June 17, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Chronicle!

When is a found footage film not a found footage film?  When de makers mysteriously bail on de concept two turds of de way thru de movie.  Chronicle has distinktion of being de first (mostly) found footage superhero movie.  And dat about all dat make it distinkt.  It otherwise pretty standard fare.

Hey, it be like Peter Parker x 3!

Our protagonist, Andrew, be a high school nerd.  His mother dying, his dad abusive, he bullied at school.  It a miserable life for him – but very entertaining for everyone else so he decide to start filming it.  He bring his camera everywhere, inkluding to a party he go to wit his cousin and jock friend.  After leaving party, trio find weird hole in de ground, investigate, and diskover strange glowy crystal holding squiggly black ting.  Having never watched a horror or science fiction movie in deir lives, dey trow caution to de wind and decide to touch it.  Crystal changes color and dey get nose bleeds!

Weeks later, dey are showing off deir new teliknetik powers, moving objects wit deir minds.  It all fun and games until someone gets hurt…

Someone gets hurt.

Andrew uses his power to trow tailgating truck into lake.  Others tink dis is NOT cool and, after swimming into water and rescuing driver (instead of just using deir telikentic power to pull him out), dey agree to not hurt other people.

I believe I can fly.  I believe I can touch de sky.  I believe I can make others die.

Dey also teach demselves to fly and go hang out in de clouds – until dey almost get run over by a plane (Mighty crowded up dere!).

Wit great power come great irresponsibility

Dey celebrate by going to house party where Andrew trow up on girl. He humiliated and, next day at skool, he perform instrument-free dental surgery on bully who be picking on him.

Upset, Andrew fly away so he can be alone and film himself crying.  But jock manage to find him – me not exaktly sure how.  Mebbe he go to his favorite special place in de sky?  Jock try to cheer him up.  Andrew tank him by killing him wit lightning blast (Oh, yeah, he also apparently have lightning blast power).

Andrew start tinking he all special and superior, like Grover’s cousin ShaLaunda dat time she got her nails done.  He put on fireman suit and rob bullies and gas station to get money for medicine for his dying mother.

It be at dis point in movie where direktor decide “Fudge it!” and drop de found footage look.  But den seem to want to hedge his bets and inklude unnecessary security cam footage as well.  And, finally, seem to realize he being inconsistent so he go back to found footage look for movie’s ending dat involve Andrew vs. cousins vs a lot of parked cars in high-flying aktion.

Stay down!  Don’t move!

For some reason, despite all de damage and havok dey cause, police not at all inclined to shoot de boys.  Every time dey toss around police cars and policemen, cops just keep yelling: “Stay down!  Down move!” And, of course, dey move and trow around more cars and cops, and fall down some more and de cops yell: “Stay down!  Don’t move!”

Dis process is repeated until cousin get as tired of dis movie as we do and simply impale Andrew wit a handy spear from a nearby statue.

Movie end wit cousin filming himself addressing Andrew as he arrive in Tibet.  Why?  Does he believe Andrew also have de superpower to watch movies from beyond de grave?

Verdikt: Dere come a point in every found footage movie where audience wonder “Seriously!  Why de hell dey filming dis?”.  It seem dat, late in film, direktor arrive at same conklusion and deeply regret de whole “found footage” ting.

Rating: 3 chocolate chippee cookies.

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June 10, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Captain America: The First Avenger!

No offense to Captain America but, technically, wasn’t Thor de “First Avenger”?  Dis de first qwestion dat cross monster’s mind, followed by “Dis entire movie a period piece?” and “Did me forget to buy cake mix for Grover’s potluck supper next Toosday?”.

Monster sit down to watch Captain America wit an open mind and, while me pleasantly surprised by rip-roaring first half, overall movie make it abundantly clear dat Captain America be a flawed hero.  He not as cool as Iron Man or as mighty as Thor or even as interesting as Spiderman. At de end of de day, he about as awesome as Linoleum Girl or Unsweetened Oatmeal Man.  Still, Cap’s alter-ego, Steve Rogers be a very interesting charakter – for about half de movie anyway and, at de point when it become less about Steve and more about action and speshul effekts, dis film flounder for me like, well, a flounder.

Hey, Scarecrow, you’re in the wrong movie!

Movie open on diskovery of crashed ship in Antarctika.  Inside, men find frozen star spangled shield.  What it be?  What it mean?  Well, for answer to dat, we flashback to…

1942 where evil nazi (As opposed to what?  Good-hearted, lovable nazi?) kill old village priest and steal glowy cube.  What it be?  What it mean?  Well, for answer to dat, we go to…

Steve Rogers, a skinny, sickly guy who want to enlist in de army but refused because he TOO skinny and sickly.  He get bullied, beaten up, and generally feel bad about staying behind with all de girls while lucky guys go off to war.  He get taken in by kindly German scientist who offer him opportunity to serve.  Steve agree to undergo experimental serum treatment and, before you can say “Hulk smash!” he be transformed into dreamy hunk!

MUCH better!

Monster here must make speshul mention of spektacular visual effekts dat transform aktor as handsome and ripped as Cookie Monster into gawky geeky Grover-looking guy.  It truly a fascinating achievement.

Anyhoo, spy kill German scientist and we treated to transformed Steve chasing down bad guy and saving de day.  Suddenly, skinny/sickly Steve (moderately) super fast, (moderately) super strong, and (moderately) super agile.  He obviously destined for great tings!  He destined for…

BROADWAY!

Gotta dance!!!

Seriously, dude.

Okay.  Serious.

BUT when Steve find out his old buddy Bucky be captured by nazi’s, he decide he want to go reskue him.  And because he display such great onstage dancing ability (????), he happily dropped behind enemy lines in his Broadway attire and shield.

As Captain America, he infiltrate nazi facility and face off against super-nazi called The Red Skull.  Why he be called Red Skull?  What dat mean?  For de answer to dat…

“Skullsy McScarlet” already taken.

You have to watch de movie instead of reading dis review but let’s just say he be called Red Skull for a very good reason.  Dat has someting to do wit him having a red skull.

Captain America so awesome, he reskue Bucky and bunch of prisoners, den walk dem all de way back from Germany.

Government suddenly realize full potenshul of Captain America and cast him in off-off-Broadway produktions of “Kick Nazi Ass!”.  He go on various missions where he…Kick Nazi Ass!  He lead team against Red Skull lab and nazis armed wit energy weapons dat demolecularize people but, for some mysterious reason, bounce off Cap’s shield.

Cap showdown wit Red Skull on super jet carrying atomic bombs, each one carefully labeled so grievous error not made like dropping New York atomic bomb on Chicago.  How embarrassing would DAT be?

Captain America steer jet safely into ocean where it crash and he lost until…flashforward to…

Steve wake up and freak out.  He find himself in modern day Times Square where he shocked to hear it be 70 years later!  And de Chicago Cubs still haven’t won a World Series!

Verdikt: A movie dat start surprisingly strong and interesting but become less so as focus shift from charakter to action and speshul effekts.  Ultimately, it straightforward and kind of bland – like its hero.

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

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June 3, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Vs: All Superheroes Must Die!

Dis less a movie den it be a student film project gone terribly wrong. Poor akting, lame dialogue, weak direktion, and cheap produktion values be de least of it’s problems.  No, biggest issue monster have wit Superheroes Must Die be it’s unforgivable stoopidity and fakt dat it make about as much sense as Lost in czechoslovakian.

Not-so-fantastic Four.

Group of superheroes wake up in remote town minus deir superpowers. Foursome made up of bad aktress, bad aktor, worse bad aktor, and bad aktor who spend entire movie walking around wit half a mask because it got torn and he can’t be bothered to just take it off.   It turn out dis situation compliments of arch-villain, Rickshaw.  Yes, he be named after a two wheeled passenger cart for trotting tourists around. “But how dis  possible?”dey ask.  Rickshaw supposed to be dead.  How he capture dem?  What he do to dem?

Don’t hold your breath waiting for any answers.

Rickshaw (aka Cackles McCackleson).

Thru a series of video recordings, Rickshaw inform “heroes” dey must perform series of tasks in order to save hostages.  If dey refuse to participate, whole town rigged to blow!

So, basically, dis entire movie based on classic “stoopid villain” premise. You know what me talking about.  Instead of just killing de hero, villain has to create super elaborate set-up for entertainment purposes. In dis case, his NOT ours.

Uncle Sham

Heroes have to split up into two teams.  One team end up having to fight egregious over-aktor dressed up like Uncle Sam.  Dey rush him and he push dem down.  Really hard me guess because dey mysteriously incapacitated.  Uncle Sham pull out knife and stabby-stabby worse bad aktor.

Meanwhile, other team have to split up.  While one guy fight skinny circus strongman on trampoline, other have to save hostages strapped to explosives.  He attempt to save dem by putting out fuse wit his fingers.  It not work (obviously) so he use axe to cut end off fuse. Whew!  Dat was close!  Only, for some reason, fuse light up again. What can dey do?  Use axe again?  Maybe yank fuse out of explosives (monster’s first choice)?  No.  How about run away and let hostages explode?

Second group meet up wit first group and Half-Mask plow into Uncle Sham, demonstrating dat he de only one who got to keep his super powers.  Super strength!  But it later revealed he didn’t lose his super powers because he never had super powers to begin wit.  Even tho…er…he supposedly super strong.

Anyhoo, it too late for stabbed guy.  At dis point, remaining heroes finally get around to checking in on second group of hostages.  Who also get blown up.  Heroes realize it not matter what dey do because Rickshaw going to blow up hostages anyway!

We mistreated to maudlin flashbacks in failed retroactive effort to make us care about dese charakters.

Back in his hideout, villain do de old “cross out dead character’s picture wit red marker” gag – and cackle.  Oh, how he love to cackle.

Remaining tree heroes show up at second spot where another tree hostages rigged up to blow.  Also in room are a gun and tree coffins wit deir names on it.  Only tree coffins because, according to one hero, Rickshaw guessed other hero would already be dead after not completing last task.  Uh, right.  Dat and produktion not able to afford turd wooden box.  Rickshaw tell dem dey must kill demselves to save hostages.  Half-Mask grab gun, step up to his labeled coffin, and put gun up to his chin.  It look like he about to kill himself.  But, instead, he shoot hostages!  Dis be a very surprising moment because…it make absolutely no sense!  Why he pretend to shoot himself first?  Not for benefit of hostages because dey hooded (so dat produktion can save on extras and re-use same tree aktors).  What de Fudgee-o?

Dey rush off to next stop where one of heroes’ sisters rigged to blow up.  Rickshaw tell dem dey must kill each other and he will let sister go.  Of course, at dis point, we already know Rickshaw not letting anyone go.  He already killed all de hostages.  Heroes already stated he already going to kill all de hostages anyway.  So time to try and save hostage instead of playing useless game, right?  Right?!!

Nope.  Brother suddenly and mysteriously very bitter about fakt he be a sidekick.  He get himself killed.  Presumably to save his sister.  And – surprise surprise – she get blown up anyway.

In final round, Half-Mask and girl superhero must fight to death.  Half-Mask seemingly kill himself but it really only a ploy to help him triangulate Rickshaw’s position.  Uh, how he do dat?  By pulling out a map, connecting a bunch of x’s, and deducing point of intersektion be Rickshaw’s hideout.  Me repeat: WHAT DE FUDGEE-O?!

Hey, buddy – viewers suffering A LOT more.

Half-Mask beat up a bunch of henchmen in bear suits.  Why dey wearing bear suits?  Because it make dem look more fearsome?  He get drop on Rickshaw and shoot him.  But, wit his last dying breath, Rickshaw pull out remote and trigger timer dat will blow up entire town in tree minutes.

A badly wounded Half-Mask check out security monitors and notice girl superhero.  Instead of eskaping town, she race to other place and locate Half-Mask’s ridiculous “triangulation” map.  She end up finding him.

As timer tick down, dey limp out of HQ.  Sadly too late to save demselves, but happily right on time to save US from crappy sekwel.

A cheese omelet stuffed wit stoopidity.  Dis movie aktually make Monster nostalgic for Supergirl.

Verdikt: Worst Superhero Movie Ever!

Rating: 0 chocolate chippee cookies.

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May 27, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Green Lantern!

What if Deadpool became Green Lantern?  Dis seem to be de qwestion dis movie try to answer.

Unlike it’s more ambitious predecessors, Green Lantern aspire to be little more den a quasi-entertaining kids movie.  And it aktually succeed, offering a uncomplikated story devoid of riveting drama or charakters but also free of de stoopid plot twists dat tipify de genre. GL may not be a great movie, but it certainly not as terrible as monster expekt!

Wit dis ring, I thee kick ass.

A short time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a dangerous creature called Parallax eskape from space prison.  He attack a space station manned by alien named Abin Sur, member of intergalactic police force known as De Judoon Peacekeepers Rangers Green Lantern Corps!  Abin Sur eskape and, seriously injured, crash land on Earth.

Parallax have serious case of dragon breath!

Realizing he be dying, Abin Sur take off his power ring, de source of his power (dats why it be called a POWER ring) and send it off to find someone worthy.  It fly off and choose…brash, quippy mercenary test pilot Wade Wilson Hal Jordan, gifting him ability to fly, create giant green hard light constructs out of his imagination, and squeeeeze into tight green spandex outfit.  Why it choose Hal?  Because he be fearless!  Not “missing his amygdalae and literally can’t experience sensation of fear” fearless but “cocky and stoopid” fearless.  Er – close enough.

Egghead Eggplanthead scientist – Hector Hammond

Meanwhile, government diskover crashed alien ship and hire nerd scientist, Hector Hammond, to study dead alien.  Unfortunately for HH, he end up getting infekted by second alien life form (Parallax) and acquire abilities like mind reading, telekinesis, and literal “fat head”. Also emphysema.

Hal go for a space joyride, get into trouble, and wake up on OA, planet and HQ of De Green Lantern Corps where he meet other weird-looking Lanterns, train, and get showed up by Lantern leader who look like love child of Spock and Clark Gable.  But monster not trust dis guy at all. Why not?  Becuz his name be…SINESTRO!  Come on!

Lanternpaolooza!

Hal return home after deciding being a Green Lantern not for him.  But he keep de ring anyway.  Just in case.  Back in space, we diskover Parallax on his way to OA for revenge.  Turn out he a former chairman of de board of OA who went all evil and transformed by de power of fear and de color yellow.  Yep.  Yellow!  Sinestro suggest only way to stop Parallax be to harness power of fear…and yellow…into a ring!  Yep! YELLOW!

Would you trust dis guy?

Back at sekret government lab, government agents chatting to Hector Hammond fail to notice his head be expanded to five times its usual size, so Hector able to get drop on dem wit his telekinetic powers.  BUT Hal, who changed his mind about de whole Green Lantern ting, show up in nick of time.  Why?  How he know where to show up?  Good qwestion!

Hal find out Parallax planning picnic stopover at Earth on way to OA so he can snack on human fear and power up.  Hal fly to OA and tell dem. For some reason, OA be dicks and not want to help.  But Hal say he not need help.  He just ask dem to let him fight for his world.  Hunh?  It not made clear why he need deir permission and, after not getting it, he fly back to Earth and do it anyway.

Hal showdown wit Hector.  Parallax show up and start feeding on people’s fear.  Hal battle him, creating all sorts of silly giant green weapons like catapult and rail gun.  It about at dis point in dat me realize Green Lantern be one helluva silly superhero and his powers just slightly less embarrassing den Elongated Man, Matter Eater Lad and Infectious Lass (who, incidentally, Grover dated for five months back in 2011).

Dey take battle to space.  Hal use sun’s gravitational pull to defeat Parallax and, before he can get swallowed too, he get reskued by Green Lantern Corps lead by Sinestro!  But monster still not trust him.  Why not?  Because his name be SINESTRO!

Ho hum.  LOVE!

Cue compulsory love scene between Hal and his girlfriend.  De End.

Except for last quick scene in which Sinestro, for some reason, decide to put on yellow power ring.  Oh, wait.  Me know reason why.

Because he be named SINESTRO!!!

Verdikt: Me expekting a lot worse.  It aktually NOT terrible!  But not great either.

Rating: 6.0 chocolate chippee cookies

P.S. Ryan “Stitch” Nixon – Monster want to hear from you!  What de inside skoop?  Was Parallax a diva?

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May 13, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Thor!

Dis movie slower den Snuffleupagus backing up.  It take longer to get going den Grover de morning after Furries Night at Ye Olde Sesame Street Pub.

Movie begin in 965 AD when Odin, King of Asgard, defeat army of Frost Giants and save de nine realms (Earth, Middle Earth, Lower Earth, Ringworld, Narnia, Neverland, Westeros, Oz, and De Mushroom Kingdom).  A truce be called but, years later, it broken by de Frost Giants who try to steal de source of deir power – let’s call it de frost box.  Dis not sit very well wit our dreamy hero, Thor, son of Odin, who enlist help of his fellow Norse Gods – de most un-Scandinavian looking bunch since de Muppet Show pit band, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

Dreamy

Thor and co. visit Frost Giants and kick ass.  Odin show up, reprimand Thor, and punish him by banishing him to Earth.

Odin have a temper.  And a golden eye patch.

On Earth, Thor, stripped of his godly powers but still holding onto his heavenly good looks, get reskued by team of scientists in New Mexico. Scientists not sure what to do wit him.  He a real fish out of water, claiming be a god, and seem downright crazy.  On de other hand, his abs be pretty spektacular – so scientists decide to let him hang around.

Meanwhile, it turn out Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir, banished to New Mexico too.  It get diskovered by locals, den government agents, but no one able to pick it up.  Thor hear about it, sneak in, try to pick it up – but can’t. He captured but eskape and develop fast-track romance with sexy scientist over course of one maudlin night-time conversation.

Meanwhile, we diskover dat Thor’s brother, Loki, behind all de Frost Giant trouble.

Loki

It turn out he helping de Frost Giants because he really a Frost Giant baby adopted by Odin after de war.  But why, you may ask, he not look anyting like a Frost giant?  Shut de F up, me may answer.

Meanwhile, Thor’s buddies travel to Earth to get him back.  But Loki find out and send de Destroyer, a automated Asgard sekurity system, after dem to kill Thor.  Great aktion sekwence ensue.  Thor’s buddies getting deir asses kicked.  Thor offer to sacrifice himself for his friends. Dis prove he be worthy and Mjolnir fly to him.  Finally, he be Thor again and fun can start!  Halfway through de movie

Hammer Time!

Thor defeat Destroyer.  He and his buddies return to Asgard to stop Loki from leading Frost Giants against Odin -

BUT it turn out Loki set up entire scenario to defeat Frost Giants once and for all and prove himself to Odin.  Turns out he just be misunderstood.  Awwwwwwww.

Thor destroys de rainbow bridge, cutting off Asgard from Earth and puppy heaven.  Loki allow himself to fall into dark abyss after his feelings hurt by Odin.

Back on Earth, pretty scientist pining away for Thor and his abs. Meanwhile, it revealed that Loki be still alive!  Dun-dun-DAAAAAH!

Verdikt: Great once it finally get going – halfway thru de movie.

Rating: 6.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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May 6, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Megamind!

If you loved The Incredibles, den you won’t mind Megamind!  It like a diet version of de former – great-looking and still enjoyable, but wit half de charm, humor, and clever plotting.  It won’t fill you up wit needless terrifik memories.

Space Baby and Alien Goldfish

Movie get off to fantastik start wit opening sekwence/parody of Superman movie.  Little alien baby packed away in space pod wit his alien goldfish companion and fired off into space.  Unfortunately for him, he not only space baby fleeing a doomed world dat day.   Other space baby beat him to Earth and end up adopted by wealthy loving family.  Our space baby end up raised by loving prison convikts.  Talk about tuff love!

Growing up, our boy misunderstood at school – and showed up by space-born rival.  Me feel very sorry for him and scenes make Monster want to go out and hug a bad guy.  Which me did, hugging skeevy looking gangsta who always selling crystal meth on corner of 4th and Sesame.  Two hours later, after me discharged from hospital minus wallet and four teeth, Monster feeling less sympathetic and huggy, but certainly more worldly.

Anyway, eventually, both grow up and choose career paths.    Rival decides to become superhero and calls hisself…Metro Man!

Super douche

Our kid decide to become a supervillain and call hisself…Megamind!

He have many great battles wit Metro Man – but always get his ass kicked.  Until de day he succeed!  He aktually kill his hated rival, Metro Man!

De End!

No, wait!  For some reazon dat never fully explained, Megamind miss Metro Man.  Yes, me suppose it becuz a supervillain not really have purpose witout a superhero to battle.  It be like a yang missing his ying (Monster reminded of Grover’s uncle who lost HIS ying in machine shop accident, but dat a story for another time).  It make sense on a philosophical level but it never expressed in any grounded way.  As a result, it feel like a big cheat.  In many ways, it indikative of movie’s biggest fault – an  unwillingness on part of writer to fully exploit movie’s potenshul.  Megamind only half as funny as it should be; only half as smart as it could be.

Dis relationship give new meaning to de term “blue balls”.

Using holographic disguise generator (BTW, it on Monster’s Christmas list) Megamind woo pretty reporter.  But he still (presumably) missing a challenge so he create a superhero by injekting regular shlub wit super DNA.

Supershlub!

But supershlub turn out to be major supervillain.  And so, Megamind have to become superhero!

Final battle offers great visuals and even a cool twist or two dat Monster not reveal for fear of giving away spoilers dat Metro Man still alive and dat Megamind use his dehydrating gun to save hisself.

Bad guy becomes a good guy and gets de girl and everyone learn valuable lesson.  Megamind learn it never too late to change.  Reporter learn it always good to keep an open mind.  And Cookie Monster learn me missed a similar movie called Despicable Me dat me will have to watch somewhere down de line.

Verdikt: Better den most but not super.

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 29, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Green Hornet!

Do you have low expektations?  Are you annoyed by tings like logic and quality?  Are you a cretin?  If you answered yes to any of dese questions, den you may enjoy The Green Hornet.

Cool, no?  No.  Not really.

Movie open on Russian gangster who visit club owned by rival.  There, he make rival an offer he can’t refuse.  Rival refuse it anyway, so Russian pull out carefully concealed weapon – a big, clunky twin-barreled gun.  How possible for him to sneak it inside?  It not make any sense!  Russian kill bodyguards, make another offer, den get up and leave.  As he leaving, rival notice he forgot his briefcase and say: “Hey, you forgot your briefcase!”.  Seconds later – literally, dats all de time it takes for Russian to get out de office, thru de club, and out de front door – briefcase explode.  It not make any sense!!

We cut to Chateau Versailles where we introduced to multi-millionaire douchebag father and his multi-millionaire douchebag son. Britt. Father is unhappy wit son’s lifestyle.  He unhappier still when he supposedly get stung by bee, have allergic reaction and die.  Britt take over de family business and fire entire house staff – except guy named Kato because he know which buttons to push to make great coffee. Also, Kato be a terrifik mechanic who, for some reason, tricked out Britt’s dad’s car wit all sorts of James Bond gadgetry.  Why?  It not make any sense!!!

One night, Britt and Kato dress up in disguise and take head off father’s memorial statue.  Dey also end up stopping gang of muggers. Well, Kato stop dem.  Britt just try his best not to get in de way.

It not make any – shhhhhhhh.

Disguised Britt and Kato caught on security camera defacing father’s statue.  Britt inherit father’s newspaper and insist it publish headline story on mysterious criminal defacers, one of which he name Green Hornet.  Soon, everyone very interested in Green Hornet.  De media, citizens, even de Russian gangster.  But why?  Why de heck everyone suddenly interested in some guy just because he took de head off a statue?  Why powerful Russian gangster is worried about being upstaged by a costumed vandal?  IT NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!

Green Hornet and Kato in…De Case of de Missing Plot.

In order to decide next course of aktion, Britt have to hire self-proclaimed “criminal expert” temp to tell him what Green Hornet will do next.  Using her “expert insight”, he follow her predikted pattern: beating up criminals and generally causing trouble for Russian gangster.  Why Britt need to hire some temp to tell him what to do? IT NOT MAKE ANY SENSE!!

Faster den a speeding truck.

Russian try to kill Green Hornet and Kato – but dey eskape.  Den have a falling out because Britt tink Kato dating temp.  Den Kato tink Britt dating temp.  Ho hum.

Kato accept Russian’s offer to kill Green Hornet and get de drop on Britt (after completely implausible flashback sekwence in which Britt piece together complikated backstory for benefit of confused viewer.  It not make any sense by de way) – but it turn out he have no intention of killing him after all.  In de end, it not really matter because, for some reason, Russian gangsters and his thugs start shooting up de place before Kato can go thru wit it.  Why?  IT NOT MAKE ANY FREAKIN’ SENSE!

Shoot out!  Car chase!  Fights!  Entire floor of newspaper building destroyed but newspaper staff unaware dere be anyting going on until a half a car drive out of de elevator.  IT NOT MAKE ANY FREAKIN’ SENSE!!

Bad guys killed.  Britt, dressed up as Green Hornet, get shot in shoulder and eskape.  But he unable to go to hospital because den police will know HE de Green Hornet.  So he and Kato and temp come up wit brilliant plan: De next day, Britt give public speech – and interrupted by Kato who fake shoot him in de shoulder and drive away. Presumably, hospital staff won’t know difference between fresh and day-old gunshot wound and everyting a-okay.

Britt and Kato put head back on statue, restoring dignity to father’s legacy.  Sadly, same can’t be said for Green Hornet franchise.

Verdikt: Seriously!  It makes no sense!

Rating: 3 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 22, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Super!

Dis movie remind monster of Christmas family dinner.  It sound like a good idea and everybody expekt a good time but, instead, it end up being sad, depressing, and somebody always get hit in de head wit a big wrench.

God’s tentacles?

Movie begin wit lovable loser who happily married to woman way out of his league.  Wife suddenly come to dis realization one day and leave him to hook up wit Footloose criminal and become drug addikt.  Our hero understandably upset and, after getting beaten up by Footloose’s thugs, he inspired to become a superhero by Super Jesus t.v. show and weird trippy sekwence involving a bright lights, disembodied tentacles, and brain surgery.

Wow, de Flash really let himself go.

He design his own superhero outfit and become…Crimson Bolt!  He hang around, waiting for someting to happen, try to intervene in a crime, and get beat up.  After talking to cute girl in comic book shop, he take his cue from Batman’s bat-gadgets and make a key addition to his costume: a big frikkin’ wrench he use to hit people wit.  Dis little tweak make all de difference and soon, Crimson Bolt be taking on drug dealers, child molesters, and line cutters.

Outfit inspired by Robin. And de Oregon Ducks cheerleading squad.

Go Justice!

Up to dis point, movie vacillate, sometimes awkwardly, between darkly humorous and weirdly discomforting, but here it start veering into downer territory.  Crimson Bolt crash bad guy’s house wit his trusty big wrench only to get chased off and shot in de leg.  He seek help of girl from comic book shop who, thrilled to find out his true identity, decide to create her own outfit and become his sidekick, Bolty!

Meanwhile, Footloose’s thugs go to our hero’s house to deal wit him – and end up shooting some poor, innocent detective instead.

Prepping for the big super finish.

Armed wit guns and bombs, Crimson Bolt and Bolty attack Footloose’s house.  Bolty get half her face blasted off and killed instantly – which be de least funny ting monster have seen in a comedy since Hangover II.  De entire movie.

Dis make Crimson Bolt angrier den Grover after last call.  He shoot and blow up bad guys.  Old Batman-style sound effects flash up on screen: POW!  BAM!

He take on Footloose and get de upper hand.  Footloose pleads for his life: “You really think that killing me… stabbing me to death is going to change the world?”

To which Crimson Bolt reply: “I can’t know that for sure, unless I try!”

And he does.

Our hero saves his wife and brings her home.  And dey live happily ever after.

No.  Correction.  Our hero saves his wife and brings her home.  And she leaves him for someone else.

But our hero is happy because he convince himself dat his wife’s new kids will someday save de world.

And he has pet bunny to console him.

Verdikt: A pretty funny premise dat be very poorly executed.  Unlike Kick-Ass’s amusing cartoon over-de-top violence, de shootings, bludgeonings, and blow-ups in Super be pretty grounded and graphic, undermining most of de humor.  What could have been a great dark comedy instead end up being weird, uneven, and depressing.

Rating: 4 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 15, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Iron Man 2!

Monster like to rate sekwels on what me call de Sliding Celebrity Sibling Scale.  It start at Clint Howard and go all de way up to Mark Wahlberg.  Given how much me enjoy first Iron Man, me expect Iron Man 2 to be a real Stephen Baldwin.  But it surpass monster’s expektations and, initially, me consider it a solid Casey Affleck.  But, in preparing dis review and after further reflektion, me have to downgrade it to a Randy Quaid.

Iron Man catches Saturday Night Fever

Iron Man 2 pick up not long after first Iron Man end.  U.S. government mad at Tony Stark because dey want to militarize his tech.  Tony refuse and, instead, he do what regular folk do to blow off steam: drink, sleep around, and race in de Monaco Grand Prix.

Maybe he should stick to Nascar.

Unfortunately, race interrupted by crazy Russian played by Mickey Rourke who, again, be typecast as evil genius.  Motivated by family revenge, he attack Tony wit…er…super electric whips.  But he get his ass beaten because Tony able to change into his Iron Man suit.  And, also, because he be armed wit…er…super electric whips.

Who else would you get to play part of brilliant scientist?

Russian sent away to prison but later busted out by Tony’s business rival, Justin Hammer, who evidently have desperate need to fill sociopathic affirmative action position within his company.  While Justin leave Russian free hand on his technologies…

Tony continue love-annoy relationship with Pepper Potts who he appoint new Stark Industries CEO.  Sekwel offer some great scenes between dese two and also his chauffeur/bodyguard/director Happy Hogan.  All in all, dialogue in dis movie be as sharp as a super electric whip.  Dat’s pretty sharp!  

In another interesting subplot dat go absolutely nowhere, we learn Tony suffering from blood toxicity caused be his own suit.  Being Iron Man is killing him.  Literally!  It be a great dilemma dat, sadly, given short shrift and too easily addressed before movie’s end.

Nat from accounts receivable.

Another subplot involve Natahsa Romanoff (aka Black Widow) who be working undercover at Stark Industries to assess Tony.  Her presence in dis movie, along wit a couple of scenes involving Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D., do nothing to advance de story and only serve to set up future Avengers movie.  And give fanboys boners.  

At one point, Tony get so drunk he end up facing off against his best buddy, Rhodey.  In full battle gear!  It be one of de most ridikulous sekwences in dis movie and feel like an attempt to address a producer’s skript note: “De second act be kind of dragging.  We need to insert some aktion.  Who cares if it not make any sense.”

Because he show poor judgement (if dat what you call almost killing a bunch of innocent bystanders) Tony put under house arrest. Meanwhile, Justin Hammer make big demonstration  showing off his new line of iron suits to be purchased by U.S. military – and modeled by Rhodey.

BUT Russian somehow (Hey, me already mention he be a genius) hack into iron suits and sic dem on Iron Man.  

Big aktion sekwence ensues!  Iron Man vs. Rhodey.  Iron Man vs. iron suits.  Iron Man and Rhodey vs. iron suits.  Iron Man and Rhodey vs. Crazy Russian.

Movie end wit a medal ceremony, rooftop kiss, and misplaced god paraphenalia.

Verdikt: Great performances, dialogue and aktion sekwences undone by weak plotting.  Dis sekwel be less Beau Bridges and more Brian Doyle Murray.   

Rating: 6.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 8, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Super Capers!

If nothing else, Super Capers prove dat absolutely anyone can make a movie.  You not need to have a good idea or a good skript or good direktor or good aktors.  Just two million dollars and you too can take creative equivalent of a big, cheesy dump onscreen.

Some movies me have reviewed left monster happy.  Others left monster sad.  Still others left monster angry.  Dis be de first time a movie leave monster feeling embarrassed – for everyone involved with dis sorrowful excuse for a film.  And sad for anyone who watched it, espeshully me.   Also for everyone reading dis review.  Seriously.  You can be doing someting much more constructive wit your time, like sleeping or starting a drug habit.

Monster honestly thought it not possible to get any worse den Shark Boy and Lava Girl, but dat before me watched dis movie.  If SB&LG be bottom of de barrel, dis move be de big pile of crap de barrel sitting on top of.

Team Craptastic

Plot involve some superhero wit no real super powers who get sued by burglar he roughed up.  He get sentenced to halfway house where other lame superheroes-in-training reside.  Hilarity NOT ensue. Instead, we treated to leftover gags not funny enough for unfunny Superhero Movie, accompanied by cartoon sound effects and music cues dat be dere to remind audience dat Super Capers is supposed to be funny.  Oh, and some time travel.

Verdikt: Terruble on every possible level.  Monster can’t say for certain, but me pretty sure even de catering sucked.

Rating: 0 chocolate chippee cookies and potential bitter deathbed realization dis be 98 minutes of monster’s life me wish me could have back.

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