May 20, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews X-Men: First Class!

Watching X-Men: First Class like dating smart, beautiful she-monster who be fantastik company – until she drink too much, start rambling, talk about her ex, linger over espresso, and leave you wishing date could have ended sometime after dessert and before she vomit in your cabriolet.  Disappointing because movie start off VERY strong but, sadly, overstay it’s welcome like a visiting uncle Herb.

Guess what number me tinking.  Wrong.  Blue!

Movie open in WWII concentration camp where boy, Erik, demonstrate superpower of magnetism when he get angry – much to de delight of evil Nazi, Professor Footloose (second worst miscasting in recent supermovie memory), who kill his mother to reawaken his abilities.  For some reason, Erik destroy room, crush nazi soldier skulls, but leave mom-killer alive – even tho monster pretty sure professor’s glasses could have been pretty effektive/gruesome weapon.

Meanwhile, in England, another boy, Charles Xavier, who have mind-reading/control powers, walk into his kitchen and befriend shapeshifter-burglar, Mystique.  Awww.  You see?  Mebbe you can make friends wit a burglar too if you only make de effort.

Magneto, Master of Tai-Chi

Twenty years later, everyone grown up (Which, incidentally, make dem in deir 20′s in de 1960′s.  So, doing de math, Professor X and Magneto be around 75 years old in de X-Men movies.).  Erik trying to track down Professor Footloose who, for some reason, look twenty years younger den he did during WWII.  In addition to better looking, he also got hisself three mutant assistants and plan to start WWIII.  He really tinking BIG!

Smiles, everyone.  Smiles!

Wit help of Charles Xavier and Mystique, CIA go after Professor Footloose.  But he eskape in sekret submarine which, incidentally, be standard on most supervillain yachts.  On de bright side, Charles make new ally in de process = brooding Erik.  BFF, dey team up and recruit teen mutants.

While teen mutants settle in and play Big Brother, Charles and Erik go to Russia where dey capture Professor Footloose henchwoman, Emma Frost (WORST miscasting in recent supermovie history) who about as interesting as a fish ice sculpture – and learn of his plan.

While Charles and Erik be in Russia, Professor Footloose attack teen mutants.  He kill one, take another, and massakre many CIA agents.

Believe it or not (and you probably not believe it by dis picture) but she one of de worst tings about dis movie.

Lots of time wasted wit secondary charakters.  Mutants train.  Den put on new team uniforms and go after Professor Footloose and co. while trying to head off nuclear war.  Plenty of action!  Explosions!  Cool visual effekts!  Erik finally get his revenge on Professor Footloose and steal his hat.  Charles paralyzed.  Nuclear war averted.

In movie’s final scenes, wheelchair-bound Charles open up school for gifted mutants.  Erik (aka Magneto), meanwhile, wit support of mercenary mutants inkluding Mystique, break White Queen out of jail. Presumably so dat she can get de help she needs.  Me hoping acting lessons!

Verdikt: A good movie dat about a half hour too long to be a great movie.

Rating: 7.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

Past supermovie reviews here: 
http://cookiemonstermovereviews.wordpress.com/
 (Thor, Megamind, Green Hornet, etc.).

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April 22, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Super!

Dis movie remind monster of Christmas family dinner.  It sound like a good idea and everybody expekt a good time but, instead, it end up being sad, depressing, and somebody always get hit in de head wit a big wrench.

God’s tentacles?

Movie begin wit lovable loser who happily married to woman way out of his league.  Wife suddenly come to dis realization one day and leave him to hook up wit Footloose criminal and become drug addikt.  Our hero understandably upset and, after getting beaten up by Footloose’s thugs, he inspired to become a superhero by Super Jesus t.v. show and weird trippy sekwence involving a bright lights, disembodied tentacles, and brain surgery.

Wow, de Flash really let himself go.

He design his own superhero outfit and become…Crimson Bolt!  He hang around, waiting for someting to happen, try to intervene in a crime, and get beat up.  After talking to cute girl in comic book shop, he take his cue from Batman’s bat-gadgets and make a key addition to his costume: a big frikkin’ wrench he use to hit people wit.  Dis little tweak make all de difference and soon, Crimson Bolt be taking on drug dealers, child molesters, and line cutters.

Outfit inspired by Robin. And de Oregon Ducks cheerleading squad.

Go Justice!

Up to dis point, movie vacillate, sometimes awkwardly, between darkly humorous and weirdly discomforting, but here it start veering into downer territory.  Crimson Bolt crash bad guy’s house wit his trusty big wrench only to get chased off and shot in de leg.  He seek help of girl from comic book shop who, thrilled to find out his true identity, decide to create her own outfit and become his sidekick, Bolty!

Meanwhile, Footloose’s thugs go to our hero’s house to deal wit him – and end up shooting some poor, innocent detective instead.

Prepping for the big super finish.

Armed wit guns and bombs, Crimson Bolt and Bolty attack Footloose’s house.  Bolty get half her face blasted off and killed instantly – which be de least funny ting monster have seen in a comedy since Hangover II.  De entire movie.

Dis make Crimson Bolt angrier den Grover after last call.  He shoot and blow up bad guys.  Old Batman-style sound effects flash up on screen: POW!  BAM!

He take on Footloose and get de upper hand.  Footloose pleads for his life: “You really think that killing me… stabbing me to death is going to change the world?”

To which Crimson Bolt reply: “I can’t know that for sure, unless I try!”

And he does.

Our hero saves his wife and brings her home.  And dey live happily ever after.

No.  Correction.  Our hero saves his wife and brings her home.  And she leaves him for someone else.

But our hero is happy because he convince himself dat his wife’s new kids will someday save de world.

And he has pet bunny to console him.

Verdikt: A pretty funny premise dat be very poorly executed.  Unlike Kick-Ass’s amusing cartoon over-de-top violence, de shootings, bludgeonings, and blow-ups in Super be pretty grounded and graphic, undermining most of de humor.  What could have been a great dark comedy instead end up being weird, uneven, and depressing.

Rating: 4 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 15, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Iron Man 2!

Monster like to rate sekwels on what me call de Sliding Celebrity Sibling Scale.  It start at Clint Howard and go all de way up to Mark Wahlberg.  Given how much me enjoy first Iron Man, me expect Iron Man 2 to be a real Stephen Baldwin.  But it surpass monster’s expektations and, initially, me consider it a solid Casey Affleck.  But, in preparing dis review and after further reflektion, me have to downgrade it to a Randy Quaid.

Iron Man catches Saturday Night Fever

Iron Man 2 pick up not long after first Iron Man end.  U.S. government mad at Tony Stark because dey want to militarize his tech.  Tony refuse and, instead, he do what regular folk do to blow off steam: drink, sleep around, and race in de Monaco Grand Prix.

Maybe he should stick to Nascar.

Unfortunately, race interrupted by crazy Russian played by Mickey Rourke who, again, be typecast as evil genius.  Motivated by family revenge, he attack Tony wit…er…super electric whips.  But he get his ass beaten because Tony able to change into his Iron Man suit.  And, also, because he be armed wit…er…super electric whips.

Who else would you get to play part of brilliant scientist?

Russian sent away to prison but later busted out by Tony’s business rival, Justin Hammer, who evidently have desperate need to fill sociopathic affirmative action position within his company.  While Justin leave Russian free hand on his technologies…

Tony continue love-annoy relationship with Pepper Potts who he appoint new Stark Industries CEO.  Sekwel offer some great scenes between dese two and also his chauffeur/bodyguard/director Happy Hogan.  All in all, dialogue in dis movie be as sharp as a super electric whip.  Dat’s pretty sharp!  

In another interesting subplot dat go absolutely nowhere, we learn Tony suffering from blood toxicity caused be his own suit.  Being Iron Man is killing him.  Literally!  It be a great dilemma dat, sadly, given short shrift and too easily addressed before movie’s end.

Nat from accounts receivable.

Another subplot involve Natahsa Romanoff (aka Black Widow) who be working undercover at Stark Industries to assess Tony.  Her presence in dis movie, along wit a couple of scenes involving Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D., do nothing to advance de story and only serve to set up future Avengers movie.  And give fanboys boners.  

At one point, Tony get so drunk he end up facing off against his best buddy, Rhodey.  In full battle gear!  It be one of de most ridikulous sekwences in dis movie and feel like an attempt to address a producer’s skript note: “De second act be kind of dragging.  We need to insert some aktion.  Who cares if it not make any sense.”

Because he show poor judgement (if dat what you call almost killing a bunch of innocent bystanders) Tony put under house arrest. Meanwhile, Justin Hammer make big demonstration  showing off his new line of iron suits to be purchased by U.S. military – and modeled by Rhodey.

BUT Russian somehow (Hey, me already mention he be a genius) hack into iron suits and sic dem on Iron Man.  

Big aktion sekwence ensues!  Iron Man vs. Rhodey.  Iron Man vs. iron suits.  Iron Man and Rhodey vs. iron suits.  Iron Man and Rhodey vs. Crazy Russian.

Movie end wit a medal ceremony, rooftop kiss, and misplaced god paraphenalia.

Verdikt: Great performances, dialogue and aktion sekwences undone by weak plotting.  Dis sekwel be less Beau Bridges and more Brian Doyle Murray.   

Rating: 6.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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April 1, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Kick-Ass! Goa’uld-related news!

Dis film be filled wit violence, torture, and a little girl charakter more potty-mouthed den Grover dat time he developed “chemikal burns” on his blueberries after jacuzzi party wit Madonna.  It be a terruble, TERRUBLE movie for kids.

But a super, FANTASTIK movie for monster.  Me loved it!

Say hello to my little friends.

Kick Ass ask de qwestion: What if?  What if a regular kid wit no super powers or fancy gadjets, armed only wit de human spirit and courage of his own conviktions, decided to be a superhero?  What would happen?

Well, he would get the crap beat out of him and nearly killed of course. Which be exaktly what happen to our hero, a lovable high school loser after he buy himself a mail-order costume and take on persona of…Kick-Ass!  On de one hand, he almost die.  On de other hand, he rushed to hospital and get bunch of metal plates inserted into his broken body so dat, in his words, he “look like freakin’ Wovlerine!”. Yep, metal plates be terruble for getting thru airport security, but pretty great for taking punches to de head.  Just avoid standing too close to microwave ovens.

She could handle herself on de mean streets of Sesame

Kick-Ass hit de streets and test out his harder-to-hurt new body.  He still get de crap kicked out of him – but dis time, witnesses take cell phone videos of beatdown.  He become biggest internet sensation since square-dancing monkey.  Emboldened, he go have a talk wit ex-boyfriend of girl he like from skool.  Turn out he a drug dealer wit a short fuse for people who threaten and taze him.  Touchy!  He and his buddies about to kill Kick-Ass when – another superhero crash de party.  But, unlike Kick-Ass, dis superhero not playing pretend.  She de real deal.  And she be only eleven years old!  What an inspiration!

She demonstrate some pretty sweet moves, dispatching baddies in gruesome fashion to updated version of de Banana Splitz theme song.

Now monster not usually like kids in movies – but Hit Girl be an exception.  She like a cross between sword-wielding Kill Bill gal, dat Home Alone kid, and Paul Bettany after a few drinks.

Batman dialed to 11

Hit Girl, of course, accompanied by her dad (Duh!  She only eleven!) a superhero called Big Daddy who remind monster of a brain-damaged Batman.  Turn out he former cop who be framed by mobster and kicked off de force.  His wife die, leaving him to raise his daughter de best way he know how – by shooting her and teaching her how to kill bad guys.  And you thought your dad was tuff!

It turn out dis same mobster now very pissed because drug dealer worked for him.  He tink Kick-Ass responsible and enlist help of his own so to trap him.  His son go undercover as superhero -

Red Mist

Son (aka Red Mist) befriend Kick-Ass and use him to set up Big Daddy and Hit Girl.  Hit Girl shot and fall out window.  Big Daddy and Kick-Ass captured and tortured live on de internet.  But live events have way of going horribly wrong for Swedish quiz show hostesses, overenthusiastic sports reporters, and bad guys when Hit Girl show up and take dem out.

Sadly, too late for Big Daddy.  Which be bad news for mobster because dere’s nothing worse den an angry kid.  Who happens to be a costumed vigilante.

Paybacks a bitch.  In a purple wig.

Hit Girl and Kick-Ass team up and go after mobster.  Blood!  Bullets! Blades! Bazooka!  And, in de end, we all learn valuable lesson about power, responsibility, and de correkt use of a jet pack shoulder-mounted machine guns.

Verdikt: Wild over-de-top fun!

Rating: 9.5 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies!

Goa’uld-related news: 
http://www.netbase.com/press-release/netbase-announces-intergalactic-language-support/

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February 25, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Hellboy II: The Golden Army!

Monster pleasantly surprised by first Hellboy so, of course, me expeckt less of de same from de sekwel becuz, after all, it be a sewkwel. Remember Hangover II?  Blues Brothers 2000?  Citizen Kane II: The Quickening?  But Hellboy II: The Golden Army out-surprise de first Hellboy.  It a movie wit even more heart, even more humor, even more spekatcular visual effekts – but also, at times, even more problems.

Big Red

Movie begin wit old professor telling young Hellboy legend of The Golden Army.  It go someting like dis:  Humans jerks so goblins build mekanical army for King of Elves who use it to kick ass.  Truce called and magik crown dat control army get broken into tree pieces.  Dis piss off young elf Prince Nuada who go into exile to sulk.

High five!

But he not sulk for long.  Mebbe only a few centuries.  And when a piece of de crown show up at auktion, he also show up to claim it – and sic creepy little flying “tooth fairy” creatures on everyone.  He den pay his dad, de King, a visit and kill him to get second piece of crown.  But his twin sister, Princess Nuala, run away wit final piece, spoiling brother’s plans.

It’s de wraith!  I mean de elves!

BPRD (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense) , not to be confused wit BURPED (Bureau for Underwater Paranormal Research and Defense), arrive on scene of auction massakre to investigate, get attacked, and outed.  Now everyone know Hellboy and co. really exist! Cool, no?  How will dis play out in rest of movie?  Oh, it not?  Den never mind.

Government upset, so send in new agent to join Hellboy and co.  DIS guy -

Krauss blow his top.

Johann Krauas be a steampunk German ectoplasmic medium wit attitude.  He be annoying at first but, over course of movie, monster really warm up to him.  In fakt, entire BPRD team – Hellboy, Liz, Abe, Johann, even Tom Manning (played by Jeffrey Tamborine) – be unique, interesting, very likable charakters.  So monster perplexed dat main villain, Prince Nuada, be so dull.  Oh, he very interesting to look at and his fight scenes be great but, at end of de day, he not be partikularly sympathetic or despicable.  He just a little bland.

BPRD visit Troll City where dey find Princess Nuala and bring her back to headquarters.  She flirt wit Abe Sapien who fall head over flippers in love wit her.  Despite being covered in prostetiks, aktor Doug Jones practically steal de movie, delivering terrifik performance as Abe (who could be love child of Fraiser’s Niles Crane and Creature from de Black Lagoon).  In one of movie’s highpoints, Abe and Hellboy bond, booze and brood over deir respektive relationships.  BUT fun time interrupted by Prince Nuada who track down his sister.  Becuz dey be twins, he able to locate her and comes close to finding final piece of magik crown hidden in a book -

When good guys show up.  Prince Nuada fight Hellboy, stick him wit point of magik spear, kidnap his sis and leave.

Broken spear point stuck in Hellboy.  He dying!  Liz, Hellboy and Abe – wit surprize help from Johann – steal plane and go get help.  Dey end up coming across monster who happen to want de spear point and happen to know someone who can get it out (yeah, yeah, me know, me know.  It be a stretch).  Our heroes pay visit to second cousin of creature from Pan’s Labyrinth -

Pan’s Labyrinth?  No.  Dat’s de other guy.

He remove spear point from Hellboy but warn dat, one day, Hellboy will destroy Earth.  But dat’s a story for another time…

Showdown!

Hellboy, Liz, Abe, and Johann track down Prince Nuada and sis.  Abe give up final piece of crown which allow Nuada to awaken Golden Army. Big fight ensue!  Our heroes about to get deir asses kicked when Hellboy challenge Nuada for de crown.  Dey duel.  Hellboy win!  Nuada a sore loser and about to get all stabby-stabby on Hellboy when Princess Nuala stab herself, mortally wounding both her and her brother.  Becuz dat’s what happens when you’re a twin.

Our heroes eskape.  Liz inform Hellboy dat he going to be a dad – of twins!  And Johann Krauss deliver best line of entire movie:

Verdikt: More heart, more humor, more spektacular visual effekts but weak villain and a few contrived moments.  Still, sooper entertaining. Me tink Abe deserve his own spin-off.  Or late night talk show.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

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February 18, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Hancock!

Monster not professional writer so not in position to offer advice to whoever wrote dis movie, but me can’t help but feel it obviously a bad idea to change direktion and tone of a skript one hour into its 90 minute running time.  Which be de case wit Hancock.

Will Smith channeling Grover for dis performance.

We introduced to our anti-hero, Hancock.  Drunk, dirty, belligerent, and dangerously clumsy, he reminiscent of Grover when he dated Paris Hilton back in summer of 2007.  Hancock try to do good – stopping crime, saving bystanders – but just can’t seem to get it right.  As a result, public consider him a super-nuisance.  Like viral meme spam, alien scabies, and Donald Trump.

Monster recommend car reps for building strong shoulders.

BUT tings change for Hancock when he save Ray, a PR guy, from getting wiped out by train.  Ray decide Hancock need an image makeover and convince him to start taking responsibility for his aktions.  Hancock make public apology, spend some time in prison and, eventually, redeem himself by stopping crazy bank heist and saving cops and hostages.  He even get new leather outfit for aktion purposes (also reminiscent of Grover in summer of 2007).

New and improved Hancock

It all make for fun viewing.  At which point, for some reason, scripwriters decide dey be tired of dis story and want to make whole other movie.  Cue bizarre late twist dat reveal Ray’s wife, Mary, be a superhero too!

Superlover quarrel.

Hancock and Mary fight.  Why?  Uh…becuz dey have bad tempers? Anyway, it all look very cool as dey tear up city and just happen to land outside hubby Ray’s office building so he can (conveniently) find out de truth about his wife.  She and Hancock former lovers but Hancock not remember becuz he have amnesia.  But dey separated becuz if dey stay together, dey lose deir superpowers.  Which beg de qwestion: If dat de case, why Mary living in de same city?  Why not live on other side of world just to be safe?  Monster hear Japan very nice.

Becuz Hancock hanging around Mary, he no longer invulnerable and get shot.  He rushed to hospital.  Despite fakt dat being together make dem weaker, Mary rush to hospital to see him – at which point vengeful bad guys show up and shoot de place up, hitting her.  Hancock fight bad guys while Mary slowly dying – along wit comedic vestiges of first part of movie.  Hancock beat bad guys and flee hospital – which allow Mary to regain her strength, survive, and get her powers back.

Happy ending for everyone!  Except monster and movie-viewing publik.

Verdikt: (First hour = 8 chocolate chippee cookies) + (Last 30 minutes = 4 chocolate chippee cookies) divided by 2 + (2 for great performances by all leads) – (1 for annoying kid charakter) =

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

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December 24, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Zoom!

Dis be less a movie and more an interminable collektion of lame musical montage sekwences punctuated by occasional attempts at a plot, charakter development and, worst of all, humor.

It say a lot about dis catastrophe dat de most interesting part of Zoom be opening five minute info-dump voice-over dat explain how two brothers, Zoom and Concussion, were part of superhero team (Zenith) until government experiment wit extra radiation (Gamma 13) turn Concussion evil and cause Zoom to lose his powers.  Concussion eliminate other team members but he blasted and seemingly killed. Until…

Turdy years later, scientists be tracking “a pan dimensional anomaly moving toward our space-time continuum” (accompanied by computer graphic dat seem to indikate de other dimension be lokated somwhere outside Long Beach).  Huh?  Not “huh” as if “Wow!  Dis too complikated for monster to understand!” but “Huh, dis make absolutely no sense!”. It as if someone couldn’t even be bothered to come up wit half-ass techno-babble.  In hindsight, dis not so surprising since it turn out same people couldn’t even be bothered to come up wit half-ass rest of movie.

Decision made to hire washed-up former Zoom to train new team Zenith.  We introduced to each potential new member in – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

At Area 51, Zoom and scientists hold American Idol-like auditions for new team Zenith – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Making de cut are kids wit real super powers – invisibility, telekinesis, super strength – and some chubby kid who can inflate himself.  New Team Zenith trains – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Zoom takes kids out on a joyride in a flying saucer.  Kids train some more – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Kids trap scientist in eco-chamber and press weather buttons.  Ho ho ho.  Scientist get rained on.  Snowed on.  He get struck by lightning. Struck by avalanche.  Sprayed by a skunk.  Actors unconvincingly convey hilarity.

Kids train some more – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Invisible boy and telekinesis girl develop romance.  Dey have all de seksual chemistry of John Madden and Pat Sumerall.

Zoom, meanwhile, reflekts back on de old days – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Finally, it’s time!  Concussion arrives “in our space-time continuum”. And, boy, he pissed.  Zoom try to talk some sense into his brother. But no go.  Army try to capture his brother.  But no go.  So Team Zenith launch into action.  Concussion not so tough.  He get beat on by a bunch of kids!  How possible for him to ever be considered such a threat?

Zoom get his powers back and trap Concussion in a vortex dat, uh, draw de evil radiation out of his brother’s body.

CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Verdikt: As much as makers would want it to be, Sky High II dis aint.

Rating: 1/2 chocolate chippee cookie and one coupon for half-price laxative.

Monster wish everyone Happy Holidays!

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December 10, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews My Super Ex-Girlfriend!

Dis movie reminiscent of monster’s ex-girlfriend, Mona Hildeberger. One time, she get so mad after me use dishwasher to dry socks dat she spike monster’s L’Oreal shampoo wit Nair hair remover.  For two months while wait for fur to grow back, me kept getting mistaken for member of Blue Man Group.  Very unpleasant memories.

Fortunately, dis movie not so unpleasant at all.  It never fully realize its potenshul, but it still solid wit nice fun bits.  Just like Mona Hildeberger.

Beware of hot nerds!

Matt just be a regular, shy office guy who looking for a woman to love. He tink he find her in Jenny Johnson, a seksy nerd he meet on de subway.  She seems very sweet – but awkward and distrakted.  And, it turn out, for good reason.  Becuz nerdy Jenny Johnson really a seksy superhero called G-Girl!

Beware of seksy superheroes!

She take him flying.  She break his bed trying to bang him.  Life be pretty good for Matt.

Perks of dating a superhero = no traffik!

UNTIL tings start to get weird.  Problem #1: he kidnapped and roughed up by G-Girl’s arch-nemesis, Professor Bedlam, played by de always awesome Eddie Izzard.  Apparently, he old high school friend of Jenny’s and still sekretly in love wit her (and VERY jealous of Matt). But dis pale in comparison to problem #2: Jenny be a crazy woman!  She super alright.  Super jealous and super unstable!

Nuts!  Insane!  Bonzo!  No longer in possession of one’s fakulties!  Tree fries short of a Happy Meal!  Waaaackooo!

Matt’s super ex-girlfriend make his life a living hell.  She tear up his apartment.  Tosses his car into orbit.  And, in one partikularly inspired scene, she trow a shark at him after he hook up wit girl from his office!

“Just kidding about de whole break-up tiing…”

Matt be super-screwed.  But salvation come from a most unlikely source = Professor Bedlam who, now in possession of super power-leeching meteor, need Matt’s help to set up G-Girl.  And poor, harassed Matt only to happy to oblige.

Super super-villain!

Matt profess his love for Jenny/G-Girl and convince her to join her at his place.  Everyting going according to plan until – girl from his office show up.  All sorts of awkward!  G-Girl about to beat crap out of Matt when – Dwight from De Office show up and open gift box containing meteor.  G-Girl lose her powers.  At which point Professor Bedlam show up!  Chaos!  Meteor blows and return superpowers to G-Girl!  But office girl get super powers too!  Super catfight ensue!

Who win?  G-Girl?  Office Girl?  Neither.  Love conquer all!  Professor Bedlam profess his love for G-Girl!  And Matt get himself a new super girlfriend in Office Girl!

Verdikt: It great to see a woman in dominant role.  Monster like dis. Grover like dis too but in completely different scenario me not comfortable talking about here.

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

Cookie Monster’s previous movie reviews can be found here: Film reviews by resident film criti…

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December 3, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Superman Returns!

Dis movie more boring den Fozzie Bear’s off-off-off Broadway production of “Old Coronation Street Episodes”.  It so bad dat monster invite friends over and invent Superman Returns drinking game. Everytime someone begin to doze off while watching movie, he have to do shot.  By end of movie, not sure if Big Bird and Grover pass out from Jagermeister or sheer boredom.  Me tink both.

Movie begin wit Superman returning to Earth after being away for five years to visit what left of his home planet: Krypton.  Why he go?  What he find?  Why it take him 5 years?  Dis never explained. Coinsidentally, his alter ego, Clark Kent also return to work at de Daily Planet.  He horrified to diskover Lois Lane did not put her life on hold for him.  She not only have a son, but she be married to X-Men’s Cyclops!

Clark Kent = Super-Creep

Superman prove himself a super-creep by stalking Lois, spying on her and her family wit his x-ray vision, den trying to seduce her by flying her around de city and trying to kiss her on a rooftop.  (Please, do a shot).  She pissed at him becuz he left Earth witout telling her he was leaving.  Why he never said goodbye to her?  Dis never explained but reason be clear.  Superman be utter douchebag.

Uh, she be married, right?

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor have big plans to cause world chaos and grow an island in de ocean blah blah blah.  (Please, do a shot).  Power fluktuates.  Earth shakes.  Planes fall out of sky.  Superman save de day.  Movie plods along.  Someone forget to tell aktor Brandon Routh dat Clark Kent de boring one, NOT Superman!

Lex contemplate de art of de shiv.

Lois and her son somehow end up on Lex’s private yacht where he plot to enact his island-growing plan (yawn.  Please do another shot.).  But clever Lois send stealthy fax alerting Cyclops.  Thug start to beat her up but her son trow piano at him, demonstrating super strength and suggestion dat he be Superman’s son.  Oh, and also suggest dat nice guy Cyklops be a cuckold.  Or dat Lois go to bed wit Cyklops maybe a couple of weeks after sleeping wit Superman in Superman II.

Yacht sinks.  Superman save Lois.  He end up on new landmass dat it turn out be made of kryptonite.  Superman weakened and, in incredibly overwrought scene, beat up and stabbed wit a kryptonite shiv.  Superman plunge of cliff.  BUT he saved by Cyklops and Lois.

Superman pick up landmass and chuck it into space, nature’s cosmic garbage can.

Lex and his annoying girlfriend eskape in a helictoper dat eventually run out of gas, so dey end up stranded on a deserted island – wit nothing to eat but a coconut and a small dog.

Superman rushed to hospital.  He be in a coma!  But Lois and son visit, give him a kiss and make him all better.

Verdikt: Curse of Superman alive.  Dis film confirm: It impossible to make a good Superman movie!

Rating: 4 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

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November 19, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Sky High!

Monster can’t help but tink dat if Wonder Woman had been my high school principal, me could have accomplished so much more in life. Instead, here me is doing movie reviews to help support my cookie habit.  But me suppose it could be worse.  Monster could be reviewing Elektra again.  Instead, dis week, me watch Sky High, a film dat prove you CAN write a smart, funny, entertaining kids movie.  Take DAT Shark Boy and Lava Girl!  Hmmm.  Could be de peach schnapps talking but me really liked dis movie.

The Commander and Jetstream.  Coolest Parents Ever!  

Will Stronghold just a regular kid.  And dats de problem.  He just a regular kid wit no superpowers – but his parents be The Commander and Jetstream, celebrity superheroes.  Will keep his super-impotence a sekret from his famous folks, but it not going to be a sekret for long becuz he now a freshman at Sky High – a sekret floating high school for children of supherheroes (and de occasional supervillain).

Science class be a blast!

On his first day at Sky High, we introduced to Will’s classmates – and deir powers.  One kid glows in de dark.  Another can turn into a hamster.  Two more, de school bullies, have super speed and stretching ability.  At first gym class, kids demonstrate deir powers for gym teacher (Hey!  It’s Bruce Campbell!) who divide dem into “heroes” and “sidekicks”, Sky High’s version of de classic high school dichotomy of cool kids and losers.

She can tie monster up with her magic lasso anytime!

Will declared a sidekick and have to take classes wit his fellow second-raters.  One class taught by The Commander’s former sidekick, All-American Boy (Hey!  It’s Dave Foley!).  Another by big-brain professor (Hey!  It’s Kevin McDonald!).  Like most high school kids, he discover dat even tho dey not be “de cool crowd”, his new friends a lot more fun to hang out.  Especially so his cute best friend who, for some reason, he not seem to notice be mighty cute, Leila.

Sassy Leila.

Also attending Sky High is broody rebel kid, Warren Peace, son of superhero mother and supervillain father.  Warren take instant dislike to Will becuz his father (The Commander) put Warren’s father in jail.

Flavor = broody.

 

Will finally come into his powers – super-strength.  And, suddenly, he go from sidekick to hero.  He catch de eye of sexy/bitchy in-girl, Gwen. Meanwhile, poor Leila left to sulk – and hit it off wit broody Warren.

Tings come to a head when Will’s parents go away and he tricked into hosting a house party – and showing his new gal, Gwen, his father’s sekret inner sanktum!

Now dat’s a pretty big whatever-de-heck-it-is.

Will finally come to his senses and dump Gwen.  He decide to skip prom and hang around his father’s inner sanktum – where he diskover disappearance of “de pacifier”, a mysterious sekret weapon dat once belonged to de nefarious supervillain Royal Pain!

Royal Pain

At prom night, The Commander and Jetstream show up to be presented wit speshul hero award – only to get ambushed by Gwen who turn out to be…Royal Pain (in a clever twist dat involve her getting turned into a baby, den getting adopted and raised by her own henchman)!  She use de pacifier on dem, turning dem into babies.  Den, wit de help of some accomplices, she start zapping everyone in sight, turning DEM into babies too!

Will show up and, wit help of a bunch of sidekicks, have to prove himself hero-worthy by saving de day.

Prom Night: Last Stand

Movie full of great in-jokes, one-liners, charakter moments, and does terrific job of satirizing high school life and family dynamics.  And bonus marks for casting of Lynda Carter/Wonder Woman, as Principal Powers, who still lookin’ fiiiiiiiiine.

Verdikt: Great movie for kidz, comic book fans, and jaded monsters.

Rating: 7.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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