May 16, 2013: Jennifer Finnigan drops by! You sure you want me to read that?

Well, look who it is!  It’s my good buddy and former co-worker: uber-talented/super-successful actress Jennifer Finnigan.  She’s in town shooting a movie (with my other pal, Cas) and dropped by the other night to say hi, eat some rotisserie chicken and, of course, check out the Dark Matter comic book (soon to be television?) series.  Turns out she’s looking for an SF project and this could be the one!

I worked with Jen way back when we were both first getting started, on a teen sitcom called Student Bodies (Student Bodies (TV series) – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).  Once the show ended, she moved to Hollywood where she landed the part of Bridget Forrester on The Bold and the Beautiful, playing the role for 3+ years and winning three consecutive Daytime Emmy Awards along the way.  From there, it was on to Crossing Jordan were she recurred as pathologist Dr. Devan Maguire, then to her own series, Committed, and, eventually, on to CBS’s Close To Home where she headlined as deputy DA Annabeth Chase.  She recently wrapped production on David E. Kelley’s Monday Mornings and, after finishing up this latest Lifetime movie (which will take her to Brazil and India), she’ll be producing her first feature alongside hubby, Jonathan Silverman – provided she finds the time between work, travel, and games night at her pal Nathan Fillion’s place.

Anyway, it was great catching up with her these last couple of days and here’s hoping we do get the opportunity to work together again sooner than later.

Meanwhile, Jen’s castmate on the Lifetime movie (and my house guest) Cas left today for a con appearance in Detroit.  Detroit!  Yeesh.  You’d think he could come up with a better cover story than that.  He’ll be gone until Monday and, in that time, he has asked me to read a pitch document and the first ten pages of a script he wrote for a personal project.  Over lunch today, I made it clear to him that if he really wanted me to read his stuff – REALLY wanted me to read it – then, I certainly would…with the understanding that I would NOT be critiquing it as his good buddy Joe but as former Executive Producer/professional writer Joseph Mallozzi.  It’s the same fair warning I give everyone who asks me to read something they’ve written.  I don’t want to waste their time and, more importantly, MY time reading something simply for form’s sake.  If you really want my opinion, I’ll give it to you – but be prepared for the worst.  I would consider it disrespectful of me to pull my punches.  The whole point of the exercise is to identify the flaws and weaknesses of a concept or script and maybe offer suggestions as to how they can be addressed.  It is certainly NOT to offer blanket congratulations on a job well done.

Cas apparently understands this and has given me the go ahead.  So I’ll start reading it tomorrow – AFTER I finally sit down to read my friend Trevor’s outline which has been sitting in my inbox far too long.

Again, I assume this sort of thing isn’t limited to show business.  I’m certain you’ve all found yourself in situations where friends or family members have requested honest input on some thing or other.  So how did you respond in situations where, quite clearly, tough love was required?  Were you painfully honest or was discretion the better part of valor?  Do tell.

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May 15, 2013: Worst. Pitches. Ever!

Over the course of my 11+ years on the Stargate franchise, I heard my fair share of freelance pitches – some of them good, most of them fine but not quite what we were looking for, and a few of them truly horrible.  In the first case, kudos to those writers who were able to step up, well into the franchise’s run, take into into account Stargate’s immense mythology, and come up with an engaging, original idea that hadn’t been done yet (by us or Star Trek).  In the second case, thanks for trying and, while it didn’t work out, we fully appreciate that coming up with an original idea for this series is a daunting task.  In the third case, what the hell were you thinking?

What follows are some of my favorite from the latter category.  Worst.  Pitches.  Ever!

1. Tee-alc gets separated from the rest of sgi while on an off-world mission.  When O’Neil, Daniel, and Carter step through the gate, they end up trapped in another dimension where they must try to avert a nuclear showdown between India and Pakistan.

* Dude, seriously.  If you’re going to pitch for our show, do us the courtesy of at least watching an episode.  sgi?  Tee-alc?  Another dimension? Indian and Pakistan?

2. SG-1 visits a barren world, seemingly devoid of life.  While investigating the ruins of a long-dead civilization, the team is captured by a race of subterranean-dwelling humans obsessed with Earth’s pop culture.  Their captors are a bizarre mix of cowboys, gangsters, and guys in Beatle wigs.

* This pitch might have worked for Star Trek.  Fifty years ago.  Maybe.  But probably not.

3. The sequel to A Hundred Days.

* Great idea, but suggesting you want to do a sequel (with no tangible idea outside of the fact that you simply think it would be a great idea in the most general sense) to an episode you didn’t write in the first place isn’t going to land you that writing gig.

4. One by one, members of the Atlantis expedition begin to pop out of existence.  Where do they disappear to?  What is happening?  No idea.

* It’s all about set-up and pay-offs.  Anyone can come up with the intriguing mystery.  Coming up with the solution is, as Martin Gero informed the prospective writer: “What we pay you for.”

5. Carter is kidnapped by a race of men who require her for breeding purposes.

* Curiously, we’d get a variation of the “Gangbang Carter” pitch every season or so.

6. Teal’c is captured and forced to take part in a blood sport arena combat…to the death!

* Ah, the good old arena episode.  It never gets old.  Apparently.

7. SG-1 are the victims of a heist.  Their attempt to track down the powerful stolen artifact takes them to space stations, Star Wars-like alien cantinas, and a dangerous trek across a dessert planet, culminating in a confrontation with a powerful army.

* Yep, the budget for the entire season should just about cover the costs of this epic story.  If this one was ever produced, the ensuing episodes would have had to be radio plays.

I’m sure that this sort of thing isn’t confined to film and television.  I’m sure you’ve all been privy to your fair share of truly terrible ideas.  So let’s hear ‘em!

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April 11, 2013: Sculpting the perfect script!

Someone, I don’t remember who, once likened the writing process to the work of a sculpter.  In this view, the writer isn’t so much creating as attempting to free their vision imprisoned within.  Somewhere in that hunk of stone, or deep inside the mind of the writer, exists the perfect version of what has been imagined.  How close one gets to achieving that version is entirely dependent on the skill of said artist. In other words, there are no impossible ideas; simply a variation in the ability to execute them.  A talented sculpter, for instance, will know where to chip away and how much to remove in order to liberate that trapped masterpiece.  Similarly, a writer strives to attain that faultless script by finding innovative solutions to seemingly insurmountable problems and, most importantly, by not settling.  In other words, they don’t rely on coincidence or contrivance to fix narrative shortcomings. There is always a better way to tell that story.

In truth, no work is flawless. There is never enough time achieve that ideal.  An artist, however, owes it to their audience to try to get as close as possible.

I bring this up because, today, I had a breakthrough on a pilot idea that had me stymied for weeks.  It’s a challenging premise and there were times I wanted to give up but, instead, whenever I grew frustrated, I merely set the pilot aside for a while and redirected focus to other matters.   And then, this afternoon, finally, that hitherto elusive piece of the puzzle snapped into place and a key part of the script took form.  As I knew it would.  Eventually.  It’s just a matter of putting yourself in the proper frame of mind to tap the answer.  It’s there, in your head, somewhere.

I can’t tell you how many times, while I was working on Stargate, I’d hit an impasse on a story at the outline stage.  Rather than worry about it, I’d assure myself that, when the time came, the solution would present itself.  And it always did. Surprisingly (or maybe not that surprisingly), when all was said and done, those  latent ideas would prove the script’s most memorable moments.

And so I return to the pilot-in-progress, confident I can make it work. It’s a long way from being finished, an even longer way from being perfect, but it’s a small step in the right direction.

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March 8, 2013: A word of advice! Campaganolo with Carl!

If there’s a single word of advice I would offer anyone thinking of becoming a writer for film and/or television, it would be: “Don’t”.  Don’t do it.  Spare yourself the aggravation.  The endless waiting.  The incessant disappointments.  The interminable meetings that never seem to reach a consensus, even when it appears as though consensus has been reached.  The nonsensical, often contradictory notes.  The long days and even longer nights spent working on your script, be it on your laptop, when you’re driving, or while you’re lying in bed. Seriously.  There are far more respectable and satisfying ways to make a living.  Bee wrangler comes to mind.

Moving on…

Hey!  Guess who Akemi and I had dinner with last night?  THESE guys -

Ivon Bartok

Robert Cooper

And special guest star: Carl Binder

Yes!  Our friend Carl Binder is back in town and so, last night, we got together for a terrific meal at Campagnolo Restaurant.  Among the evening’s culinary highlights:

Bruschetta with canellini beans, dry cured ham, and mozzarella cheese.

Large Salumi Platter – chef’s selection

Potato Gnocci with braised beef cheeks, broccoli, and fontina d’aosta.

Spaghetti al Pomodoro with tomato sauce, garlic, olive oil and basil.

Almond Cake with cream cheese mousse, preserved peaches, and brown butter.

Today’s blog entry is dedicated to birthday boy Ivon Bartok!

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September 26, 2012: Spinning our creative wheels! Dark Matters! Days of Stargate Atlantis past! Midway!

The thinkers

My writing partner, Paul, came over for Day #2 of our spinning session for the new pilot script we’re working on.  Next to starting a script and, perhaps, passing a kidney stone, there’s nothing more painful than outlining a story, especially in those first few days.  Ideas are pitched. They’re shot down.  The story is discussed in the vaguest of terms. Plenty of questions are asked; hardly any answers given.  Frustration mounts.  Breaks are taken.  The conversations go off on unusual tangents.  And, all the while, we sit, staring at the big white board.  It looms before us, intimidating in its pristine perfection – unblemished, not a magic markered stroke to mar its clean surface.  We could break the ice by jotting down a title but doing so would necessitate a task even more daunting than breaking the story: actually coming up with a title!

And so we sit.  And think.  And wait.  As if the creativity will eventually get fed up with our procrastination and suddenly manifest itself in a bright, colorful burst of act breaks,  suspenseful beats, and a brilliant end of episode solution to the supernatural manifestation.

Yes, writing is a painful business.  Positively excruciating at the spinning, breaking, outline, script and rewrite stages.  But incredibly satisfying when you complete work on a first draft.  And, to be honest, that satisfaction only lasts as long as it takes you to type in FADE OUT and deliver the script.  Savor it!

But today, we did manage some progress. Three solid acts, albethey peppered with TBD’s (a writerly term for “to be decided”, those annoying little speed bumps that slow down the process and inevitably get shuttled away for later consideration, usually sometime between lights out and REM sleep).  What is our Holy Shit third act break?  I’m sure Paul will come up with something.

Hey, this afternoon I dropped by my local comic book shop to pick up the latest issues of Iron Man, The Ultimates, The Punisher, and an intriguing new title, Rose & Thorn, and noticed THIS sitting amongst the new releases:

Joseph Mallozzi and Paul Mullie, writers on Stargate, from SG1 through to SGU, bring their latest science fiction epic to comics in Dark Matter. The six-person crew of a derelict spaceship awakens from stasis in the farthest reaches of space. Their memories wiped clean, they have no recollection of who they are or how they go on board. The only clue to their identities is a cargo bay full of weaponry and a destination-a remote mining colony that is about to become a war zone! With no idea whose side they are on, they face a deadly decision. Will these amnesiacs turn their backs on history, or will their pasts catch up with them?

Dark Matter Volume 1: Rebirth

Yep, it’s the trade paperback collecting all four issues of the first chapter of SF Dark Matter, our comic book series.  I didn’t expect it to come out until October (Thanks for the heads up, guys!).

Some reviews: Dark Matter: Rebirth Graphic Novel is Solid Sci-Fi Fun – Examiner.com, Sequel’s Blog: Dark Matter Vol. 1: Rebirth TPB – Review!, and Dark Matter Vol. 1 Review (On the one hand, they spell my name incorrectly; on the other hand, they had nice things to say about the book).

Speaking of Dark Matter, our attempts to get it to the small screen progress.  We have broadcaster interest but now require the money to do it properly.  One of our partners has some meetings lined up at MIPCOM (MIPCOM – The world’s entertainment content market – MIPWorld) and, if they go well (and fingers crossed), we’ll have a solidly budgeted 13-episode first season of our twisty, turny, suspenseful, high-flying, humorous, character-driven, scifi action space opera.

Continuing our trip down Stargate Atlantis memory lane.  Let’s reflect back on:

MIDWAY (417)

Who would win in a fight between Teal’c and Ronon?  Well, if you ask Chris Judge (which I once did) he’d reply: “Ronon.  Teal’c is still doing that wushu shit.”  Still, we weren’t satisfied with that answer and so, Carl Binder put pen to paper finger to keypad and wrote this all-out actioner in which Ronon and Teal’c team up to battle a wraith incursion.  And also throw down.  And who wins?  Why, it’s a draw, natch.

Early in show’s fourth season, we wanted to do a scene with Carter, back at Stargate Command, leaving behind the life she knew for a fresh adventure in the Pegasus Galaxy.  We wanted to scene to be grounded in the world of SG-1 and felt that the best way to accomplish that would be for Sam to have a conversation with one of her SG-1 teammates. I approached Chris Judge about doing it but told him we wouldn’t be able to afford his episode rate for the single scene.  Chris just shrugged in response and happily offered his services for a nominal fee.  I thought that was a stand-up thing to do and this episode was a repayment for that kindness, an episode guest-starring Teal’c.  And, yes, Chris got his full episode rate for this one.

Jason Momoa and Christopher Judge had a blast shooting the episode, especially the action sequences.  And there were plenty.  The episode also boasts some terrific guest stars like Bill Dowd, Dean Marshall and Ben Cotton who return to reprise familiar roles.

Today’s entry is dedicated to luvnjack.  Good luck with the adoption caseworker tomorrow.  Hope you land in a good home!

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June 22, 2012: Projects on Deck!

Spinning ideas with Rob, Lulu, and Ivon.

We handed in our second draft of the scifi miniseries the other day, paring it down from a robust 204 pages to a trim 194.  We went through four different titles (including the cryptic Cogito and, my personal favorite, The Apocalypse Engine) before finally settling on the one they’re going with.  For now anyway.  The script is, of course, already in prep as it goes to camera in July and I believe our work on it is done.  Can’t wait to see the finishing product and hearing where it ends up.  In the meantime…

I’m prepping myself for the next pass on my horror script by immersing myself in the horror realm.  I’ve got a stack of movies to screen that will, hopefully, put me in the right frame of mind.  On deck: Wolf Creek, Vinyan, The Nameless, Them, The Devil’s Backbone, Frontieres, and Cold Prey.  As much as possible, I’m focusing on foreign horror films.  If you’ve got any suggestions, I’d love to hear ‘em.

Paul and I will be switching gears to work on a pilot we’ve been hired to write.  There’s already broadcaster interest in the fantasy premise that could be a lot of fun.  We start spinning the creative next week.

Also next week, we’ll be heading into discussions with another party on Dark Matter, my comic book series (which I’ll be promoting at 4:00 p.m., July 14th at the Dark Horse Comics booth at Comic Con so swing on by and say hi!).  The business plan being proposed is a lot more intriguing and, hopefully, I’ll have some good news on the DM front before summer’s end.

In addition to Dark Matter, we’re also shopping another genre (supernatural…ish) pilot that has generated some interest south of the border.  Our agent is suggesting we make plans to head down to L.A. for a couple of days in late July and take some meetings on the pilot – in addition to some of the fabulous series ideas we have are going to come with between now and then.  Maybe a series about loyal scifi fans campaigning to get their favorite cancelled SF series back on the air. Can their dogged and determined efforts succeed in convincing the obstinate studio to resurrect the show?  What do you think?

Speaking of fabulous series ideas, I got together with some of the old Stargate gang today for a creative discussion on a show we’re developing.  Check out the action:

Ivon pitches to Lulu.

Rob pitches to Lulu.

Fed up with pitching to Lulu, Ivon and Paul take a break to check out some hilarious online videos.

Lunch. Akemi has a surprisingly-good-although-it-looks-nothing-like-any-version-I’ve-seen-before gumbo.

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June 13, 2012: Dark Matter at Comic Con! Save Lennox the dog! Days of Stargate Past, Atlantis! The Eye and The Defiant One! Vote on our favorite Stargate mid-season two-parter for a chance to win!

It looks like I will be in San Diego for Comic Con, signing copies of my SF comic book series, Dark Matter, at the Dark Horse booth (conveniently located steps away from where former Stargate scribe Remi Aubuchon will be overseeing the action at the Falling Skies booth).  I’ll have the space for about an hour starting at 4:00 p.m. the afternoon of the 14th (after which it becomes a lemonade stand to raise money for vertiginous raccoons) so swing on by to get a comic signed, say hello to Akemi who’ll be working crowd control, have a shot at winning some awesome Stargate giveaways, and, of course, help the woozy raccoons.

Belfast receives worldwide attention – and not the good kind.  A family fights to save their dog from being euthanized by the local authorities: No Justice, No Mercy for Lennox the Dog in Belfast.  And you can go here to leave a comment: http://www.facebook.com/belfastcitycouncil

Back to our Stargate: Atlantis reminiscing…

THE EYE (111)

The big mid-season two-parter concludes in thunderous fashion.  As the storm of the century rages, Atlantis is assailed from without and within.  McKay struggles to save the city while Sheppard pulls out all the stops in an effort to save the lives of his people.  Amid all of the surprises The Eye throws at you, the biggest shock is the body count. Sheppard kills some 60+ Genii soldiers over the course of this episode, gunning down a half-dozen and then killing 55 reinforcements by raising the Atlantis shield.  One could argue that Sheppard is operating under the assumption that Kolya has executed Weir, that his actions are influenced by grief and anger, perhaps a desire for revenge.  In my mind, however, Sheppard never has a choice.  It’s kill or be killed.   For me, far more telling is not the decision to turn on the shield and kill the reinforcements but the decision to take down Ladon without killing him.  Sheppard demonstrates restraint and, in this pivotal instant, makes it clear he is not just out for revenge.  He’s a man doing everything he can to rescue his friends.

A terrific character moment for McKay as well when, in the episode’s opening moments, he actually steps in front of Weir to face down a gun-toting Kolya.  Rodney has come a long way since his introduction back in SG-1 and he continues to grow over the show’s five year run, but this moment is certainly one of the biggest steps in the evolution of his character.

As cool as the set looked with that driving rain battering the outskirts of the city, it was downright miserable for the cast and crew – but especially the cast.  It was cold, wet, and damn hard to see and hear. And, to top it all off, in one outtake that didn’t make the gag reel, actor David Hewlett was on the receiving end of an errant punch that knocked the wind out of him.  But in decidedly unMcKay-like fashion, David shrugged it off and kept right on going.

THE DEFIANT ONE (112)

Peter DeLuise’s last script for the Stargate franchise is a terrific episode with the feel of an old Western – a duel to the death between two worthy warriors, battling it out against a dusty desert backdrop.  We see a return of a life form surprisingly similar to one we’ve encountered before (back in SG-1′s Prodigy), a species that figures into a clever conclusion.

Here, we see the horrifying effects of the wraith’s feeding process – not death but pretty damn close.  Another step in the evolution of the McKay character as he wrestles between staying safe and watching over a fallen comrade, or going out and helping Sheppard.  And, when that fallen comrade takes his own life, Rodney doesn’t hesitate, putting his own life at risk to make a timely intervention and save John.

Cast your vote for your favorite Stargate mid-season two-parter for a chance to win some signed scripts.

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May 29, 2012: The Bullshititude of Creative Writing Classes!

I know, I know.  It’s not what you want to hear.  Eager young writers would love to know that there’s somewhere they can go, someone they can pay money, to become a better writer.  Well, the sad truth is that no one but you can make you a better writer.  Actually, hang on.  Back up a step.  Let’s start with the basics: You’re either a good writer or you’re not.  No course, seminar, or meaningful input will change that.

Talent aint learned.  Hell, it aint even earned.  It’s innate and develops from passion and a commitment to the craft.  Sure, there are ways to disguise a lack of talent, tart it up like some average-looking porn star transformed into an object of lofty desire by the magic of too much make-up and good lighting.  That’s why so many movies and t.v. shows are utter shit.  Blame the perfect storm of: a) untalented hacks who have managed to charm their way onto a writing gig, b) the inability of the people hiring them to differentiate between a good script and a bad one, and c) an audience’s willingness to settle for crap.  99% of any production’s problems can be addressed at the script stage.  It’s just a matter of finding a scriptwriter able to do the job – and the people willing to let him/her do it.

Where was I?  Oh, yeah: creative writing classes.  When I call them bullshit, I’m not saying they’re a complete waste of time.  If nothing else, they force you to write and, after all, it’s the act of writing that makes you a better writer.  Of course, one could argue that a writer who can’t motivate him or herself to write has no business being a writer, but I’ll admit that there have been times when I’ve felt unmotivated.  It usually happens when I’m distracted by something I’d much rather be doing like reading a book, napping, or picking the dog crap off my back lawn.  Writing can be hard.  It can be frustrating.  But so are most jobs.  I bet that a lot of office workers would, all things being equal, prefer an extra half hour of lunch to photocopying and collating Herb’s fucking presentation.  So, in that respect, creative writing classes can be worthwhile.  Especially if you’re very lazy.

Now that I think of it, creative writing classes can also help by providing a venue in which to receive  honest feedback on your work – as opposed to the sugarcoated lies your friends or family will feed you. I don’t care if Aunt Mildred loved it, your third act twist is forced and contrived.  And the jaguar attack in the second act is fucking stupid. You need someone to tell you these things.  You need the unvarnished critique that only a disinterested stranger can truly provide.

So, I stand corrected.  They’re not total bullshit.  If you’re lazy and are surrounded by dishonest friends and family members, then you may derive some benefit from a creative writing course.

Seminars, on the other hand – now THEY are total bullshit!

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May 19, 2012: Amateur Blogging Made Difficult: My Top Ten Tips for the Online Personal Journalerer. Er.

So, despite having done this for over five years now, I apparently break all the fundamental rules of successful blogging.  I don’t market my blog, make money off it through advertising, stick to a single niche or dedicated theme, and, perhaps worst of all, do not limit myself to the recommended weekly entry.  Instead, my daily ramblings cover everything from Tokyo maid cafes to my hatred of ceviche and kiwis (not to be confused with Newsies, the people of New Zealand).  Sure, I could make it easier on myself by not being so prolific, but I’m on a roll here – five years’ worth of continuous daily blogging! – and just can’t bring myself to stop now.

Daily blogging is not without its challenges.  Yes, I’m a writer, but you’re sorely mistaken if you believe (like my ex sister-in-law) that I “just sit around all day, making stuff up”.  I can’t just turn it on and off like my friend, Martin Gero, does comedy (P.S. If you ever run into him on the street, ask him to say or do something funny.  You won’t be disappointed.).  I need to be inspired.  Or, if not inspired, then at least have a somewhat interesting topic to discuss.  Every day I wake up wondering “What am I going to blog about today?” and, eventually, it hits me – sometimes right that moment, sometimes late in the evening when I’m in a half lucid state from eating too much chocolate and ice cream.  Sooner or later, something comes.

Like today, for instance, when I received the following question from KevininNS: “Was wondering if you could comment sometime on your blog preparation/planning process? Do you have a set schedule/routine for it? Since you’ve written every single day, with a wide variety of content, i’m thinking you probably do.  Although since you’re also a writer by occupation, maybe you don’t.”

And that’s when it hit me, today’s blog topic: I would write about having nothing to write about.

Well, that’s not exactly true.  Although it seems like a lead a glamorous and exciting life filled with eroticism and high-adventure, the fact is my life is not all that different from yours (minus your funny hats but plus my awesome collection of supervillain statues).  I do have an edge however.  Being a writer, I can make the most mundane experiences sound interesting and inviting, like traveling to Tokyo and visiting 29 restaurants (totaling 34 Michelin stars) in two weeks or, say, working in television. It aint easy, but it can be done.

So to answer your questions, Kevin, little if any preparation goes into this blog.  I blog at all hours of the day, covering a variety of topics, with no schedule or routine because I am in a perenially panicked state. When will I have time to update my blog?  Is this topic interesting enough?  Will my failure to comment on her comment for two successive mailbags offend blog regular Das?

The reality is that coming up with a constant source of material for daily blogging can be tough.  Fortunately, I have some tips to make the daunting and drudgerous task of writing for others a simple and relatively pleasant experience:

1. Try to do at least one interesting thing a day (ie. making your own oatmeal or watching old episodes of Vampire Diaries out of order) and write about it.  In the event what you do isn’t interesting, then take a picture of it and post that.

2. Upload embarrassing and potentially incriminating photos and videos of yourself.  Don’t worry.  The internet is a place where nameless individuals come together in love, respect, and mutual support.  That’s why it was invented, after all.

3. When blogging, always try to write something you know nothing about.  Take the reader along with you on your journey of discovery.

4. Drink while blogging.  Booze makes you more charming.  Not most people, but you.

5. Schedule one epic rant every 7-8 months to bring in new readers. Choose an easy target most people can line up against (ie. Polygamous Walruses or Buddhists Who Don’t Tip).

6. Set your blog apart from all the others by adopting a unique writing style.  Old English would be ideal but, if you’re not fluent, then try peppering your articles with random words in Welsh or Tagalog. Alternately, you might want to consider writing in another accent. British for instance: “I say, that was a positively smashing entry, wot?”.

7. Come up with catchy titles for your entries (ie. “White-faced Saki Monkey Wins Parcheesi Championship!” or “Five Easy Steps to Wealth, Weight Loss, and Marriage to that Celebrity You’re Obsessed With!”). Don’t forget the exclamation marks!!!

8. Leave comments on other high-traffic sites and don’t forget to include backlinks to your blog.  Make sure your comment is succinct and engaging (“I think we may hooked up the last time I was in town!).

9. Readers today have the attention spans of caffeinated meerkats so make sure your blog stands out.  Grab their attention and keep it by festooning your home page with hyper-kinetic multi-colored visual elements: emoticons, funny gifs, flashing borders and multiple frames and sub-frames.  Take a page out of MySpace’s success story.

10. This goes without saying, but there’s nothing more frustrating than reading a sloppy article.  Before you hit publish, make sure you’ve prfread your work!

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May 16, 2012: A Major Mailbag! Includes: The scoop on the Dark Matter trade paperback! T.V. thoughts! And where I would like to see the Stargate: Universe movie go!

Well, last night I received a call from my writing partner, Paul.  It was the call I suspected and expected and altogether dreaded.  He was a couple of days into his pass on the first four acts I’d written and, while things were going well, they were also progressing slowly.  ”I don’ t know what I was thinking saying I’d be able to push ahead,”he admitted.  ”I just finished doing a pass on the first act.”  And then: “It would probably be better if you just went ahead.”  An awkward lull in the conversation, broken by him: “But why don’t you take tomorrow off as well.”

Sigh.  Eye on the prize.  Eye on the prize.  I figure I will press ahead and keep to my act a day pace.  Once I complete the next four acts, I’ll take a day off before picking up again.  This way, I will have a finished a draft by the end of May.  I’ll take a couple of days off, then do a pass on Paul’s pass and, by the time the delivery deadline creeps up on us, we should be all set.  The studio will have their script and I’ll be planning my vacation, stopping only to eat, sleep, update this blog – oh, and, oh yeah, do the rewrite.

I was feeling unusually chatty today, so check out the mucho mailbag.

Today’s entry is dedicated to Deni who said goodbye to her buddy Elway today.  Condolences.

Mailbag:

Lewis writes: “Did you catch the premiere of the new season of NEXT FOOD NETWORK STAR? I think they’re re-airing it tonight. Any early favorites from the new crop of talent? The new format is.. interesting.”

Answer: Akemi enjoys the show but I’m not a fan.  The competitions and character dynamics can be interesting but, at the end of the day, what’s the point?  This is their eighth season.  With the exception of Guy Fieri (admittedly a natural in front of the camera) can you name any of the other winning contestants?  And, no, I won’t accept “Sandwich King” as an answer unless you actually watch his show.  Which you don’t (and don’t tell me you do).

Lewis also writes: “You have so got to review “STEEL” starring Shaq.”

Answer: Yep.  Got that penciled in for July 23rd.  Should be truly terrible.

Tam Dixon writes: “Cookie’s been hitting the booze a little too hard! Meteor Man got 4 cookies but The Rocketeer dipped into the sugarless range?”

Answer: Far be it for me to defend Cookie Monster’s reviews but, relatively speaking, 6 sugarless chocolate chippee cookies beats 4 chocolate chippee cookies.  Monster just felt that Meteor Man did offer some genuinely funny moments (he laughed so hard at the model-off that he almost choked on a snickerdoodle) while Rocketeer was admittedly more accomplished – as beautiful and respectable as an arid landscape.

Maggiemayday writes: “I seem to have missed that particular Marmaduke film.”

Answer: I hear the sequel is coming out this summer = Marmaduke: Number 2

DP writes: “In the very end…The real end, not the other dozen times it seemed like the movie was over…”

Answer: Yeah, I hear that every time Cookie Monster assumed the movie was over, he would start for the bathroom only to have the movie continue.  After about the fourth time, he just said screw it and used the kitchen sink.

luis811 writes: “Joe have you got a Sat. Signal yet?????”

Answer: Yes, thanks to technical wizard Lawren Bancroft-Wilson who not only set up both DVR’s and calibrated the basement satellite, but also created a kill setting for my microwave.

2cats writes: “Hey Joe! I recently viewed a Food Network episode, Diner’s, Drive-ins and Dives and a Vancouver eatery was featured:
http://www.redwagoncafe.com/
The food looked fabulous. Have you ever visited this place?”

Answer: Not yet, but I am a regular at the other place he visited on his Vancouver tour: PEACEFUL RESTAURANT.  Get the beef rolls!

Andre writes: “I would so much love to hear if the SG Universe guys got to the end of the Galaxy. Maybe you as an insider could share some thoughts.”

Answer: That’s a closing chapter for Brad Wright and Robert Cooper to write provided they’re ever given that opportunity,  I, for one, would love some closure as well.

Andrew writes: “Are you still reading Rising Stars? I was just listening to a podcast that talked about it was the greatest series for the first 6 issues then fell off. Hard. Thoughts?”

Answer: I would agree that it certainly started strong.  I heard there was a year-long delay somewhere in the run that may have colored some fan perception of the series.

Debra writes: “Have you ever tried Kope Luwak Coffee? I can’t imagine any coffee worth $420 a pound. (much less pooped beans)

How about the Dragon Dog from dougieDog in Vancouver? “A cognac-infused foot long hotdog” for $100 bucks. Just drink a lot of cognac and give me a cheap hotdog.. but who knows, maybe it is worth $100. Nah.

And The Fleur Burger, from Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas.. $5,000. “A Wagyu burger topped with duck foie gras, smothered with truffles, and resting on a brioche truffle bun. It comes with a bottle of Chateau Petrus.” (Thanks to reader’s digest for the above list of foods I won’t be buying.)”

Answer: No on all counts.  I’m not a fan of champagne, cognac, coffee, or poop.

Brent writes: “For example I have 13 years of security experience with alarm systems, video systems, and access control systems. I’d hate for you to get burned out.”

Answer: I might take you (and your fellow expert/blog readers) up on this.

baterista writes: “Reminding you of a question for Cookie. Does he think, as I do, that some comic franchises lose something in translation to live action?”

Answer: Cookie Monster agrees that the written word is always better whether its film, television, or hotel porn.

JeffW writes: “I don’t know if this is the kind of info you’ve been researching, but as a young engineer in the late ’80′s, I had to visit NSA to fix a driver issue on a Parallel Processing box they had bought from a company I worked for.”

Answer: Great story.  I can’t use it for the miniseries but will file it away for a future project.  If I do make use of it, I’ll be sure to name one of the characters Jeff W.

Lewis writes: “Now that all 4 issues of DARK MATTER have been released are there any plans for a collected graphic novel release (hardcover or tpb)?  And if so are you going to add any extras to it (ie- character bios, background info, etc.)?”

Answer: Funny you should mention this.  I recently approved Garry Brown’s terrific cover for the Dark Matter trade paperback which will include all sorts of goodies like sketches and early design work.  It will hit the shelves sometime in October – but will let you know once I hear a firm date.

archersangel writes: “speaking of doughnuts; any opinion on cake vs. yeast-raised doughnuts? or did i miss that?”

Answer: I prefer yeast-raised because you can cram more into your mouth.

shaneac1 writes: “if hypothetically speaking MGM and rob cooper came to you to write a script for a big summer blockbuster release of a stargate universe movie how would you write that story.”

Answer: This would be most unlikely since, in the event an SGU movie ever did get a green light, Brad Wright and Robert Cooper would be the ones to write it.  If, hypothetically speaking, they wanted to hear my thoughts on where to go: Eli is able to reroute power from the shuttle to a pod and go into stasis, awakening one hundred years later. They find themselves in the clutches of an off-shoot of their descendants, a military civilization with designs on Destiny.  Earth, meanwhile, has undergone major changes.  Everyone they once knew has passed on but the standing world organization has been able to create a power source that, with the help of the Destiny, will create a stable, limited time wormhole to the ship.  Some return, some remain, while some familiar faces (the A Team whose members allowed themselves to be placed in stasis should the opportunity to finally reach Destiny present itself) join the crew (I’m thinking maybe Daniel, McKay).  The time in stasis has allowed Park to heal and she can see again while the crew’s interactions with their advanced descendants offer T.J. a cure for her condition.  With the help of advanced Earth technology and know-how in addition to a few of the descendants themselves who turn against their own, Destiny is transformed into a lean, highly efficient powerhouse that kicks major ass and makes good its escape.  That’s all I got.

DP writes: “Is your mini-series about Dark Matter?”

Answer: Alas, no.  Any potential developments on the Dark Matter front are still months away at least.

Travis B. writes: “What’s up with House? Did you watch this week’s episode?”

Answer: Probably the strangest episode of its eight season, 175 episode so far.  At times, I wondered if it was all some extended dream sequence.  I didn’t understand why finding a photo of a young boy in a patient’s drawer would be construed as bizarre.  I simply assumed it was either of childhood picture of him or a younger brother (the latter turned out to be the case).  I didn’t understand why a mother, ten years after the death of a son, refused to even talk about him at the request of a sick but very much alive son.  I don’t know why Wilson went off on House at the restaurant and why he couldn’t plainly see that all of House’s machinations were orchestrated because he cared. Wilson is smarter than that.  I didn’t get why the fire department would forward the tickets which were clogging the pipes to the police department (the insurance sure, but the cops?) nor can I understand how the police could have lifted House’s fingerprints off them.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but when they dust for prints, aren’t they  essentially matching the oil deposits left by the fingers.  How do those survive being flushed down a toilet?

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