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Posts Tagged ‘superhero movie reviews’

Avengers - posterDis movie have everyting you would expekt from a summer blockbuster.  Humor!  Fun!  Action!  Dazzling speshul effekts! Cracking dialogue!  Overlong running time!  And some developments dat not make sense – but be pretty cool anyway.

Not exactly low key

Low key he aint

Movie begin at top secret S.H.I.E.L.D. facility where scientists studying glowy box very similar to one we saw in Captain America: The First Avenger.  Dey call it a tesseract and it be a powerful energy source – dat, it turn out, able to open a portal to distant part of de universe, allowing mischievous Loki, brother of Thor, to reach Earth.  He attack facility, put scientist and superagent Clint Barton (aka Hawkeye) under his mind control, den leave wit tesseract.  Nick Fury respond by self-destructing facility wit hundreds of agents inside.  But plenty more where dey come from!

Loki plan to use tesseract to power another portal dat will allow aliens to invade Earth (Why never be really explained.  Because dey covet our resources?  Because dey spiteful?  Because dey pissed off wit Downton Abbey turd season finale?).  To do dis, he need to stabilize power source so, while Hawkeye steal iridium for him, he create distraktion in Stuttgart dat end up wit him giving himself up to Iron Man and Captain America – and, later, brother Thor who show up for classic “pre-Oh, we’re all good guys after all!” fight.

Loki imprisoned in ultra-cool flying aircraft carrier (de Helicarrier) while Earth’s Mightiest Heroes (and Black Widow and, mebbe, Captain America) try to figure out why he gave up so easily, where tesseract be located, and what be up wit his glowy space scepter.

Earth's Least Mightiest Mightiest Heroes

Earth’s Least Mightiest Mightiest Heroes

But it turn out dat scepter have power to make people irritable and, soon, all de heroes be arguing wit each other like de cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey.  At which point Hawkeye lead attack on helicarrier wit mind-controlled soldiers.  Good guys do deir best to kill dese innocent mind-controlled soldiers (Don’t worry.  Plenty more where dey came from!) but it too late.  Helicarrier badly damaged.  As Iron Man and Captain America work to get helicarrier back up and running and Black Widow fight Hawkeye and Thor fall thru sky, Loki eskape after injuring Dr. Bruce Banner who turn into…

Hulk

Temper temper!

De Hulk.  It turn out DAT was Loki’s plan all along!  He wanted Bruce Banner to Hulk Out and cause damage!

But why?  He already have tesseract and working on impervious force shield to protect it.  Why bother wasting time wit superheroes? Because he be mischievous?  It feel like a giant stage weight – but a spectakular, action-packed, very cool stage weight anyway.

Heroes figure out where Loki set up tesseract = on top of Stark Tower! Dey head off to stop him – along wit Hawkeye who seem all better after getting konked on de head. Even though he lead attack on helicarrier and was working for Loki an hour earlier, he immediately accepted and trusted by everyone.  Dis movie have no time for second-guessing!  It have a climaktic to get to!

But bad news for heroes!  And New York!  Loki succeed in opening portal and alien army arrive!  No way to stop dem because portal protected by impervious force field!

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Ah, dey not dat tough.

But great news for heroes!  And New York!  Alien army may look scary and tough, be almost seven feet tall and armor plated, but regular humans like Hawkeye and Black Widow have no problem kicking deir asses or punching deir lights out.  Also, turn out impervious force field NOT impervious after all because mind-controlled scientist who built it created fail safe in de system…despite de fakt he be mind-controlled.

While Black Widow work to turn off portal and heroes battle aliens, Iron Man fly nuke up through portal and straight to alien HQ special delivery.  He power down and plummet – just as nuke explode and portal closes.  Luckily, he saved by Hulk!

Speaking of which: What up wit Hulk?  In previous movies, it take him a while to Hulk Out but, in dis movie, he do it faster den a speeding bullet (Literally – Bruce Banner tell heroes he try to shoot himself in mouth but Hulk spat out bullet).  Up on helicarrier, Hulk a crazed beast dat can’t be reasoned wit and attack innocent people – which be someting he never do in previous movies, only attacking dose who attack him first.  But later, in movie, he seem to have control over when he can Hulk Out (“Oh, I’m always angry” be de excuse) and he not only can be reasoned wit, he aktually take orders from Captain America.  You can argue dat, back on helicarrier, he under influence of Loki’s space scepter – but den why only him and no one else?

Still, Hulk’s “mopping de floor wit Loki” sekwence one of movie’s high points!

Day saved!  Time for celebration!  Even though probably thousands of New Yorkers killed.  World loves Avengers!

Verdikt: And so does Cookie Monster!

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

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IR2 posterMonster like to rate sekwels on what me call de Sliding Celebrity Sibling Scale.  It start at Clint Howard and go all de way up to Mark Wahlberg.  Given how much me enjoy first Iron Man, me expect Iron Man 2 to be a real Stephen Baldwin.  But it surpass monster’s expektations and, initially, me consider it a solid Casey Affleck.  But, in preparing dis review and after further reflektion, me have to downgrade it to a Randy Quaid.

x

Iron Man catches Saturday Night Fever

Iron Man 2 pick up not long after first Iron Man end.  U.S. government mad at Tony Stark because dey want to militarize his tech.  Tony refuse and, instead, he do what regular folk do to blow off steam: drink, sleep around, and race in de Monaco Grand Prix.

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Maybe he should stick to Nascar.

Unfortunately, race interrupted by crazy Russian played by Mickey Rourke who, again, be typecast as evil genius.  Motivated by family revenge, he attack Tony wit…er…super electric whips.  But he get his ass beaten because Tony able to change into his Iron Man suit.  And, also, because he be armed wit…er…super electric whips.

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Who else would you get to play part of brilliant scientist?

Russian sent away to prison but later busted out by Tony’s business rival, Justin Hammer, who evidently have desperate need to fill sociopathic affirmative action position within his company.  While Justin leave Russian free hand on his technologies…

Tony continue love-annoy relationship with Pepper Potts who he appoint new Stark Industries CEO.  Sekwel offer some great scenes between dese two and also his chauffeur/bodyguard/director Happy Hogan.  All in all, dialogue in dis movie be as sharp as a super electric whip.  Dat’s pretty sharp!  

In another interesting subplot dat go absolutely nowhere, we learn Tony suffering from blood toxicity caused be his own suit.  Being Iron Man is killing him.  Literally!  It be a great dilemma dat, sadly, given short shrift and too easily addressed before movie’s end.

x

Nat from accounts receivable.

Another subplot involve Natahsa Romanoff (aka Black Widow) who be working undercover at Stark Industries to assess Tony.  Her presence in dis movie, along wit a couple of scenes involving Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D., do nothing to advance de story and only serve to set up future Avengers movie.  And give fanboys boners.  

At one point, Tony get so drunk he end up facing off against his best buddy, Rhodey.  In full battle gear!  It be one of de most ridikulous sekwences in dis movie and feel like an attempt to address a producer’s skript note: “De second act be kind of dragging.  We need to insert some aktion.  Who cares if it not make any sense.”

Because he show poor judgement (if dat what you call almost killing a bunch of innocent bystanders) Tony put under house arrest. Meanwhile, Justin Hammer make big demonstration  showing off his new line of iron suits to be purchased by U.S. military – and modeled by Rhodey.

BUT Russian somehow (Hey, me already mention he be a genius) hack into iron suits and sic dem on Iron Man.  

Big aktion sekwence ensues!  Iron Man vs. Rhodey.  Iron Man vs. iron suits.  Iron Man and Rhodey vs. iron suits.  Iron Man and Rhodey vs. Crazy Russian.

Movie end wit a medal ceremony, rooftop kiss, and misplaced god paraphenalia.

Verdikt: Great performances, dialogue and aktion sekwences undone by weak plotting.  Dis sekwel be less Beau Bridges and more Brian Doyle Murray.   

Rating: 6.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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DK posterTree tings monster hate most in dis world: injustice, poverty, and movies dat run more den two hours.  Unless film be based on musty Russian novel, it have no business being so long.  Seriously!  Your movie be about a guy running around town in a cape punching people. It not exaktly Anna Carnita or Dr. Chicago.

Still Dark Knight be pretty good movie.  In many ways, it be better den first movie in series.  In other ways, it be worse. Specifically, in small, stoopid, “dis makes no sense” ways.

De last clown you want showing up to your kid's birtday party

De last clown you want showing up to your kid’s birtday party

Movie begin wit bank heist.  Robbers wit clown masks break in, den start killing each other off becuz dey were told to.  Of course, anyone wit half a brain would realize “Hey, someone tell me to kill off my bank robbing buddy, MEBBE someone telling my bank robbing buddy to kill me too!”.  Only one guy come to dis conklusion – but only eventually AFTER de heist.  And he get creamed by school bus.

Last surviving bank robber remove clown mask to reveal…clown face! Let’s call him…Mr. Giggleshiv!  No.  Bozomofo!  No.  De Joker!  He climb into bus and den, presumably because he called ahead to get bus schedule, he merge into line of school buses driving by.  He merge into traffik BY DRIVING OUT OF A DESTROYED BANK!  You would tink someone might notice?  Find it odd?  Moving on…

Legend of de Batman keeping bad guys running scared.  But Batman not de only good guy in Gotham.  District Attorney Harvey Dent also getting quite de rep as criminal ass-kicker.  Heads of different crime faktions get together to complain about him.  Meeting get crashed by Joker who do cool magik trick, den offer to kill Batman for half deir money.  And he not take no for an answer.

Batman travel to Hong Kong where he kidnap some accountant as part of useless storyline dat go absolutely nowhere and add nothing to main story.

Meanwhile, Joker start causing trouble in Gotham.  He poison Commissioner Leob wit acid.  He blow up judge.  And what Batman movie would be complete witout ubiquitous scene of bad guy crashing fancy soiree?  Joker show up at big shingding for Harvey Dent.  Batman also show up but Joker get away by pulling de ole “trow de girl out de window” gag.

But Joker strike again.  He make attempt on Harvey Dent in broad daylight.  Batman’s buddy, Jim Gordon, get shot and killed.  No, we not see body but police break news to poor, grieving wife so he obviously dead.  Right?

Assistant to assistant of de assistant DA, Rachel Dawes, have quiet moment wit Bruce where he tell her he going to reveal his sekret identity.  Dey kiss.  Wait?  What?!  Who dis woman?  How she know his identity?  Monster not recognize her at all!  No.  Wait.  It be different aktress playing part of Bruce’s love interest/perpetual damsel in dis dress from first movie.  Oh, me get it now.  She better den last aktress at akting, but worse den her at staying alive.

At press conference, Harvey Dent admit…HE Batman.  And arrested. Hunh?  If Bruce in on dis ruse, why he tell Rachel HE going to admit to being Batman?  If he not in on ruse, why he not speak up?

Joker end up attacking convoy transporting “Batman”, just like Harvey planned.  Batman crash de party and Jim Gordon show up in nick of time and capture Joker.  Wait!  What?  Jim Gordon alive?!  But police told his wife he be dead!  Cue scene where Jim tell his wife he sorry but he couldn’t tell her de truth.  Why not?  Mebbe she a blabbermouth who can’t be trusted?

Harvey and Rachel missing.  Batman interrogate Joker.  He tell Batman where to find dem, but he can only save one.  Only one!  Why?  Why not call someone who be in de area and save both?

Gordon race to scene where Rachel being held – but too late.  She get blown up.  Batman save Harvey – who end up wit an ouchy on his face…

Good side

Ouchy!

To top tings off, Joker eskape from interrogation room by…well, we not sure how.   Presumably, he overpower Detective Bullock?  We just have to take his word for it.  He blow up police station by triggering phone bomb in his thug’s stomach.  Whew.  Good ting police metal detektor broken dat day!

Joker threaten to blow up hospital!  Dressed up as nurse, he pay visit to Harvey and talk some nonsense into him.  He offer to let Harvey kill him.  Crazy Harvey, flip a coin – and let him live.

City in chaos!  No one can leave becuz Joker hint he may have rigged bridges and tunnels wit explosives!

Harvey start taking revenge on dose responsible for death of Rachel (except guy directly responsible, de Joker).  He surprise mobster in back of his car, flip his coin to see if he shoot him or not.  Mobster luck out.  Coin say no.  So Harvey shoot driver instead, causing car to crash. Huh?  Why driver not deserve coin flip?  He just a guy doing his job!

Only way out of Gotham is by ferry.  Knowing dis, police make a point of checking it for explosives send dem on deir way.  And, guess what? Dey diskover explosives on board!  Dey also find box containing detonator.  Dis result in most stoopidest clumsy line in movie when guy ask: “Why would they give us the detonator to our own bomb?”. OUR OWN bomb?.  Why would he say dis?  Becuz dere be ANOTHER ferry out dere wit ANOTHER bomb!  Aktually, no.  Dere be no reason for him to say dis.  It sound like a line de studio added “for clarity” and it just end up making even less sense.

Passengers on both ferries told dey have detonator to other ferry’s bomb.  If dey trigger other bomb, dey save demselves.  If dey don’t choose, dey all die!

Batman track down Joker to high-rise.  Exciting showdown ensue. Batman capture Joker and foil his attempt to blow up ferries. Passengers on both ferries do de right ting and don’t blow each other up.  We have all learned valuable lesson today about de human spirit and de power of love to conquer -

But wait!  It not over!  Harvey Dent kidnap Jim Gordon’s family!  He going to get his revenge on Gordon becuz…er…becuz…Jim Gordon…uh…becuz Harvey be crazy.

But Batman arrive in nick of time!  He save Gordon and co., killing (?) Harvey/Two-Face.  He and Gordon decide to publikly lie and accuse de innocent Batman of Harvey’s murder so dat, uh, Harvey can remain symbol for truth and justice.  By lying and accusing an innocent man. Truth and justice.  Okie dokie.

Verdikt: Overall a pretty good movie if you squint at de little stoopidities.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

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HB posterMonster pleasantly surprised by first Hellboy so, of course, me expeckt less of de same from de sekwel becuz, after all, it be a sewkwel. Remember Hangover II?  Blues Brothers 2000?  Citizen Kane II: The Quickening?  But Hellboy II: The Golden Army out-surprise de first Hellboy.  It a movie wit even more heart, even more humor, even more spekatcular visual effekts – but also, at times, even more problems.

Big Red

Big Red

Movie begin wit old professor telling young Hellboy legend of The Golden Army.  It go someting like dis:  Humans jerks so goblins build mekanical army for King of Elves who use it to kick ass.  Truce called and magik crown dat control army get broken into tree pieces.  Dis piss off young elf Prince Nuada who go into exile to sulk.

High five!

High five!

But he not sulk for long.  Mebbe only a few centuries.  And when a piece of de crown show up at auktion, he also show up to claim it – and sic creepy little flying “tooth fairy” creatures on everyone.  He den pay his dad, de King, a visit and kill him to get second piece of crown.  But his twin sister, Princess Nuala, run away wit final piece, spoiling brother’s plans.

xxx

It’s de wraith!  I mean de elves!

BPRD (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense) , not to be confused wit BURPED (Bureau for Underwater Paranormal Research and Defense), arrive on scene of auction massakre to investigate, get attacked, and outed.  Now everyone know Hellboy and co. really exist! Cool, no?  How will dis play out in rest of movie?  Oh, it not?  Den never mind.

Government upset, so send in new agent to join Hellboy and co.  DIS guy -

x

Krauss blow his top.

Johann Krauas be a steampunk German ectoplasmic medium wit attitude.  He be annoying at first but, over course of movie, monster really warm up to him.  In fakt, entire BPRD team – Hellboy, Liz, Abe, Johann, even Tom Manning (played by Jeffrey Tamborine) – be unique, interesting, very likable charakters.  So monster perplexed dat main villain, Prince Nuada, be so dull.  Oh, he very interesting to look at and his fight scenes be great but, at end of de day, he not be partikularly sympathetic or despicable.  He just a little bland.

BPRD visit Troll City where dey find Princess Nuala and bring her back to headquarters.  She flirt wit Abe Sapien who fall head over flippers in love wit her.  Despite being covered in prostetiks, aktor Doug Jones practically steal de movie, delivering terrifik performance as Abe (who could be love child of Fraiser’s Niles Crane and Creature from de Black Lagoon).  In one of movie’s highpoints, Abe and Hellboy bond, booze and brood over deir respektive relationships.  BUT fun time interrupted by Prince Nuada who track down his sister.  Becuz dey be twins, he able to locate her and comes close to finding final piece of magik crown hidden in a book -

When good guys show up.  Prince Nuada fight Hellboy, stick him wit point of magik spear, kidnap his sis and leave.

Broken spear point stuck in Hellboy.  He dying!  Liz, Hellboy and Abe – wit surprize help from Johann – steal plane and go get help.  Dey end up coming across monster who happen to want de spear point and happen to know someone who can get it out (yeah, yeah, me know, me know.  It be a stretch).  Our heroes pay visit to second cousin of creature from Pan’s Labyrinth -

c

Pan’s Labyrinth?  No.  Dat’s de other guy.

He remove spear point from Hellboy but warn dat, one day, Hellboy will destroy Earth.  But dat’s a story for another time…

x

Showdown!

Hellboy, Liz, Abe, and Johann track down Prince Nuada and sis.  Abe give up final piece of crown which allow Nuada to awaken Golden Army. Big fight ensue!  Our heroes about to get deir asses kicked when Hellboy challenge Nuada for de crown.  Dey duel.  Hellboy win!  Nuada a sore loser and about to get all stabby-stabby on Hellboy when Princess Nuala stab herself, mortally wounding both her and her brother.  Becuz dat’s what happens when you’re a twin.

Our heroes eskape.  Liz inform Hellboy dat he going to be a dad – of twins!  And Johann Krauss deliver best line of entire movie:

Verdikt: More heart, more humor, more spektacular visual effekts but weak villain and a few contrived moments.  Still, sooper entertaining. Me tink Abe deserve his own spin-off.  Or late night talk show.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

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LS posterDis movie suck more den Grover’s aunt Tildy at a Shriner’s convention.

Movie begin wit guy walking down a dark alley where he encounter shaky creep hiding under dirty blanket.  To most sane people, dis be invitation to skedaddle.  But not dis guy.  He stand and watch as – in movie’s most horrifying sequence – creep trow off blanket and KNOCK COFFEE CUP OUT OF GUY’S HAND.  HE GET COFEE EVERYWHERE!!!

Oh, and he a snake man.

CUT TO: SWAT team, Ghost Squad, showing up at scene of some heist. Team members given orders: “You, you and you – go dis way.  You, you, and you go dat way.”  You, you, and you?  You tink dat, maybe, dese guys might be on a first name basis?

Inside building, armed thugs everywhere.  Dey led by Snake Man who stroll around all nonchalant, wearing a towel draped over his head like he just finished a spa treatment.  He joined by guy whose coffee he spilled in alley.  Turns out it he be Snake Man’s brother.  Me tink.

"Shteve, Jamie's in trouble!"

“Shteve, Jamie’s in trouble!”

SWAT team, led by Lee Majors, move in.  Dey sneak up on bad guy guards and strangle and break deir necks.  Why bother incapacitating when murdering dem so much easier?  CUT TO: dead security guards everywhere.  On de floor.  In a chair.  Coming up de eskalator.  Wait. What?  Either security guy killed twenty seconds earlier or dis be world’s LONGEST eskalator ride!

SWAT team Ghost Squad get into shootout.  Kill bad guys, den manage to sneak up behind other bad guys who, apparently, suffering from inner ear infektions and not hear all dat gunfire.  BUT – Snake Man not so easy to sneak up on.  AND, like most Snake Men, he know kung fu.  He beat up our hero, Daniel, and eskape to a waiting van.

Uh…way to secure de perimeter, SWAT Ghost Squad.  Snake Man blow up building – or facsimile thereof.  Dem be some bad visual effekts!

FLASHBACK to years earlier where scientist be working on synthetik skin graft.  Like most brilliant scientists, he test it on himself first – burning his arm over bunsen burner and slapping on de synthetik skin graft.  Unfortunately, it a no go.  Oh well, back to de drawing board – and, presumably, de hospital to get treated for turd degree burns.

It turn out our hero, Daniel, be a friend of scientist and he have bad news.  Politicians in Washington pulling de plug on his research.  He out of money.  And becuz he not able to complete his work, his sister – who, coinsidentally was in recent car accident and horribly burned – dies.  Well, dat de implikation but it unlikely new coat of skin would have helped much.  Still, scientist so mad he break into lab at night and, after caressing and sweet-talking his lab equipment, accidentally start a fire – and get badly burned.  He enter weird chamber and become…Snake Man!

Lizard Man

Lizard Man

FLASHFORWARD to Present Day (spoiler alert: sadly, no aktual presents. :().  Daniel diskovered alive.  In rubble of 20+ story building(?!).  He rushed to hospital in extended multi-cut sekwence punctuated by slo-mo shots of ambulance driving.  Bad news: his pelvis and legs be crushed.  Good news: Convenient experimental treatment will have him up and around in no time.  Even better newz: Ghost Squad caught one of Snake Man’s thugs.

Dat night, Snake Man and his crew show up and shoot hospital staff. Dey sneak up on cops guarding prisoner (who be obviously suffering from same inner ear infektion as bad guys several scenes earlier) and kill dem.  Snake Man be partikularly OTT, snapping necks, strutting around and shooting people two-gun style.  It as if John Woo’s less talented younger brother made a movie and cast Gorn from de original Star Trek in de lead.

Mr. Gorn be ready for his close-up.

Mr. Gorn be ready for his close-up.

For good measure, Snake Man ratchet up radiation in hero-Daniel’s room.  Uh, why Daniel getting radiation treatment?  Never mind. Fortunately Daniel manage to hit big red CANCEL RADIATION button by his bed before tings get too uncomfortable.  On de one hand, he suffer near lethal dose of radiation.  On de other hand, near lethal dose of radiation give him super speed!  (Kids, don’t try dis at home).

Whee!  Lookit him go!

Whee! Lookit him go!

Daniel run around super fast and collapse.  Concerned doctor give him “metabolism juice” to keep his spirits up.

Meanwhile, Snake Man has meeting wit his army at lavish hideout.  He prove very temperamental and end up killing his General.  Dis bring up a couple of questions:

1. If dis guy crazy enuf to kill his own men, why would anybody work for him?

2. Where he get de money to hire his own private army?  Last time monster checked, he couldn’t even afford to continue his research!

3. How it possible we not even at halfway point of movie?

Daniel decide he need a skintight spandex costume to show off his half-boner, so he visit de local sports shop and pick one up.

Cut to: A meeting of scientists in a tiny room.  Lead scientist unveils…a “Mass Ionic Dispersal Device!”.  Other scientists clearly impressed and applaud. Beat.  One pipes up: “What does it do?”  What does it do? Seriously?  Better question: “Hey, why we all standing around in dis room?”.

Back at Ghost Squad HQ, Lee Majors reveals dat, luckily, dey put sekret transmitter in prisoner Snake Man sprung from hospital.  Now dey can track de bad guys!  Dis be great – if not for de fakt dat movie clearly established months have passed since hospital attack.  What took ‘em so long?  Ghost Squad head off to get de drop on Snake Man and co. – wit sirens BLARING!

Snake Man and his thugs steal Mass Ionic Dispersal Device.  But, before dey can get away, Ghost Squad show up!  Shoot-out! Lightspeed zip onto de scene and, for some reason (mebbe to make it a fair fight) not bother using his super speed to fight Snake Man.  So he get his ass kicked.  Snake Man steal device and stroll out to a waiting van where he make his getaway.  Again.  Ghost Squad really need to bone up on deir perimeter-securing.

Back at Ghost Squad HQ, team suspekt dere be a mole among dem. How else to explain how Snake Man always one step ahead?  But monster feel need to point out dat Snake Man NOT one step ahead. Ghost Squad could have caught him twice – if dey had SECURED DE PERIMETER!!!

Member of team Ghost Squad captured and forced to give up location of safehouse where Daniel and his girlfriend living.  Snake Man and thugs lay ambush for Daniel who show up – as Lightspeed.  Again, he not bother using his super speed to fight Snake Man and, again, Snake Man kick his ass.  Den leave wit Daniel’s girlfriend.  At dis point, monster can’t help but wonder why?  Why bother laying ambush for Daniel if he not going to kill him?  Why not kidnap girlfriend and leave before he get dere?

Lightspeed about to get boned.

Be gentle wit him, Snake Man.

More stoopid shit happen.  Finally, Lightspeed and Ghost Squad get location of Snake Man’s HQ.  Lightspeed show up and told he have one of two choices: save girlfriend wit bomb strapped to her chest, or save millions of people from device dat will make Washington D.C. chilly.  Or super hot.  Me apologize but, at dis point, monster distracted by far more interesting Humana Medicare Advantage infomercial.

Lightspeed use his super speed to run to Washinton leaving -

Snake Man and his brother to walk into next room and rough up girlfriend.  Lightspeed disarm device.  But it not possible for him to race back and save girlfriend in time (In hindsight, he should have just saved girlfriend first to save time but, hey, whatcha gonna do?). Fortunately, Snake Man’s brother chooses dis moment to have sudden crisis of conscience and question whole plan.  Why?  Why de sudden turn?  Duh.  Becuz Lightspeed need convenient delay dat will allow him to get back in time to save his girlfriend.  Snake Man angry and kill his brother.  Den spend next fifteen minutes yelling to himself – conveniently giving Lightspeed plenty of time to get back.

BUT Lee Majors show up and – in movie’s biggest stoopidest twist – it revealed dat HE de mole.

Wait!  WHAT?!

How possible for him to be de mole?  Why it be necessary to kidnap and torture other Ghost Squad member to get location of Daniel’s safe house when dey could have just asked Lee Majors?  If he de mole, why Lee Majors implanted transmitter in Snake Man’s brother?  What de Fudgee-o?

Snake Man shoot and kill Lee Majors becuz he be a spiteful boss, den Lightspeed set Snake Man on fire and kick him out window.

Daniel and his girlfriend go on a picnic.  De End.

Verdikt:  Skript be truly horrible, but it offset by incredibly bad direktion.

Rating: No cookies but one chocolate chippee.  Dat turn out to be a rat turd.  Sorry.

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SR - poster

Dis movie more boring den Fozzie Bear’s off-off-off Broadway production of “Old Coronation Street Episodes”.  It so bad dat monster invite friends over and invent Superman Returns drinking game. Everytime someone begin to doze off while watching movie, he have to do shot.  By end of movie, not sure if Big Bird and Grover pass out from Jagermeister or sheer boredom.  Me tink both.

Movie begin wit Superman returning to Earth after being away for five years to visit what left of his home planet: Krypton.  Why he go?  What he find?  Why it take him 5 years?  Dis never explained. Coinsidentally, his alter ego, Clark Kent also return to work at de Daily Planet.  He horrified to diskover Lois Lane did not put her life on hold for him.  She not only have a son, but she be married to X-Men’s Cyclops!

Clark Kent

Clark Kent = Super-Creep

Superman prove himself a super-creep by stalking Lois, spying on her and her family wit his x-ray vision, den trying to seduce her by flying her around de city and trying to kiss her on a rooftop.  (Please, do a shot).  She pissed at him becuz he left Earth witout telling her he was leaving.  Why he never said goodbye to her?  Dis never explained but reason be clear.  Superman be utter douchebag.

Uh, she be married, right?

Uh, she be married, right?

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor have big plans to cause world chaos and grow an island in de ocean blah blah blah.  (Please, do a shot).  Power fluktuates.  Earth shakes.  Planes fall out of sky.  Superman save de day.  Movie plods along.  Someone forget to tell aktor Brandon Routh dat Clark Kent de boring one, NOT Superman!

Lex

Lex contemplate de art of de shiv.

Lois and her son somehow end up on Lex’s private yacht where he plot to enact his island-growing plan (yawn.  Please do another shot.).  But clever Lois send stealthy fax :( alerting Cyclops.  Thug start to beat her up but her son trow piano at him, demonstrating super strength and suggestion dat he be Superman’s son.  Oh, and also suggest dat nice guy Cyklops be a cuckold.  Or dat Lois go to bed wit Cyklops maybe a couple of weeks after sleeping wit Superman in Superman II.

Yacht sinks.  Superman save Lois.  He end up on new landmass dat it turn out be made of kryptonite.  Superman weakened and, in incredibly overwrought scene, beat up and stabbed wit a kryptonite shiv.  Superman plunge of cliff.  BUT he saved by Cyklops and Lois.

Superman pick up landmass and chuck it into space, nature’s cosmic garbage can.

Lex and his annoying girlfriend eskape in a helictoper dat eventually run out of gas, so dey end up stranded on a deserted island – wit nothing to eat but a coconut and a small dog.

Superman rushed to hospital.  He be in a coma!  But Lois and son visit, give him a kiss and make him all better.

Verdikt: Curse of Superman alive.  Dis film confirm: It impossible to make a good Superman movie!

Rating: 4 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

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Me know, me know.  You expecting monster to say dis movie be SUPER.  Or mebbe INCREDIBLE!  But me not so obvious.  No, monster more unprediktable den Lindsay Lohan at one of Oscar de Grouch’s Hobo Hoedowns.  What me WILL say is dat monster pleasantly surprized by how much me enjoy dis movie considering it be written by Big Bird’s cuzin, Brad.  After all, creative writing not exaktly run in de family, someting you would know if you happened to read Big Bird’s poetry collection, Remembrance of Things Passed (in which he reflekt in rhyme on stuff he ate de previous day).

Movie begin wit our hero, Mr. Incredible, as he try to fight crime while trying to shake pesky sidekick who want to hang wit him.  Remind monster of Elmo dat time we go on fake bachelor party for Grover who pretend his bride run off wit best man so he can get sympathy lap dances.  Remember dat night?  We had to check Elmo at door of strip club and, later, when go to pick him up, turn out someone already claim him and we left wit some guy’s fluffy crimson foulard instead?  Good times, good times.

Anyway, Mr. Incredible lose de sidekick – but also lose his job becuz he cause too much collateral damage.  And so, he enter superhero relocation program…

Years later, we find Mr. Incredible and he now settled down, married Elastagirl and have tree kids: Dash, Violet, and Jak-Jak.  He spend days at insurance company, working for crabby boss.  BUT at night, he get together wit best friend, Frozone, and fight crime – even tho he not supposed.  (Shhhh.  Pleaze don’t tell.).

The Incredibles be a great family film dat offer terrific life lesson for kids like importance of family values, honesty is best policy, and sometime it okay to be de shit out of your boss if he be a complete asshole.  Which Mr. Incredible do – and get fired.  :(

He so ashamed he not tell wife.  Instead, he take job fighting robot on remote island.  However, it turn out remote island robot fighting job be not quite what it appear (Always de case.  Monster learn dis de hard way last summer).  Mr. Incredible captured on island by inventor of robot, supervillain Syndrome who turn out to be…annoying sidekick from earlier in movie!  Dis be another important lesson: Always be nice to weaker people becuz, someday, dey could be supervillains…or in charge of cleaning out your bed pans after horrific clown car crash.

Fortunately, Elastagirl not very trusting of husband and track down his whereabouts.  Wit help of Dash and Violet, she crash island.  Fantastic action sekwences ensue!

Turn out Syndrome have master plan to unleash super robot on city, den sweep in and save de dey.  But he only half successful.  Unleashing go okay but sweeping in and saving part need a lot of work.

Luckily, Mr. Incredible and family, wit help of Frozone, chip in and save de day, destroy robot, defeat Syndrome, and save baby Jak-Jak.

Lots to like about dis movie.  It fast paced, fun, very funny, and clever. It poke fun at superheroes by celebrating de genre instead of belittling it.  Aktion sekwences are eye-popping and very entertaining.  And, most importantly at end of day, dis movie have a lot of heart.

And esophagus, liver, and even some spleen.

Verdikt: Dis movie be fantabulous!

Rating: 9.5 chocolate chippee cookies!

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Smart, stylish, funny and romantic.  No, dis not Monster’s horney.com profile.  It be desktription of Hellboy, a movie me would call an anty-superhero movie.  Why monster call it anty-superhero movie?  Becuz monster’s Anty Florence not big fan of superhero movies, but she really like superhero movies dat defy de genre by taking established cliches and turning dem on deir head.  And dis be one of dose movies.

Movie begin during WWII when Allied forces led by nerdy young scientist stop bald guy in bathrobe and Nazis from…opening gateway to other dimension/Hell/apokalips.  Yeah, okay.  Not exactly original idea but, back in de 40’s, what a bad guy to do?  Conquer de world and open gateways to other dimension, dats what.  Anyhoo, gateway opened for only a few seconds before Allies attack and shut it down. Nazis eskape but soldiers discover someting dat came thru gate – someting from another dimension.  A weird and scary little creature dat look like…

DIS!

Oops.  Me sorry.  Not DAT weird and scary.  Monster try again.  A weird and scary little creature dat look like…

Dis!

Awwww.  Little creature so cute army decide not to blow its brains out. Instead, dey keep and call him Hellboy.  Hellboy raised by kindly brilliant nerd scientist who grow up to become…

Dis guy!

No, wait.  Me sorry.  Not dat guy.  Hellboy raised by kindly brilliant nerd scientist who grow up to become…

Dis guy!

Hellboy grow up too and, years later, he and Professor working for Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense (BURPD) along wit other crazy charakters like Abe Sapien (psychik amphibian) and Liz Sherman (firestarter-but-not-stopper who Hellboy in love wit).

“Dere’s gonna be Hell to pay!” Dis line not in movie.

Young FBI agent, John Myers, assigned to BURPD, but not exacktly hit if off wit Hellboy.  But no time to wallow becuz pesky Nazis resurrect bald bathrobe guy and release rasta alien on Earth.  Rasta alien very creepy and cranky and look like…

Dis!

No, wait.  Very close but dat not him.  Creepy and cranky rasta alien look like…

Dis!  Iree, me am a gonna eat yer veins, mon.

Hellboy chase it down and kill it – but when it die, it lay eggs dat give birth to two more.

While Hellboy follow agent John Myers out on a date, trying to make de moves on Liz Sherman, bald guy in bathrobe sneak into Professor’s study and, wit help of henceman, Slashy McStabby, he kill him.

Look. Nothing up my sleeves. Except dese GIANT BLADES!

Hellboy and co. travel to Moscow, land of vodka, caviar, and interdimensional portals where bad guys planning to finish what dey started back in WWII.  Hellboy forced to help dem to save Liz, but agent Myers tell him to remember who he really be!

Me be Hellboy, bitches!

Hellboy remember who he be – den take on giant octo-monster before killing it by blowing it up from de inside wit hand grenade belt.

Liz dead but Hellboy bring her back to life by threatening to kick demon ass.  Dey kiss.  De End!

Love is Hell!  Dis line not in movie either.

Verdikt: Sure, movie plot be a little cliche and some tings don’t make sense (“Here.  I’ll just duck around dis corner while you engulf chamber in flames.  I should be okay.”), but Hellboy have a lot of heart, humor and, most important of all, charakters you care about.  Like Hellboy, Liz, agent Myers, and, monster’s favorite…

Dis guy!

Oops.  Me sorry again.  Not dat guy.  Monster’s favorite…

Dis guy!

Rating: 7.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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Batmand and Robin be de filmic equivalent of explosive garden vegetable diarrhea. Exciting, sometime pretty to look at, but it still crap.  Dis movie be Joel Schumacher’s master piece (of shit).  Terruble on almost every level.

Movie begin wit Schumacher’s patented codpiece and rubber ass shots. It den seque into one of de worst aktion sekwences in Batman franchize history wit Batman and Robin skating around wit a bad guy hockey team, stick handling a diamond like a puck. And it downhill from dere.

Arnold Schwarzenneger play role of brilliant Mr. Freeze wit all de depth and nuance of, well, Arnold Schwarzenegger desperately trying to akt. He spend de entire movie trowing out lame quippy lines like: “You’re not taking me to de cooler” and “Stay cool”.

Mr. Freeze One-Liner.

Meanwhile, in a sekwence dat look like a kid’s funhouse come to life, some crazy scientist inject a weakling wit a serum dat transform him into a Mexican pro-wrestler = Bane.  He become muscle (and occasional chauffeur) to mousey scientist assistant who mutated by lab chemikals into..de sexy (???) Poison Ivy!

Oooh, sexy.  Check out de hair horns.

Hulk Bane smash!!!

Back at Wayne manor, all sorts of not interesting tings happening. Alfred supposedly dying of (coinsidentally!) de same disease dat Mrs. Freeze suffer from.  Alfred’s niece, Barbara arrive from London (where she apparently forget her English accent) and move in.  Robin, meanwhile, spend de entire movie whining about how he second fiddle to Batman but, meanwhile, have no problem living at his place rent free, eating his food and riding his motorcycle.  Batman/Bruce Wayne, on de other hand, a big dud in dis movie.  Again.  George Clooney play de role like he got someting else he’d rather be doing.

Anyhoo, Bruce Wayne hold another charity event.  And, of course, dat mean some villain HAS to crash it.  In dis case, it Poison Ivy and Bane who infiltrate de party dressed as apes.  No.  Really.  Den, Mr. Freeze crash de party as well and, after extended toy commercial chase sekwence, he captured.

Your paint-by-numbers villais-crash-de-charity-event sekwence.

But wait!  Dere’s more!  Unfortunately.  Poison Ivy spring Mr. Freeze from Arkham Asylum.  Dey team up to freeze Gotham city wit giant teleskope.  Meanwhile, dying Alfred demonstrate best sound judgement since his decision to show Vicky Vale de Batcave by giving Barbara a Batgirl outfit he made.  For her?  Maybe.  But monster suspect he aktually made for himself and just gave to her as an afterthought.  “Oh, uh, de rubber girly suit?  Dat’s for…dat’s for…dat’s for you!”

Dey team up and go after Freeze/Ivy.

Blah blah blah puns.  Blah blah blah explosions.  Blah blah blah Bat trio save de day.  Blah blah blah Alfred doesn’t die.  Blah blah blah.

Blah blah and blah.

Bleh.

Verdikt: De movie dat temporarily killed de Bat franchise – or, as Mr. Freeze would say: “Poot eet on ice.”

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.  But be careful.  One chip really a mouse turd.

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