IT NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!!

Faster den a speeding truck.

Russian try to kill Green Hornet and Kato – but dey eskape.  Den have a falling out because Britt tink Kato dating temp.  Den Kato tink Britt dating temp.  Ho hum.

Kato accept Russian’s offer to kill Green Hornet and get de drop on Britt (after completely implausible flashback sekwence in which Britt piece together complikated backstory for benefit of confused viewer.  It not make any sense by de way) – but it turn out he have no intention of killing him after all.  In de end, it not really matter because, for some reason, Russian gangsters and his thugs start shooting up de place before Kato can go thru wit it.  Why?  IT NOT MAKE ANY FREAKIN’ SENSE!

Shoot out!  Car chase!  Fights!  Entire floor of newspaper building destroyed but newspaper staff unaware dere be anyting going on until a half a car drive out of de elevator.  IT NOT MAKE ANY FREAKIN’ SENSE!!

Bad guys killed.  Britt, dressed up as Green Hornet, get shot in shoulder and eskape.  But he unable to go to hospital because den police will know HE de Green Hornet.  So he and Kato and temp come up wit brilliant plan: De next day, Britt give public speech – and interrupted by Kato who fake shoot him in de shoulder and drive away. Presumably, hospital staff won’t know difference between fresh and day-old gunshot wound and everyting a-okay.

Britt and Kato put head back on statue, restoring dignity to father’s legacy.  Sadly, same can’t be said for Green Hornet franchise.

Verdikt: Seriously!  It makes no sense!

Rating: 3 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 22, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Super!

Dis movie remind monster of Christmas family dinner.  It sound like a good idea and everybody expekt a good time but, instead, it end up being sad, depressing, and somebody always get hit in de head wit a big wrench.

God’s tentacles?

Movie begin wit lovable loser who happily married to woman way out of his league.  Wife suddenly come to dis realization one day and leave him to hook up wit Footloose criminal and become drug addikt.  Our hero understandably upset and, after getting beaten up by Footloose’s thugs, he inspired to become a superhero by Super Jesus t.v. show and weird trippy sekwence involving a bright lights, disembodied tentacles, and brain surgery.

Wow, de Flash really let himself go.

He design his own superhero outfit and become…Crimson Bolt!  He hang around, waiting for someting to happen, try to intervene in a crime, and get beat up.  After talking to cute girl in comic book shop, he take his cue from Batman’s bat-gadgets and make a key addition to his costume: a big frikkin’ wrench he use to hit people wit.  Dis little tweak make all de difference and soon, Crimson Bolt be taking on drug dealers, child molesters, and line cutters.

Outfit inspired by Robin. And de Oregon Ducks cheerleading squad.

Go Justice!

Up to dis point, movie vacillate, sometimes awkwardly, between darkly humorous and weirdly discomforting, but here it start veering into downer territory.  Crimson Bolt crash bad guy’s house wit his trusty big wrench only to get chased off and shot in de leg.  He seek help of girl from comic book shop who, thrilled to find out his true identity, decide to create her own outfit and become his sidekick, Bolty!

Meanwhile, Footloose’s thugs go to our hero’s house to deal wit him – and end up shooting some poor, innocent detective instead.

Prepping for the big super finish.

Armed wit guns and bombs, Crimson Bolt and Bolty attack Footloose’s house.  Bolty get half her face blasted off and killed instantly – which be de least funny ting monster have seen in a comedy since Hangover II.  De entire movie.

Dis make Crimson Bolt angrier den Grover after last call.  He shoot and blow up bad guys.  Old Batman-style sound effects flash up on screen: POW!  BAM!

He take on Footloose and get de upper hand.  Footloose pleads for his life: “You really think that killing me… stabbing me to death is going to change the world?”

To which Crimson Bolt reply: “I can’t know that for sure, unless I try!”

And he does.

Our hero saves his wife and brings her home.  And dey live happily ever after.

No.  Correction.  Our hero saves his wife and brings her home.  And she leaves him for someone else.

But our hero is happy because he convince himself dat his wife’s new kids will someday save de world.

And he has pet bunny to console him.

Verdikt: A pretty funny premise dat be very poorly executed.  Unlike Kick-Ass’s amusing cartoon over-de-top violence, de shootings, bludgeonings, and blow-ups in Super be pretty grounded and graphic, undermining most of de humor.  What could have been a great dark comedy instead end up being weird, uneven, and depressing.

Rating: 4 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 8, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Super Capers!

If nothing else, Super Capers prove dat absolutely anyone can make a movie.  You not need to have a good idea or a good skript or good direktor or good aktors.  Just two million dollars and you too can take creative equivalent of a big, cheesy dump onscreen.

Some movies me have reviewed left monster happy.  Others left monster sad.  Still others left monster angry.  Dis be de first time a movie leave monster feeling embarrassed – for everyone involved with dis sorrowful excuse for a film.  And sad for anyone who watched it, espeshully me.   Also for everyone reading dis review.  Seriously.  You can be doing someting much more constructive wit your time, like sleeping or starting a drug habit.

Monster honestly thought it not possible to get any worse den Shark Boy and Lava Girl, but dat before me watched dis movie.  If SB&LG be bottom of de barrel, dis move be de big pile of crap de barrel sitting on top of.

Team Craptastic

Plot involve some superhero wit no real super powers who get sued by burglar he roughed up.  He get sentenced to halfway house where other lame superheroes-in-training reside.  Hilarity NOT ensue. Instead, we treated to leftover gags not funny enough for unfunny Superhero Movie, accompanied by cartoon sound effects and music cues dat be dere to remind audience dat Super Capers is supposed to be funny.  Oh, and some time travel.

Verdikt: Terruble on every possible level.  Monster can’t say for certain, but me pretty sure even de catering sucked.

Rating: 0 chocolate chippee cookies and potential bitter deathbed realization dis be 98 minutes of monster’s life me wish me could have back.

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April 7, 2013: Foodly Matters! And a Supermovie of the Week Club reminder!

The other night, Akemi and I checked out one of the buzziest Taiwanese restaurants in Vancouver, the well-reviewed, foodie favorite: Kalvin’s Szechuan Restaurant.  Akemi has a couple of Taiwanese friends who swear by the place and so, more than a little intrigued, we headed out to Victoria Street to see (and taste) for ourselves.

The restaurant is notoriously busy.  Reservations are recommended. And arriving promptly for your reservations is also strongly advised. Not wishing to take any chances, we booked a table for 5:30 p.m. and arrived early – only to realize it doesn’t open until 5:30 p.m.  And so, after a stroll through the neighborhood, we were at the door – then at our table – on time for our reservations.

It didn’t get busy until 6:00 p.m. or so at which point the tiny room was packed, mostly with – from what I could tell – regulars.  Prior to that, however, we had the place – and the staff – more or less to ourselves.  The service was attentive, friendly, and downright warm. We placed our orders and our dishes arrived sooner after, all bold, wonderfully balanced flavors.  Some of the highlights included…

Spicy pig’s ear.

Not for everyone but I love the texture – crunchy and chewy – and Kalvin’s version is, by far, the best I’ve ever had.  We were asked to specify a spice level and we elected to go medium, which packed a nice little kick.  Next time, I think I might hazard the hot.

Diced chicken and peanuts with chili peppers

The restaurant offers many traditional Taiwanese dishes but, as the name implies, some Szechuan fare as well – like the above dish, Akemi’s favorite.  A robust and, yes, fiery dish.  Despite their size, the chicken morsels are moist and tender, a step above the tougher, drier versions I’ve had elsewhere.

Shredded pork with garlic and chili sauce

This one came highly recommended on a couple of the foodie blogs and I wasn’t disappointed.  Also spicy but possessed of an aromatic spice I couldn’t quite place that simply wowed.

We rounded things out with a hearty, slightly sweet corn soup, 5-spice beef rolls, and a spring roll.  Throughout our meal, Chef and Owner Kalvin himself popped out of the kitchen – when it wasn’t too busy – to see how we were enjoying what we’d ordered.  And then, as more customers filed in, he broke off to greet them – most by name.  I felt like I was in the Cheers of Taiwanese restaurants.

According to Kalvin, his restaurant will celebrate 30 years in business this year.  30 years!  Given my first-time experience – and the obvious loyalty of his cliente – I’m not at all surprised.

Chef Kalvin and (I believe) his wife.

Kalvin’s Szechuan Restaurant (604-321-2888)

Open for lunch and dinner daily (except Wednesdays)

5225 Victoria Dr
Vancouver

Then, on Saturday, Akemi and I paid a return visit to the Bakers Market.  This time, Bubba stayed home so Akemi was free to take her time and roam the aisles.  Like last weekend, we loaded up on a variety of treats -

First stop was Mamaz Sweetz N’ Treatz where I picked up -

Red velvet white chocolate chip cookies.  Surprisingly, this was the first time I’d had red velvet in cookie form.  A winner.

Last week, I picked up chocolate biscotti from home baker Giada Vacca’s Treats and Blossoms.  On this visit, these caught my eye -

Amaretti – crunchy AND chewy, a tough balance to pull off.

A return visit to my friend at Life’s Lemons…

Last weekend, I was their first sale ever.  This weekend, they apparently sold out.  I’m clearly a trendsetter.

This time out, it was the Apple Pie shortbread cookies that tasted…yes, amazingly like apple pie!

[in the oven] offers assorted caramels and a killer salted caramel sauce.

The owner recognized me from last weekend and asked how I enjoyed the caramel sauce.  I admitted that I hadn’t tried it yet because I’d run out of ice cream.  ”You can eat it right out of the jar,”she assured me. “I won’t judge you.”  Well, I forgot to pick up ice cream on the way back home so I did end up trying it right of out of the jar after all.  And it was unbelievable.

Don’t judge me!

The gals from Sweet Talk, bakers of my surprise favorite on last weekend’s visit: the lemon poppyseed cake.  And, this weekend, I discovered they bake a pretty mean chocolate salted caramel tart.

And a return visit to Sweet Lily, this time for -

Chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, and lime cornmeal cookies.

Maple bourbon pecan brioche.

The ladies of (my favorite cupcakes) Vivi’s cupcakes, sweets and treats

Chocolate cupcake, red velvet cupcake, and cheesecake brownie.

The plan was to just sample a bit (so we could try a bit of everything) and have the rest after dinner.  Well, that WAS the plan.

Baker’s Market – Bakers Market – The Sweetest Event in Vancouver

Treats and Blossoms | Facebook

Life’s Lemons- sweet treats baking co. – Vancouver, BC – Community …

[in the oven]

http://wangamylee.wix.com/sweettalk

Sweet Lily Bakery – Vancouver, BC – Food & Grocery | Facebook

Vivi’s cupcakes, sweets & treats – Vancouver, BC … – Facebook

Finally, what sweet Saturday would be complete without a visit to Vancouver’s premiere chocolate shop: Beta 5.  Their selection changes monthly and, this weekend, they kicked off their April Union Pack with an outdoor theme: “On the Forest Floor”.  Among the offerings are “deer droppings” (a mix of 63% dark chocolate covered raisins, and 39% milk chocolate covered peanuts), melt-in-your-mouth “candy cap caramels” (earthy, sweet Candy Cap mushrooms captured in a buttery, caramel bite with a flavor reminiscent of maple syrup)…

French Toast Toadstools: house made brioche soaked in a ganache of “blonde” chocolate maple syrup, cinnamon and rum, then paired with a dollop of spiced apple butter.  Unbelievable.

Chocolate twigs: 45% milk chocolate and 63%, 72% and 85% dark chocolate sticks dusted with cocoa powder and presented on a bed of matcha white chocolate.  Akemi’s favorite!

Bark: olive oil and salt roasted Marcona almond, blended with 50% milk chocolate from Madagascar, and finished with a touch of flaked sea salt.  Nearly impossible to stop eating once you start.

They ship!  http://beta-5.com/

Our Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes tomorrow with guest film reviewer, Cookie Monster, weighing in on his latest superhero-themed screening: Super Capers.  If you haven’t already seen it in preparation for tomorrow’s discussion – spoiler alert! – it’s beyond awful.  Don’t bother.  But do stop in to check out monster’s thoughts on what could arguable be the worst superhero movie yet.

For Cookie’s previous supermovie reviews (as well as his opinion on Snakes on a Plane and There Will Be Blood), head on over here: http://cookiemonstermovereviews.wordpress.com/ 

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April 1, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Kick-Ass! Goa’uld-related news!

Dis film be filled wit violence, torture, and a little girl charakter more potty-mouthed den Grover dat time he developed “chemikal burns” on his blueberries after jacuzzi party wit Madonna.  It be a terruble, TERRUBLE movie for kids.

But a super, FANTASTIK movie for monster.  Me loved it!

Say hello to my little friends.

Kick Ass ask de qwestion: What if?  What if a regular kid wit no super powers or fancy gadjets, armed only wit de human spirit and courage of his own conviktions, decided to be a superhero?  What would happen?

Well, he would get the crap beat out of him and nearly killed of course. Which be exaktly what happen to our hero, a lovable high school loser after he buy himself a mail-order costume and take on persona of…Kick-Ass!  On de one hand, he almost die.  On de other hand, he rushed to hospital and get bunch of metal plates inserted into his broken body so dat, in his words, he “look like freakin’ Wovlerine!”. Yep, metal plates be terruble for getting thru airport security, but pretty great for taking punches to de head.  Just avoid standing too close to microwave ovens.

She could handle herself on de mean streets of Sesame

Kick-Ass hit de streets and test out his harder-to-hurt new body.  He still get de crap kicked out of him – but dis time, witnesses take cell phone videos of beatdown.  He become biggest internet sensation since square-dancing monkey.  Emboldened, he go have a talk wit ex-boyfriend of girl he like from skool.  Turn out he a drug dealer wit a short fuse for people who threaten and taze him.  Touchy!  He and his buddies about to kill Kick-Ass when – another superhero crash de party.  But, unlike Kick-Ass, dis superhero not playing pretend.  She de real deal.  And she be only eleven years old!  What an inspiration!

She demonstrate some pretty sweet moves, dispatching baddies in gruesome fashion to updated version of de Banana Splitz theme song.

Now monster not usually like kids in movies – but Hit Girl be an exception.  She like a cross between sword-wielding Kill Bill gal, dat Home Alone kid, and Paul Bettany after a few drinks.

Batman dialed to 11

Hit Girl, of course, accompanied by her dad (Duh!  She only eleven!) a superhero called Big Daddy who remind monster of a brain-damaged Batman.  Turn out he former cop who be framed by mobster and kicked off de force.  His wife die, leaving him to raise his daughter de best way he know how – by shooting her and teaching her how to kill bad guys.  And you thought your dad was tuff!

It turn out dis same mobster now very pissed because drug dealer worked for him.  He tink Kick-Ass responsible and enlist help of his own so to trap him.  His son go undercover as superhero -

Red Mist

Son (aka Red Mist) befriend Kick-Ass and use him to set up Big Daddy and Hit Girl.  Hit Girl shot and fall out window.  Big Daddy and Kick-Ass captured and tortured live on de internet.  But live events have way of going horribly wrong for Swedish quiz show hostesses, overenthusiastic sports reporters, and bad guys when Hit Girl show up and take dem out.

Sadly, too late for Big Daddy.  Which be bad news for mobster because dere’s nothing worse den an angry kid.  Who happens to be a costumed vigilante.

Paybacks a bitch.  In a purple wig.

Hit Girl and Kick-Ass team up and go after mobster.  Blood!  Bullets! Blades! Bazooka!  And, in de end, we all learn valuable lesson about power, responsibility, and de correkt use of a jet pack shoulder-mounted machine guns.

Verdikt: Wild over-de-top fun!

Rating: 9.5 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies!

Goa’uld-related news: http://www.netbase.com/press-release/netbase-announces-intergalactic-language-support/

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March 18, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Watchmen!

Who watches de Watchmen?  Well, Monster for one.  All 3+ hours of direktor’s cut.  It longer den a superbowl halftime show and inklude raspy-voice narration dat, at first, gimme flashback to craptakular Spirit – BUT, ultimately, monster like dis movie.  A lot.  It be smart, engaging, and thought-provoking.  For instance, scene where Nite Owl and Silk Spectre save people from apartment fire make monster wonder “Hey, did me forget to turn de stove off before me left apartment?”.  It also a visually spekatular movie full of beautifully composed shots and sekwences.  Dis Zack Snyder guy know what he doing.  If me ever find monster after my own heart (to love, not to devour so dat rule out chupacabra girl who always eyeing me outside Mr. Hooper’s shop), me want to hire Zack to shoot de wedding video. And, if necessary, dat chupacabra girl.  But only if he firearm trained.

De Comedian say: “Ha ha. Joke on you, mofo!”

Movie open wit de death of de Comedian, a superhero who, despite his name, not very hilarious.  If Oscar de Grouch and Lindsay Lohan had love child, he would be de result.  Anyway, he get thrown out apartment and plunge to his death by VERY strong mystery attacker (hmmmm) – which segue into brilliant opening credit sekwence dat reveal backstory of dis Alternate Universe Earth where superheroes exist but outlawed by Richard Nixon who got voted into office six times (!), all accompanied to tune of Times Dey Are A Changing by Matt’s father, Bob.

Roarshack: Oooh! Ooh! Mr. Kottah! Mr. Kottah! Oooh! Ooh!

We introduced to a guy who dress up like a incognito ink blot.  His name be Roarshack.  He keep a written journal and movie interspersed wit his gravely-voiced entries.  But, luckily, only de interesting ones (ie. September 12: Baloney for dinner again.  Forgot to pick up milk.  Next time, remember: Milk.  Dozen eggs.  Pop tarts.)  He investigate death of Comedian and pay visit to an old friend, Dan (aka Nite Owl II) who hang out wit an even older friend, Hollis (aka Nite Owl I), and warn him about possible superhero-killer.  Also pay a visit to super rich businessman and former hero Ozzy to warn him.  Finally, he drop in on blue, occasionally pants-less energy guy Dr. Manhattan, and his girlfriend, Silk Spektre to warn dem.  But dat de least of deir problems. Doc Manhattan can see de future.  Possible nuclear armaggedon on de horizon!

Dr. M. Why so blue?

Comedian buried while we flashback to origins of dese heroes.  Ozzy tried and failed to unite heroes into policing force like Team America World Police.  Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre having relationship issues becuz she needy and he emotionless douchebag.  So she end up hooking up with Dan Nite Owl while Doc help Ozzy build nuclear energy plants for poor people.  Awwww.

During live interview, Dr. Manhattan ambushed by reporter.  Reveal his best friend died of cancer, and his ex-girlfriend now suffering from de disease.  Did he cause it?  He be radioactive?!  Why he always shirtless?  Doc M get annoyed and leave Earth for more laid back surroundings of Mars.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Russia mobolizes its forces.  World on brink of nuclear armaggedon!

Nite Owl.  De Dark Squire.

Roarshack continues his investigation.  Suspekts someone is targeting superheroes.  Ozzy avoids assassination attempt.  Roarshack set up while following a lead and sent to prison where he kick convikt ass and demonstrate improper use of hot kitchen grease (Check it out if you always wondering what to do wit dat leftover oil).  He finally get sprung by Nite Owl and Silk Spectre who don their own costumes and KICK ASS!  While dis going on, Hollis, de original Nite Owl, get attacked by street gang and killed.  It be one of movie’s best sekwences, wit Hollis punching gang members who transform into de various supervillains he fought in his past.  Great!

Silk Spectre.  Close, but her boyfriend gets the award for “least dressed superhero”.

Silk Spectre travel to Mars with Doc Manhattan and plead wit him to save Earth, setting up another brilliant sekwence in which Doc M. diskusses de concept of time.  Meanwhile, Roarshack and Nite Owl follow leads and diskover individual behind death of Comedian, attack of Ozzy, setting up Roarshack, and giving cancer to Dr. Manhattan’s friends be…Ozzy!  In de words of Lou Diamond Philips: “Holy Shnikeys!”.

Nite Owl and Roarhack travel to Ozzy’s Antarctic base where he beat de crap out of dem and den reveal his master plan: to detonate nuclear facilities around de world.  Roarshack and Nite Owl vow to stop him – at which point Ozzy point out he not your stereotypical villain who reveal his plan so dat heroes can stop him.  Dey already too late.

Major cities have been destroyed including New York!  Energy signature connected to Dr. Manhattan!

Ozzy. Evil genius or misunderstood evil genius?

Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre also show up – but too late to do anyting.  World now united (Hurray!) against greater enemy: Dr. Manhattan (B00!). Earth has pulled back from brink of nuclear armaggedon (Hurray!) = just like Ozzy planned (Boo!).  He sacrifice millions to save billions!  Everyone realize dey better off not revealing de truth.  Except for Roarshack, so he get blown up for his troubles.

Verdikt: Long but great movie, smart and visual spektacular.  But at times, Snyder a little too true to de original comic book and, as a result, Roarshack end up being de only charakter wit any true depth.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

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March 11, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Spirit!

Watching The Spirit be like being trapped in elevator wit chatty, pompous – albeit well-dressed – douchebag suffering from explosive diarrhea.  For 90+ excruciating minutes. Forget waterboarding; dis film be worser cruel and inhuman punishment.  By de point where Samuel L. Jackson strut onto stage in gestapo Nazi regalia to deliver arch, long-winded speech, me already blubbering, broken monster ready to give up anyting to make it stop.

Gabriel Macht’s most memorable role since he played part of Tal Weaver in Beverly Hills 90210

Movie open on cheesy voice-over delivered by De Spirit, a superhero trying very hard to do his best gravely-voiced Batman imitation.  He yammer on about his city as we be treated to silly stylized shots of him beating up muggers.  We learn everyting dat on his mind…becuz he tell us.  Constantly!  Throughout dis entire movie, we subjekted to his annoying voice-overs in which he tell us exaktly what he be tinking – even though it already be pretty obvious.  After a while, you want to shout at de screen: “We know all dis!  Shut de F up and get on wit de movie!”

Spirit arrive on scene of shooting.  He help cop pull detective out of lake.  Spirit point out: “He’s still breathing.”  Yeah, no kidding.  Guy be moving around and clearly conscious so chances are good he’s still breathing, you idiot.  Monster suspekt his heart beating too!  Why not point dat out as well?  Suddenly, dey ambushed by villain, de Octopus, who trow a big chunk of rock at Spirit’s head –  but not before yelling “Heads up!” so dat Spirit have ample warning.

De Spirit and Octopus face off in one of de stoopidest over-de-top mud fight sekwences in cinematic history complete wit giant wrenches, toilets, and big floppy hats.  Two tings be pretty obvious here: 1) both dese guys be indestruktible, and 2) Frank Miller should never be allowed to direkt another movie.  Octopus eskape wit help from his side kick, sexy Silken Floss and clone thugs.

Dr. Octopus?

Shot detective die but Spirit recover locket he be clutching.  Turn out locket belong to Sans Serif (not to be confused wit de font), a girl he grew up wit and still loves.  How we know dis?  Becuz we treated to corny flashback.  AND de point hammered home by more pointless voice-over.  Spirit decide he have to find her.  We know dis becuz he tells us in another voice-over.  And becuz he aktually tries to find her.

Cut to Octopus’s sewer lair where he, dressed up as samurai and Silken dressed up as kimono for reasons known only to direktor, kill off clone thugs while offering expository info dump.  He be after a vase holding de blood of Heracles dat will make him immortal.  And Sans Serif holding de goods!

We introduced to more boring charakters: a detektive and his daughter, de Medical Examiner, who madly in love wit Spirit – even tho she not know his real name.  Monster’s money be on Boring McTedious.

San Serif drop in on creepy businessman and force him to commit suicide, leaving behind her calling card.  A “Z” like Zorro?  Nope.  A photocopy of her ass.

While Octopus back at his lab checking out a cloned hopping foot wit a tiny head on top (Monster not making dis up), Spirit track San Serif down to hotel room.  He surprize her and she get upset and accidentally push him too hard – and out window.  He get coat snagged on de way down and we treated to “hilarious” sekwence of him, wit his pants down around his ankles, trying to use his belt to snag a lifeline.

More inner monologue.  He somehow end up in sewers (Well, dat was easy!) where Silken walk up to him and injekt him wit drug, knocking him out.  Well, dat was even easier!

He wake up tied to chair in front of giant stage where sword-wielding belly-dancer sashay before him.  But she only de opening akt!  Next up, Octopus come out dressed as Nazi and give loooong speech, den order belly-dancer to kill Spirit.

What de Fudgee-o going on here?

LUCKILY, Spirit happen to know belly dancer and, instead of killing him, she free him.  What are de chances?!  She help him eskape, den stick him wit sword becuz, apparently, it was a bad break up.

Samuel L. Jackson furry cosplay.

Octopus orchestrate exchange wit San Serif.  But, before he can get vase, he double-cross her.  Why?  Why not just conklude de deal and take de vase he be desperately after dis entire movie?  Why risk everyting?  Why?  Becuz dat what de skript say of course!

Spirit arrive!  Den cops!  Shootout!  Vase broken and blood of Heracles spilled (Seriously, if it be dat important to you, why not just lick it off de ground?).  Spirit stick a grenade in Octopus and he explode. Nothing left of him but a finger – dat Silken take for safekeeping.  And possible cloning.

Spirit kiss Sans Serif goodbye and confirm his love for Medical Examiner.  Even tho she still not know his name.

Cue annoying ending voice-over monologue.

Verdikt: A ridikulous, pretentious, boring, annoyingly self-indulgent wankfest.  But pretty to look at!

Rating: 3 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

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February 18, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Hancock!

Monster not professional writer so not in position to offer advice to whoever wrote dis movie, but me can’t help but feel it obviously a bad idea to change direktion and tone of a skript one hour into its 90 minute running time.  Which be de case wit Hancock.

Will Smith channeling Grover for dis performance.

We introduced to our anti-hero, Hancock.  Drunk, dirty, belligerent, and dangerously clumsy, he reminiscent of Grover when he dated Paris Hilton back in summer of 2007.  Hancock try to do good – stopping crime, saving bystanders – but just can’t seem to get it right.  As a result, public consider him a super-nuisance.  Like viral meme spam, alien scabies, and Donald Trump.

Monster recommend car reps for building strong shoulders.

BUT tings change for Hancock when he save Ray, a PR guy, from getting wiped out by train.  Ray decide Hancock need an image makeover and convince him to start taking responsibility for his aktions.  Hancock make public apology, spend some time in prison and, eventually, redeem himself by stopping crazy bank heist and saving cops and hostages.  He even get new leather outfit for aktion purposes (also reminiscent of Grover in summer of 2007).

New and improved Hancock

It all make for fun viewing.  At which point, for some reason, scripwriters decide dey be tired of dis story and want to make whole other movie.  Cue bizarre late twist dat reveal Ray’s wife, Mary, be a superhero too!

Superlover quarrel.

Hancock and Mary fight.  Why?  Uh…becuz dey have bad tempers? Anyway, it all look very cool as dey tear up city and just happen to land outside hubby Ray’s office building so he can (conveniently) find out de truth about his wife.  She and Hancock former lovers but Hancock not remember becuz he have amnesia.  But dey separated becuz if dey stay together, dey lose deir superpowers.  Which beg de qwestion: If dat de case, why Mary living in de same city?  Why not live on other side of world just to be safe?  Monster hear Japan very nice.

Becuz Hancock hanging around Mary, he no longer invulnerable and get shot.  He rushed to hospital.  Despite fakt dat being together make dem weaker, Mary rush to hospital to see him – at which point vengeful bad guys show up and shoot de place up, hitting her.  Hancock fight bad guys while Mary slowly dying – along wit comedic vestiges of first part of movie.  Hancock beat bad guys and flee hospital – which allow Mary to regain her strength, survive, and get her powers back.

Happy ending for everyone!  Except monster and movie-viewing publik.

Verdikt: (First hour = 8 chocolate chippee cookies) + (Last 30 minutes = 4 chocolate chippee cookies) divided by 2 + (2 for great performances by all leads) – (1 for annoying kid charakter) =

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

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