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Posts Tagged ‘Cookie Monster’

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Boy, dere be nothing worse den doing someting really embarrassing like slipping on a banana peel and falling down a flight of stairs or making a really shitty movie.  Fortunately, dere be convenient way to cover such faux-pas.  Just adopt ye old “Me meant to do dat!” excuse. Ie -

Rosita burn down Mr. Hooper’s store during Cinque de Mayo celebrations = “Me meant to do dat!”

Bert and Ernie misplace Elmo during White Party in Miami = “Me meant to do dat!”

Grover pass out at strip club and wake up wit shaved ass = “Me meant to do dat!”

So Monster have sneaking suspicion dat, at some point during produktion of dis movie, producers realize Black Scorpion going to be a massive turd.  Instead of pulling plug, dey make tweaks to movie to make it seem intentionally cheesy.  Unfortunately, it such a slap-dash patchy job dat movie end up feeling like a schizophrenic Frankenstein monster who REALLY like to show her boobies.  A lot.

Movie begin wit cop father telling young daughter, Darcy, terrible age-inappropriate bedtime story about lying killer scorpion.  Monster suppose it could have been worse.  He could have told her de one about hooker and pirate wit peg leg.

After telling story, father go out and gun down some bad guys.  And an innocent ER doctor.

Years later, Darcy grow up to be a cop.  She be pretty good – until her father gunned down and she get kicked of police force for threatening killer wit gun.  It lead to dis fantastik exchange:

Police Chief: You’re suspended.

Darcy: It’s because I’m a woman.

Police Chief: It’s because you pulled a gun on a suspect.

Darcy: But he killed my father!

Oh.  Okay.

So what a girl to do?

Well, if you’re DIS girl, you dress up in totally inappropriate unwieldly outfit, don mask, call yourself Black Scorpion and go out and fight crime.  She beat up bad guys.  She use her energy boots to jump really high.  Wait.  Energy boots?  How she get energy boots?

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Dey call him Argyle because…er…search monster.

Eventually, our heroine confide her true identity to someone.  Her supportive detective partner she in love wit?  Of course not.  How about some goofy criminal.  Better!  But why she confide in him? Because she need him to turn her car into a poor woman’s batmobile.

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Percival J. Smogley III

Meanwhile, not-so-super villain who look like reject from de old Mighty Morphin Power Rangers t.v. series enact plan to bas entire city.  He warn everybody and tell dem to pick up gas masks at Bureau of Research and Engineering and Atmospheric Technology for Health. Yep, for some reason, BREATH corner de market on gas masks.  And no one de least bit suspicious.  Villain survey de street-level panic on his wall of twenty-four t.v. screens.  But because he too cheap pay for cable, all twenty-four monitors show de same channel.

Big anti-climactic climax take place at….BREATH headquarters! Surprised?  Me not want to spoil big reveal dat ER doctor shot by Black Scorpion’s father secret identity of villain so please do not read dis sentence.

Movie end wit partner telling fellow cops dat Darcy save de day!  And dey all laugh because, of course, Darcy a girl.

VERDIKT: Gratuitous nudity greatly appreciated, but not enough.

RATING: 3  chocolate chippee cookies.

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Crow posterFull disklosure: Monster not a fan of mimes.  It be a phobia me have (like heights, tight places, and Celine Dion) dat go all de way back to monster’s childhood.  Me often try to figure out why dis be, and always come up wit tree possible reasons: 1. Mimes be second-cousins of clowns who, everyone can agree, be creepy mofo’s.  2. Mimes never speak clearly mean dey have someting to hide.  3. When monster just a kid, me get punched in eye by drunken mime.  For dese reasons, me tink me not like mimes.  Also because, for many years, street mime dat perform outside monster’s apartment building always doing invisible wall gag.  It not so bad except dis particular invisible wall be bathroom stall.

Anyhoo, all dis to say: me not like mimes.  So when presented wit dis movie about an undead mime (!), monster about as enthusiastic as Grover at a waxing bar.

But dis movie surprise monster.  In a good way.  Not like sucker punch in de eye.

Let's do the time warp agaaaaiiiiin!

Let’s do the time warp agaaaaiiiiin!

The Crow be a classic revenge tale.  Boy meets Girl.  Boy loses girl – and life.  Boy comes back from de grave and kill a bunch of bad guys.

After he and his girlfriend get killed by bunch of thugs, Eric Draven take it very personal.  He crawl out of his grave, don pancake make-up, and become…Super Mime.  No, scratch dat.  He become…De Crow!  But, er, why he wear pancake make-up?  He not exaktly trying to hide his identity.  He tell everyone who he really be: cops, a kid, de bad guys he about to kill.  It not as if police can go arrest him at his new cemetery loft.

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He be good at killing AND art.

Drawing inspiration – and power – from a crow, Eric, aka De Crow, start exacting revenge on thugs responsible for ruining his life.  One by one, he pick dem off, skewering one wit multiple knives, pincushioning another wit needles, taping another into his car before sending it speeding off a dock AND blowing it up, culminating in big shoot-out and Gothic rooftop swordfight in dead of night and driving rain!  It all presented as pretty straightforward revenge fare, but it very satisfying because all de elements work.  Solid direktion, a good skript dat only occasionally cheesy, and some very good performances.

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He like it spicy!

Movie work so well because it, at it’s heart, be a story about love and loss.  De Crow not be your typical vigilante but a tragik figure.  Dis conveyed in his backstory, his love for his girlfriend, in brilliantly broody performance by Brandon Lee, and in his relationships wit two secondary characters: a by-de-book cop and a street kid wit a chip on her shoulder.  On de surface, de latter seem as cliched as de movie’s plot but, like de plot, it transcend formula and stereotypes to deliver a film wit surprising heart and depth.

Verdikt: Puts almost every other bloated, big budget superhero movie to shame.

Rating: 8.5 chocolate chippee cookies!

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Guyver - posterMovie begin wit an opening scroll, just like Star Wars.  Unlike Star Wars, however, opening scroll accompanied by voice-over because Guyver fans either illiterate or too damn lazy to read.  As far as info dumps go, dis be as big a dump as a movie can take.  We learn dat dere be creatures living among us called Zoanoids.  And dey led by a Zoalord.  And dey work thru a company called Chronos Corporation. And Chronos Corporation working on a mysterious someting called De Unit.  And a scientist working on De Unit steal it.  And he be on de run from Chronos Corporation and its various Zoanoid subsidiaries.  Phew. Okay.  We up to date.  Now we can start aktual movie!

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Quit smoking wit de cigarette-helmet!

We open on scientist on de run.  Idiots chasing him spot him from top of bridge and yell “There he is!”, alerting him. Dis give him time to hide De Unit.  When bad guys show up, he mutate into…hokey Halloween costume.  Bad guy responds by mutating into…another hokey Halloween costume.  Two “fearsome” creatures face off.  But fangs and claws just for show.  Instead of biting and clawing like most self-respecting monsters, it’s Marquis of Queensbury rules as de creatures exchange punches and occasional kicks to each other’s rubber gonads.  Bad guys win but De Unit nowhere to be found.

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Trick or treat!  Oh, trick?  How about de fakt you paid to see dis movie?

CIA agent Luke Skywalker pay visit to scientist’s daughter, a woman who run a judo skool.  He tell her he was about to meet her father when he witnessed him being murdered.  Oh, sure, me suppose he could have hurried over to help or maybe even yelled at de bad guys while dey be killing her dad, but dere be no point in crying over spilt milk.  Or dad blood.  Luke all full of qwestions for her but she not have any answers.  Hell, she barely able to string two sentences together.

Unbeknownst to her, she being stalked by creepy judo student, Sean – but dats okay because Sean be our hero.  One night, he be wandering thru a dark alley, minding his own business, when he get surrounded by what passed for a scary street gang in 1991.  Dey beat him up but Sean end up fusing wit De Unit which he, coincidentally, found and helped himself to while watching a police forensic team search for it.   Sean transform into De Guyver and proceed to beat up and kill gang members while dispensing what passed for wry witticisms in 1991.  In keeping wit crap aktion movie tradition, scene culminate in someone ending up head first in a trash can.

Meanwhile, Agent Skywalker try to console grieving daughter.  He talk about her dad.  She cry.  He console her – and try to move in for a kiss.  Seriously.  Dude.  Her dad just died!  Fortunately, dey be interrupted by friend who drop by.  Agent Skywalker tell dem he will go out and pick up someting to eat – because, presumably, he never heard of delivery – and leave.  While he gone, scientist’s daughter get kidnapped by bad guys.

BUT before bad guys can get away, Sean arrive on de scene.  He reskue scientist’s daughter and dey run away.  Bad guys turn into rubber monsters and run after dem, seguing into agonizingly long chase sekwence.  At one point, Zoanoid end up on movie set and get instruktion from direktor who believe he be aktor in shitty monster costume.  Ha ha!  Joke on direktor.  He aktually a REAL ZOANOID dat just LOOK like aktor in shitty monster costume!

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De only ting phonier den dat rubber monster suit be her akting.

Cornered in a warehouse, Sean transform into…De Guyver!  More slapping, punching and kicking.  But Guyver get beaten and unplugged.  He end up deflating faster den Grover’s blow up doll at a Jamaican Sandals resort.

But all not lost!  In a twist you never see coming – because it not make any sense at all – Sean come back to life after scientist’s daughter recover Unit’s control crystal.  How she do dis?  Oh, after being brought back to bad guy’s lab and shown de control crystal, she pick up some handy piece of equipment and send gutless scientists running for cover “Look out!  She might hit us wit dat stapler!”), allowing her time to just help herself.

Sean and De Guyver are back!  And better den ever….uh…back about as good as before.  More punching, kicking, and slapping.  Agent Skywalker mutate into giant cockroach and, in one of movie’s most heartfelt moments, die. his little cockroach head going limp in Guyver’s arms. Dis make Guyver VERY mad and, after defeating various Zoanoids, be beat up and blow up Zoalord.  De end.

But wait!  All bad guys not dead yet.  J.J. from de old Good Times t.v. show and some other guy survived.  Guy tells J.J. he needs him to do someting for him.  And J.J. reply: “Dynomite!”, really nailing what passed for a very funny in-joke…in 1991.

Verdikt: Lots to hate here and it impossible to cover everyting.  Me need second review to cover atrocious music and transitions alone!

Rating: 2 rubber chocolate chippee cookies.

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TA posterDis movie about as subtle as Grover at a stripper convention.  It take a potentially funny premise, den beat it into de ground wit de most obvious and heavy-handed execution possible.  It as if makers of dis film assume audience be so stoopid dey need to make absolutely certain dere be no doubt dis supposed to be a parody.  Norbit be a nuanced masterpiece in comparison.

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Neeeeerd!

Movie open wit PSA on dangers of toxic waste dumping.  We cut to Tromaville, toxic waste dumping capital of de U.S., where a nerd janitor, Melvin work at a health club.  “Nerd” actually be too kind.  He be a borderline brain dead Urkle.

Melvin get picked on by bunch of health club members who humiliate him, den chase him thru a window.  Melvin end up landing in vat of toxic waste, get horribly disfigured and run home.

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Dis be monster’s reaction when he realize dere still half hour left in dis movie.  Noooooo!

Once home, he transform – from idiot nerd to big brawny mutant. From dis point, movie just a collection of extended fight sekwences where new-look Melvin beat on thugs, most of who have basic knowledge of kung fu.  Along de way, Melvin reskue and fall in love wit a blind girl who move in wit him at toxic dump.  Me know, me know.  It sound sort of funny.  But trust monster.  It not.

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You know I’m bad, I’m bad, you know it!

Movie obviously made at a time when bar for comedy set super low. How low?  Well, “hilarious highlights” include: racism, gore, attempted rape, shooting of seeing eye dog, gun pointed at baby, and innocent young boy getting head crushed by a car.

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Incognito lover’s stroll

Dey sure not make dem like dey used to.  And dat because dey used to make dem real crap.

Verdikt: It have all de makings of a movie so bad it be good, but dis turkey so bad it aktually BE bad.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.

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DS posterDr. Strange?  More like Dr. Creep!  Apparently, dis guy not familiar wit de Hypocritical Oath, but he all sorts of familiar wit “doctor-patient confidentiality”…if you know what me mean.  No?  Well, let monster put it dis way.  When he around de ladies at work, he like Cookie Monster at a bake sale.  Or Grover at a topless bake sale.

We introduced to Dr. Stephen Strange who be a psykiaktric resident at local hospital  – and major player.  And not necessarily in dat order.  Dis guy more unprofessional den Dr. Bunsen Honeydew at a Science World “History of Lube” exhibit.  He sexy talk wit head nurse and den kiss her – in middle of hallway in front of everyone – which lead monster to assume dey be in a relationship.  But when good-looking mental patient end up in his care, he not have any problem hooking up wit her either.  At one point, another female patient visit him complaining about painful ulcer.  He say to her: “I’ve got an extra bed and I can give you something to help you sleep.”  Sure you can, doc.  Sure you can.

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Today’s hospital special: Free Temperatures Taken!

Meanwhile, a sorceress who worships a demon puppet is given tree days (Why tree days?  Why not!) to kill an old wizard before he can pass down his power to worthy successor – or, barring worthy successor, creepy doctor who happen to own a weird ring.

Old guy, it turn out, live in downtown brownstone dat renovated to resemble Fred Flintstone’s digs.  He be shacked up wit younger man, Wu, who look after his needs and refer to him as master.  Er.  Yeah.  Old man show him drawing of sorceress and tell him to remember her face.  Really?  How de hell he supposed to do dat?  It be like police putting out APB on actor who played Archie Andrews in de live action movie and distributing comic book for identification purposes.

It turn out old man be on to sorceress and head out to confront her.  She pull de old bait and switch, showing up, den disappearing, den mind controlling innocent woman into pushing him off bridge down to street below.

Old guy get up and limp away.  “Hey, buddy!”somebody call.  “You sure you’re alright?”  Of course he alright!  He only plummeted 20 feet onto concrete and get hit by a car.  You’ll have to do better den dat if you want to kill a wizard!

Cue weird synth music!  Cue inexorable extended guitar solo!  Cue trippy dream sekwence!  Cue astral travel!

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Hey!  Who took away my keyboard?!

Dr. Strange “treat” young woman mind-controlled by sorceress.  He shake hands wit old wizard and get power – also, possible cold.

But sorceress gain entrance to old guy’s bedrock pad and string him up on astral plane where he lose his powers and resemble Alice Cooper’s dad.  Dr. Strange follow and battle sorceress who, it turn out, really just looking for someone to love and have a baby wit.

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Dazzling visual effekts!

Overwhelmed by Dr. Strange’s manly moustache, she try to hook up wit him – but he rejekt her and den blast her wit energy bolt just in case she not get de message.

De End.

Except movie goes on for another half an hour.  Strange goes thru lame ritual.  He become official apprentice sorcerer.  He screw with street performer.  Puppet demon punish sorceress by making her really old.  And, mysteriously, a couple of scenes later, she back to her old self, on Earth, and now a self-help guru.

Now really De End.

Verdikt:  Cheesy and lame but unintentionally hilarious and mercifully short.

Rating: 3 chocolate chippee cookies.

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GQ posterDis movie remind Monster of time me, Big Bird, and Grover attend furry convention (Why not?  We furry…AND fuzzy!) figuring it be great opportunity to network wit other muppets.  But, sadly, no aktual muppets in attendance – just bunch of frisky imposters.  At one point, horny wookie chase monster into utility closet and me have to crawl thru vent to eskape.   Me lose guest badge and pants and not able to get back in, so miss parade, furry rave, and motivational speech by H.R. Pufnstuf.  Big Bird get into fistfight wit Magilla Gorilla impersonator and spend night in jail.  Grover bang Candy Kong.  Anyhoo…

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Requirements for casting lead: Great hair?  Check!  Great chin?  Check?  Great actor?  Well…two out of three not bad.

Galaxy Quest either a love letter, or scathing editorial, of SF t.v. fandom.  Which way you interpret film will dictate your response.  Monster not a huge scifi fan.  When me see police box, me not automatically tink time travel device but good place for stacking policemen or emergency porta-potty.  And while me not know able to tell difference between a Minosian and a Mintakan, me familiar enough wit likes of Dr. Spock, Bubba Fat, and Lando Kardassian to get humor of de movie and NOT be offended.

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Space babe!

Movie begin at fan convention for much-loved SF series, Galaxy Quest dat similar to t.v. version of Phantom Menace, though not as cheesy.  All former cast present for panel and autograph session including douchebag former lead.  But science fiction becomes science fact when former t.v. Commander get enlisted to help group of aliens resist machinations of evil lizard beings.   And before you can say “Grabthar’s Hammer”, he be joined by rest of his reluctant co-stars in an epic space-faring adventure.

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Give him a hand.  He’s British!

De movie poke fun at scifi t.v. tropes as our fish-out-of-water heroes assume de personas of deir fiktional counterparts, referencing an old t.v. show dat deir alien allies believe to be aktual “historical records”.  It all lead to aktion, adventure, a surprising amount of pathos (Yes, he be one of the Tree Musketeers!), and lots of laughs.

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Alien nerds!

It culminate in a thrilling albeit incredibly stoopid climax involving highly convenient time travel.  Boo!

Still a very good, very funny movie dat give Monster newfound respekt for you pasty-faced geeks.

Verdikt: Me want to rate it even higher, but dat time travel twist at end be a disappointing cop-out.

Rating: 8.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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DM2 posterOriginal Despicable Me a fine movie.  Fine like 7-11 wine, Dane Cook, or de Minnesota Vikings in dat none be particularly memorable but all deliver in perfektly adequate fashion.  So, when sekwel, Despicable Me 2, released, monster torn.  On de one hand, me not really tink first movie dat remarkable, find going to movies too expensive, and whenever go monster’s ass fur always get matted on account of popcorn butter and gum left on seat.  On de other hand, monster’s girlfriend, Rowena, inform him he going.  So, me went.

And be pleasantly surprized.  It be like going to a Dane Cook concert and having Louis C.K. show up instead!

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Family time

Movie pick up where last one left off.  Gru now a lovable fulltime dad to tree young daughters – and about a hundred little yellow minions.  It a much harder job den being a supervillain.  But it not all sunshine and birthday parties at Casa Gru because evil afoot…

Where?  Well, dat what he have to find out wit help of undercover AVL (Anti-Villain League) agent Lucy Wilde.  SOMEbody poised to use mutagen PX-41 (side effekts include some monsterism)!   SOMEbody also kidnapping minions who be disappearing faster den audience members at a Dane Cook movie!  SOMEbody also hire away his best evil scientist, Dr. Nefario, wit promise of more villainous masterplan and dental coverage!  But who it be?!!

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Love is in de air.  And cupcakes!

To find out, Gru go undercover at a shopping mall where he immediately suspekt Mexican restaurant owner, Eduardo, of being diabolically dead supervillain EL MACHO!

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El Macho?  Dat you?

But tings go from bad to worse for Gru: 1. Nobody believe him.  2. Somebody else arrested and case closed.  3. One of his daughters be dating Eduardo’s son!  And de frosting on de cupcake: 4. Lucy being transferred to Australia!  Dis really bum Gru out because he aktually starting to develop feelings for her.  What a former supervillain to do?

Why, crash Eduardo’s Cinco de Mayo party and diskover his secret lair and proof dat he really be EL MACHO of course!  Unfortunately, proof consist of monstered-up purple former minions who babble and make about as much sense as…oh…Dane Cook’s career.

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Side effekts incude monsterism.  And halitosis.

Lucy get kidnapped and it’s Gru to de reskue!  Wit help of a couple of minions and Dr. Nefario who have reconsidered his career opportunities.  

Action!  Suspense!  Laughs!  Disaster averted!  Gru and Lucy marry! And minions sing us out!

Little scene-stealers

Little scene-stealers

Verdikt: A better skript den first movie focus more on fun, family, and minions.  Also, no Dane Cook!

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies

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