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Posts Tagged ‘superhero films’

C - posterWhen is a found footage film not a found footage film?  When de makers mysteriously bail on de concept two turds of de way thru de movie.  Chronicle has distinktion of being de first (mostly) found footage superhero movie.  And dat about all dat make it distinkt.  It otherwise pretty standard fare.

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Hey, it be like Peter Parker x 3!

Our protagonist, Andrew, be a high school nerd.  His mother dying, his dad abusive, he bullied at school.  It a miserable life for him – but very entertaining for everyone else so he decide to start filming it.  He bring his camera everywhere, inkluding to a party he go to wit his cousin and jock friend.  After leaving party, trio find weird hole in de ground, investigate, and diskover strange glowy crystal holding squiggly black ting.  Having never watched a horror or science fiction movie in deir lives, dey trow caution to de wind and decide to touch it.  Crystal changes color and dey get nose bleeds!

Weeks later, dey are showing off deir new teliknetik powers, moving objects wit deir minds.  It all fun and games until someone gets hurt…

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Someone gets hurt.

Andrew uses his power to trow tailgating truck into lake.  Others tink dis is NOT cool and, after swimming into water and rescuing driver (instead of just using deir telikentic power to pull him out), dey agree to not hurt other people.

x

I believe I can fly.  I believe I can touch de sky.  I believe I can make others die.

Dey also teach demselves to fly and go hang out in de clouds – until dey almost get run over by a plane (Mighty crowded up dere!).

x

Wit great power come great irresponsibility

Dey celebrate by going to house party where Andrew trow up on girl. He humiliated and, next day at skool, he perform instrument-free dental surgery on bully who be picking on him.

Upset, Andrew fly away so he can be alone and film himself crying.  But jock manage to find him – me not exaktly sure how.  Mebbe he go to his favorite special place in de sky?  Jock try to cheer him up.  Andrew tank him by killing him wit lightning blast (Oh, yeah, he also apparently have lightning blast power).

Andrew start tinking he all special and superior, like Grover’s cousin ShaLaunda dat time she got her nails done.  He put on fireman suit and rob bullies and gas station to get money for medicine for his dying mother.

It be at dis point in movie where direktor decide “Fudge it!” and drop de found footage look.  But den seem to want to hedge his bets and inklude unnecessary security cam footage as well.  And, finally, seem to realize he being inconsistent so he go back to found footage look for movie’s ending dat involve Andrew vs. cousins vs a lot of parked cars in high-flying aktion.

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Stay down!  Don’t move!

For some reason, despite all de damage and havok dey cause, police not at all inclined to shoot de boys.  Every time dey toss around police cars and policemen, cops just keep yelling: “Stay down!  Down move!” And, of course, dey move and trow around more cars and cops, and fall down some more and de cops yell: “Stay down!  Don’t move!”

Dis process is repeated until cousin get as tired of dis movie as we do and simply impale Andrew wit a handy spear from a nearby statue.

Movie end wit cousin filming himself addressing Andrew as he arrive in Tibet.  Why?  Does he believe Andrew also have de superpower to watch movies from beyond de grave?

Verdikt: Dere come a point in every found footage movie where audience wonder “Seriously!  Why de hell dey filming dis?”.  It seem dat, late in film, direktor arrive at same conklusion and deeply regret de whole “found footage” ting.

Rating: 3 chocolate chippee cookies.

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DK posterTree tings monster hate most in dis world: injustice, poverty, and movies dat run more den two hours.  Unless film be based on musty Russian novel, it have no business being so long.  Seriously!  Your movie be about a guy running around town in a cape punching people. It not exaktly Anna Carnita or Dr. Chicago.

Still Dark Knight be pretty good movie.  In many ways, it be better den first movie in series.  In other ways, it be worse. Specifically, in small, stoopid, “dis makes no sense” ways.

De last clown you want showing up to your kid's birtday party

De last clown you want showing up to your kid’s birtday party

Movie begin wit bank heist.  Robbers wit clown masks break in, den start killing each other off becuz dey were told to.  Of course, anyone wit half a brain would realize “Hey, someone tell me to kill off my bank robbing buddy, MEBBE someone telling my bank robbing buddy to kill me too!”.  Only one guy come to dis conklusion – but only eventually AFTER de heist.  And he get creamed by school bus.

Last surviving bank robber remove clown mask to reveal…clown face! Let’s call him…Mr. Giggleshiv!  No.  Bozomofo!  No.  De Joker!  He climb into bus and den, presumably because he called ahead to get bus schedule, he merge into line of school buses driving by.  He merge into traffik BY DRIVING OUT OF A DESTROYED BANK!  You would tink someone might notice?  Find it odd?  Moving on…

Legend of de Batman keeping bad guys running scared.  But Batman not de only good guy in Gotham.  District Attorney Harvey Dent also getting quite de rep as criminal ass-kicker.  Heads of different crime faktions get together to complain about him.  Meeting get crashed by Joker who do cool magik trick, den offer to kill Batman for half deir money.  And he not take no for an answer.

Batman travel to Hong Kong where he kidnap some accountant as part of useless storyline dat go absolutely nowhere and add nothing to main story.

Meanwhile, Joker start causing trouble in Gotham.  He poison Commissioner Leob wit acid.  He blow up judge.  And what Batman movie would be complete witout ubiquitous scene of bad guy crashing fancy soiree?  Joker show up at big shingding for Harvey Dent.  Batman also show up but Joker get away by pulling de ole “trow de girl out de window” gag.

But Joker strike again.  He make attempt on Harvey Dent in broad daylight.  Batman’s buddy, Jim Gordon, get shot and killed.  No, we not see body but police break news to poor, grieving wife so he obviously dead.  Right?

Assistant to assistant of de assistant DA, Rachel Dawes, have quiet moment wit Bruce where he tell her he going to reveal his sekret identity.  Dey kiss.  Wait?  What?!  Who dis woman?  How she know his identity?  Monster not recognize her at all!  No.  Wait.  It be different aktress playing part of Bruce’s love interest/perpetual damsel in dis dress from first movie.  Oh, me get it now.  She better den last aktress at akting, but worse den her at staying alive.

At press conference, Harvey Dent admit…HE Batman.  And arrested. Hunh?  If Bruce in on dis ruse, why he tell Rachel HE going to admit to being Batman?  If he not in on ruse, why he not speak up?

Joker end up attacking convoy transporting “Batman”, just like Harvey planned.  Batman crash de party and Jim Gordon show up in nick of time and capture Joker.  Wait!  What?  Jim Gordon alive?!  But police told his wife he be dead!  Cue scene where Jim tell his wife he sorry but he couldn’t tell her de truth.  Why not?  Mebbe she a blabbermouth who can’t be trusted?

Harvey and Rachel missing.  Batman interrogate Joker.  He tell Batman where to find dem, but he can only save one.  Only one!  Why?  Why not call someone who be in de area and save both?

Gordon race to scene where Rachel being held – but too late.  She get blown up.  Batman save Harvey – who end up wit an ouchy on his face…

Good side

Ouchy!

To top tings off, Joker eskape from interrogation room by…well, we not sure how.   Presumably, he overpower Detective Bullock?  We just have to take his word for it.  He blow up police station by triggering phone bomb in his thug’s stomach.  Whew.  Good ting police metal detektor broken dat day!

Joker threaten to blow up hospital!  Dressed up as nurse, he pay visit to Harvey and talk some nonsense into him.  He offer to let Harvey kill him.  Crazy Harvey, flip a coin – and let him live.

City in chaos!  No one can leave becuz Joker hint he may have rigged bridges and tunnels wit explosives!

Harvey start taking revenge on dose responsible for death of Rachel (except guy directly responsible, de Joker).  He surprise mobster in back of his car, flip his coin to see if he shoot him or not.  Mobster luck out.  Coin say no.  So Harvey shoot driver instead, causing car to crash. Huh?  Why driver not deserve coin flip?  He just a guy doing his job!

Only way out of Gotham is by ferry.  Knowing dis, police make a point of checking it for explosives send dem on deir way.  And, guess what? Dey diskover explosives on board!  Dey also find box containing detonator.  Dis result in most stoopidest clumsy line in movie when guy ask: “Why would they give us the detonator to our own bomb?”. OUR OWN bomb?.  Why would he say dis?  Becuz dere be ANOTHER ferry out dere wit ANOTHER bomb!  Aktually, no.  Dere be no reason for him to say dis.  It sound like a line de studio added “for clarity” and it just end up making even less sense.

Passengers on both ferries told dey have detonator to other ferry’s bomb.  If dey trigger other bomb, dey save demselves.  If dey don’t choose, dey all die!

Batman track down Joker to high-rise.  Exciting showdown ensue. Batman capture Joker and foil his attempt to blow up ferries. Passengers on both ferries do de right ting and don’t blow each other up.  We have all learned valuable lesson today about de human spirit and de power of love to conquer -

But wait!  It not over!  Harvey Dent kidnap Jim Gordon’s family!  He going to get his revenge on Gordon becuz…er…becuz…Jim Gordon…uh…becuz Harvey be crazy.

But Batman arrive in nick of time!  He save Gordon and co., killing (?) Harvey/Two-Face.  He and Gordon decide to publikly lie and accuse de innocent Batman of Harvey’s murder so dat, uh, Harvey can remain symbol for truth and justice.  By lying and accusing an innocent man. Truth and justice.  Okie dokie.

Verdikt: Overall a pretty good movie if you squint at de little stoopidities.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

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LS posterDis movie suck more den Grover’s aunt Tildy at a Shriner’s convention.

Movie begin wit guy walking down a dark alley where he encounter shaky creep hiding under dirty blanket.  To most sane people, dis be invitation to skedaddle.  But not dis guy.  He stand and watch as – in movie’s most horrifying sequence – creep trow off blanket and KNOCK COFFEE CUP OUT OF GUY’S HAND.  HE GET COFEE EVERYWHERE!!!

Oh, and he a snake man.

CUT TO: SWAT team, Ghost Squad, showing up at scene of some heist. Team members given orders: “You, you and you – go dis way.  You, you, and you go dat way.”  You, you, and you?  You tink dat, maybe, dese guys might be on a first name basis?

Inside building, armed thugs everywhere.  Dey led by Snake Man who stroll around all nonchalant, wearing a towel draped over his head like he just finished a spa treatment.  He joined by guy whose coffee he spilled in alley.  Turns out it he be Snake Man’s brother.  Me tink.

"Shteve, Jamie's in trouble!"

“Shteve, Jamie’s in trouble!”

SWAT team, led by Lee Majors, move in.  Dey sneak up on bad guy guards and strangle and break deir necks.  Why bother incapacitating when murdering dem so much easier?  CUT TO: dead security guards everywhere.  On de floor.  In a chair.  Coming up de eskalator.  Wait. What?  Either security guy killed twenty seconds earlier or dis be world’s LONGEST eskalator ride!

SWAT team Ghost Squad get into shootout.  Kill bad guys, den manage to sneak up behind other bad guys who, apparently, suffering from inner ear infektions and not hear all dat gunfire.  BUT – Snake Man not so easy to sneak up on.  AND, like most Snake Men, he know kung fu.  He beat up our hero, Daniel, and eskape to a waiting van.

Uh…way to secure de perimeter, SWAT Ghost Squad.  Snake Man blow up building – or facsimile thereof.  Dem be some bad visual effekts!

FLASHBACK to years earlier where scientist be working on synthetik skin graft.  Like most brilliant scientists, he test it on himself first – burning his arm over bunsen burner and slapping on de synthetik skin graft.  Unfortunately, it a no go.  Oh well, back to de drawing board – and, presumably, de hospital to get treated for turd degree burns.

It turn out our hero, Daniel, be a friend of scientist and he have bad news.  Politicians in Washington pulling de plug on his research.  He out of money.  And becuz he not able to complete his work, his sister – who, coinsidentally was in recent car accident and horribly burned – dies.  Well, dat de implikation but it unlikely new coat of skin would have helped much.  Still, scientist so mad he break into lab at night and, after caressing and sweet-talking his lab equipment, accidentally start a fire – and get badly burned.  He enter weird chamber and become…Snake Man!

Lizard Man

Lizard Man

FLASHFORWARD to Present Day (spoiler alert: sadly, no aktual presents. :().  Daniel diskovered alive.  In rubble of 20+ story building(?!).  He rushed to hospital in extended multi-cut sekwence punctuated by slo-mo shots of ambulance driving.  Bad news: his pelvis and legs be crushed.  Good news: Convenient experimental treatment will have him up and around in no time.  Even better newz: Ghost Squad caught one of Snake Man’s thugs.

Dat night, Snake Man and his crew show up and shoot hospital staff. Dey sneak up on cops guarding prisoner (who be obviously suffering from same inner ear infektion as bad guys several scenes earlier) and kill dem.  Snake Man be partikularly OTT, snapping necks, strutting around and shooting people two-gun style.  It as if John Woo’s less talented younger brother made a movie and cast Gorn from de original Star Trek in de lead.

Mr. Gorn be ready for his close-up.

Mr. Gorn be ready for his close-up.

For good measure, Snake Man ratchet up radiation in hero-Daniel’s room.  Uh, why Daniel getting radiation treatment?  Never mind. Fortunately Daniel manage to hit big red CANCEL RADIATION button by his bed before tings get too uncomfortable.  On de one hand, he suffer near lethal dose of radiation.  On de other hand, near lethal dose of radiation give him super speed!  (Kids, don’t try dis at home).

Whee!  Lookit him go!

Whee! Lookit him go!

Daniel run around super fast and collapse.  Concerned doctor give him “metabolism juice” to keep his spirits up.

Meanwhile, Snake Man has meeting wit his army at lavish hideout.  He prove very temperamental and end up killing his General.  Dis bring up a couple of questions:

1. If dis guy crazy enuf to kill his own men, why would anybody work for him?

2. Where he get de money to hire his own private army?  Last time monster checked, he couldn’t even afford to continue his research!

3. How it possible we not even at halfway point of movie?

Daniel decide he need a skintight spandex costume to show off his half-boner, so he visit de local sports shop and pick one up.

Cut to: A meeting of scientists in a tiny room.  Lead scientist unveils…a “Mass Ionic Dispersal Device!”.  Other scientists clearly impressed and applaud. Beat.  One pipes up: “What does it do?”  What does it do? Seriously?  Better question: “Hey, why we all standing around in dis room?”.

Back at Ghost Squad HQ, Lee Majors reveals dat, luckily, dey put sekret transmitter in prisoner Snake Man sprung from hospital.  Now dey can track de bad guys!  Dis be great – if not for de fakt dat movie clearly established months have passed since hospital attack.  What took ‘em so long?  Ghost Squad head off to get de drop on Snake Man and co. – wit sirens BLARING!

Snake Man and his thugs steal Mass Ionic Dispersal Device.  But, before dey can get away, Ghost Squad show up!  Shoot-out! Lightspeed zip onto de scene and, for some reason (mebbe to make it a fair fight) not bother using his super speed to fight Snake Man.  So he get his ass kicked.  Snake Man steal device and stroll out to a waiting van where he make his getaway.  Again.  Ghost Squad really need to bone up on deir perimeter-securing.

Back at Ghost Squad HQ, team suspekt dere be a mole among dem. How else to explain how Snake Man always one step ahead?  But monster feel need to point out dat Snake Man NOT one step ahead. Ghost Squad could have caught him twice – if dey had SECURED DE PERIMETER!!!

Member of team Ghost Squad captured and forced to give up location of safehouse where Daniel and his girlfriend living.  Snake Man and thugs lay ambush for Daniel who show up – as Lightspeed.  Again, he not bother using his super speed to fight Snake Man and, again, Snake Man kick his ass.  Den leave wit Daniel’s girlfriend.  At dis point, monster can’t help but wonder why?  Why bother laying ambush for Daniel if he not going to kill him?  Why not kidnap girlfriend and leave before he get dere?

Lightspeed about to get boned.

Be gentle wit him, Snake Man.

More stoopid shit happen.  Finally, Lightspeed and Ghost Squad get location of Snake Man’s HQ.  Lightspeed show up and told he have one of two choices: save girlfriend wit bomb strapped to her chest, or save millions of people from device dat will make Washington D.C. chilly.  Or super hot.  Me apologize but, at dis point, monster distracted by far more interesting Humana Medicare Advantage infomercial.

Lightspeed use his super speed to run to Washinton leaving -

Snake Man and his brother to walk into next room and rough up girlfriend.  Lightspeed disarm device.  But it not possible for him to race back and save girlfriend in time (In hindsight, he should have just saved girlfriend first to save time but, hey, whatcha gonna do?). Fortunately, Snake Man’s brother chooses dis moment to have sudden crisis of conscience and question whole plan.  Why?  Why de sudden turn?  Duh.  Becuz Lightspeed need convenient delay dat will allow him to get back in time to save his girlfriend.  Snake Man angry and kill his brother.  Den spend next fifteen minutes yelling to himself – conveniently giving Lightspeed plenty of time to get back.

BUT Lee Majors show up and – in movie’s biggest stoopidest twist – it revealed dat HE de mole.

Wait!  WHAT?!

How possible for him to be de mole?  Why it be necessary to kidnap and torture other Ghost Squad member to get location of Daniel’s safe house when dey could have just asked Lee Majors?  If he de mole, why Lee Majors implanted transmitter in Snake Man’s brother?  What de Fudgee-o?

Snake Man shoot and kill Lee Majors becuz he be a spiteful boss, den Lightspeed set Snake Man on fire and kick him out window.

Daniel and his girlfriend go on a picnic.  De End.

Verdikt:  Skript be truly horrible, but it offset by incredibly bad direktion.

Rating: No cookies but one chocolate chippee.  Dat turn out to be a rat turd.  Sorry.

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How can movie about sexy bendy girl who wear leather outfit and carry a whip not be good?  How possible?  Well, why not we run down pros and cons of Catwoman.  Cons: crappy akting, stoopid skript, lame direktion, annoying music, terruble speshul effekts.  Pros: Not longer den 104 minutes.  Hmmmm.  Monster tink we have our answer.

We introduced to main charakter, Patience Philips, who work at Cosmetic Firm for angry boss and his wife.  Patience be very meek, very timid, clumsy, and not very good at climbing out on ledges and onto side of buildings (all dis ridikulously established in first twenty minutes of movie).  One night, she drop by Cosmetic Firm R&D (in dis case, it stand for “rash” and “dopey”) to drop off work and happen to overhear scientist complaining about new cosmetic cream dat cause hideous physikal side effekts.  He suggest company not sell it but boss’s wife overrule him.  Why?  Becuz cream be very addiktive and she see opportunity for company to make lots of money.  How, exacktly, she expect company to make money AND survive inevitable consumer lawsuits and government investigation beats monster.  But dese be questions for de sekwel.

Me surprised to see Mitt Romney play part of evil boss in dis movie.

Bad guys notice Patience and chase her through plant, shooting at her, den flushing her out into ocean along wit super-speshul cosmetic chemikal bath (?).  She mostly dead but brought back to life.  Luckily, cat know artificial respiration!

Cat lifeguard on duty!

Patience go back home and, next morning, wake up and diskover she sleeping on shelf.  Get it?  She a cat!  Dis first of many incredibly stoopid cat-gags.  She hisses.  Dogs bark at her.  She wolf down sushi. She go crazy for catnip.  She go to bar and order “White Russian.  No ice, no vodka, no hold de Kahlua” and bartender hand her de drink: “Cream, straight up.”  “Cat got your tongue?”she say at one point.  In another scene, we find her on her bed, licking cans of cat food.  She turned into a cat!  Get it?!

She suddenly posses cat-like powerz like having great balance, surviving falls, uh, climbing walls, errr, using a whip, and, hmmmm, playing basketball really really well (in a scene dat rival Daredevil/Elektra playground fight as one of cheesiest scenes in superhero movie history).

She show mad cat skills.

She steal motorcycle.  She foil robbery (and steal jeweled necklace to make nails for her cat gloves).  She strut along rooftops.  All de while, incessant crakptakular music play. It be like sitting thru one seemingly endless Toni Braxton video.

Wha-chaaa!

She track down bad guy who shoot at her and, after doing sexy whip dance at club (?), she rough him up and he tell her about sekret cosmetic.  She go to R&D lab and diskover scientist dead.  But janitor find HER and she suspekted of murder!

Equally dumb sub-plot involve her romantik relationship wit detektive. Dey go to amusement park where ferris wheel screw up.  Gears spinning out of control!  What to do?!  Detektive climb down from top of ferris wheel and stick wrench in gears to stop dem from turning (apparently, someting absolutely no one else on de ground capable of doing) while, up on ferris wheel, Patience use her cat quickness to save little kid.  Why dis scene important?  It not.  What it add to movie? Absolutely nothing.  It just feel like producers said “Hey, it been long time since someting actiony happen.  Why no have her save kid on ferris wheel?”

Catwoman break into boss’s house and confronted by wife.  She tell her she also suspekt hubby of general badness.  Catwoman confront boss at theater (aka tell him he not very nice), den chased by cops including her detective boyfriend.  Dey fight on CATwalk (me not tink dis accidental) den she lick and kiss his face before getting away.

“Cat got your tongue?” Get it? She a cat!

On another date wit her detective boy, it start to rain and Patience run under awning becuz she hate rain (remember, she a cat!  GET IT?!!!). Dis lead monster to remember dat cats not like water either meaning she probably not shower or bathe in a while.  Dis not bother detective and he go back to her apartment and dey have music video sex during which she scratch his back (did me mention she a cat?  You get it?). But, next morning, he discover jewel, part of her cat glove.  He take glass she used back to de lab and match lipstick DNA on glass to lipstick on cheek where Catwoman kissed him.  For real.  It a 99.9% match!

Catwoman go back to boss’s mention and fine him dead.  It turn out…boss’s wife kill him and frame Catwoman.  Patience arrested and detective confront her in interrogation. She say she innocent but he throw her in jail anyway.

“Boo hoo hoo. Why you not trust me?” “Um, mebbe because you a lying, split personality criminal?”

At dis point, screenwriter muster all his intelligence to come up wit de most brilliant metho of eskape, a method so clever and original me not ever seen it before.  How does Patience eskape from prison?  You ready for it?  She eskape by…squeezing between de bars.  For real!!!

Skinny criminals take note.

She put costume back on and confront boss’s wife who, it turn out, have super powers becuz, uh, de cream disfigure people AND give dem super powers!  How dat for a twist?!  No good?  Did me mention she eskape from prison cell by squeezing thru de bars?  Detective injured and he say to her “I’m sorry.  I should have trusted you all along.”  Of course!  All she did was lie to you about being a criminal.  Why WOULDN’T you trust her?

Cat fight! Get it?

Girl fight!  Cue lame music!  Cue lame dialogue!  Boss’s wife: “It’s over.”  Catwoman: “Guess what?  It’s overtime!”  Catwoman kick boss’s wife out window and she fall to her death.  Den, she tell detective: “I may not be a hero, but I’m certainly not a killer.”  Monster not so sure. Me guess kicking someone out a window to deir death be borderline.

Verdikt: Dis movie a CATastrophe.  Get it it?  She a cat!

Rating: 2 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

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At one point during movie, monster get so enraged he charge into food court and start smashing, stomping, screaming, and trowing Sbarro pizza toppings at frightened children when – Oh, sorry.  Dis not scene from movie The Hulk.  Dis was Cookie Monster’s REACTION to movie The Hulk, one of de most tortuously long and plodding superhero movies me have reviewed so far.  Ang Lee direkts dis film like a 70′s t.v. show, wit so many cheezy wipes and split screens monster feel like he watching an old episode of Streets of San Francisco.  Lame dialogue not do much to dispel dis illusion.  Only moments it not look like a 70′s t.v. show be during extended CG/visual effects sekwences – when it look like a lame videogame.

A scene from Hulk videogame movie videogame movie…uh…videogame.

So, direkton, skript, and CG be crap.  What else you got?

How about: contrived story, stoopid developments, and one giant useless subplot involving skeevy-looking Nick Nolte (playing skeevy-looking father of Hulk) and his dogs.

Sorry. Dis be a scene from The Hulk movie videogame movie videogame…movie.  Me tink.

Movie begin in what look like (appropriately enuf) de 70′s where scientist David Banner (wit cheezy pornstar mustache) do sekret experiments on his son, Bruce.  Years later, Bruce grown up and he too is scientist, working wit his hot ex-girlfriend fellow scientist, Betty.

Sorry.  Me can accept sekret experiment dat turn human into raging green monster.  Me can even accept fakt dat Bruce Banner’s stretchy shirts and socks rip off when he changes into Hulk while non-stretchy pants do not.  But me have have major problem accepting a nerd like Bruce Banner have hot ex-girlfriend dat look like Jennifer Connelly.

A magikal world where humans turn into giant green monsters, electricity makes people stronger, and hot girls go out wit nerds.

Movie peppered wit so many bizarre moments, monster would have to make dis a two-part review to cover dem all.  For instants, when Betty leaving lab one night and notice creepy-looking new janitor, she ask: “Where’s Benny?” Creepy janitor inform her: “Benny’s dead.”  Any normal, non-psycopatik human at dis point would say someting like: “Dat’s terrible.” or “I’m sorry to hear it.” or at least be shocked or saddened by news dat “Benny’s dead”.  Instead, she respond: “Pleased to meet you.”  Pleased to meet you?  Pleased to meet you?!!!  Moving on…

Another bizarre moment come when Bruce moping over Betty.  He pull out photo of dem together and, suddenly, photo come alive and become window into  flashback.  In flashback, Betty tell Bruce about someting dat happened to her when she was young – at which point we go into another flashback.  A flashback INSIDE a flashback.  What de Fudgee-o?

Next day, back in de real world, experiment go awry and Bruce blasted wit nano-mats(?).  But he bounce back and in fine shape.  In fact, even better shape dan before.  It turn out dat nano-metes PLUS experiments dat his father subjected him to changed Bruce.  He turn into Hulk and trash lab in scene reminiscent of de most mediocre of video game sekwences.

Hulk furious. Me know how he feel after sitting thru dis dud of a movie.

Despite being incredibly destruktive, Hulk never kill anyone in dis sopomorik movie.  At one point, he cause helicopter to crash.  Seconds later, pilot radio everyone be a-okay.  It like, suddenly, me watching de A-Team t.v. series!

But den, a couple of scenes later, me suddenly watching a low-rent Pixar knock-off when Hulk attacked by mutant dogs (led by hilariously creepy gamma poodle).  Hoo boy.  And dis movie not even close to over.

Rut ro, Shaggy.

More stoopidities abound:

Creepy janitor somehow gets access to trashed lab’s top sekret contents.  How?  Becuz he works dere.  How did he get job?  Well, me assume he passed de rigorous screening process.  Well, as rigorous a screening process as possible considering de guy travels to and from work wit a pack of dogs.

Bruce put in containment chamber and transforms into hulk. Containment container is breached.  How?  Does Hulk use his super strength to break it?  No.  It spring a leak.  It breached by water displacement!

Rut ro, Shaggy.

Wait.  Monster take back de fakt dat nobody die in dis movie. Somebody does die – de stereotypikal businessman – who killed (for reazon me still not understand) and blown up in ridikulous shot dat have him flying thru de air and den freeze before shot consumed by fire.

General Thunderbolt Ross order all out attack on Hulk.  Hulk smashing tanks.  Army shooting at Hulk.  It look like it going to be one messy massive climactic battle – until General notice Hulk making googoo eyes at Betty.  So he order his troops to stand down and send his daughter to confront crazy monster alone.  Confronted wit Betty, Bruce lose his raging Hulk-on.

De End.

No, wait!  Me forgot about useless subplot involving creepy janitor who turn out to be Bruce’s crazy scientist father who used equipment leftover from lab thrashing to transform himself into mutant absorbing man.  And so, audience have to sit thru interminable tacked-on extra half hour ending in which Bruce Hulk battle Father mutant in darkly lit sekwence where impossible to figure out what de hell be going on.

“Bite the Cable: A reference to the precise moment in which a movie goes off the deep end of plausibility and/or sanity.” – http://www.thefilmyap.com/

Seriously!  Your movie be 138 minutes long!  Why dis subplot at all necessary?  Lose 20 minute sekwence of father experimenting on Bruce off de top, lose creepy janitor, lose goofy gamma dogs, lose useless second ending and just have accident in lab be cause of Hulk.  And voila.  Instead of unbearable two and a half hour movie you let wit somewhat less irritating film dat run a more or less watchable 90 minutes!

But Cookie Monster not writer/producer, so what me know?

Verdikt: If dis movie was a frat house, it be Pi Krappa Gamma.

Rating: 2 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Please diskuz!

Next week Supermovie of de Week Club selektion:

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Ever have it when you need to write skript for movie, but tings are going slow so you invite Count and Big Bird to your place for drinks but you do too many jagermeister shots and one of girlz Count bring wit him slip roofie into your beer chaser and you wake up next morning wit no pants, no wallet, but finished skript you wrote in drunken, drug-addled, three hour stupor?  No?  Well, monster suspekt screenwriter of Spawn VERY familiar wit dis scenario – or someting close to it – becuz it next to impossible to write a skript so convoluted in a fully conscious state.

Movie begin wit narrator delivering preamble to help make complikated movie slightly less baffling.  Den, we introduced to our hero, Al Simmons, who work for CIA-like agency A-6.  Well, not exactly hero becuz he have no problem killing room full of innocent air traffic controllers in very first scene!  Anyhoo, anti-hero Al want to quit de biz but his boss, Jason (played by gravely voice Martin Sheen) send him on one final op.  Of course, it be a set-up.  Boss Jason conspire wit some clown (No, seriously.  A real clown) and double-cross Al wit help of sexy assassin Priest.  Jason burnt, den blown up for good meazure.

President Bartlett!

Al wake up in some Gothik city dressed like burn victim hobo.  Somehow, he find his way back to his house (#364 bus out of Rat City go right to suburbia!) and make several unpleasant diskoveries: 1. Five years have passed.  2. His best friend get wit his wife.  3. His wife no longer recognize him – and find him kinda gross.

Luckily, he meet up wit some clown (No, seriously.  A real clown!) who explain everyting.

No.  Really.

Al died, sent to Hell, met BAD CG devil, and agreed to lead his army in exchange for chance to see his wife again.   He get new name…SPAWN!  Admittedly, cooler den Al.

Oh Hell

Spawn want REVENGE!  So, like practically every comic book villain in movie history, he crash some high falootin’ party.  He shot at.  He eskape – but not before killing Priest who says someting like: “You don’t have the guts” before getting shot.  Monster’s question is: Why in de world would she tink he WOULDN’T shoot?

Spawn get away.  Outside, he get into argument wit some clown (No, seriously.  A real clown!) in middle of street in full view of cops who obviously have more important tings to worry about.

At dis point, you can be excused for asking: WTF (What the Fudgee-o?) is going on? What de hell is Spawn supposed to be doing?  Leading devil’s army?  Okay, so where de army at?

Instead, Spawn diskover new powerz.  Learn to control his armor.  Go back to Rat City and make new friends: milquetoast guy wit hat and, of course, an adorable street urchin.

Pointy

Spawn stalk his wife.  Follows her to place where she is giving speech.  For some reazon, she leaves daughter all alone in gymnasium.  Oh, wait.  Monster know de reazon.  So dat Spawn can find her and have nice chat.  Some clown show up (No, seriously.  A REAL clown!) dressed up as cheerleader.  He prance around and sing. Further undermining any hope dat dis be a movie anyone going to take seriously, clown also fart green gas, pull out and study his skidmark underwear, and eat maggot pizza.  Ho ho ho.  Screenwriter must have had all sort of fun spinning dese ideas wit his son’s daycare class.

Spawn finally get as tired of dis clown as audience and de two fight.  Clown transform into…another BAD CG monster.

Scary, no? No.

Dey fight!  Violator win!  Dey go back to Spawn’s place.  Dey fight some more!  Wit help of milquetoast hat man, Spawn take unmemorable trip to Hell, defeat clown/Violator by cutting off his head, AND beat up Jason for good meazure.

Movie end wit narrator summing up what we already know, holding threat of potenshul sekwel over our heads.

VERDICT: Dis one had potenshul to be dark, smart, and creepy but, instead, turn out to be silly, stupid, and confusing.  Was clown supposed to be scary?  Or intentionally lame?

RATING: 2.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

Next week’s movie – Steel starring noted thespian Shaquille O’Neal:

Oof.

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Dis movie nowhere near fantastic but, all in all, not de worst fan film monster have ever seen.  De skript be cliche and contrived, de akting hokey and over-de-top, and de special effekts soooo cheezy, but you have to remember dat dis movie not made by profeshiunals.  It a produkt of love by group of people wit absolutely no experience making movies and even less money to…wait.  What?  WHAAAAT?!  Dis NOT a fan film?

WHAAAT?!!

Okay, apparently dis a real movie.  Or is it?  It was made for 1.4 million dollars.  Direktor and aktors were told it was real.  But producer only made movie so he would not lose rights to Fantastic Four.  Movie never released and producer went on to make bigger budjet Fantastic Four movie in 2005 (which monster hear be not dat much better).  Dat explain A LOT.

Movie begin wit Reed and Victor, best friends, who decide to harness de power of…COLOSSUS an energy asteroid thingy dat flying by Earth! (Pleaze do not try dis at home!)

Reed and Victor, BFF. Or, as slashers call dem, “Mr. FanDoomStick”.

Experiment not exactly smooooth sailing.  Lab blow up.  Victor badly injured!  Reed go to visit him at hospital but creepy Borat doktors tell him dat Viktor dead.

BUT it turn dey not just your run-of-de-mill creepy Borat doktors. Viktor still alive and dey kidnap him!  Why?  Who are dey?  Audience never find out.  Mebbe we have to wait for direktor’s cut.

Ten years later, Reed and his buddy pilot Ben plan to fly into space and harness power of…COLOSSUS!  (Please do not try dis at home!)  On way to outerspace, dey drop by home of friends Sue and Johnny Storm and invite dem to join.  Why?  Sure, dey may not have proper astronaut training, but Reed not want to make dem feel left out.  Even tho he not seen dem in 10 years!

Check out de low rent Freddy Kreuger.

Meanwhile, really lame charakter called De Jeweler (who live underground wit fellow hobos who akt like dey in a children’s theater produktion of Oliver Twist), fall in love wit blind sculptor, Alicia, who in love with Ben after he bump into her, destroy her art, den lift her up off her feet and proklaim: “You’re safe wit me!”.  What a douche.  Jeweler decide to steal a diamond for her, de biggest diamond he know – which happen to be what Reed will use in his spaceship to harness de power of…COLOSSUS!  (Did me mention you shouldn’t try dis at home?)  Anyway, diamond kept in high-security laser-protected lab – which, apparently, can be beaten by a good game of hopscotch. Jeweler steal diamond and switch it wit fake.

As a result, space mission not exaktly go as planned.  Ship blow up in space!

Spektacular visual effekt compliments of tin foil and some firecrackers.

Crazy 70′s kaleidoskope effekts!  Somehow, pieces of ship and all four crew members (Reed, Ben, Sue, and Johnny) survive re-entry and all land in de same place.  Turn out dey all have superpowerz! Johnny can make fire!  Reed be stretchy!  Sue can go invisible!  In one of best scenes in movie, military arrive and talking to Reed when Ben show up. Everyone shocked except Ben who, for some reason, not even happen to notice he turned into…A BIG ORANGE ROCK MONSTER!

Johnny have de hot hand. Heh.

Military take dem to lab where goofy doktor examine dem.  Nyuk nyuks ensue.  Thing sit and break chair.  Johnny scare doktor with flame. Sue startle doktor and cause him to stick hisself wit needle.  Reed uses stretchy arm to take needle from doktor.  Ho ho ho!

Can’t wait for de urinalysis.

Fantastic Four (dat what Sue and Johnny’s mom call dem) get suspishus.

De original Orange Crush.

Turn out dey not being held by de military.  Dey being held by Victor who now goes by name of DR. DOOM (me tink he got honorary doctorate from Latveria U) -

Click-click-click-click. “I am Doom. Moohoohahahahahahahahahaha!” Click.

Dr. Doom walk around in metal suit and green robe.  His voice sound like he in a tin can somewhere in de next room (monster guess produktion couldn’t be bothered to bring aktor in for dubbing).  He always tapping his metal fingerz, click-click-click-click-click.  And laughing in good ole’ cheezy superillain fashion: “Moooohoooohahahahahahahahahahaha!”.  At least he have positive attitood.

FF eskape.  Bullets bounce off Thing.  Reed (aka Mr. Fantastik, aka Stretchy Stretcherson) stretch out his leg and trip every soldier running into room. EVERY soldier.  Dey just trip right over his leg and knocked unconscious by fall.

Dr. Doom go to steal diamond from De Jeweler who has kidnapped Alicia to make her his Queen.  Doom’s Doom Trooperz kick ass and take diamond.  Dey also kidnap Alicia, knocking her out wit kloroform(?). We see from Alicia Point of View as she sprayed in face, kloroform take effekt, den tings go all fuzzy and…

Uh, waitaminute.  Isn’t Alicia blind?

Shhhshhhshhhh.

Dr. Doom plan to use diamond to power laser he will use to destroy New York!  He send Reed proof: stock footage of nuclear blast blowing away house.  Fantastic Four go to Doom’s hideout in new outfits Sue sew for dem (Dat a girl!).  But dey get trapped in forcefields!

Reverse force field allows prisoners easy access in AND out!

But not very good forcefields.  For some reason, Reed able to stretch his leg out and kick over laser.  Yep.  Just kick it over.  Explosions!  FF is free!

But laser already fired at New York!  No problem.  Johnny turn into Human Torch and chase it down.  For real.  Laser traveling at SPEED OF LIGHT!  And he still catch up!

At dis point, movie turn into cartoon.  Human Torch save de dey.

Human Torch save de dey, Hanna Barbera style!

Reed chase down Dr. Doom.  Fight!  Doom hanging off building and ask Reed to help him.  Reed reach out – at which point Doom give de old “You don’t have what it take to kill me!” speech.  Doom lose his glove and disappear into de cloudz below.  Cloudz below?!  How high up are dey?!

Hurray!  Johnny save New York from laser!  Reed defeat Dr. Doom! Thing beat up all de Doom Trooperz!  And Sue sewed de nice outfits dey’re wearing.  Dat’s team work!

Happy ending!  Reed and Sue get married.  In deir costumes for some reazon.  Dey get into car and, as dey drive away, Reed stretch out his arm and wave bye bye.

Bye bye, wedding guests! Bye bye, viewers! Bye bye any chance of a sequel!

Whew!  Monster can’t believe he sit thru dis entire movie.  (PLEAZE do not try dis at home!)

Verdikt: If Fantastic Four taught monster anyting, it dat crappy moviez be crappy moviez, but crappy superhero moviez be de crappiest of all! Also, apparently most homeless people be failed Shakespearean aktors.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie earned by costume department.

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