May 20, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews X-Men: First Class!

Watching X-Men: First Class like dating smart, beautiful she-monster who be fantastik company – until she drink too much, start rambling, talk about her ex, linger over espresso, and leave you wishing date could have ended sometime after dessert and before she vomit in your cabriolet.  Disappointing because movie start off VERY strong but, sadly, overstay it’s welcome like a visiting uncle Herb.

Guess what number me tinking.  Wrong.  Blue!

Movie open in WWII concentration camp where boy, Erik, demonstrate superpower of magnetism when he get angry – much to de delight of evil Nazi, Professor Footloose (second worst miscasting in recent supermovie memory), who kill his mother to reawaken his abilities.  For some reason, Erik destroy room, crush nazi soldier skulls, but leave mom-killer alive – even tho monster pretty sure professor’s glasses could have been pretty effektive/gruesome weapon.

Meanwhile, in England, another boy, Charles Xavier, who have mind-reading/control powers, walk into his kitchen and befriend shapeshifter-burglar, Mystique.  Awww.  You see?  Mebbe you can make friends wit a burglar too if you only make de effort.

Magneto, Master of Tai-Chi

Twenty years later, everyone grown up (Which, incidentally, make dem in deir 20′s in de 1960′s.  So, doing de math, Professor X and Magneto be around 75 years old in de X-Men movies.).  Erik trying to track down Professor Footloose who, for some reason, look twenty years younger den he did during WWII.  In addition to better looking, he also got hisself three mutant assistants and plan to start WWIII.  He really tinking BIG!

Smiles, everyone.  Smiles!

Wit help of Charles Xavier and Mystique, CIA go after Professor Footloose.  But he eskape in sekret submarine which, incidentally, be standard on most supervillain yachts.  On de bright side, Charles make new ally in de process = brooding Erik.  BFF, dey team up and recruit teen mutants.

While teen mutants settle in and play Big Brother, Charles and Erik go to Russia where dey capture Professor Footloose henchwoman, Emma Frost (WORST miscasting in recent supermovie history) who about as interesting as a fish ice sculpture – and learn of his plan.

While Charles and Erik be in Russia, Professor Footloose attack teen mutants.  He kill one, take another, and massakre many CIA agents.

Believe it or not (and you probably not believe it by dis picture) but she one of de worst tings about dis movie.

Lots of time wasted wit secondary charakters.  Mutants train.  Den put on new team uniforms and go after Professor Footloose and co. while trying to head off nuclear war.  Plenty of action!  Explosions!  Cool visual effekts!  Erik finally get his revenge on Professor Footloose and steal his hat.  Charles paralyzed.  Nuclear war averted.

In movie’s final scenes, wheelchair-bound Charles open up school for gifted mutants.  Erik (aka Magneto), meanwhile, wit support of mercenary mutants inkluding Mystique, break White Queen out of jail. Presumably so dat she can get de help she needs.  Me hoping acting lessons!

Verdikt: A good movie dat about a half hour too long to be a great movie.

Rating: 7.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

Past supermovie reviews here: http://cookiemonstermovereviews.wordpress.com/ (Thor, Megamind, Green Hornet, etc.).

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May 13, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Thor!

Dis movie slower den Snuffleupagus backing up.  It take longer to get going den Grover de morning after Furries Night at Ye Olde Sesame Street Pub.

Movie begin in 965 AD when Odin, King of Asgard, defeat army of Frost Giants and save de nine realms (Earth, Middle Earth, Lower Earth, Ringworld, Narnia, Neverland, Westeros, Oz, and De Mushroom Kingdom).  A truce be called but, years later, it broken by de Frost Giants who try to steal de source of deir power – let’s call it de frost box.  Dis not sit very well wit our dreamy hero, Thor, son of Odin, who enlist help of his fellow Norse Gods – de most un-Scandinavian looking bunch since de Muppet Show pit band, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

Dreamy

Thor and co. visit Frost Giants and kick ass.  Odin show up, reprimand Thor, and punish him by banishing him to Earth.

Odin have a temper.  And a golden eye patch.

On Earth, Thor, stripped of his godly powers but still holding onto his heavenly good looks, get reskued by team of scientists in New Mexico. Scientists not sure what to do wit him.  He a real fish out of water, claiming be a god, and seem downright crazy.  On de other hand, his abs be pretty spektacular – so scientists decide to let him hang around.

Meanwhile, it turn out Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir, banished to New Mexico too.  It get diskovered by locals, den government agents, but no one able to pick it up.  Thor hear about it, sneak in, try to pick it up – but can’t. He captured but eskape and develop fast-track romance with sexy scientist over course of one maudlin night-time conversation.

Meanwhile, we diskover dat Thor’s brother, Loki, behind all de Frost Giant trouble.

Loki

It turn out he helping de Frost Giants because he really a Frost Giant baby adopted by Odin after de war.  But why, you may ask, he not look anyting like a Frost giant?  Shut de F up, me may answer.

Meanwhile, Thor’s buddies travel to Earth to get him back.  But Loki find out and send de Destroyer, a automated Asgard sekurity system, after dem to kill Thor.  Great aktion sekwence ensue.  Thor’s buddies getting deir asses kicked.  Thor offer to sacrifice himself for his friends. Dis prove he be worthy and Mjolnir fly to him.  Finally, he be Thor again and fun can start!  Halfway through de movie

Hammer Time!

Thor defeat Destroyer.  He and his buddies return to Asgard to stop Loki from leading Frost Giants against Odin -

BUT it turn out Loki set up entire scenario to defeat Frost Giants once and for all and prove himself to Odin.  Turns out he just be misunderstood.  Awwwwwwww.

Thor destroys de rainbow bridge, cutting off Asgard from Earth and puppy heaven.  Loki allow himself to fall into dark abyss after his feelings hurt by Odin.

Back on Earth, pretty scientist pining away for Thor and his abs. Meanwhile, it revealed that Loki be still alive!  Dun-dun-DAAAAAH!

Verdikt: Great once it finally get going – halfway thru de movie.

Rating: 6.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 15, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Iron Man 2!

Monster like to rate sekwels on what me call de Sliding Celebrity Sibling Scale.  It start at Clint Howard and go all de way up to Mark Wahlberg.  Given how much me enjoy first Iron Man, me expect Iron Man 2 to be a real Stephen Baldwin.  But it surpass monster’s expektations and, initially, me consider it a solid Casey Affleck.  But, in preparing dis review and after further reflektion, me have to downgrade it to a Randy Quaid.

Iron Man catches Saturday Night Fever

Iron Man 2 pick up not long after first Iron Man end.  U.S. government mad at Tony Stark because dey want to militarize his tech.  Tony refuse and, instead, he do what regular folk do to blow off steam: drink, sleep around, and race in de Monaco Grand Prix.

Maybe he should stick to Nascar.

Unfortunately, race interrupted by crazy Russian played by Mickey Rourke who, again, be typecast as evil genius.  Motivated by family revenge, he attack Tony wit…er…super electric whips.  But he get his ass beaten because Tony able to change into his Iron Man suit.  And, also, because he be armed wit…er…super electric whips.

Who else would you get to play part of brilliant scientist?

Russian sent away to prison but later busted out by Tony’s business rival, Justin Hammer, who evidently have desperate need to fill sociopathic affirmative action position within his company.  While Justin leave Russian free hand on his technologies…

Tony continue love-annoy relationship with Pepper Potts who he appoint new Stark Industries CEO.  Sekwel offer some great scenes between dese two and also his chauffeur/bodyguard/director Happy Hogan.  All in all, dialogue in dis movie be as sharp as a super electric whip.  Dat’s pretty sharp!  

In another interesting subplot dat go absolutely nowhere, we learn Tony suffering from blood toxicity caused be his own suit.  Being Iron Man is killing him.  Literally!  It be a great dilemma dat, sadly, given short shrift and too easily addressed before movie’s end.

Nat from accounts receivable.

Another subplot involve Natahsa Romanoff (aka Black Widow) who be working undercover at Stark Industries to assess Tony.  Her presence in dis movie, along wit a couple of scenes involving Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D., do nothing to advance de story and only serve to set up future Avengers movie.  And give fanboys boners.  

At one point, Tony get so drunk he end up facing off against his best buddy, Rhodey.  In full battle gear!  It be one of de most ridikulous sekwences in dis movie and feel like an attempt to address a producer’s skript note: “De second act be kind of dragging.  We need to insert some aktion.  Who cares if it not make any sense.”

Because he show poor judgement (if dat what you call almost killing a bunch of innocent bystanders) Tony put under house arrest. Meanwhile, Justin Hammer make big demonstration  showing off his new line of iron suits to be purchased by U.S. military – and modeled by Rhodey.

BUT Russian somehow (Hey, me already mention he be a genius) hack into iron suits and sic dem on Iron Man.  

Big aktion sekwence ensues!  Iron Man vs. Rhodey.  Iron Man vs. iron suits.  Iron Man and Rhodey vs. iron suits.  Iron Man and Rhodey vs. Crazy Russian.

Movie end wit a medal ceremony, rooftop kiss, and misplaced god paraphenalia.

Verdikt: Great performances, dialogue and aktion sekwences undone by weak plotting.  Dis sekwel be less Beau Bridges and more Brian Doyle Murray.   

Rating: 6.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 1, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Kick-Ass! Goa’uld-related news!

Dis film be filled wit violence, torture, and a little girl charakter more potty-mouthed den Grover dat time he developed “chemikal burns” on his blueberries after jacuzzi party wit Madonna.  It be a terruble, TERRUBLE movie for kids.

But a super, FANTASTIK movie for monster.  Me loved it!

Say hello to my little friends.

Kick Ass ask de qwestion: What if?  What if a regular kid wit no super powers or fancy gadjets, armed only wit de human spirit and courage of his own conviktions, decided to be a superhero?  What would happen?

Well, he would get the crap beat out of him and nearly killed of course. Which be exaktly what happen to our hero, a lovable high school loser after he buy himself a mail-order costume and take on persona of…Kick-Ass!  On de one hand, he almost die.  On de other hand, he rushed to hospital and get bunch of metal plates inserted into his broken body so dat, in his words, he “look like freakin’ Wovlerine!”. Yep, metal plates be terruble for getting thru airport security, but pretty great for taking punches to de head.  Just avoid standing too close to microwave ovens.

She could handle herself on de mean streets of Sesame

Kick-Ass hit de streets and test out his harder-to-hurt new body.  He still get de crap kicked out of him – but dis time, witnesses take cell phone videos of beatdown.  He become biggest internet sensation since square-dancing monkey.  Emboldened, he go have a talk wit ex-boyfriend of girl he like from skool.  Turn out he a drug dealer wit a short fuse for people who threaten and taze him.  Touchy!  He and his buddies about to kill Kick-Ass when – another superhero crash de party.  But, unlike Kick-Ass, dis superhero not playing pretend.  She de real deal.  And she be only eleven years old!  What an inspiration!

She demonstrate some pretty sweet moves, dispatching baddies in gruesome fashion to updated version of de Banana Splitz theme song.

Now monster not usually like kids in movies – but Hit Girl be an exception.  She like a cross between sword-wielding Kill Bill gal, dat Home Alone kid, and Paul Bettany after a few drinks.

Batman dialed to 11

Hit Girl, of course, accompanied by her dad (Duh!  She only eleven!) a superhero called Big Daddy who remind monster of a brain-damaged Batman.  Turn out he former cop who be framed by mobster and kicked off de force.  His wife die, leaving him to raise his daughter de best way he know how – by shooting her and teaching her how to kill bad guys.  And you thought your dad was tuff!

It turn out dis same mobster now very pissed because drug dealer worked for him.  He tink Kick-Ass responsible and enlist help of his own so to trap him.  His son go undercover as superhero -

Red Mist

Son (aka Red Mist) befriend Kick-Ass and use him to set up Big Daddy and Hit Girl.  Hit Girl shot and fall out window.  Big Daddy and Kick-Ass captured and tortured live on de internet.  But live events have way of going horribly wrong for Swedish quiz show hostesses, overenthusiastic sports reporters, and bad guys when Hit Girl show up and take dem out.

Sadly, too late for Big Daddy.  Which be bad news for mobster because dere’s nothing worse den an angry kid.  Who happens to be a costumed vigilante.

Paybacks a bitch.  In a purple wig.

Hit Girl and Kick-Ass team up and go after mobster.  Blood!  Bullets! Blades! Bazooka!  And, in de end, we all learn valuable lesson about power, responsibility, and de correkt use of a jet pack shoulder-mounted machine guns.

Verdikt: Wild over-de-top fun!

Rating: 9.5 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies!

Goa’uld-related news: http://www.netbase.com/press-release/netbase-announces-intergalactic-language-support/

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March 25, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews X-Men Origins: Wolverine!

Noooooooooooooooo!  BIRDSEYE VIEW of monster on knees, head trown back, staring up at de sky in anguish while me scream: Nooooooooooooooooo!  DAT pretty much sum up monster’s review of dis movie.  Me know, me know.  Why would monster use such a hackneyed and cliched camera shot to sum up X-Men Origins: Wolverine?  Well, read on…

Noooooooooooo!

Story begin in mid-19th century where sickly kid named James sprout bone claws and kill gardener (who turn out to be his dad) for killing his dad (who turn out not to be his dad and also not a gardener).  CUT TO CHEESY BIRDS-EYE VIEW of kid on knees, head trown back, staring up at de sky, crying out.  Him and his brother run for it…

Blood(y) Brothers

And keep running for it.  In film’s most inspired sekwence, we treated to de two immortal brothers as dey fight, side by side, in WWI, den WWII, den Vietnam, den other clashes.  It made painfully/clumsily obvious dat one brother good, de other bad.  Dey shot by firing squad (immortal too!) – but seem a-okay when military guy, Major William Stryker, pay dem a visit and offer dem a deal.

Brothers (let’s call dem Wolverine and Sabretooth) end up joining team of mutants for special op.  Among de team, fans of Marvel Comics may not rekognize Wade “super ninja” Wilson, aka Deadpool, who turn out to be a pale version of his comic book self…and, eventually, nothing at all like him.  Op leads dem to jungles of South America in search of mystery metal.  Dat where our hero, Wolverine, part ways wit de team – and his angry brother.

Six years later, angry brother kills his old teammate, a carnival hobbit. Why?  Dis never really explained.

Wolverine build new life for himself in de woods wit weird girlfriend who, in one of movie’s most ridikulous scenes, try to seduce him by telling him Native American legend of de Wolverine.  DIS be seksy?  Next day, Stryker show up at his work place and tell him someone killing off de old team members.  Based on de fakt dat one be dead.  Quite de pattern, huh?

Suddenly, Wolverine sense someting.  He find…decapitated wolverine.  ?   And diskover his girlfriend, dead.  Ish.  CUT TO: BIRD’S EYE VIEW of our hero, on his knees, head trown back, screaming.

Noooooooo!

Boy, dat’s good film making.  Good 1990′s film making.

Wolverine track down his brother Sabretooth, to a…well, it supposed to be a bar but it look more like a garage wit some tables and chairs.  Nice work, locations department!  Brothers fight.  Wolverine get beat up.

Always test de temperature of de water before getting in de bath!

Wolverine want revenge!  Stryker offer to make him indestruktible (despite fakt dat he already be pretty damn indestruktible).  He get injekted wit super metal, adamantium, dat coat his skeleton – and, somehow, his claws.  Stryker want to wipe his memory so Wolverine go beast mode and eskape.

Elderly couple diskover him in barn.  And, like most people who come across naked strangers on deir property, dey trust him completely and take him in.

And end up getting killed for it, thus confirming what monster’s grandmother, Grandma Monster, always said: “Nice guys finish dead”.

Stryker blows up barn but movie surprises us wit yet another cheesilicious shot – dis one of our hero racing away while someting explode behind him!

Noooooooooooooo!

Damn.  De only ting missing from dis film be requisite shot of our hero walking slowly away as someting else explodes behind him like -

Noooooooooooo!

Yeah.  Like dat!

Wolverine try to track down Stryker.  For some reason, he have to box former obese teammate for information.  He track down another mutant, Gambit, who less Remy LeBeau from de comic books and more a steampunk stage magician.

Finally, Wolverine track Stryker down to sekret lab where he be holding a bunch of innocent mutants and….SURPRIZE!- his girlfriend who not really dead AND a mutant!  Shocking, no?  Meh.  Marginally interesting?  Meh.

While Wolverine frees prisoners, he and his brother team up against…Deadpool!

No!  Not Deadpool!  Some stoopid movie version of Deadpool who have sword claws and a bunch of other mutant powers.  What de Fudgee-o?

Just becuz dey call him Deadpool don’t make him Deadpool

Wolverine decapitate him.  Meanwhile, his girlfriend have chance to kill Stryker but she not do it becuz…Yep, you guessed it!…dat would make her no better den him.  Movie also does a great job ham-fisting other cliche beats: brothers’ love/hate relationship, “Me didn’t sign up for dis!” speech, “You’re not an animal – Oh, yes you are!” moment, and “You don’t have to do this” appeal.  Monster not sure, but me even remember a “I’m getting too old for dis” chestnut.

Young Professor X show up as mutant prisoners eskape and offer to help dem.  Really?  AFTER dey eskape?!  Nice timing, baldy!

VERDIKT: Nooooooooooooooo!  Wolverine and Sabretooth brothers? Silver Sable and White Queen Sisters?  And Deadpool…some other charakter entirely?  A movie dat tinks it be A LOT more clever den it aktually be.

RATING: 4.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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March 18, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Watchmen!

Who watches de Watchmen?  Well, Monster for one.  All 3+ hours of direktor’s cut.  It longer den a superbowl halftime show and inklude raspy-voice narration dat, at first, gimme flashback to craptakular Spirit – BUT, ultimately, monster like dis movie.  A lot.  It be smart, engaging, and thought-provoking.  For instance, scene where Nite Owl and Silk Spectre save people from apartment fire make monster wonder “Hey, did me forget to turn de stove off before me left apartment?”.  It also a visually spekatular movie full of beautifully composed shots and sekwences.  Dis Zack Snyder guy know what he doing.  If me ever find monster after my own heart (to love, not to devour so dat rule out chupacabra girl who always eyeing me outside Mr. Hooper’s shop), me want to hire Zack to shoot de wedding video. And, if necessary, dat chupacabra girl.  But only if he firearm trained.

De Comedian say: “Ha ha. Joke on you, mofo!”

Movie open wit de death of de Comedian, a superhero who, despite his name, not very hilarious.  If Oscar de Grouch and Lindsay Lohan had love child, he would be de result.  Anyway, he get thrown out apartment and plunge to his death by VERY strong mystery attacker (hmmmm) – which segue into brilliant opening credit sekwence dat reveal backstory of dis Alternate Universe Earth where superheroes exist but outlawed by Richard Nixon who got voted into office six times (!), all accompanied to tune of Times Dey Are A Changing by Matt’s father, Bob.

Roarshack: Oooh! Ooh! Mr. Kottah! Mr. Kottah! Oooh! Ooh!

We introduced to a guy who dress up like a incognito ink blot.  His name be Roarshack.  He keep a written journal and movie interspersed wit his gravely-voiced entries.  But, luckily, only de interesting ones (ie. September 12: Baloney for dinner again.  Forgot to pick up milk.  Next time, remember: Milk.  Dozen eggs.  Pop tarts.)  He investigate death of Comedian and pay visit to an old friend, Dan (aka Nite Owl II) who hang out wit an even older friend, Hollis (aka Nite Owl I), and warn him about possible superhero-killer.  Also pay a visit to super rich businessman and former hero Ozzy to warn him.  Finally, he drop in on blue, occasionally pants-less energy guy Dr. Manhattan, and his girlfriend, Silk Spektre to warn dem.  But dat de least of deir problems. Doc Manhattan can see de future.  Possible nuclear armaggedon on de horizon!

Dr. M. Why so blue?

Comedian buried while we flashback to origins of dese heroes.  Ozzy tried and failed to unite heroes into policing force like Team America World Police.  Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre having relationship issues becuz she needy and he emotionless douchebag.  So she end up hooking up with Dan Nite Owl while Doc help Ozzy build nuclear energy plants for poor people.  Awwww.

During live interview, Dr. Manhattan ambushed by reporter.  Reveal his best friend died of cancer, and his ex-girlfriend now suffering from de disease.  Did he cause it?  He be radioactive?!  Why he always shirtless?  Doc M get annoyed and leave Earth for more laid back surroundings of Mars.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Russia mobolizes its forces.  World on brink of nuclear armaggedon!

Nite Owl.  De Dark Squire.

Roarshack continues his investigation.  Suspekts someone is targeting superheroes.  Ozzy avoids assassination attempt.  Roarshack set up while following a lead and sent to prison where he kick convikt ass and demonstrate improper use of hot kitchen grease (Check it out if you always wondering what to do wit dat leftover oil).  He finally get sprung by Nite Owl and Silk Spectre who don their own costumes and KICK ASS!  While dis going on, Hollis, de original Nite Owl, get attacked by street gang and killed.  It be one of movie’s best sekwences, wit Hollis punching gang members who transform into de various supervillains he fought in his past.  Great!

Silk Spectre.  Close, but her boyfriend gets the award for “least dressed superhero”.

Silk Spectre travel to Mars with Doc Manhattan and plead wit him to save Earth, setting up another brilliant sekwence in which Doc M. diskusses de concept of time.  Meanwhile, Roarshack and Nite Owl follow leads and diskover individual behind death of Comedian, attack of Ozzy, setting up Roarshack, and giving cancer to Dr. Manhattan’s friends be…Ozzy!  In de words of Lou Diamond Philips: “Holy Shnikeys!”.

Nite Owl and Roarhack travel to Ozzy’s Antarctic base where he beat de crap out of dem and den reveal his master plan: to detonate nuclear facilities around de world.  Roarshack and Nite Owl vow to stop him – at which point Ozzy point out he not your stereotypical villain who reveal his plan so dat heroes can stop him.  Dey already too late.

Major cities have been destroyed including New York!  Energy signature connected to Dr. Manhattan!

Ozzy. Evil genius or misunderstood evil genius?

Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre also show up – but too late to do anyting.  World now united (Hurray!) against greater enemy: Dr. Manhattan (B00!). Earth has pulled back from brink of nuclear armaggedon (Hurray!) = just like Ozzy planned (Boo!).  He sacrifice millions to save billions!  Everyone realize dey better off not revealing de truth.  Except for Roarshack, so he get blown up for his troubles.

Verdikt: Long but great movie, smart and visual spektacular.  But at times, Snyder a little too true to de original comic book and, as a result, Roarshack end up being de only charakter wit any true depth.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

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March 11, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Spirit!

Watching The Spirit be like being trapped in elevator wit chatty, pompous – albeit well-dressed – douchebag suffering from explosive diarrhea.  For 90+ excruciating minutes. Forget waterboarding; dis film be worser cruel and inhuman punishment.  By de point where Samuel L. Jackson strut onto stage in gestapo Nazi regalia to deliver arch, long-winded speech, me already blubbering, broken monster ready to give up anyting to make it stop.

Gabriel Macht’s most memorable role since he played part of Tal Weaver in Beverly Hills 90210

Movie open on cheesy voice-over delivered by De Spirit, a superhero trying very hard to do his best gravely-voiced Batman imitation.  He yammer on about his city as we be treated to silly stylized shots of him beating up muggers.  We learn everyting dat on his mind…becuz he tell us.  Constantly!  Throughout dis entire movie, we subjekted to his annoying voice-overs in which he tell us exaktly what he be tinking – even though it already be pretty obvious.  After a while, you want to shout at de screen: “We know all dis!  Shut de F up and get on wit de movie!”

Spirit arrive on scene of shooting.  He help cop pull detective out of lake.  Spirit point out: “He’s still breathing.”  Yeah, no kidding.  Guy be moving around and clearly conscious so chances are good he’s still breathing, you idiot.  Monster suspekt his heart beating too!  Why not point dat out as well?  Suddenly, dey ambushed by villain, de Octopus, who trow a big chunk of rock at Spirit’s head –  but not before yelling “Heads up!” so dat Spirit have ample warning.

De Spirit and Octopus face off in one of de stoopidest over-de-top mud fight sekwences in cinematic history complete wit giant wrenches, toilets, and big floppy hats.  Two tings be pretty obvious here: 1) both dese guys be indestruktible, and 2) Frank Miller should never be allowed to direkt another movie.  Octopus eskape wit help from his side kick, sexy Silken Floss and clone thugs.

Dr. Octopus?

Shot detective die but Spirit recover locket he be clutching.  Turn out locket belong to Sans Serif (not to be confused wit de font), a girl he grew up wit and still loves.  How we know dis?  Becuz we treated to corny flashback.  AND de point hammered home by more pointless voice-over.  Spirit decide he have to find her.  We know dis becuz he tells us in another voice-over.  And becuz he aktually tries to find her.

Cut to Octopus’s sewer lair where he, dressed up as samurai and Silken dressed up as kimono for reasons known only to direktor, kill off clone thugs while offering expository info dump.  He be after a vase holding de blood of Heracles dat will make him immortal.  And Sans Serif holding de goods!

We introduced to more boring charakters: a detektive and his daughter, de Medical Examiner, who madly in love wit Spirit – even tho she not know his real name.  Monster’s money be on Boring McTedious.

San Serif drop in on creepy businessman and force him to commit suicide, leaving behind her calling card.  A “Z” like Zorro?  Nope.  A photocopy of her ass.

While Octopus back at his lab checking out a cloned hopping foot wit a tiny head on top (Monster not making dis up), Spirit track San Serif down to hotel room.  He surprize her and she get upset and accidentally push him too hard – and out window.  He get coat snagged on de way down and we treated to “hilarious” sekwence of him, wit his pants down around his ankles, trying to use his belt to snag a lifeline.

More inner monologue.  He somehow end up in sewers (Well, dat was easy!) where Silken walk up to him and injekt him wit drug, knocking him out.  Well, dat was even easier!

He wake up tied to chair in front of giant stage where sword-wielding belly-dancer sashay before him.  But she only de opening akt!  Next up, Octopus come out dressed as Nazi and give loooong speech, den order belly-dancer to kill Spirit.

What de Fudgee-o going on here?

LUCKILY, Spirit happen to know belly dancer and, instead of killing him, she free him.  What are de chances?!  She help him eskape, den stick him wit sword becuz, apparently, it was a bad break up.

Samuel L. Jackson furry cosplay.

Octopus orchestrate exchange wit San Serif.  But, before he can get vase, he double-cross her.  Why?  Why not just conklude de deal and take de vase he be desperately after dis entire movie?  Why risk everyting?  Why?  Becuz dat what de skript say of course!

Spirit arrive!  Den cops!  Shootout!  Vase broken and blood of Heracles spilled (Seriously, if it be dat important to you, why not just lick it off de ground?).  Spirit stick a grenade in Octopus and he explode. Nothing left of him but a finger – dat Silken take for safekeeping.  And possible cloning.

Spirit kiss Sans Serif goodbye and confirm his love for Medical Examiner.  Even tho she still not know his name.

Cue annoying ending voice-over monologue.

Verdikt: A ridikulous, pretentious, boring, annoyingly self-indulgent wankfest.  But pretty to look at!

Rating: 3 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

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March 4, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Dark Knight!

Tree tings monster hate most in dis world: injustice, poverty, and movies dat run more den two hours.  Unless film be based on musty Russian novel, it have no business being so long.  Seriously!  Your movie be about a guy running around town in a cape punching people. It not exaktly Anna Carnita or Dr. Chicago.

Still Dark Knight be pretty good movie.  In many ways, it be better den first movie in series.  In other ways, it be worse. Specifically, in small, stoopid, “dis makes no sense” ways.

De last clown you want showing up to your kid’s birtday party

Movie begin wit bank heist.  Robbers wit clown masks break in, den start killing each other off becuz dey were told to.  Of course, anyone wit half a brain would realize “Hey, someone tell me to kill off my bank robbing buddy, MEBBE someone telling my bank robbing buddy to kill me too!”.  Only one guy come to dis conklusion – but only eventually AFTER de heist.  And he get creamed by school bus.

Last surviving bank robber remove clown mask to reveal…clown face! Let’s call him…Mr. Giggleshiv!  No.  Bozomofo!  No.  De Joker!  He climb into bus and den, presumably because he called ahead to get bus schedule, he merge into line of school buses driving by.  He merge into traffik BY DRIVING OUT OF A DESTROYED BANK!  You would tink someone might notice?  Find it odd?  Moving on…

Legend of de Batman keeping bad guys running scared.  But Batman not de only good guy in Gotham.  District Attorney Harvey Dent also getting quite de rep as criminal ass-kicker.  Heads of different crime faktions get together to complain about him.  Meeting get crashed by Joker who do cool magik trick, den offer to kill Batman for half deir money.  And he not take no for an answer.

Batman travel to Hong Kong where he kidnap some accountant as part of useless storyline dat go absolutely nowhere and add nothing to main story.

Meanwhile, Joker start causing trouble in Gotham.  He poison Commissioner Leob wit acid.  He blow up judge.  And what Batman movie would be complete witout ubiquitous scene of bad guy crashing fancy soiree?  Joker show up at big shingding for Harvey Dent.  Batman also show up but Joker get away by pulling de ole “trow de girl out de window” gag.

But Joker strike again.  He make attempt on Harvey Dent in broad daylight.  Batman’s buddy, Jim Gordon, get shot and killed.  No, we not see body but police break news to poor, grieving wife so he obviously dead.  Right?

Assistant to assistant of de assistant DA, Rachel Dawes, have quiet moment wit Bruce where he tell her he going to reveal his sekret identity.  Dey kiss.  Wait?  What?!  Who dis woman?  How she know his identity?  Monster not recognize her at all!  No.  Wait.  It be different aktress playing part of Bruce’s love interest/perpetual damsel in dis dress from first movie.  Oh, me get it now.  She better den last aktress at akting, but worse den her at staying alive.

At press conference, Harvey Dent admit…HE Batman.  And arrested. Hunh?  If Bruce in on dis ruse, why he tell Rachel HE going to admit to being Batman?  If he not in on ruse, why he not speak up?

Joker end up attacking convoy transporting “Batman”, just like Harvey planned.  Batman crash de party and Jim Gordon show up in nick of time and capture Joker.  Wait!  What?  Jim Gordon alive?!  But police told his wife he be dead!  Cue scene where Jim tell his wife he sorry but he couldn’t tell her de truth.  Why not?  Mebbe she a blabbermouth who can’t be trusted?

Harvey and Rachel missing.  Batman interrogate Joker.  He tell Batman where to find dem, but he can only save one.  Only one!  Why?  Why not call someone who be in de area and save both?

Gordon race to scene where Rachel being held – but too late.  She get blown up.  Batman save Harvey – who end up wit an ouchy on his face…

Ouchy!

To top tings off, Joker eskape from interrogation room by…well, we not sure how.   Presumably, he overpower Detective Bullock?  We just have to take his word for it.  He blow up police station by triggering phone bomb in his thug’s stomach.  Whew.  Good ting police metal detektor broken dat day!

Joker threaten to blow up hospital!  Dressed up as nurse, he pay visit to Harvey and talk some nonsense into him.  He offer to let Harvey kill him.  Crazy Harvey, flip a coin – and let him live.

City in chaos!  No one can leave becuz Joker hint he may have rigged bridges and tunnels wit explosives!

Harvey start taking revenge on dose responsible for death of Rachel (except guy directly responsible, de Joker).  He surprise mobster in back of his car, flip his coin to see if he shoot him or not.  Mobster luck out.  Coin say no.  So Harvey shoot driver instead, causing car to crash. Huh?  Why driver not deserve coin flip?  He just a guy doing his job!

Only way out of Gotham is by ferry.  Knowing dis, police make a point of checking it for explosives send dem on deir way.  And, guess what? Dey diskover explosives on board!  Dey also find box containing detonator.  Dis result in most stoopidest clumsy line in movie when guy ask: “Why would they give us the detonator to our own bomb?”. OUR OWN bomb?.  Why would he say dis?  Becuz dere be ANOTHER ferry out dere wit ANOTHER bomb!  Aktually, no.  Dere be no reason for him to say dis.  It sound like a line de studio added “for clarity” and it just end up making even less sense.

Passengers on both ferries told dey have detonator to other ferry’s bomb.  If dey trigger other bomb, dey save demselves.  If dey don’t choose, dey all die!

Batman track down Joker to high-rise.  Exciting showdown ensue. Batman capture Joker and foil his attempt to blow up ferries. Passengers on both ferries do de right ting and don’t blow each other up.  We have all learned valuable lesson today about de human spirit and de power of love to conquer -

But wait!  It not over!  Harvey Dent kidnap Jim Gordon’s family!  He going to get his revenge on Gordon becuz…er…becuz…Jim Gordon…uh…becuz Harvey be crazy.

But Batman arrive in nick of time!  He save Gordon and co., killing (?) Harvey/Two-Face.  He and Gordon decide to publikly lie and accuse de innocent Batman of Harvey’s murder so dat, uh, Harvey can remain symbol for truth and justice.  By lying and accusing an innocent man. Truth and justice.  Okie dokie.

Verdikt: Overall a pretty good movie if you squint at de little stoopidities.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

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February 25, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Hellboy II: The Golden Army!

Monster pleasantly surprised by first Hellboy so, of course, me expeckt less of de same from de sekwel becuz, after all, it be a sewkwel. Remember Hangover II?  Blues Brothers 2000?  Citizen Kane II: The Quickening?  But Hellboy II: The Golden Army out-surprise de first Hellboy.  It a movie wit even more heart, even more humor, even more spekatcular visual effekts – but also, at times, even more problems.

Big Red

Movie begin wit old professor telling young Hellboy legend of The Golden Army.  It go someting like dis:  Humans jerks so goblins build mekanical army for King of Elves who use it to kick ass.  Truce called and magik crown dat control army get broken into tree pieces.  Dis piss off young elf Prince Nuada who go into exile to sulk.

High five!

But he not sulk for long.  Mebbe only a few centuries.  And when a piece of de crown show up at auktion, he also show up to claim it – and sic creepy little flying “tooth fairy” creatures on everyone.  He den pay his dad, de King, a visit and kill him to get second piece of crown.  But his twin sister, Princess Nuala, run away wit final piece, spoiling brother’s plans.

It’s de wraith!  I mean de elves!

BPRD (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense) , not to be confused wit BURPED (Bureau for Underwater Paranormal Research and Defense), arrive on scene of auction massakre to investigate, get attacked, and outed.  Now everyone know Hellboy and co. really exist! Cool, no?  How will dis play out in rest of movie?  Oh, it not?  Den never mind.

Government upset, so send in new agent to join Hellboy and co.  DIS guy -

Krauss blow his top.

Johann Krauas be a steampunk German ectoplasmic medium wit attitude.  He be annoying at first but, over course of movie, monster really warm up to him.  In fakt, entire BPRD team – Hellboy, Liz, Abe, Johann, even Tom Manning (played by Jeffrey Tamborine) – be unique, interesting, very likable charakters.  So monster perplexed dat main villain, Prince Nuada, be so dull.  Oh, he very interesting to look at and his fight scenes be great but, at end of de day, he not be partikularly sympathetic or despicable.  He just a little bland.

BPRD visit Troll City where dey find Princess Nuala and bring her back to headquarters.  She flirt wit Abe Sapien who fall head over flippers in love wit her.  Despite being covered in prostetiks, aktor Doug Jones practically steal de movie, delivering terrifik performance as Abe (who could be love child of Fraiser’s Niles Crane and Creature from de Black Lagoon).  In one of movie’s highpoints, Abe and Hellboy bond, booze and brood over deir respektive relationships.  BUT fun time interrupted by Prince Nuada who track down his sister.  Becuz dey be twins, he able to locate her and comes close to finding final piece of magik crown hidden in a book -

When good guys show up.  Prince Nuada fight Hellboy, stick him wit point of magik spear, kidnap his sis and leave.

Broken spear point stuck in Hellboy.  He dying!  Liz, Hellboy and Abe – wit surprize help from Johann – steal plane and go get help.  Dey end up coming across monster who happen to want de spear point and happen to know someone who can get it out (yeah, yeah, me know, me know.  It be a stretch).  Our heroes pay visit to second cousin of creature from Pan’s Labyrinth -

Pan’s Labyrinth?  No.  Dat’s de other guy.

He remove spear point from Hellboy but warn dat, one day, Hellboy will destroy Earth.  But dat’s a story for another time…

Showdown!

Hellboy, Liz, Abe, and Johann track down Prince Nuada and sis.  Abe give up final piece of crown which allow Nuada to awaken Golden Army. Big fight ensue!  Our heroes about to get deir asses kicked when Hellboy challenge Nuada for de crown.  Dey duel.  Hellboy win!  Nuada a sore loser and about to get all stabby-stabby on Hellboy when Princess Nuala stab herself, mortally wounding both her and her brother.  Becuz dat’s what happens when you’re a twin.

Our heroes eskape.  Liz inform Hellboy dat he going to be a dad – of twins!  And Johann Krauss deliver best line of entire movie:

Verdikt: More heart, more humor, more spektacular visual effekts but weak villain and a few contrived moments.  Still, sooper entertaining. Me tink Abe deserve his own spin-off.  Or late night talk show.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

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February 11, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Incredible Hulk (2008)!

This movie be improvement over first Hulk film de way a bad cold be improvement over Type A influenza.  In retrospekt, you not want to subject yourself to either but, hey, in dis case beggars Supermovie of de Week Club reviewers can’t be choosers.  Still, whereas first movie be uniformly stoopid-ridikulous throughout, dis Hulk movie start off entertaining-promising before shifting gears to dull-prediktable and finally downshifting to stoopid-ridikulous for last turd.

Bruce Banner invent formula dat give South American cola all de taste wit only half de calories!

Sekwel pick up where first movie leave off.  Bruce Banner now living incognito in Rio de Janeiro (just like Grover after he knock up Swedish Chef’s niece Torbjorg!).  He work at South Amerikan soda plant where duties inklude fixing tings and pissing off co-workers wit his gringo ways.  Off-hours, he enjoy spending time wit his dog, meditating to control his heart rate, and trying to find cure for his Hulkitis.  BUT one day, he cut himself at work and drop of blood contaminate a bottle.  It end up getting shipped to U.S. where it unwittingly get drinked by Stan Lee (Seriously.  Dese Stan Lee cameos be best ting about dese movies!).  Before you can say “Excelsior!”, word get out and General Thunderbolt Ross dispatch army to GET HIM!

Army ambush Banner.  Chase ensue – part of which take dem across rooftops of favela (Brazilian shantytown).  Dis, of course, be a scene required for every movie dat shoot in Rio.  Eventually, Bruce cornered in bottling plant where he beaten up by co-workers he happen to come across.   He Hulk Out, kick some ass, and disappear.

He awaken some time later in Guatemala where he ask some guy for a lift.  A couple of scenes later, Bruce be back in U.S. wit new clothes. How dis possible?  Did he have cash and fake visa stashed away somewhere?  Did sekret anonymous benefaktor make arrangents?  Or did guy give him lift all de way from Guatemala in his jeep?  We never find out but it would be nice to know.

It be at dis point in de movie when tings get a lot less interesting. Bruce make contakt wit his old girlfriend, Betty.  But Betty’s new boyfriend, Phil Dumphy from Modern Family, find dis uncool and report him to General Ross.  Army be dispatched.  Bruce Hulk Out!  More middling visual effekts!  And, again Hulk get away (although monster seriously wonder where, exaktly, giant green guy can hide even if he can jump really far).

Bruce eventually hook up wit Betty again and dey track down mysterious Mr. Blue who working on serum to cure Bruce of Hulkism (also work on psoriasis!).  He try it on Bruce and it work!  At which point lab crashed by army!  Bruce and Betty on de run – but get captured.  Meanwhile, crazy soldier stay behind and force Mr. Blue to injekt him wit Banner’s blood. He mutate into…an Abomination!  Giant, grey and bony!  But, unlike Hulk, he speak perfekt English and still get to keep his quaint English accent.

General Ross learn about Abomination rampage.  Bruce tell him only way to stop him be by letting him Hulk Out.  Ross say okie-doke.  BUT Bruce took serum!  It possible for him to turn back into Hulk?  How to know?  Run on de spot until heart rate go up?  Cut himself?  Get soldier to slap him around?  No!  He trow himself out of a helikopter! HUH?!!

Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you?

Cue silly monster fight.  Hulk win and about to kill Abomination when Betty scream: “No!” and make Hulk stop.  Not sure why.  Mebbe she want to adopt adorable psychotic mutant?  Who wouldn’t?!

Movie end in British Columbia where Bruce able to control his heart rate for 31 days – and den Hulk Out!

Movie also end wit Tony Stark approach General Ross in a bar about “putting a team together”.  What could he be talking about?!  All superhero volleyball dream team for next Olympics?  Monster so excited!

Verdikt: Not terrible but not good.  Dis movie be about as enjoyable as your kid’s piano recital.  (Pleaze don’t lie to yourself).

Rating: 5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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