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Posts Tagged ‘Cookie Monster movie reviews’

IM poster

Dis would have been a great movie if it had been half an hour shorter. And made a lick of sense.  Monster can imagine script notes session went someting like dis:

Producer: Dis skript full of plot holes and not make much sense.

Writer: Dats okay.  Me fix it.

Producer: By applying logic so it easier to understand?

Writer: No.  By making it so complicated dat audience simply assume dey too stoopid to understand.

Well, me have news for makers of Iron Man 3.  Monster not stoopid. Me have GED from Pyongyang Institute of Higher Learning and Dance!

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Alternate nicknames included Satsuma, Valencia, and Clementine.

Movie begin wit Tony Stark seeing a therapist because he suffering panic attacks after Avengers movie.  How dese panic attacks figure into plot and pay off at end of movie.  Spoiler alert: Dey don’t!

Meanwhile, U.S. government rocked by string of bombings orchestrated by villain called de Mandarin!  Why he called de Manadarin?  Well, in original comic books, he called de Mandarin because he be of Chinese descent and adopt title of Chinese bureaucrats of Imperial China.  In de movie – well, he not Chinese but Middle-Eastern so he called de Mandarin because…mebbe he named after de orange?  It was either dat or Tangerine?

When Tony’s bodyguard get injured in an explosion dat, in retrospekt, not make any sense at all (we’ll get to dat), Tony vow revenge and dare Mandarin to come after him.  So bad guy respond by blowing up Tony’s cool mountain-side home.

Oh, Timmy!  You little scamp!

Oh, Timmy! You little scamp!

At dis point, fairly more-or-less straightforward movie take a hairpin turn when Tony end up in Tennessee to investigate similar bombing there.  He befriend lovable little rascal of a kid who all sorts of quippy and cute and no doubt shoe-horned into story to appeal to young audience.  Dudes, it’s a movie based on a comic book character!

While Tony enlist brilliant kid’s help to recharge his armor, he investigate apparent suicide bombing by local soldier and pay visit to his mom at local bar. COINCIDENTALLY, she happen to be waiting for someone to give dem a top sekret file on her son.  A top sekret file dat, for some reason, also contain information on other soldier blown up in similar explosion.

Why mother have dis information on other soldier?  Why bad guys need to get deir hands on dis file?  Why dey just not go over to her place and take it instead of arranging meeting in a public place?  How Tony be so lucky as to just happen to walk into bar and approach soldier’s mother on exact night she be planning to meet bad guys and hand over file?  How possible – LOOK!  EXPLOSIONS!  COOL!

Tony fight bad guys who turn out to be super soldiers wit super-strength, agility, and healing powers.  And, for no apparent reason later on, super fire breath.  He defeat dem, but barely.

In one of movie’s many ridikulous moments, Tony learns all about super soldiers by hacking into super seckret database containing convenient video recordings of experiments on soldiers wit someting called Extremis.  Sometime it work, making dem superhuman.  Other times it not work, making dem blow up. BUT….

We see one soldier blow up because his body unable to accept Extremis.  Dis be explanation for explosion.  But den how to explain explosion of soldier in Tennessee? If his body rejekted Extremis, he would have blown up in lab, not in public?  And what about soldier who exploded, injuring Tony’s bodyguard?  Why he blow up?  If it delayed reaction to Extremis, what all dat nonsense about him getting a briefcase from bad guy?

Tony track bad guy to Miami and get drop on Mandarin who…turn out to be aktor hired to play part of a wanted terrorist.  Very funny – except for fakt dat, even though he be seemingly goofy and unwitting accomplice who assumed deaths were fake, he couldn’t be stoopid enough NOT to be aware of news reports on terrorist acts in his name. Also, he SHOT a guy on video!

Dis little twist bring up another point.  In comic book, Mandarin be one of Iron Man’s greatest villains – but he played for a joke here.  So dis pretty much rule out any appearance of real villainous Mandarin in future Iron Man movies…unless he be some supervillain who just decide to name himself after a laughingstock rube.

Tony captured.  But get his armor back.  But Pepper kidnapped.  And President!  And Air Force One blow up but Iron Man manage to save flight crew in one of movie’s more inspired sekwences.

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Boy!  Dem some spicy nuts!

It all culminate in big extended impressive but over-long climactic battle pitting Tony and his buddy, Rhodey, against bad guy and super soldiers.  Pepper, who now a super soldier because she be injected wit Extremis, help save de day.  And Tony celebrate by blowing up all his extra Iron Man suits, assuming he won’t need dem because bad guys all dead even though he thought he had killed dem before and dey turned up very much alive later.  Also, FYI,  some of dem not really injured and just fell into ocean so chances are – LOOK!  EXPLOSIONS! SO COOL!

Wait a minute.  Pepper now a super soldier?  No, because Tony be a genius.  He fix her.  Uh, if Tony be such a genius, why he not fix himself?  Okay, because Tony be a genius, he also fix himself and remove shrapnel from his heart.  Happy now?  Uh, if Tony such a genius, why he not remove shrapnel from heart two movies sooner?

Wait another minute! What was bad guy’s plan?  To get Vice President in office?  But if dat de case, why not just assassinate President instead of going through big show of kidnapping him, stringing him up, etc? What was point of de Mandarin?  More me tink about it, more me hate dis movie.

VERDIKT: Great movie for people who love explosions – and not much else.

RATING: 4 chocolate chippee cookies.

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Boy, dere be nothing worse den doing someting really embarrassing like slipping on a banana peel and falling down a flight of stairs or making a really shitty movie.  Fortunately, dere be convenient way to cover such faux-pas.  Just adopt ye old “Me meant to do dat!” excuse. Ie -

Rosita burn down Mr. Hooper’s store during Cinque de Mayo celebrations = “Me meant to do dat!”

Bert and Ernie misplace Elmo during White Party in Miami = “Me meant to do dat!”

Grover pass out at strip club and wake up wit shaved ass = “Me meant to do dat!”

So Monster have sneaking suspicion dat, at some point during produktion of dis movie, producers realize Black Scorpion going to be a massive turd.  Instead of pulling plug, dey make tweaks to movie to make it seem intentionally cheesy.  Unfortunately, it such a slap-dash patchy job dat movie end up feeling like a schizophrenic Frankenstein monster who REALLY like to show her boobies.  A lot.

Movie begin wit cop father telling young daughter, Darcy, terrible age-inappropriate bedtime story about lying killer scorpion.  Monster suppose it could have been worse.  He could have told her de one about hooker and pirate wit peg leg.

After telling story, father go out and gun down some bad guys.  And an innocent ER doctor.

Years later, Darcy grow up to be a cop.  She be pretty good – until her father gunned down and she get kicked of police force for threatening killer wit gun.  It lead to dis fantastik exchange:

Police Chief: You’re suspended.

Darcy: It’s because I’m a woman.

Police Chief: It’s because you pulled a gun on a suspect.

Darcy: But he killed my father!

Oh.  Okay.

So what a girl to do?

Well, if you’re DIS girl, you dress up in totally inappropriate unwieldly outfit, don mask, call yourself Black Scorpion and go out and fight crime.  She beat up bad guys.  She use her energy boots to jump really high.  Wait.  Energy boots?  How she get energy boots?

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Dey call him Argyle because…er…search monster.

Eventually, our heroine confide her true identity to someone.  Her supportive detective partner she in love wit?  Of course not.  How about some goofy criminal.  Better!  But why she confide in him? Because she need him to turn her car into a poor woman’s batmobile.

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Percival J. Smogley III

Meanwhile, not-so-super villain who look like reject from de old Mighty Morphin Power Rangers t.v. series enact plan to bas entire city.  He warn everybody and tell dem to pick up gas masks at Bureau of Research and Engineering and Atmospheric Technology for Health. Yep, for some reason, BREATH corner de market on gas masks.  And no one de least bit suspicious.  Villain survey de street-level panic on his wall of twenty-four t.v. screens.  But because he too cheap pay for cable, all twenty-four monitors show de same channel.

Big anti-climactic climax take place at….BREATH headquarters! Surprised?  Me not want to spoil big reveal dat ER doctor shot by Black Scorpion’s father secret identity of villain so please do not read dis sentence.

Movie end wit partner telling fellow cops dat Darcy save de day!  And dey all laugh because, of course, Darcy a girl.

VERDIKT: Gratuitous nudity greatly appreciated, but not enough.

RATING: 3  chocolate chippee cookies.

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Crow posterFull disklosure: Monster not a fan of mimes.  It be a phobia me have (like heights, tight places, and Celine Dion) dat go all de way back to monster’s childhood.  Me often try to figure out why dis be, and always come up wit tree possible reasons: 1. Mimes be second-cousins of clowns who, everyone can agree, be creepy mofo’s.  2. Mimes never speak clearly mean dey have someting to hide.  3. When monster just a kid, me get punched in eye by drunken mime.  For dese reasons, me tink me not like mimes.  Also because, for many years, street mime dat perform outside monster’s apartment building always doing invisible wall gag.  It not so bad except dis particular invisible wall be bathroom stall.

Anyhoo, all dis to say: me not like mimes.  So when presented wit dis movie about an undead mime (!), monster about as enthusiastic as Grover at a waxing bar.

But dis movie surprise monster.  In a good way.  Not like sucker punch in de eye.

Let's do the time warp agaaaaiiiiin!

Let’s do the time warp agaaaaiiiiin!

The Crow be a classic revenge tale.  Boy meets Girl.  Boy loses girl – and life.  Boy comes back from de grave and kill a bunch of bad guys.

After he and his girlfriend get killed by bunch of thugs, Eric Draven take it very personal.  He crawl out of his grave, don pancake make-up, and become…Super Mime.  No, scratch dat.  He become…De Crow!  But, er, why he wear pancake make-up?  He not exaktly trying to hide his identity.  He tell everyone who he really be: cops, a kid, de bad guys he about to kill.  It not as if police can go arrest him at his new cemetery loft.

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He be good at killing AND art.

Drawing inspiration – and power – from a crow, Eric, aka De Crow, start exacting revenge on thugs responsible for ruining his life.  One by one, he pick dem off, skewering one wit multiple knives, pincushioning another wit needles, taping another into his car before sending it speeding off a dock AND blowing it up, culminating in big shoot-out and Gothic rooftop swordfight in dead of night and driving rain!  It all presented as pretty straightforward revenge fare, but it very satisfying because all de elements work.  Solid direktion, a good skript dat only occasionally cheesy, and some very good performances.

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He like it spicy!

Movie work so well because it, at it’s heart, be a story about love and loss.  De Crow not be your typical vigilante but a tragik figure.  Dis conveyed in his backstory, his love for his girlfriend, in brilliantly broody performance by Brandon Lee, and in his relationships wit two secondary characters: a by-de-book cop and a street kid wit a chip on her shoulder.  On de surface, de latter seem as cliched as de movie’s plot but, like de plot, it transcend formula and stereotypes to deliver a film wit surprising heart and depth.

Verdikt: Puts almost every other bloated, big budget superhero movie to shame.

Rating: 8.5 chocolate chippee cookies!

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Guyver - posterMovie begin wit an opening scroll, just like Star Wars.  Unlike Star Wars, however, opening scroll accompanied by voice-over because Guyver fans either illiterate or too damn lazy to read.  As far as info dumps go, dis be as big a dump as a movie can take.  We learn dat dere be creatures living among us called Zoanoids.  And dey led by a Zoalord.  And dey work thru a company called Chronos Corporation. And Chronos Corporation working on a mysterious someting called De Unit.  And a scientist working on De Unit steal it.  And he be on de run from Chronos Corporation and its various Zoanoid subsidiaries.  Phew. Okay.  We up to date.  Now we can start aktual movie!

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Quit smoking wit de cigarette-helmet!

We open on scientist on de run.  Idiots chasing him spot him from top of bridge and yell “There he is!”, alerting him. Dis give him time to hide De Unit.  When bad guys show up, he mutate into…hokey Halloween costume.  Bad guy responds by mutating into…another hokey Halloween costume.  Two “fearsome” creatures face off.  But fangs and claws just for show.  Instead of biting and clawing like most self-respecting monsters, it’s Marquis of Queensbury rules as de creatures exchange punches and occasional kicks to each other’s rubber gonads.  Bad guys win but De Unit nowhere to be found.

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Trick or treat!  Oh, trick?  How about de fakt you paid to see dis movie?

CIA agent Luke Skywalker pay visit to scientist’s daughter, a woman who run a judo skool.  He tell her he was about to meet her father when he witnessed him being murdered.  Oh, sure, me suppose he could have hurried over to help or maybe even yelled at de bad guys while dey be killing her dad, but dere be no point in crying over spilt milk.  Or dad blood.  Luke all full of qwestions for her but she not have any answers.  Hell, she barely able to string two sentences together.

Unbeknownst to her, she being stalked by creepy judo student, Sean – but dats okay because Sean be our hero.  One night, he be wandering thru a dark alley, minding his own business, when he get surrounded by what passed for a scary street gang in 1991.  Dey beat him up but Sean end up fusing wit De Unit which he, coincidentally, found and helped himself to while watching a police forensic team search for it.   Sean transform into De Guyver and proceed to beat up and kill gang members while dispensing what passed for wry witticisms in 1991.  In keeping wit crap aktion movie tradition, scene culminate in someone ending up head first in a trash can.

Meanwhile, Agent Skywalker try to console grieving daughter.  He talk about her dad.  She cry.  He console her – and try to move in for a kiss.  Seriously.  Dude.  Her dad just died!  Fortunately, dey be interrupted by friend who drop by.  Agent Skywalker tell dem he will go out and pick up someting to eat – because, presumably, he never heard of delivery – and leave.  While he gone, scientist’s daughter get kidnapped by bad guys.

BUT before bad guys can get away, Sean arrive on de scene.  He reskue scientist’s daughter and dey run away.  Bad guys turn into rubber monsters and run after dem, seguing into agonizingly long chase sekwence.  At one point, Zoanoid end up on movie set and get instruktion from direktor who believe he be aktor in shitty monster costume.  Ha ha!  Joke on direktor.  He aktually a REAL ZOANOID dat just LOOK like aktor in shitty monster costume!

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De only ting phonier den dat rubber monster suit be her akting.

Cornered in a warehouse, Sean transform into…De Guyver!  More slapping, punching and kicking.  But Guyver get beaten and unplugged.  He end up deflating faster den Grover’s blow up doll at a Jamaican Sandals resort.

But all not lost!  In a twist you never see coming – because it not make any sense at all – Sean come back to life after scientist’s daughter recover Unit’s control crystal.  How she do dis?  Oh, after being brought back to bad guy’s lab and shown de control crystal, she pick up some handy piece of equipment and send gutless scientists running for cover “Look out!  She might hit us wit dat stapler!”), allowing her time to just help herself.

Sean and De Guyver are back!  And better den ever….uh…back about as good as before.  More punching, kicking, and slapping.  Agent Skywalker mutate into giant cockroach and, in one of movie’s most heartfelt moments, die. his little cockroach head going limp in Guyver’s arms. Dis make Guyver VERY mad and, after defeating various Zoanoids, be beat up and blow up Zoalord.  De end.

But wait!  All bad guys not dead yet.  J.J. from de old Good Times t.v. show and some other guy survived.  Guy tells J.J. he needs him to do someting for him.  And J.J. reply: “Dynomite!”, really nailing what passed for a very funny in-joke…in 1991.

Verdikt: Lots to hate here and it impossible to cover everyting.  Me need second review to cover atrocious music and transitions alone!

Rating: 2 rubber chocolate chippee cookies.

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TA posterDis movie about as subtle as Grover at a stripper convention.  It take a potentially funny premise, den beat it into de ground wit de most obvious and heavy-handed execution possible.  It as if makers of dis film assume audience be so stoopid dey need to make absolutely certain dere be no doubt dis supposed to be a parody.  Norbit be a nuanced masterpiece in comparison.

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Neeeeerd!

Movie open wit PSA on dangers of toxic waste dumping.  We cut to Tromaville, toxic waste dumping capital of de U.S., where a nerd janitor, Melvin work at a health club.  “Nerd” actually be too kind.  He be a borderline brain dead Urkle.

Melvin get picked on by bunch of health club members who humiliate him, den chase him thru a window.  Melvin end up landing in vat of toxic waste, get horribly disfigured and run home.

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Dis be monster’s reaction when he realize dere still half hour left in dis movie.  Noooooo!

Once home, he transform – from idiot nerd to big brawny mutant. From dis point, movie just a collection of extended fight sekwences where new-look Melvin beat on thugs, most of who have basic knowledge of kung fu.  Along de way, Melvin reskue and fall in love wit a blind girl who move in wit him at toxic dump.  Me know, me know.  It sound sort of funny.  But trust monster.  It not.

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You know I’m bad, I’m bad, you know it!

Movie obviously made at a time when bar for comedy set super low. How low?  Well, “hilarious highlights” include: racism, gore, attempted rape, shooting of seeing eye dog, gun pointed at baby, and innocent young boy getting head crushed by a car.

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Incognito lover’s stroll

Dey sure not make dem like dey used to.  And dat because dey used to make dem real crap.

Verdikt: It have all de makings of a movie so bad it be good, but dis turkey so bad it aktually BE bad.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.

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DS posterDr. Strange?  More like Dr. Creep!  Apparently, dis guy not familiar wit de Hypocritical Oath, but he all sorts of familiar wit “doctor-patient confidentiality”…if you know what me mean.  No?  Well, let monster put it dis way.  When he around de ladies at work, he like Cookie Monster at a bake sale.  Or Grover at a topless bake sale.

We introduced to Dr. Stephen Strange who be a psykiaktric resident at local hospital  - and major player.  And not necessarily in dat order.  Dis guy more unprofessional den Dr. Bunsen Honeydew at a Science World “History of Lube” exhibit.  He sexy talk wit head nurse and den kiss her – in middle of hallway in front of everyone – which lead monster to assume dey be in a relationship.  But when good-looking mental patient end up in his care, he not have any problem hooking up wit her either.  At one point, another female patient visit him complaining about painful ulcer.  He say to her: “I’ve got an extra bed and I can give you something to help you sleep.”  Sure you can, doc.  Sure you can.

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Today’s hospital special: Free Temperatures Taken!

Meanwhile, a sorceress who worships a demon puppet is given tree days (Why tree days?  Why not!) to kill an old wizard before he can pass down his power to worthy successor – or, barring worthy successor, creepy doctor who happen to own a weird ring.

Old guy, it turn out, live in downtown brownstone dat renovated to resemble Fred Flintstone’s digs.  He be shacked up wit younger man, Wu, who look after his needs and refer to him as master.  Er.  Yeah.  Old man show him drawing of sorceress and tell him to remember her face.  Really?  How de hell he supposed to do dat?  It be like police putting out APB on actor who played Archie Andrews in de live action movie and distributing comic book for identification purposes.

It turn out old man be on to sorceress and head out to confront her.  She pull de old bait and switch, showing up, den disappearing, den mind controlling innocent woman into pushing him off bridge down to street below.

Old guy get up and limp away.  “Hey, buddy!”somebody call.  “You sure you’re alright?”  Of course he alright!  He only plummeted 20 feet onto concrete and get hit by a car.  You’ll have to do better den dat if you want to kill a wizard!

Cue weird synth music!  Cue inexorable extended guitar solo!  Cue trippy dream sekwence!  Cue astral travel!

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Hey!  Who took away my keyboard?!

Dr. Strange “treat” young woman mind-controlled by sorceress.  He shake hands wit old wizard and get power – also, possible cold.

But sorceress gain entrance to old guy’s bedrock pad and string him up on astral plane where he lose his powers and resemble Alice Cooper’s dad.  Dr. Strange follow and battle sorceress who, it turn out, really just looking for someone to love and have a baby wit.

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Dazzling visual effekts!

Overwhelmed by Dr. Strange’s manly moustache, she try to hook up wit him – but he rejekt her and den blast her wit energy bolt just in case she not get de message.

De End.

Except movie goes on for another half an hour.  Strange goes thru lame ritual.  He become official apprentice sorcerer.  He screw with street performer.  Puppet demon punish sorceress by making her really old.  And, mysteriously, a couple of scenes later, she back to her old self, on Earth, and now a self-help guru.

Now really De End.

Verdikt:  Cheesy and lame but unintentionally hilarious and mercifully short.

Rating: 3 chocolate chippee cookies.

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DM2 posterOriginal Despicable Me a fine movie.  Fine like 7-11 wine, Dane Cook, or de Minnesota Vikings in dat none be particularly memorable but all deliver in perfektly adequate fashion.  So, when sekwel, Despicable Me 2, released, monster torn.  On de one hand, me not really tink first movie dat remarkable, find going to movies too expensive, and whenever go monster’s ass fur always get matted on account of popcorn butter and gum left on seat.  On de other hand, monster’s girlfriend, Rowena, inform him he going.  So, me went.

And be pleasantly surprized.  It be like going to a Dane Cook concert and having Louis C.K. show up instead!

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Family time

Movie pick up where last one left off.  Gru now a lovable fulltime dad to tree young daughters – and about a hundred little yellow minions.  It a much harder job den being a supervillain.  But it not all sunshine and birthday parties at Casa Gru because evil afoot…

Where?  Well, dat what he have to find out wit help of undercover AVL (Anti-Villain League) agent Lucy Wilde.  SOMEbody poised to use mutagen PX-41 (side effekts include some monsterism)!   SOMEbody also kidnapping minions who be disappearing faster den audience members at a Dane Cook movie!  SOMEbody also hire away his best evil scientist, Dr. Nefario, wit promise of more villainous masterplan and dental coverage!  But who it be?!!

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Love is in de air.  And cupcakes!

To find out, Gru go undercover at a shopping mall where he immediately suspekt Mexican restaurant owner, Eduardo, of being diabolically dead supervillain EL MACHO!

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El Macho?  Dat you?

But tings go from bad to worse for Gru: 1. Nobody believe him.  2. Somebody else arrested and case closed.  3. One of his daughters be dating Eduardo’s son!  And de frosting on de cupcake: 4. Lucy being transferred to Australia!  Dis really bum Gru out because he aktually starting to develop feelings for her.  What a former supervillain to do?

Why, crash Eduardo’s Cinco de Mayo party and diskover his secret lair and proof dat he really be EL MACHO of course!  Unfortunately, proof consist of monstered-up purple former minions who babble and make about as much sense as…oh…Dane Cook’s career.

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Side effekts incude monsterism.  And halitosis.

Lucy get kidnapped and it’s Gru to de reskue!  Wit help of a couple of minions and Dr. Nefario who have reconsidered his career opportunities.  

Action!  Suspense!  Laughs!  Disaster averted!  Gru and Lucy marry! And minions sing us out!

Little scene-stealers

Little scene-stealers

Verdikt: A better skript den first movie focus more on fun, family, and minions.  Also, no Dane Cook!

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies

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Stargate posterMonster not familiar wit Stargate series starring MacGyver and RuPaul so left somewhat confused by dis film dat be reminiscent of de old Crosby and Hope road movies – but wit more killing and androgyny.

Movie open in distant past where revival of de musical Hair get awaken while sleeping on a giant soundstage.  Wind blow, lights flash and one guy get up and start walking toward de source of de fooferah…

Upsy daisy!

Upsy daisy!

Suddenly, we in 1928 Egypt.  At site of big dig, archeologist’s daughter help herself (aka “steal”) a locket while her dad oversee discovery of a giant ring.  Let’s call it a stargate for now.

Suddenly, we in present day where archeologist’s daughter has blossomed into an old lady.  Monster know it be de archeologist’s daughter because she still wearing de pendant she borrowed (aka “stole”) from de dig site.  She peek in on speech given by kooky archeologist Dr. Daniel Jackson.  Speech not go over well and before you know it, room clear out faster den karaoke night when it Grover’s turn to sing.

Dr. Jackson offered a job translating ancient scribble-scrabble discovered at dat 1928 dig site.  He get to work at top secret Air Force base and, in no time, realizes scribble scrabble not language but constellations!  It aktually be an address.  But to where?!

Well, it turn out government have a stargate (dat giant ring dey find in de desert) and it a gateway to de other end of de known universe.  All dey have to do is input symbols and it spin like a rotary phone.  Daniel identify a symbol dat everyone assume be de final piece of de dialing sekwence.  Dey start dialing.  When dey get to six, Daniel told “Dis be as far as we have gotten.”  Really?  Why?  Dere be a limited number of symbols on dat gate. If you already got to six, what stop dem from running thru all remaining symbols?  Ah, mebbe t.v. series answer dis qwestion.

Scientists succeed in getting lock and creating shimmering grey puddle in gate dat resemble monster’s backyard pool after Snufflelupagus go for a dip.  Amazing!  What could like on de other side?  New worlds? New civilizations?  Breathable air?

Well, only one way to find out.  Send someone thru.  Or, not better yet, send a bunch of people thru!  Inkluding Dr. Jackson who, like most meek nerds, be fighting off sneezy allergy.  Allergy to what?  Air Force uniforms?

Leading de expedition to de other side be Colonel Jack O’Neill, a suicidal soldier who broken up over loss of his son.  How monster know dis?  Because in scene where he be introduced, he sitting in room, surrounded by pictures of his son, considering while he weigh his gun in his hand.  But how monster know for sure?  Because Air Force guys who visit him have conversation in deir car dat go someting like: “What de matter wit him?” “Oh, he all upset becuz his son be dead.”  Subtle, no?

Whoa.  Monster need a cool-down joint.

Whoa. Monster need a cool-down joint.

Jackson and soldiers step thru and go on crazy twist turny ride dat remind monster of last time he drop acid wit De Count.  Dey arrive on other side desert planet where dey meet natives mining minerals.  But for who?

Unfortunately, team not able to gate back.  Jackson diskover address back to Earth but last symbol missing.  And it impossible to dial witout final symbol.  Unless, of course, you try every limited symbol on de stargate – but who have time for dat?

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De Original Odd Couple – if de stargate was aktually a time machine and dey went back to pre-1965 before Neil Simon wrote De Odd Couple.

Alien pyramid ship land under cover of sandstorm and capture Jackson and co.  Alien leader, who have taken over body of curious native we saw in opening scene, assume identity of sun god Ra.  He force natives to worship him.  And plan to get dem even more onside by forcing Dr. Jackson to kill O’Neill and de soldiers in front of big crowd.  How, exaktly, dis terruble plan will help Ra in any way be never explained. Mebbe t.v. seris answer dis qwestion.

Ra and Friends.  New on Cartoon Network!

Ra and Friends. New on Cartoon Network!

If nothing else, Ra’s bad judgement allow Jackson to turn tables on him and eskape wit soldiers and den, wit help of natives, mount attack on pyramid ship.

Jackson’s girlfriend get killed but, luckily, Ra have a revita-coffin on his ship dat make dead people alive again.  Why?  Becuz it cool?  Mebbe. Daniel transport him and gal up to ship using weird ring technology while O’Neill fight one of Ra’s bodyguards down below.

Meanwhile, bomb dat O’Neill brought wit him be turned into SUPERbomb by Ra who intend to send it thru de stargate back to Earth.  It countdown as -

On ship, Daniel bring his gal back to life, but get caught by Ra who proceed to torture him wit glowey hand device.

O’Neill kill Ra’s guard by knocking him onto platform and initiating ring technology dat decapitate him and send his head back up to ship -

COINCIDENTALLY saving Daniel and his gal who just HAPPEN to be lying on the ring platform up on de ship.

But it too late to turn off bomb.  And ship start taking off.  What to do?  What to do?!

Suddenly, O’Neill and Jackson arrive at idea.  Presumably dey heard audience screaming obvious solution to dem from five minutes earlier. Dey transport bomb up to Ra’s ship.  It explode!

Celebration!  Jackson get de girl!  O’Neill not feeling so suicidal! Showtime green light t.v. series!

Verdikt: Interesting premise.  Yep, dat premise pretty interesting.

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

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5 posterIf watching Abar: The First Black Superman like being on two week vodka bender, den watching The Fifth Element definitely involve some heavy drugs.  You need dem in order to fully appreciate dis film – preferably acid which monster suspekt be obvious preference of filmmakers.

Dis movie a wildly mixed bag of nuts.  On de one hand, it have everyting a science fiction fan could want: aliens, bad aliens, worse aliens, a colorful villain, huge stakes involving threat to Earth – de galaxy! – de UNIVERSE!, cool futuristic weapons, action!  On de other hand, it have plenty of stuff any self-respekting science fiction fan NOT want: nonsensical plot and developments, lame insta-love romance, humor dat skirt de line between silly funny and stoopid-stoopid, and a future where everyone dress like Parisian runway accident victims.

x

Aliens!

c

Bad aliens!

x

Worse alien!

Movie begin in Egypt in 1914 where archeologist diskover legend of ancient evil dat rise up every 300 years only to be vanquished by light weapon created by four elements conducted through fifth element which aktually be a human in a sarcophagus.  Make sense so far? Good, good.  Dat mean you already high.

Aliens arrive and open up sekret chamber in pyramid holding four elements and sarcophagus and take dem away for safekeeping.  After all, dey not want to leave dese precious artifakts lying around Earth…like dey have been doing for hundreds of years!   After accident involving faulty automatic doors, human priest end up wit key to sekret chamber…

x

Smirky McSmirkerson.

Three hundred years later, Earth encounter evil black entity dat threaten to destroy de entire Universe!  Fortunately, de good aliens we saw earlier fly back to deliver artifakts capable of destroying it. Unfortunately, good aliens get attacked by evil muppet aliens.  Ship destroyed but Earth able to recover enough genetic material to recreate fully functional Fifth Element human conduit – along wit sexy band-aid dress.

Sexy conduit, a.k.a. Leelu, promptly eskape and catch ride wit washed up space cab driver played by Bruce Willis who always seem like an aktor who be doing you a favor by akting in de movie you happen to be watching.  Whether he be smirking, mugging, or looking direktly at camera, de subtext of his performance always de same: “Look at me. I’m Bruce Willis!  I aktually get paid for dis!  Can you believe it?!”  Me? Not really.

In a happy coincidence, Bruce Willis happen to be ex-military guy and get ordered to go to undercover as space-holiday winner to space cruise ship where other four elements hidden.  Bruce be joined by Leelu and priest (different priest becuz dat wouldn’t make sense and we got more den enough stuff not making sense in dis movie) wit key to sekret chamber.  But he pursued by…

x

Zorb?  Zord?  Zorg?

Colorful villain wit bad hair and worse accent (played by Gary Oldman) who will stop at nothing to stop dem from getting the four elements. Why?  Becuz he aktually working for…de evil entity.  Yep, he be working for an evil black space cloud bent on annihilating existence. What exaktly be de upside for villain?  What he get out of it?  Oh, he just crazy?  Er, okay.  And how he, a lowly human, communicate wit his god-like amorphous cosmic boss?  By phone?  Er, why, yes.  Evil space cloud just ring him up.  Oh, okay.  Dat make…about as much sense as rest of movie me guess.

It all culminate in ridikulous climax involving double-crossed and crossing alien shapeshifters, a blue opera-singing alien wit a very slow-akting digestive track, fighting, shooting, explosions, and de most annoying charakter in movie history played by Chris Tucker doing a much less masculine RuPaul imiation.

In de end, Bruce Willis save de day and get de girl while audience treated to clumsy “Horrible humanity saved by de power of love” lesson.  Yeah, we suck.  But we so damn cute!

Verdikt: Alternately fascinating and hugely embarrassing.  It like a clown car wreck.  Very hard to look away.

Rating: 5.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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Abar - posterMonster am drunk reviewing dis movie.  Why not?  After all, me felt positively sloshed watching it.  It full of weird cuts, funky music, bizarre performances, interminable montage sekwences of people driving around, and a plot more ridikulous den Sam de Eagle’s cruising toupee.

Movie begin wit nice family moving into new home.  But neighbors not happy.  Not happy AT ALL.  Why dey not happy?  Becuz dis family be different.  Different how? Well, for one, de husband and wife talk like dey be reading off cue cards.  Barely. Either dat or dey be sekret robots.

x

Dr. and Mrs. Robot

Soon, word gets out.  Breaking news report on radio inform shocked listeners: “A black family has moved into Meadow Park…”!

x

Neighbors are clearly prejudiced against non-union aktors.

Gang ride to de reskue and scare off angry neighbors wit deir LED light bedecked jackets.  Dey led by guy called Abar who suggest Doc move back to his old neighborhood.  But doc refuse.  Mayor’s office swing by and offer to buy him out.  Doc refuse.  Even Doc’s crazy uncle break into home in middle of de night wearing creepy mask (what a joker!) and suggest he pack it in.  Doc say no way.

x

Abar plays to captive audience.  And old timey wheelbarrow.

Doc’s son have weird (even for dis movie) dream about Old West shoot-out.  De next day, dis inspire him to try to outgun a car.  Car prove faster – and heavier.

Everybody sad.  Doc finally get around to _Oh, by the way! – informing Abar dat he created superhuman serum while working on a cure for heart disease (!).  Dis be very surprising – especially since we’re over one hour into ninety minute movie.  He offer it to Abar.  Why he not take it himself?  Well, uh, good qwestion.  See, Doc claim he have weak heart and, uh, look, do you want super powers or not?

Abar take it and develop powers like…well, Monster not sure.  He turn booze into milk, car into horse and buggy, spaghetti into worms, and drug addikts into high school graduates.  Instantly!  BUT we learn dat if he use his powers for selfish gain, he temporarily lose dem.  How he know dis and how dis figure into story?  Beats monster.  Mebbe dey have sekwel planned.

x

Worms All’Amattricana.  See Big Bird for recipe!

Abar turn tables on angry neighbors.  He blow up bomber’s car.  He infest woman’s house wit rats.  He put snake in bed wit other woman.  He make neighborhood REALLY windy, den trap everyone in shrinking t.v. screen of death (?).

And to top tings off, we treated to surprising twist:

Bet you not see DAT coming!

Verdikt: Movie try to deliver message about evils of racism so heart in right place but you know what dey say: Road to Hell be lined wit good intentions.  And sitting thru dis movie definitely feel like one WEIRD road trip down down under.

Rating: 2 chocolate chippee cookies for unintended hilarity.

Today’s entry is dedicated to belated birthday gal and blog regular Tam Dixon!

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