Continuing our Star Trek TOS rewatch! Come on, who’s watching along with me and Cookie Monster?
Me: Hunh. I remember this being a seminal episode back when I was a kid but, unlike, say, The Enemy Within, it fared much, much worse on rewatch. Silliness aside, I wasn’t at all sure what the hell was going on. Did these women have special powers? What were they? Why was Kirk immune?
Cookie Monster: Mebbe he built up a tolerance over time from all dat Kirking.
Me: The episode starts off promisingly enough with The Enterprise harassing an unidentified spaceship that looks like a flying cronut.
Cookie Monster: Cronut get in trubble and it blow up – but not before survivors manage to beam aboard Enterprise: guy called Harry and tree sexy ladies.
Me: Who looked like they’d been beamed out of the evening gown portion of the Miss Universe competition.
Cookie Monster: Scotty, who apparently not been wit a woman since high school, reakt like dey be made of chocolate chip cookie dough. Also, McCoy wide-eye grinning like he about to get some. Hey, dey not nickname him “Bones” for nothing!
We just blew our lithium crystals!
Me: Even Spock, initially, seems susceptible to their charms.
Cookie Monster: Yep, monster suspekt someting is up (Pun intended. Dis what me write dese reviews for after all)! Me also instantly suspishus of guy who talk like a leprecon.
Me: I found it interesting that after saving their lives – and being treated to a lingering triple butt shot of the ladies sashaying down the corridor – Kirk makes Harry submit to a lie detector test. Is this common practice for all passengers?
Cookie Monster: Of course! Monster sure dis not de last we’ll see of Enterprise lie detector. It do great job of catching Harry lying. Also, do bang-up job of finding copy of his old driver’s license.
Me: But Harry is of lesser concern in this scene because the women are definitely having an effect on the crew members – with the exception of Spock and (again, for some reason) Kirk. Physiological scans show: “Perspiration up! Blood pressure higher than normal!”
Cookie Monster: Set erektions to maximum!
Me: Anyway, instead of quarantining them – which would seem the wise thing to do – Kirk gives these strange women free run of the ship. One pays Dr. McCoy a visit. The second she shows up, he can’t wait to get rid of that cock-blocker, Connors (“Connors, are you finished?!” – throwing him that “Get lost, I’m about to get laid here” look_. Later, when she walks past his, uh, sensitive…er….equipment…he receives all sorts of strange readings, prompting him to ask her to walk past his medical instrument again.
Cookie Monster: For medikal purposes of course.
Me: She asks if he’d like to examine her but he turns her down on the basis that he “wouldn’t trust his judgement”. Dude!
Cookie Monster: Later, Kirk return to his quarters and find woman sprawled out on his bed. She be like: “You mind?” Kirk horrified, probably becuz lying on bed is one step away from borrowing your toothbrush. Gross.
Me: The women are able to exercise some sort of mind control over the male crew members.
Cookie Monster: Heh. Members.
Me: Then, suddenly, there’s a suggestion that there’s trickery afoot. Or a strange alien pill. Or magic.
Cookie Monster: One second, she be woman wit no make-up and, de next, she be woman WIT make-up!
Me: But is it mind over matter? It’s something one of the women hints at when she wonders whether self-confidence makes one beautiful: “Or is it that they act beautiful? No, strike that.”
Cookie Monster: Strike dat? What she be, in a court of law? Objektion sustained! Next witness!
Me: I feel as though something was left on the cutting room floor, something that would have given us a better understanding of these women and their powers – and why, exactly, they were so eager to go marry a bunch of doofus troglodytes and live out the rest of their lives on some barren mining planet.
Another perfect match. Thank you, eHarmony!
Cookie Monster: It look to me like she really, REALLY love to cook. And den, when hubby-to-be insult her cooking, she run off into dust storm. He run after her and Kirk…
Me: For some reason, Kirk doesn’t even help look for her.
Cookie Monster: Mebbe he not want to get involved in marital spat.
Me: Fortunately, the husband-to-be rescues her -
Cookie Monster: But he complain becuz she homely.
Me: Even though she just looks like the same woman – without make-up.
She’s not wearing make-up and her hair is messy! Avert your eyes! Aaaaaargh!
Cookie Monster: But Harry give her speshul pill dat improve her looks.
Me: Yes, he says the pills make “men more muscular and aggressive, women more feminine and beautiful”…but doesn’t mention any weird chemical properties that allow the people who take them to have a supernatural effect on others.
Cookie Monster: On de bottle, it specifikally state: “Not effektive on vulcans and spaceship captains.”
Me: She takes it and, magically, her skin clears up and she’s wearing make-up again. BUT the twist is that the pill was a placebo. It wasn’t the pill after all that made her beautiful. It was her belief in herself! Wait! What?!!
Cookie Monster: Yes, ladies, you too can have de confidence to have make-up magikally appear on your face.
Me: Wait. This doesn’t make any sense. How could she have been transformed by her belief in herself when we clearly see she lacks confidence, which is why she takes the pill in the first place?
Cookie Monster: Don’t ruin happy ending wit your nitpicking. Miner decide to keep her becuz she hot after all. Awwwww. Dat true love!
Our Star Trek TOS re-watch continues…soon! Apologies. My schedule is suddenly crazy. Believe it or not, I’ve been reading the same book for four days now. FOUR DAYS!
Anyway, Cookie Monster asked me to draw your attention to blog regular Bethany’s gofundme drive for a therapy dog: http://www.gofundme.com/ServiceDog4BethanyDraves
P.S. Happy Birthday to Golden Boy Martin Gero!
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