Get this kid some fish oil!  How to spot a murderer’s brain | Science | The Observer

The Top 5 Underrated Sci-Fi Movie Masterpieces – Video – TIME.com  Anything to add?

“He goes down onto one knee and collapses sideways onto the floor. He rolls onto his back, arms splayed and palms up. He’s making sounds that are hard to transcribe. Mostly vowels.” Now THAT is spicy!  The Gut-Wrenching Science Behind the World’s Hottest Peppers | Science & Nature | Smithsonian Magazine

See, this is why I never drink scotch at TGI Fridays: Scores of TGI Fridays in New Jersey ‘busted for selling caramel-colored rubbing alcohol as… www.dailymail.co.ukInvestigators went to 63 New Jersey establishments they suspected were scamming customers, ordered drinks neat and then covertly took samples for testing. Of 150 samples collected, 30 were not the brand as which they were being sold.

“Touch Woody…the Internet Pecker”.  The 6 Most Baffling Marketing Disasters by Famous Companies

Which comics supervillain really deserves a shot on the big screen?

My pick = Rainbow Rider!

Bon Appetite!  http://www.buzzfeed.com/h2/shfke/kevintang/11-horrifying-facts-about-your-groceries

From the What the Hell Were They Thinking files: Best and worst band photos

For all you wrestling fans.  Yes, you know who you are!  The 5 Greatest Unscripted Disasters in Pro Wrestling

My new $175 paperweight.

My old high school buddy, Cas, has been staying with us this past week or so and, as a thank you for hosting him, he bought me a new wireless printer.  I told him he didn’t have to do it, that I was perfectly happy with my old, dependable plug and print, but he insisted it was time to move on.  Think of all the time I’d save printing from anywhere in the house with just the push of a button.  Despite my protests, he bought me an HP 6600 series, just like he has at home.  And, after setting it up, we were good to go!  All I had to do was print a test page from my laptop and I would finally enter the 21st century.  I selected print and -

Nothing.  I waited.  A little onscreen window informed me that the printer was busy and that it would attempt to reconnect in another five seconds.  Busy?  Doing what?  It was just sitting there!  Five seconds later, the little onscreen window informed me that the printer was still busy, but that it would attempt to reconnect in another ten seconds. Then, thirty seconds.  ”Make sure to add the new printer to your computer,”Cas advised.  Silly me.  Of course!  I went into my printer settings, input the IP address for the new printer, hit print and -

Nothing.  I waited.  The little onscreen window informed that the printer was busy and that it would attempt to reconnect in another five seconds.  ”Here,”said Cas handing me the software disc that came with the printer.  ”Install the driver.”  So I slid the disc into my Mac, clicked the little install icon and -

Nothing.  Another little window popped up, informing me that the HP software was not compatible with my Mac (he’s Baptist, she’s Southern Methodist) and that the installer required MAC OS X version 10.6 or later.  ”No problem,”I said.  ”I’ll just hit the old “Software Update” option on my Mac and then, it’ll be smooooooooth sailing.  So I hit the software update and -

Nothing.  My software is, apparently, up to date.  ”You need to go online and download the driver from the HP site,”Cas suggested.  So I went to the HP site, downloaded the Mac version of the driver for the 6600 series.  I got rid of my old, potentially confusing printer settings. My laptop detected the new printer.  Bingo!  I hit print and -

Nothing.  I went back to my printer settings and added the new IP address.  Hit print.

Nothing.  My new printer was, apparently, unable to connect…but perfectly willing to retry in 5, 10, and 30 seconds increments.  Worse still, an annoying pop-up window started to appear, unprompted, to inform me that the “Application HP Device Monitor Quit Unexpectedly”, offering me the choice to “Quit”, “Report”, or “Relaunch”.  Okay, I thought, and clicked “Quit”.  Seconds later, the warning popped up once again.  Again, I hit “Quit” and, seconds later, it reappeared.  I clicked “Relaunch”.  The window reappeared within seconds.  I settled on “Report”.  And still the window reappeared.  No matter what I clicked, it just kept reappearing, annoyingly persistent as an ad for Hangover III.  ”Maybe you need to reboot,”suggested Cas.

Ah, reboot – the last refuge of the weak, the desperate, and the technologically inept.  I was all three, so who was I to argue?  Within seconds of rebooting my laptop, the window popped up once again. Exasperated, I turned things over to our resident all-around expert, google, and was promptly directed to a forum where I was offered instructions on uninstalling the HP software.  Which I did.

While I’d love to admit my incompetence and tell you I’m back at “square one”, the truth is that, having wiped my original printer settings and unable to find the set-up disc for my old printer, I’m actually worse off now than when I began.  So what can I do now if I need something printed?

That’s right.  Absolutely nothing.

A SIDEBAR ON MY SIDEBAR -

May I direct your attention to my sidebar to the right of this text.  It’s chock full of interesting goodies like…

A handy search option that allows you to  seek out specific subjects I’ve covered in past blog entries like “Atlantis”, “SG-1″, and “Crispy prawn head recipe”.

A drop down Archives section allows you peruse past entries by month.  Look!  December 27th!  My Snow Monkeys are world champs!

A section dedicated to our Supermovie of the Week Club gives you a rundown of the superhero-themed movies up for review and discussion in the next few weeks.  Looks like the Green Lantern is up next, with this blog’s resident film critic, Cookie Monster, weighing in with his review on Monday, May 27th.

The Stuff I’ve Worked On section lets you know the projects I’ve worked on the last ten years or so.  I hope to add one or two (maybe more!) to this section before year’s end.

Consult my Watching window to find out what I’m currently viewing. At the moment, I’m halfway through the second season of Girls.

Consult my Recently Watched window to find out what I’ve just finished viewing – most recently, the second season of Downton Abbey. Damn, I can’t believe how much I love this show.  I was planning to jump on a couple of other shows before moving on to Downton Abbey’s third season (I figured it would make the looong wait for season four more bearable), but I’ve been suffering withdrawal pangs and fear I won’t be able to hold out past the weekend.  Wonderful characters, especially Maggie Smith’s Dowager Countess.  I ♥ Violet Crawley.

A little further down you can check out what I’m Currently Reading.  At present, I’m doubling up on true crime.

And, below that, you can peruse my list of Recently Read titles.  A lot of true crime in there as well in addition to David Sedaris’s latest and the terrific first book of a new-to-me fantasy trilogy: Robin Hobb’s Assassin’s Apprentice.  Great stuff.  I’ll be ordering the next two books.

And, finally, a list of Categories.  Want to read through all of my Fantasty Football-related entries?  No problem.  Just click on the Fantasy Football.

Mailbag:

Kathode writes: “Did your mom really tear your exercise book in half?!? (Or were you taking poetic license in writing that?) Was she THAT angry at you for quitting, or was the book-tear merely a clever dramatic show intended to guilt you into keeping on with your piano lessons? Have you discussed this with your mother since you’ve become an adult, to get her side of the story? Does she even remember this incident? I am fascinated with this story. I want to know more.”

Answer: Oh, she did tear it in half.  And cried.  And made my sister cry.  When I asked her about the incident years ago, she drew a blank.

dasndanger writes: “So, can you play the piano?”

Answer: Yes, I’m able to play all five songs I happen to remember from back in the day.

Ponytail writes: “How is Bubba’s paw healing?”

Answer: Bubba is back to his old lazy, anxiety-prone, walk-loving self. Thanks for asking!

luis811 writes: “Can you get the recipe for Cas workout Shake?????”

Answer: Mixed frozen berries, fresh pineapple, banana, pomegranate juice, cranberry juice, one lime (rind and all), toasted oats, greek yogurt.

JeffW writes: “We made the Sancocho a couple of days ago and we enjoyed it…very gumbo like. Did you try the Gouda grilled cheese with it? It made for a nice “soup” and sandwich combo.”

Airelle writes: “Joe forgot to ask, are you packed for a trip to LA?”

Answer: Not yet.  Paul and I should be making plans early next week.

Answer: I had the sancocho with cheddar and havarti grilled cheese (and steak and chicken and avocado and caramelized onions) sandwiches.

Delicious!

Today’s entry is dedicated to Bethany!

A twenty dollar gift certificate?  Surely, she was mistaken.  I’ve had a Chapters/Indigo irewards card that has allowed me to save on my purchases for years – a not insignificant amount since I’m one of those individuals who still prefers the feel of a real book over the ethereal tidiness of a digital copy.  Not only that but I’m a spontaneous shopper when it comes to books, often picking up anywhere from six to a dozen titles a visit based solely on what captures my interest on the day: the cover, the write-up on the book jacket, the recommendation of some passerby.

“You DID have a reward card that let you save on purchases,”the cashier informed me after checking on her computer, “but it expired last year.  Your new card lets you earn points toward certificates up to a $100.”

WTF?  Why the hell would I switch to an obviously far less advantageous card? Well, the simple answer is: “I wouldn’t”!  Who knows how much money I could have saved over the last year if the store had done me the service, as a long-standing loyal customer, of NOT CHEATING ME.

“We can switch you back to your original membership card,”offered the cashier.  ”For a thirty-five dollar annual fee.”

Really?  So let me get this straight: They expect ME to PAY THEM for the privilege of giving them my business?

Yeah.

No.

Hey, I’ve got an even better idea.  Do you know what would save me even more money than purchasing an ireward membership card with a thirty-five dollar annual fee?

Doing all my shopping online through Amazon.com from here on in.

Apologies to those who have joined me on this blog-sponsored culinary odyssey.  We’ve been working our way through some inspired recipes provided by blog regulars and, to date, have prepared Puerco Pibil and Chicken Breast with Brown Butter and Sage Leaves without burning down the kitchen.  Last week, we were supposed to tackle Shiny’s sancocho (I’ll step in preemptively here to say – Das, get your mind out of the gutter!) but I didn’t get around to it until yesterday. Apologies!

So, how was it?  Well, to be honest, I wasn’t expecting much beyond “good”.  The ingredients sounded weirdly uncomplimentary.  Sausage and plantain?  Gnocci and shrimp?  Beans and cabbage?  I was, admittedly, dubious.  But, boy, did this dish deliver.  It was nothing short of fabulous!  The myriad ingredients worked incredibly well together, offering layers of flavor and texture.  Akemi loved it too and we both ended up eating waaaay too much.  This is a dish we’ll definitely be adding to the rotation!

Looking ahead to next week, let’s try a little dessert…

Jeff and Barb’s White Chocolate Cheesecake recipe:

CRUST INGREDIENTS:

1-1/2 cups Keebler Graham cracker crumbs
½-Cup White Chocolate Morsels
2/3 cup melted butter
1/2 cup sugar

Mix the crumbs, morsels and sugar and then add the melted butter. Mix thoroughly and then let sit. After a couple of minutes, mix again. Spray the sides of your 10” springform pan with cooking spray and crimp parchment paper over the bottom of the pan (trim excess paper from the bottom side of the pan). Dump the mixture into the pan and press it down into a level, flat disc that covers the bottom. Put the pan with crust into a freezer to prepare for the next step (this will harden the crust and create a nicely defined boundary between the crust and cream-cheese filling). You will end up with a crust around 1/3 inch thick.

The cheesecake batter will be made in two batches; one batch of regular cheesecake batter and one batch of white chocolate cheesecake batter. We’ll start with the regular first:

2 warm packages cream cheese
¼-cup sour cream
¼-stick butter (2 Tbsp)
2 eggs
1-1/2 Tbsp Lemon Juice
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 tsp. almond extract
3/4 cups sugar

Preheat oven to 350.

Start by melting in a micro-wave a 1/4 stick of butter (use a 20 or 30% power setting at 30 second increments to avoid boiling the butter). Then add the result to your mixing bowl. Combine the ingredients and use a mixer to blend them until free from lumps.

n.b. – some cream cheeses will produce small, BB-sized pellets of cream cheese when mixed (most notably, Lucerne Cream Cheese seems to behave this way). This is not necessarily a problem and can add texture and flavor to your cake so don’t be concerned if this happens to your batter. These cream cheeses also seem to have less of a tendency to crack while cooling.

Now, dump the batter into your pan on top of the crust. Try to level it with a spatula. It doesn’t have to be perfect; some leveling will occur during baking.

Now we’ll make the White Chocolate Batter.

2 warm packages cream cheese
¼-cup sour cream
¼-stick butter
1/2 cup of white chocolate morsels
2 eggs
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
2 tsp. almond extract
¾-cups sugar

Same as you did for the regular batter, start by micro-waving the 1/4 stick of butter. After the butter is melted, add in the White Chocolate Morsels (stir) and then micro-wave in 30 second increments at 20 or 30% power until you achieve a pudding like consistency. Remember to stir the mixture in between heating sessions. When thoroughly melted, add the resulting mixture to your mixing bowl. Combine the rest of the ingredients and use a mixer to blend them until free from lumps (see note above about lumps).

Now, dump the batter into your pan on top of the regular batter, leveling it with a spatula.

Bake for 15 minutes at 350, and then reduce the heat to 250 and bake for another 90 minutes. Be sure to place a catch pan under the cheesecake to catch any butter that may leak out.

Overcooking or fast cooling can cause cracking of the cheesecake. Proper cooking time and cooling is essential to avoiding this. Some experimentation may be necessary to “dial-in” how your oven cooks at these low temperatures. Start with proper cooling; once the cooking time is done, turn off the oven and prop the oven door open a few inches and allow it to cool for three hours (overnight is preferred). If cracking occurs, then on the next cheesecake, reduce the cooking time by 10 minutes (up to a maximum of 15 minutes). If cracking still occurs, try changing cream cheese brands. Baking multiple cheesecakes can also affect this (more cheesecakes means more cooking time), so you could find that two cheesecakes baked together will not crack, while one by itself will. In this case, reduce the cooking time by 10 or 15 minutes for the single cheesecake.

After cooling, use a butter-knife to separate the side of the cheesecake from the side of the springform-pan and then pop the side of the pan (if you don’t separate it first, some of the cheesecake will inevitably stick to the side of the pan and crack the cake when released). Cover and refrigerate at least three hours or better yet, overnight (you may want to wait until after refrigerating to separate the cake from the pan as the cake will be “harder” and separate more cleanly at this stage).

STRAWBERRY SAUCE INGREDIENTS

1 16-oz. Package of fresh strawberries
5 tbsp. sugar

Note, the best time to prepare the strawberry sauce is while the cheesecake is baking. The great thing about making this strawberry sauce is that it requires no cooking! Strawberries will make their own syrup if sliced, sprinkled with sugar, and then refrigerated. You can either dice or slice (I prefer pencil-thick slices). Layer the strawberries in a bowl and sprinkle a tablespoon of sugar with each layer. Make sure to use a dish that can be covered with an air-tight lid; you’re going to leave this in the refrigerator a day or two and you don’t want it picking up other food flavors.

When the cheesecake is chilled, pour the strawberry sauce on top (holding back the strawberries). Next, Arrange the remaining strawberries on the top of the cake. For a bit of color (or if your making it for Christmas), garnish with mint leaves.

Keep the cheesecake chilled until your ready to serve it.

Today’s entry is dedicated to blog regular Sparrow_hawk.  And her noggin.  Speedy recovery!

For most youngsters, weekends are a time to sleep in, relax, and have fun.  Growing up, for my sister and I, it was anything but.  My parents signed us up for so many extracurricular activities – judo, yoga, bomb disposal – that they’d drop us off early Saturday morning and we wouldn’t see them again until late Sunday night.  Part of me wants to believe it was born of a concerted effort to make us more rounded individuals, but I suspect it was really just a way of getting us out of the house.

This was especially true during the summers when my sister and I would have to take full advantage of our membership at a local pool. Full advantage in this case meant getting there for the 10:00 a.m. opening and staying there until 5:00 p.m. closing – every weekday and every weekend, rain or shine (It was up to the pool authorities to decide whether it was too dangerous to swim and, more often than not, they were spot judgement calls that required us to be on standby, quite literally standing by the pool house, for the green light).  If we were ever late leaving the house, came home early, or lingered too long at lunch (we had approximately 40 minutes, like in most Japanese prisons), they’d suggest the one hundred dollars spent on the pool membership had been wasted and that, maybe, next year they would have to reconsider the expense.  And so, duly chastised, my sister and I would trudge back – she with her nose plugs, goggles, and bathing cap, an ensemble that gave her the appearance of a subaquatic creature (in a one-piece dark blue swim suit) every time she broke surface; me with my goggles, Raiders towel, and whatever book I’d brought along to rescue me from the prospect of terminal pruning.

Truth be told, for all the time we spent at Heights Swimming Pool, I spent very little time in the actual pool, preferring to read or chat with friends over braving the crowd.  I remember once standing poolside for a good fifteen minutes, waiting for an opening in the churning sea of bodies before deciding “What the hell” and jumping in, quite literally, feet first.  I recall the coolness of the water, then the yielding softness of some hapless swimmer’s back as I unwittingly pinned her to the bottom of the pool.

Given all the opportunities, it’s surprising that I didn’t actually learn to swim until my early teen years.  Before that, much of my pool time was spent wading, lounging, and participating in (dare I say it) horseplay. At some point, my father got fed up and paid for private lessons. Every Friday night, I’d go to the Pointe Claire YMCA where Gary, my instructor, would attempt to initiate me in the mechanics of swimming. It was a slow frustrating process.  For him, I mean.  Whereas my sister was a natural, mastering and honing her skills early enroute to attaining that loftiest of swimmer’s achievements, the position of summer lifeguard, I was about as comfortable in the water as C-3PO making love for the first time.  I’d thrash my legs wildly, splash about, and generally try to avoid getting any of the corrosive pool water in my eyes.  And, all the while, my father would sit forlornly up in the bleachers, watching and waiting.  And then, one night, it happened. Gary cancelled late (I like to think that he’d finally given up and was going to let us down easy by maybe faking his own death, until he heard about my abrupt turnaround) and I decided to spend the hour going over what I’d learned.  I lowered myself into the deep end, steeled myself, pushed off from the ladder and, suddenly, I was treading water.  The treading became a breaststroke and, before I knew it, I was swimming.  I swam all the way to the other side of the pool.  Then I swam back.  Then I swam front crawl.  Then backstroke. By hour’s end, I pulled myself out of the pool to find my father waiting for me.  Bursting with pride, he congratulated me.  And handed me five dollars.

In addition to all the swimming, there were the piano lessons.  When my sister and I first started, our instructor had done me the great disservice of informing my mother I had “piano fingers”.  I’m not sure what that meant exactly but was fairly certain that its marked characteristics would have suited any of various other descriptors like, say, “surgeon fingers” or “origami fingers” or “pick pocket fingers”.  To my mother, however, it denoted a genetic predisposition to musical genius.  And so, while my sister, with her short, inelegant fingers better suited to t.v. remote manipulation, got a pass, I was pressured to make the most of my God-given talent.

Next to trampoline week in Phys. Ed., there was nothing I hated more and, perhaps sensing this, my instructor prescribed a practice regimen to help things along: thirty minutes a day for the six days between lessons.  I was given a special chart to take home that my mother was to check off and sign at the end of each week.  ”You probably won’ t be able to practice for half an hour every single day,”my piano teacher conceded.  ”Some days a little more; some days a little less.  Just as long as you get your hours in.”  I returned home, my seven year old self embittered by the prospect of all this piano practice cutting into my non-existent plans.  I mean, sure, my week was pretty wide open but what if something came up on Friday afternoon and I’d have to miss out on account of that final half hour owing?  Well, the solution became readily apparent.  I could just front load my practice at the beginning of the week and have the rest of the week free – just in case. And so, the following day, I sat down in front of our home piano – an antique, discordant monstrosity so enormous that it probably necessitated the house be built around it – and started banking practice time.  Thirty minutes, then sixty, then an hour and a half. After two hours, I was beyond exhausted.  Dazed, fingers cramped, I played on.  Two and a half hours in, I had attained an otherworldly transcendence, what the Native Americans call “a vision quest”.  I was one with the music, the metronome, and my poodle, Snoopy’s, sporadic howls.  At one point, I was floating above it all like one of those out-of-body experiences where the spirit of the soon-to-be-undeceased looks down at himself and thinks “Poor sonovabitch”.  And then, finally, it was over.  Three and a half hours later.  I trotted upstairs, had mom sign my practice schedule – which she did without even bothering to ask what the hell she was signing – and had the rest of the week off.  I thought it a brilliant plan; my piano teacher less so when she checked out my practice schedule the following day.

Eventually, I grew tired of the piano and, after considerable thought, elected to stand up to my mother and tell her I was giving it up.  It was my first adult decision.  And a memorable one.  I told her I was quitting.  She burst into tears and tore my piano exercise book in half. My little sister cried.  I apologized.  The next day, my mother bought me a new piano exercise book and assured me that it would be our little secret and she would not be telling my dad what had happened.

It was another two years before I quit for good.

Guess what number me tinking.  Wrong.  Blue!

Movie open in WWII concentration camp where boy, Erik, demonstrate superpower of magnetism when he get angry – much to de delight of evil Nazi, Professor Footloose (second worst miscasting in recent supermovie memory), who kill his mother to reawaken his abilities.  For some reason, Erik destroy room, crush nazi soldier skulls, but leave mom-killer alive – even tho monster pretty sure professor’s glasses could have been pretty effektive/gruesome weapon.

Meanwhile, in England, another boy, Charles Xavier, who have mind-reading/control powers, walk into his kitchen and befriend shapeshifter-burglar, Mystique.  Awww.  You see?  Mebbe you can make friends wit a burglar too if you only make de effort.

Magneto, Master of Tai-Chi

Twenty years later, everyone grown up (Which, incidentally, make dem in deir 20′s in de 1960′s.  So, doing de math, Professor X and Magneto be around 75 years old in de X-Men movies.).  Erik trying to track down Professor Footloose who, for some reason, look twenty years younger den he did during WWII.  In addition to better looking, he also got hisself three mutant assistants and plan to start WWIII.  He really tinking BIG!

Smiles, everyone.  Smiles!

Wit help of Charles Xavier and Mystique, CIA go after Professor Footloose.  But he eskape in sekret submarine which, incidentally, be standard on most supervillain yachts.  On de bright side, Charles make new ally in de process = brooding Erik.  BFF, dey team up and recruit teen mutants.

While teen mutants settle in and play Big Brother, Charles and Erik go to Russia where dey capture Professor Footloose henchwoman, Emma Frost (WORST miscasting in recent supermovie history) who about as interesting as a fish ice sculpture – and learn of his plan.

While Charles and Erik be in Russia, Professor Footloose attack teen mutants.  He kill one, take another, and massakre many CIA agents.

Believe it or not (and you probably not believe it by dis picture) but she one of de worst tings about dis movie.

Lots of time wasted wit secondary charakters.  Mutants train.  Den put on new team uniforms and go after Professor Footloose and co. while trying to head off nuclear war.  Plenty of action!  Explosions!  Cool visual effekts!  Erik finally get his revenge on Professor Footloose and steal his hat.  Charles paralyzed.  Nuclear war averted.

In movie’s final scenes, wheelchair-bound Charles open up school for gifted mutants.  Erik (aka Magneto), meanwhile, wit support of mercenary mutants inkluding Mystique, break White Queen out of jail. Presumably so dat she can get de help she needs.  Me hoping acting lessons!

Verdikt: A good movie dat about a half hour too long to be a great movie.

Rating: 7.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

Past supermovie reviews here: http://cookiemonstermovereviews.wordpress.com/ (Thor, Megamind, Green Hornet, etc.).

Jelly can’t bear to look

Several weeks ago, Akemi and I were watching Survivor.  In the episode, the contestants were treated to surprise visits from their loved ones.  They had been separated for quite some time (over a month!) and, not surprisingly, the reunions were incredibly emotional.  One girl hugged her father like a long lost love.  Another woman broke down at the mere sight of her husband.  I tried to imagine what it would be like for me, standing there, watching as, one by one, my fellow contestants had their moments with their significant others, anxiously awaiting my turn, eyeing the tree-line for my special someone… Akemi?  Mom?  My sister?

“Jelly,”said Akemi, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.  And, the second she said it, I realized: “Of course!  Who else?”

Who else would it be but my 14 year old pug, Jelly, snarfling and panting as she’d break through the treeline and waddle up the pathway on her arthritic legs into my waiting arms?  We’d probably lose the challenge but nevertheless be chosen to join the winners on the reward getaway where we’d enjoy a wonderful feast of assorted meats, veggies, assorted fruits and desserts.  And before saying goodbye, I’d give Jelly a smooch on the noggin’ as I do every time I carry her up and down the stairs or in and out of the house (Full disclosure: I probably kiss that dog more than I do my girlfriend) and then we’d part ways – me, back to the island, inspired by her visit to persevere in the face of adversity; she, to her guest hut, provoked by the richness of the meal to void her bowels for one endless diarrhea-festooned evening.  Now THAT would be reality television!

My other muse: Lulu.

Jelly works up a sweat.

Bubba – all smiles.

Lulu is laughing AT you, not WITH you!

Hey, my pal, Tara Yelland, is trying to raise money for Response Time, a short film she’ll be working on in the next couple of months.  She didn’t specify what, exactly, she’d be doing (my guess is crowd control) but it’s obviously something she’s passionate about (like nail art, Mad Men, and my occasional dog-related blog entries).  So passionate, in fact, that she produced the following video in support of the project: http://vimeo.com/65869540.  The goal is to raise $10 000 in 30 days and, with 6 days to go, they’re at $5590.  Apparently, the way the fundraising works, they need to reach their target in order to get the money pledged.  If they don’t, they get nothing.  Also, at some point, someone breaks into their homes and soaks their pillows in linseed oil.

Don’t let this happen to Tara!  Help her and her reach her goal by visiting and pledging here: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/response-time

And check out her personal blatherings here: tarayelland

Well, if you’re like 70% of other instant millionaires, you’ll demonstrate unsound judgement, make poor investment decisions, fritter your money away and, eventually find yourself destitute, friendless, and alone (What could happen to you: tales of big lottery winners – U.S. News).  Don’t believe me?  Check out the sad tales of these former lottery winners:  How the Lives of 10 Lottery Millionaires went Disastrously Wrong ….

What is it about huge monetary windfalls that transforms the average person into a compulsive spender?  One day, they’re just trying to make ends meet and, then next, they’re suddenly demonstrating the financial acumen of successful pro athletes (How Millionaire Athletes Spend Their Money and Go Bankrupt …, 15 Pro Athletes Who Lost Millions and Filed for Bankruptcy, Top 10 Bankrupt Athletes – Kidzworld).

According to this article - Riches to rags: Why most lottery winners end up broke – Yahoo … - it’s human nature to adjust our consumption based on what is available to us.

So now that we know what the problem is, how do YOU avoid inevitably finding yourself penniless and living in your parents’ basement?

Well, you can try following my helpful advice:

1. Take half of whatever you’ve won and put it in the bank or in a safe, very conservative investment.  The other half is your spending money.  THIS is your keeping money, only to be touched in cases of emergency (ie. mortgages, life-saving medical procedures, ransom payments, etc.).

2. Tigers and other exotic animals are poor investments.

3. As are flashy new cars.

4. Creative endeavors like scifi shows and low-budget horror movies on the other hand…

5. If you haven’t heard from a friend or family members in the three years prior to becoming rich, don’t rekindle those long-dead relationships once they come a-calling.  And they will come a-calling.  Limit your generosity to close friends, loved ones and, of course, the writers of blogs your frequent on a semi-regular basis.

6. Dude, you’re already rich.  Don’t try to become richer by investing in that sandwich franchise, state-of-the-art wig factory or Kanye West Cologne.

7. Try not to get bumped off by your next of kin.

8. Avoid doing anything that might get you sued like drinking and driving or being alone with anyone at anytime.

9. Drugs are VERY expensive.

10. So are good-looking women/men.

11. That entourage/helicopter pad/set of yellow diamond grillz – not as cool as you think.

Well, another week has come and gone and still no word on the pilots. My agent inquired and was essentially told “Hey, if we didn’t like them, we would have already passed.”.  So, I suppose, no news is good news. But, after a while – a looooong while – no news is bad news if you’re looking to plan your life.  As a result, we have to start making plans for our L.A. visit next week.  This first trip will be a meet and greet.  We’ll follow with a more relaxed, get-to-know-the-neighborhoods visit soon after – a quasi-vacation to familiarize ourselves with the city and find a suitable place to live, somewhere nice but not too far from the action. I’ll rent at first and then, depending on what production we land on, maybe sell the house in Vancouver and actually buy a place there.  I think I should settle in nicely.  As it turns out, I actually have more friends in L.A. than I do here!

One of the things I’ll look forward to will be the L.A. restaurants.  It’ll be interesting to see how they compare to some of Vancouver’s best.

Speaking of which…

Cas’s trademark post-workout shake 

Cas treated me to his trademark post-workout shake the other day. Packed full of vitamins and, well, everything that could fit into a blender, it was surprisingly tasty (ableit fruity).   

The inclusion of half a lime (rind and all!) was a surprisingly nice little addition.  

I was equally dubious about another of Cas’s suggested snacks: 

Rhubarb and sugar

In this instant, I was right to be skeptical.  It was awful.

Much better luck with some recent meals…

The eggplant parm sandwich at Fable Kitchen.

The spot prawn appetizer at L’Abattoir.

The scallop sashimi with yuzu and jalapeno at Chez Joe.

The sous-vide octopus salad at Chez Joe.

The sous-vide rib-eyes with chimichurri sauce.

The sticky toffee pudding at L’Abattoir.

This entry is dedicated to all of my close Powerball Lottery-playing friends here on this blog.  $600 million could produce a lot of great television!  Just sayin’.

I worked with Jen way back when we were both first getting started, on a teen sitcom called Student Bodies (Student Bodies (TV series) – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).  Once the show ended, she moved to Hollywood where she landed the part of Bridget Forrester on The Bold and the Beautiful, playing the role for 3+ years and winning three consecutive Daytime Emmy Awards along the way.  From there, it was on to Crossing Jordan were she recurred as pathologist Dr. Devan Maguire, then to her own series, Committed, and, eventually, on to CBS’s Close To Home where she headlined as deputy DA Annabeth Chase.  She recently wrapped production on David E. Kelley’s Monday Mornings and, after finishing up this latest Lifetime movie (which will take her to Brazil and India), she’ll be producing her first feature alongside hubby, Jonathan Silverman – provided she finds the time between work, travel, and games night at her pal Nathan Fillion’s place.

Anyway, it was great catching up with her these last couple of days and here’s hoping we do get the opportunity to work together again sooner than later.

Meanwhile, Jen’s castmate on the Lifetime movie (and my house guest) Cas left today for a con appearance in Detroit.  Detroit!  Yeesh.  You’d think he could come up with a better cover story than that.  He’ll be gone until Monday and, in that time, he has asked me to read a pitch document and the first ten pages of a script he wrote for a personal project.  Over lunch today, I made it clear to him that if he really wanted me to read his stuff – REALLY wanted me to read it – then, I certainly would…with the understanding that I would NOT be critiquing it as his good buddy Joe but as former Executive Producer/professional writer Joseph Mallozzi.  It’s the same fair warning I give everyone who asks me to read something they’ve written.  I don’t want to waste their time and, more importantly, MY time reading something simply for form’s sake.  If you really want my opinion, I’ll give it to you – but be prepared for the worst.  I would consider it disrespectful of me to pull my punches.  The whole point of the exercise is to identify the flaws and weaknesses of a concept or script and maybe offer suggestions as to how they can be addressed.  It is certainly NOT to offer blanket congratulations on a job well done.

Cas apparently understands this and has given me the go ahead.  So I’ll start reading it tomorrow – AFTER I finally sit down to read my friend Trevor’s outline which has been sitting in my inbox far too long.

Again, I assume this sort of thing isn’t limited to show business.  I’m certain you’ve all found yourself in situations where friends or family members have requested honest input on some thing or other.  So how did you respond in situations where, quite clearly, tough love was required?  Were you painfully honest or was discretion the better part of valor?  Do tell.

What follows are some of my favorite from the latter category.  Worst.  Pitches.  Ever!

1. Tee-alc gets separated from the rest of sgi while on an off-world mission.  When O’Neil, Daniel, and Carter step through the gate, they end up trapped in another dimension where they must try to avert a nuclear showdown between India and Pakistan.

* Dude, seriously.  If you’re going to pitch for our show, do us the courtesy of at least watching an episode.  sgi?  Tee-alc?  Another dimension? Indian and Pakistan?

2. SG-1 visits a barren world, seemingly devoid of life.  While investigating the ruins of a long-dead civilization, the team is captured by a race of subterranean-dwelling humans obsessed with Earth’s pop culture.  Their captors are a bizarre mix of cowboys, gangsters, and guys in Beatle wigs.

* This pitch might have worked for Star Trek.  Fifty years ago.  Maybe.  But probably not.

3. The sequel to A Hundred Days.

* Great idea, but suggesting you want to do a sequel (with no tangible idea outside of the fact that you simply think it would be a great idea in the most general sense) to an episode you didn’t write in the first place isn’t going to land you that writing gig.

4. One by one, members of the Atlantis expedition begin to pop out of existence.  Where do they disappear to?  What is happening?  No idea.

* It’s all about set-up and pay-offs.  Anyone can come up with the intriguing mystery.  Coming up with the solution is, as Martin Gero informed the prospective writer: “What we pay you for.”

5. Carter is kidnapped by a race of men who require her for breeding purposes.

* Curiously, we’d get a variation of the “Gangbang Carter” pitch every season or so.

6. Teal’c is captured and forced to take part in a blood sport arena combat…to the death!

* Ah, the good old arena episode.  It never gets old.  Apparently.

7. SG-1 are the victims of a heist.  Their attempt to track down the powerful stolen artifact takes them to space stations, Star Wars-like alien cantinas, and a dangerous trek across a dessert planet, culminating in a confrontation with a powerful army.

* Yep, the budget for the entire season should just about cover the costs of this epic story.  If this one was ever produced, the ensuing episodes would have had to be radio plays.

I’m sure that this sort of thing isn’t confined to film and television.  I’m sure you’ve all been privy to your fair share of truly terrible ideas.  So let’s hear ‘em!