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CA posterNo offense to Captain America but, technically, wasn’t Thor de “First Avenger”?  Dis de first qwestion dat cross monster’s mind, followed by “Dis entire movie a period piece?” and “Did me forget to buy cake mix for Grover’s potluck supper next Toosday?”.

Monster sit down to watch Captain America wit an open mind and, while me pleasantly surprised by rip-roaring first half, overall movie make it abundantly clear dat Captain America be a flawed hero.  He not as cool as Iron Man or as mighty as Thor or even as interesting as Spiderman. At de end of de day, he about as awesome as Linoleum Girl or Unsweetened Oatmeal Man.  Still, Cap’s alter-ego, Steve Rogers be a very interesting charakter – for about half de movie anyway and, at de point when it become less about Steve and more about action and speshul effekts, dis film flounder for me like, well, a flounder.

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Hey, Scarecrow, you’re in the wrong movie!

Movie open on diskovery of crashed ship in Antarctika.  Inside, men find frozen star spangled shield.  What it be?  What it mean?  Well, for answer to dat, we flashback to…

1942 where evil nazi (As opposed to what?  Good-hearted, lovable nazi?) kill old village priest and steal glowy cube.  What it be?  What it mean?  Well, for answer to dat, we go to…

Steve Rogers, a skinny, sickly guy who want to enlist in de army but refused because he TOO skinny and sickly.  He get bullied, beaten up, and generally feel bad about staying behind with all de girls while lucky guys go off to war.  He get taken in by kindly German scientist who offer him opportunity to serve.  Steve agree to undergo experimental serum treatment and, before you can say “Hulk smash!” he be transformed into dreamy hunk!

MUCH better!

MUCH better!

Monster here must make speshul mention of spektacular visual effekts dat transform aktor as handsome and ripped as Cookie Monster into gawky geeky Grover-looking guy.  It truly a fascinating achievement.

Anyhoo, spy kill German scientist and we treated to transformed Steve chasing down bad guy and saving de day.  Suddenly, skinny/sickly Steve (moderately) super fast, (moderately) super strong, and (moderately) super agile.  He obviously destined for great tings!  He destined for…

BROADWAY!

Gotta dance!!!

Gotta dance!!!

Seriously, dude.

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Okay.  Serious.

BUT when Steve find out his old buddy Bucky be captured by nazi’s, he decide he want to go reskue him.  And because he display such great onstage dancing ability (????), he happily dropped behind enemy lines in his Broadway attire and shield.

As Captain America, he infiltrate nazi facility and face off against super-nazi called The Red Skull.  Why he be called Red Skull?  What dat mean?  For de answer to dat…

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“Skullsy McScarlet” already taken.

You have to watch de movie instead of reading dis review but let’s just say he be called Red Skull for a very good reason.  Dat has someting to do wit him having a red skull.

Captain America so awesome, he reskue Bucky and bunch of prisoners, den walk dem all de way back from Germany.

Government suddenly realize full potenshul of Captain America and cast him in off-off-Broadway produktions of “Kick Nazi Ass!”.  He go on various missions where he…Kick Nazi Ass!  He lead team against Red Skull lab and nazis armed wit energy weapons dat demolecularize people but, for some mysterious reason, bounce off Cap’s shield.

Cap showdown wit Red Skull on super jet carrying atomic bombs, each one carefully labeled so grievous error not made like dropping New York atomic bomb on Chicago.  How embarrassing would DAT be?

Captain America steer jet safely into ocean where it crash and he lost until…flashforward to…

Steve wake up and freak out.  He find himself in modern day Times Square where he shocked to hear it be 70 years later!  And de Chicago Cubs still haven’t won a World Series!

Verdikt: A movie dat start surprisingly strong and interesting but become less so as focus shift from charakter to action and speshul effekts.  Ultimately, it straightforward and kind of bland – like its hero.

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

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GL - poster

What if Deadpool became Green Lantern?  Dis seem to be de qwestion dis movie try to answer.

Unlike it’s more ambitious predecessors, Green Lantern aspire to be little more den a quasi-entertaining kids movie.  And it aktually succeed, offering a uncomplikated story devoid of riveting drama or charakters but also free of de stoopid plot twists dat tipify de genre. GL may not be a great movie, but it certainly not as terrible as monster expekt!

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Wit dis ring, I thee kick ass.

A short time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a dangerous creature called Parallax eskape from space prison.  He attack a space station manned by alien named Abin Sur, member of intergalactic police force known as De Judoon Peacekeepers Rangers Green Lantern Corps!  Abin Sur eskape and, seriously injured, crash land on Earth.

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Parallax have serious case of dragon breath!

Realizing he be dying, Abin Sur take off his power ring, de source of his power (dats why it be called a POWER ring) and send it off to find someone worthy.  It fly off and choose…brash, quippy mercenary test pilot Wade Wilson Hal Jordan, gifting him ability to fly, create giant green hard light constructs out of his imagination, and squeeeeze into tight green spandex outfit.  Why it choose Hal?  Because he be fearless!  Not “missing his amygdalae and literally can’t experience sensation of fear” fearless but “cocky and stoopid” fearless.  Er – close enough.

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Egghead Eggplanthead scientist – Hector Hammond

Meanwhile, government diskover crashed alien ship and hire nerd scientist, Hector Hammond, to study dead alien.  Unfortunately for HH, he end up getting infekted by second alien life form (Parallax) and acquire abilities like mind reading, telekinesis, and literal “fat head”. Also emphysema.

Hal go for a space joyride, get into trouble, and wake up on OA, planet and HQ of De Green Lantern Corps where he meet other weird-looking Lanterns, train, and get showed up by Lantern leader who look like love child of Spock and Clark Gable.  But monster not trust dis guy at all. Why not?  Becuz his name be…SINESTRO!  Come on!

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Lanternpaolooza!

Hal return home after deciding being a Green Lantern not for him.  But he keep de ring anyway.  Just in case.  Back in space, we diskover Parallax on his way to OA for revenge.  Turn out he a former chairman of de board of OA who went all evil and transformed by de power of fear and de color yellow.  Yep.  Yellow!  Sinestro suggest only way to stop Parallax be to harness power of fear…and yellow…into a ring!  Yep! YELLOW!

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Would you trust dis guy?

Back at sekret government lab, government agents chatting to Hector Hammond fail to notice his head be expanded to five times its usual size, so Hector able to get drop on dem wit his telekinetic powers.  BUT Hal, who changed his mind about de whole Green Lantern ting, show up in nick of time.  Why?  How he know where to show up?  Good qwestion!

Hal find out Parallax planning picnic stopover at Earth on way to OA so he can snack on human fear and power up.  Hal fly to OA and tell dem. For some reason, OA be dicks and not want to help.  But Hal say he not need help.  He just ask dem to let him fight for his world.  Hunh?  It not made clear why he need deir permission and, after not getting it, he fly back to Earth and do it anyway.

Hal showdown wit Hector.  Parallax show up and start feeding on people’s fear.  Hal battle him, creating all sorts of silly giant green weapons like catapult and rail gun.  It about at dis point in dat me realize Green Lantern be one helluva silly superhero and his powers just slightly less embarrassing den Elongated Man, Matter Eater Lad and Infectious Lass (who, incidentally, Grover dated for five months back in 2011).

Dey take battle to space.  Hal use sun’s gravitational pull to defeat Parallax and, before he can get swallowed too, he get reskued by Green Lantern Corps lead by Sinestro!  But monster still not trust him.  Why not?  Because his name be SINESTRO!

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Ho hum.  LOVE!

Cue compulsory love scene between Hal and his girlfriend.  De End.

Except for last quick scene in which Sinestro, for some reason, decide to put on yellow power ring.  Oh, wait.  Me know reason why.

Because he be named SINESTRO!!!

Verdikt: Me expekting a lot worse.  It aktually NOT terrible!  But not great either.

Rating: 6.0 chocolate chippee cookies

P.S. Ryan “Stitch” Nixon – Monster want to hear from you!  What de inside skoop?  Was Parallax a diva?

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X1 posterWatching X-Men: First Class like dating smart, beautiful she-monster who be fantastik company – until she drink too much, start rambling, talk about her ex, linger over espresso, and leave you wishing date could have ended sometime after dessert and before she vomit in your cabriolet.  Disappointing because movie start off VERY strong but, sadly, overstay it’s welcome like a visiting uncle Herb.

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Guess what number me tinking.  Wrong.  Blue!

Movie open in WWII concentration camp where boy, Erik, demonstrate superpower of magnetism when he get angry – much to de delight of evil Nazi, Professor Footloose (second worst miscasting in recent supermovie memory), who kill his mother to reawaken his abilities.  For some reason, Erik destroy room, crush nazi soldier skulls, but leave mom-killer alive – even tho monster pretty sure professor’s glasses could have been pretty effektive/gruesome weapon.

Meanwhile, in England, another boy, Charles Xavier, who have mind-reading/control powers, walk into his kitchen and befriend shapeshifter-burglar, Mystique.  Awww.  You see?  Mebbe you can make friends wit a burglar too if you only make de effort.

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Magneto, Master of Tai-Chi

Twenty years later, everyone grown up (Which, incidentally, make dem in deir 20′s in de 1960′s.  So, doing de math, Professor X and Magneto be around 75 years old in de X-Men movies.).  Erik trying to track down Professor Footloose who, for some reason, look twenty years younger den he did during WWII.  In addition to better looking, he also got hisself three mutant assistants and plan to start WWIII.  He really tinking BIG!

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Smiles, everyone.  Smiles!

Wit help of Charles Xavier and Mystique, CIA go after Professor Footloose.  But he eskape in sekret submarine which, incidentally, be standard on most supervillain yachts.  On de bright side, Charles make new ally in de process = brooding Erik.  BFF, dey team up and recruit teen mutants.

While teen mutants settle in and play Big Brother, Charles and Erik go to Russia where dey capture Professor Footloose henchwoman, Emma Frost (WORST miscasting in recent supermovie history) who about as interesting as a fish ice sculpture – and learn of his plan.

While Charles and Erik be in Russia, Professor Footloose attack teen mutants.  He kill one, take another, and massakre many CIA agents.

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Believe it or not (and you probably not believe it by dis picture) but she one of de worst tings about dis movie.

Lots of time wasted wit secondary charakters.  Mutants train.  Den put on new team uniforms and go after Professor Footloose and co. while trying to head off nuclear war.  Plenty of action!  Explosions!  Cool visual effekts!  Erik finally get his revenge on Professor Footloose and steal his hat.  Charles paralyzed.  Nuclear war averted.

In movie’s final scenes, wheelchair-bound Charles open up school for gifted mutants.  Erik (aka Magneto), meanwhile, wit support of mercenary mutants inkluding Mystique, break White Queen out of jail. Presumably so dat she can get de help she needs.  Me hoping acting lessons!

Verdikt: A good movie dat about a half hour too long to be a great movie.

Rating: 7.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

Past supermovie reviews here: http://cookiemonstermovereviews.wordpress.com/ (Thor, Megamind, Green Hornet, etc.).

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Thor - posterDis movie slower den Snuffleupagus backing up.  It take longer to get going den Grover de morning after Furries Night at Ye Olde Sesame Street Pub.

Movie begin in 965 AD when Odin, King of Asgard, defeat army of Frost Giants and save de nine realms (Earth, Middle Earth, Lower Earth, Ringworld, Narnia, Neverland, Westeros, Oz, and De Mushroom Kingdom).  A truce be called but, years later, it broken by de Frost Giants who try to steal de source of deir power – let’s call it de frost box.  Dis not sit very well wit our dreamy hero, Thor, son of Odin, who enlist help of his fellow Norse Gods – de most un-Scandinavian looking bunch since de Muppet Show pit band, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.

Dreamy

Dreamy

Thor and co. visit Frost Giants and kick ass.  Odin show up, reprimand Thor, and punish him by banishing him to Earth.

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Odin have a temper.  And a golden eye patch.

On Earth, Thor, stripped of his godly powers but still holding onto his heavenly good looks, get reskued by team of scientists in New Mexico. Scientists not sure what to do wit him.  He a real fish out of water, claiming be a god, and seem downright crazy.  On de other hand, his abs be pretty spektacular – so scientists decide to let him hang around.

Meanwhile, it turn out Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir, banished to New Mexico too.  It get diskovered by locals, den government agents, but no one able to pick it up.  Thor hear about it, sneak in, try to pick it up – but can’t. He captured but eskape and develop fast-track romance with sexy scientist over course of one maudlin night-time conversation.

Meanwhile, we diskover dat Thor’s brother, Loki, behind all de Frost Giant trouble.

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Loki

It turn out he helping de Frost Giants because he really a Frost Giant baby adopted by Odin after de war.  But why, you may ask, he not look anyting like a Frost giant?  Shut de F up, me may answer.

Meanwhile, Thor’s buddies travel to Earth to get him back.  But Loki find out and send de Destroyer, a automated Asgard sekurity system, after dem to kill Thor.  Great aktion sekwence ensue.  Thor’s buddies getting deir asses kicked.  Thor offer to sacrifice himself for his friends. Dis prove he be worthy and Mjolnir fly to him.  Finally, he be Thor again and fun can start!  Halfway through de movie :(

Hammer Time!

Hammer Time!

Thor defeat Destroyer.  He and his buddies return to Asgard to stop Loki from leading Frost Giants against Odin -

BUT it turn out Loki set up entire scenario to defeat Frost Giants once and for all and prove himself to Odin.  Turns out he just be misunderstood.  Awwwwwwww.

Thor destroys de rainbow bridge, cutting off Asgard from Earth and puppy heaven.  Loki allow himself to fall into dark abyss after his feelings hurt by Odin.

Back on Earth, pretty scientist pining away for Thor and his abs. Meanwhile, it revealed that Loki be still alive!  Dun-dun-DAAAAAH!

Verdikt: Great once it finally get going – halfway thru de movie.

Rating: 6.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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In early March of this year, I started a quest for my new favorite show by listing eight promising candidates (March 2, 2013: Help me choose my new favorite show!), shows I’d heard great things about but had yet to check out, and asking you all to weigh in with your thoughts. Well, two months later, I’ve checked out half of them.  

After five episodes in, I decided Justified simply wasn’t for me. Boardwalk Empire, on the other hand, was a pleasant surprise in that I was expecting the first season to be slow but, instead, found it well-paced and absorbing.  Well written and great acting all around (including a couple of terrific supporting performances by Michael Stuhlbarg as Arnold Rothstein and Anatol Yusef as Meyer Lansky).  I’ve finished the first two seasons and, while I’m enjoying the show, I’m reserving judgement on the big end of season 2 shocker.  All things considered, I’m unconvinced by Nucky’s actions – all things considered. Of greater concern is the fact that the third season picks up 18 months after the fact, meaning we don’t get to witness the immediate impact and fallout of this dramatic development.  I also checked out the first season of Girls and, again, was pleasantly surprised.  I had no doubt it was a quality show but my expectations were low simply because I didn’t think the subject matter would appeal to me.  Well, I may not know much about twenty-something girls living in New York but what I’ve learned has been damn entertaining so far.  I’ll definitely be moving on to season 2.  Finally, I’m about halfway through Downton Abbey, yet another show I wound up enjoying a lot more than I thought I would.  

So, 3 out of 4.  Mighty impressive.  

I figure that by the time I’ve caught up on Boardwalk Empire (season 3), Girls (seasons 2 and 3), and Downton Abbey (seasons 2 and 3), I’ll be able to transition smoothly on to Game of Thrones (season 3) and Breaking Bad (final season) before moving on to Luther, Sherlock, Californication, Archer, and Shameless (on my friend Tara’s recommendation).  Looking forward to some great t.v. watching.  Yep, so long as I don’t end up having to produce a new series, it’ll be smoooooooooooth sailing.

Oh, in addition, I finally got around to checking out the Battlestar Galactica miniseries (which I quite liked), and have been watching Akemi’s favorite new comedy, Community.  Brilliant first season but we’ve found the second season a little uneven.  Finally, there’s Survivor, the only reality series I watch, and the only show I have to watch the same night it airs.  Three great tribal councils in the last three episodes.  If there’s a lesson to be learned from the past few eliminations, it’s to not double-cross your alliance too soon.  Now, my money’s on Cochran.    

I am also continuing my heard reading ways.  Just finished The Mammoth Book of Gangs (research for a potential series) and am about a third of the way through Nicholas Pileggi’s Wiseguy, the wholly absorbing account of mob insider Henry Hill’s life in the mafia.  A tough book to put down.  I started it this morning and should finish it tonight.  

Some recent recommended reads: Zenith Lives!  The Tales of M. Zenith, the Albino, Robert Silverberg’s Dying Inside, and Thanos Rising (Jason Aaron). 

Mailbag:

Tam Dixon writes: “Did you decide on a location for your career path?”

Answer: Not yet.  I’m going to exhaust my opportunities here in Vancouver before deciding to move elsewhere.  Still waiting to hear on two projects that would, ideally, shoot here if given the go-ahead.  A third, the horror script, could also be shot here – but that one is a little more of a reach.  Another project, if green lit, would take me to Toronto.  If none of these pan out, Paul and I will be heading to L.A. for some meet and greets.  On the bright side, if I did sell my house in Vancouver and move south, I could get a mighty sweet please for comparative value.  I could even have a backyard pool I would never use!

Mike writes: “I’m curious about the safety glasses SG1 started wearing. They wear them for a number of episodes, then when they invade the base in season eight’s “Reckoning Part 2″, they are not wearing safety glasses, nor is the support teams.
Why did they start wearing them? Was this Workers Compensation Board order or an insurance issue?”

Answer: Unfortunately, I don’t remember the specifics but, given the past history of wardrobe and prop decisions, I suspect they wore them because it was felt they looked cool.  Which was the same reason the helmets were ditched very early on (they were uncool) and the P-90′s were adopted (they were cool AND comfy because they allowed the actors to rest their arms).

Laura writes: “Is anybody planning on doing a SGU/ SGA / SG1 continuation at some stage soon!????? I am dying out here ! Sci Fi is well… you know what I mean.. ridiculous without our fav. SG shows.. but i know.. perhaps wishful thinking.. has anybody considered reducing the production costs by using CGI ?”

Answer: CGI (visual effects) are one of the biggest line items in a budget so using more would actually increase expenses.  If, on the other hand, you’re talking about using virtual sets, I believe I fielded this one already.  Virtual sets LOOK like virtual sets.  Until the technology improves, they’re a poor substitute for the real thing.

Joanie writes: “You said a while ago you were thinking about dedicating a blog about writing. It that something you still have planned?”

Answer: Hmmm.  Over the many years I’ve been blogging, I’ve dedicated many entries to the subject of writing (Here are a few: Writing | Josephmallozzi’s WeblogDecember 12, 2008: Beating Out the Beat Sheet).  Was there something in particular you were wondering about the process?  

Randomness writes: “1. How are your projects going Joe? Well I hope? Hang in there!”

Answer: Thanks and see above.  Still in a holding pattern but making alternate plans nevertheless.

“2. Watching any anime shows lately?”

Answer: The last anime series Akemi and I watched was Sword Art Online.  Loved the premise and the first few episodes but it began to feel repetitive after a while.  Then, when they switched game settings, they lost me.

Randomness also writes: “In the episode Full Circle, as well all know, Anubis destroyed Abydos. When Stargate Command were able to re establish contact with the planet again, Skaara explains that what they’re seeing is mearly an illusion.

Would you say that he recreated Abydos as a way of saying goodbye? Or do you think he basically manipulated time in some way and brought back an echo of the real Abydos, but without the people?”

Answer: What the team saw was an illusion, recreated for them by Skaara.  

majorsal writes: “Can you get brad wright to tell the fans the scene of how sam and jack were going to be confirmed to be together in the 3rd sg1 movie?”

Answer: I can certainly ask him for the specifics the next time I see him.  From what I remember, it’s a scene that sees Jack and Sam out for dinner.  Their conversation pretty much confirms they are together.

livingforcreativity writes: “In a perfect world…and all things being equal…which TV project/movie is your top choice to work on?”

Answer: Hmmm.  Tough to say.  Given the deep backstory we’ve established for Dark Matter, it’s a series that would be a lot of fun to write – and allow us to re-team with a lot of the same crew we worked with on Stargate.  On the other hand, the last pilot I wrote which has generated some very promising interest is a rare non-genre entry – and attractive because it would be so different from everything else Paul and I have worked on to date.

The Old Payroll Tax Lady writes: “Do you know any of the writers on Psych? A few weeks ago they talked about pugs, showed a picture of a black pug, and introduced a new character named Maximus. Was this a shoutout?”

Answer: Someone else mentioned this on the blog a while ago.  Alas, I don’t know any of the writers on Psych.  Would’ve been nice though.  

oups writes: “what about Veronica mars, a film will be made because of the fans and Chuck, an other serie, want to have his own film?”

Answer: Unlikely for the reasons outlined here: March 14, 2013: Veronica Mars fans are finally getting their movie …

Kathode writes: “Alas, I don’t see myself going to Fable Kitchen anytime soon. 5 out of 8 dinner entrees contain mushrooms.”

Answer: I’m sure they’d be more than happy to substitute something else for the mushrooms if you asked.

Lauren writes: “Sorry, off topic comment, but did you see this tweet?  James‏@bellagelateria12h
So yes we are developing a gelato mochi & should be ready & available in May! Stay tuned for more details. pic.twitter.com/vQA6Wl7ULT  Thoughts?”

Answer: I’m not a huge mochi fan but Akemi is, of course, intrigued.  She’s very curious about the finished product.  After all, mochi is a labor-intensive process.

oups writes: “in 2011, you’ve said that you will do a comic book if no movie.”

Answer: That would be the studio’s call and, even if they did give a comic book continuation the green light, I wouldn’t be the guy to write it.

Buster Frank writes: “Was looking for a place to post this. I was wondering if Joseph was aware of this:http://www.change.org/petitions/netflix-save-stargate-universe

Answer: One third of the way there!  Impressive!

DP writes: “What was the word on those projects?”

Answer: See above.  Still no word.  Which leaves me plenty of time for other pursuits like reading.

“Mammoth Book of Gangs…you read about some colorful folk. Professional research?”

Answer: Yep – that rare non-genre pilot I mentioned.

“What’s your opinion on whether the writers of The Walking Dead (TV Series) have done their research on psychopaths?”

Answer: I don’t know what kind of research they’ve done, but The Governor certainly fits the bill.

“Why were you researching autism spectrum disorders?”

Answer: I was researching it for yet another pilot that I’ve placed on hold for now pending word on the other projects.  

“If two years from now I were writing a trivia pack on the topic of science fiction, what question could I include then that wouldn’t make any sense now? If you need to be more cryptic, you could provide a redacted question and/or assume the question falls under an informative category name.  What science fiction trivia question would be too niche-audience to ask now, but could be asked two years from now because the relevant story-line will have reached a broader science fiction audience by then?”

Answer: Er…I don’t follow.

Ponytail writes: “Did Carl ever mention what the worst weather part of living in California was? Do you realize they got it all? Earthquakes, high winds, fog, rain, mud slides, fires, Lindsay Lohan. Beautiful place but deadly.”

Answer: Carl never mentioned a specific “worst weather part of living in California” but I do know for a fact that he isn’t  a big fan of earthquakes.  

“What would you live in, in California? Apartment, high rise, condo, rent house, hotel suite, with friends?”

Answer: Marty G. suggests that if I do make the move, I should buy a house – but Akemi would certainly push for a condo.  

“How is Bubba and his paw doing?”

Answer: Much better thanks.  He’s keeping the weight off his new bandage.  Obviously doesn’t want to scuff it up.

“If you cannot get a television series for Dark Matter, what’s next for that project? It is too good to be just put on the shelf for later.”

Answer: We’ve been waiting for the final piece to fall into place on the Dark Matter front for – well – quite a while now.  In the event of an 11th hour collapse, we still have enough players – and potential players – to make it happen elsewhere.  But it would take time.

“Do you have a favorite #1 book of all time? And why?”

Answer: Don’t know if I actually have a #1 book of all time.  Among my favorites – The Dark Beyond the Stars, Old Man’s War, Joe Abercrombie’s First Law series, George R.R. Martin’s Song of Ice and Fire series, The Empire of Ice Cream, Use of Weapons, The Player of Games, Camp Concentration, Stories of Your Life and Others, The Princess Bride,  The Speed of Dark, The Scar, Glasshouse, Armor, The Ophiuchi Hotline, Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events series, The SFWA European Hall of Fame, Lord of Light, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, Heroes Die, The Somnambulist, Misery, Fool, City of Thieves, The Man Who Ate Everything, It Must Have Been Something I Ate, Flashman, Lost At Sea: The John Ronson Mysteries, The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry.

mamasue9 writes: “Star Trek(CBS) is premiering a web series at Phoenix Comicon May 24 titled Star Trek Continues. It picks up where TOS left off. Any word from MGM to do something like this with Stargate?”

Answer: Alas, no.  It’s been all quiet on the studio front re: Stargate for years now.

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First things first!  My french bulldog, Lulu, eating kale chips.  Please raise volume to maximum before viewing:

Picture 1

One of the worst kept secrets on this blog has been the identity of that scifi series Paul and I have been trying to set up.  As many of you know, back when we were working on Stargate, we started developing our own SF series in the hopes of rolling right into production with the same crew if and when Stargate ever ended.  The only problem at the time was that there was no end in sight.  Every time we thought Stargate would close up shop, the show would get picked up for another season.  It was a classy problem that allowed us to really flesh out the concept and characters of this prospective new show.

Unfortunately, when Stargate did end, the timing proved difficult. Instead of taking advantage of our terrific Stargate crew, we ended up having to put our project on hold while we took a job in Toronto.  But rather than relegate it to the back burner, we thought of an interesting way to go – and a great way to help sell the show.  We hooked up with Dark Horse Comics and launched the series idea as a comic book.

DARKMTR #1 CVRThe first four issues of Dark Matter garnered great reviews and, when the trade paperback came out in October, we used it as a calling card. Having worked in development, I was aware of, and wanted to draw on, the added appeal of an established property.  Also, half the battle of pitching is to help a potential buyer imagine the project you have created – and I could think of no better pitch document than that trade paperback.

DM4We went out with a story backed by some fantastic visuals compliments of artist Garry Brown and colorist Ryan Hill.  The response was incredibly positive.  Even more so after Paul and I delivered the pilot script.  Still, my concern was the budget, making sure we had enough money to do it properly (visual effects don’t come cheap after all!), so I was heartened by word from our producing partner today that the response in Europe has been equally great.

Now all that remains is for that final piece of the puzzle to fall into place.  Yes, we’ve been waiting a while but all indications are we’ll be receiving word soon.  If it’s positive, then things are going to get very busy very quickly.  If it’s not, then we’ll have to go elsewhere for that final piece – which will, of course, delay things.

But hopefully it all comes together as expected.  And, once it does, dare I say it…

No, better not.

Mailbag:

shinyhula writes: “And why no zombies on this list? Night of the Living Dead, 28 Weeks Later, Zombieland; what have the unliving done to deserve your scorn?”

Answer: I was listing Scariest Endings and, off the top of my head, none of the zombie entries came to mind.  Well, now that I think of it, maybe the original Night of the Living Dead would have been a good candidate.

ancuetas writes: “Is that you know what music is there at the beginning of the video.”

Answer: This piece of music, from SG-1′s Demons, was before my time (I joined the show in its fourth season), but it’s safe to assume that it was composed by the late, great Joel Goldsmith.

dasndanger writes: “Also, this whole thing with the shutting down of cell towers in cases like this? That’s why I still have a corded old timey landline tele-o-phone.”

Answer: Hmmm.  Good point.  I haven’t had a landline in four years.

RLAVILLA writes: “Recently there have been two new Stargate games for Android and iPhone, and I think that will be the new product line, which has been selected by MGM for Stargate franchise. How about converting “Stargate Extinction” in a game for these new platforms?”

Answer: Not my call.  That would be for the studio to decide.

Jen writes: “A tad random, but I went in on my birthday to have this done but the artist was booked up so I had it done yesterday.”

Answer: Great.  But I insist you draw the line at one of those Jaffa forehead tattoos.

baterista9 writes: “Just saw Cookie on Saturday at Sea World of Texas.”

Answer: Yes, he was there for his cousin Esmerelda’s wedding.

fsmn36 writes: “But the entire movie plays off the alcoholic!Tony arc from the comics and the Rhodey scene makes 20x more sense when you consider Tony is basically planning on suicide/knows he’s going to die. What seems a tacky action scene becomes a heart breaking fight between friends while Tony desperately gives everything he loves away to the few people that matter to him.”

Answer: Sounds terrific.  Unfortunately, none of that came across onscreen.

gforce writes: “Did you ever take Akemi up to Whistler yet? You should take her out to a nice dinner or even a weekend up there!”

Answer: I retired my krazy karpet years ago.

Seth writes: “How hard would it be to get the cast on board for a Kickstarter for the series or movies? Looks as if Veronica Mars just got 5.5 million in Kickstarter funds from fans!”

Answer: 5.5 million may seem like a lot, but consider that the previous SG-1 movies cost 7+ million each to produce – and those productions made use of existing sets and production personnel.

Tam Dixon writes: “Did you try one of the dog cookies for quality control? You did, didn’t you?”

Answer: I didn’t, but someone I know (hint: she’s Japanese) DOES taste test for quality control.

Tam Dixon also writes: “Anyways, what about another trip? New York, L.A. or maybe even go down South. I wouldn’t recommend Memphis, unless you bring a gun but what about New Orleans or Savannah, GA?”

Answer: Akemi definitely wants to go to New York and, after reading Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, I’ve wanted to check out Savannah.  That said, both L.A. and Vegas are closer and more likely short trip destinations.  This, of course, is entirely dependent on our finding a dog sitter.

astrumporta writes: “I think you should bring Akemi to San Francisco for her b-day!”

Answer: It’s also on the list.  Good eatin’!  How goes, Michelle?

pennlynn writes: “You’re brave man Joe! I like having a nice drink but other than the whiskey I’m not sure I would try that haul of liquor!”

Answer: I tried the Nikka whiskey with Lawren last night when he came over for the American Horror Story marathon.  It was damn good, and much better straight up than on the rocks.  How went the t.v. interview?

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IR2 posterMonster like to rate sekwels on what me call de Sliding Celebrity Sibling Scale.  It start at Clint Howard and go all de way up to Mark Wahlberg.  Given how much me enjoy first Iron Man, me expect Iron Man 2 to be a real Stephen Baldwin.  But it surpass monster’s expektations and, initially, me consider it a solid Casey Affleck.  But, in preparing dis review and after further reflektion, me have to downgrade it to a Randy Quaid.

x

Iron Man catches Saturday Night Fever

Iron Man 2 pick up not long after first Iron Man end.  U.S. government mad at Tony Stark because dey want to militarize his tech.  Tony refuse and, instead, he do what regular folk do to blow off steam: drink, sleep around, and race in de Monaco Grand Prix.

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Maybe he should stick to Nascar.

Unfortunately, race interrupted by crazy Russian played by Mickey Rourke who, again, be typecast as evil genius.  Motivated by family revenge, he attack Tony wit…er…super electric whips.  But he get his ass beaten because Tony able to change into his Iron Man suit.  And, also, because he be armed wit…er…super electric whips.

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Who else would you get to play part of brilliant scientist?

Russian sent away to prison but later busted out by Tony’s business rival, Justin Hammer, who evidently have desperate need to fill sociopathic affirmative action position within his company.  While Justin leave Russian free hand on his technologies…

Tony continue love-annoy relationship with Pepper Potts who he appoint new Stark Industries CEO.  Sekwel offer some great scenes between dese two and also his chauffeur/bodyguard/director Happy Hogan.  All in all, dialogue in dis movie be as sharp as a super electric whip.  Dat’s pretty sharp!  

In another interesting subplot dat go absolutely nowhere, we learn Tony suffering from blood toxicity caused be his own suit.  Being Iron Man is killing him.  Literally!  It be a great dilemma dat, sadly, given short shrift and too easily addressed before movie’s end.

x

Nat from accounts receivable.

Another subplot involve Natahsa Romanoff (aka Black Widow) who be working undercover at Stark Industries to assess Tony.  Her presence in dis movie, along wit a couple of scenes involving Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D., do nothing to advance de story and only serve to set up future Avengers movie.  And give fanboys boners.  

At one point, Tony get so drunk he end up facing off against his best buddy, Rhodey.  In full battle gear!  It be one of de most ridikulous sekwences in dis movie and feel like an attempt to address a producer’s skript note: “De second act be kind of dragging.  We need to insert some aktion.  Who cares if it not make any sense.”

Because he show poor judgement (if dat what you call almost killing a bunch of innocent bystanders) Tony put under house arrest. Meanwhile, Justin Hammer make big demonstration  showing off his new line of iron suits to be purchased by U.S. military – and modeled by Rhodey.

BUT Russian somehow (Hey, me already mention he be a genius) hack into iron suits and sic dem on Iron Man.  

Big aktion sekwence ensues!  Iron Man vs. Rhodey.  Iron Man vs. iron suits.  Iron Man and Rhodey vs. iron suits.  Iron Man and Rhodey vs. Crazy Russian.

Movie end wit a medal ceremony, rooftop kiss, and misplaced god paraphenalia.

Verdikt: Great performances, dialogue and aktion sekwences undone by weak plotting.  Dis sekwel be less Beau Bridges and more Brian Doyle Murray.   

Rating: 6.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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KA posterDis film be filled wit violence, torture, and a little girl charakter more potty-mouthed den Grover dat time he developed “chemikal burns” on his blueberries after jacuzzi party wit Madonna.  It be a terruble, TERRUBLE movie for kids.

But a super, FANTASTIK movie for monster.  Me loved it!

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Say hello to my little friends.

Kick Ass ask de qwestion: What if?  What if a regular kid wit no super powers or fancy gadjets, armed only wit de human spirit and courage of his own conviktions, decided to be a superhero?  What would happen?

Well, he would get the crap beat out of him and nearly killed of course. Which be exaktly what happen to our hero, a lovable high school loser after he buy himself a mail-order costume and take on persona of…Kick-Ass!  On de one hand, he almost die.  On de other hand, he rushed to hospital and get bunch of metal plates inserted into his broken body so dat, in his words, he “look like freakin’ Wovlerine!”. Yep, metal plates be terruble for getting thru airport security, but pretty great for taking punches to de head.  Just avoid standing too close to microwave ovens.

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She could handle herself on de mean streets of Sesame

Kick-Ass hit de streets and test out his harder-to-hurt new body.  He still get de crap kicked out of him – but dis time, witnesses take cell phone videos of beatdown.  He become biggest internet sensation since square-dancing monkey.  Emboldened, he go have a talk wit ex-boyfriend of girl he like from skool.  Turn out he a drug dealer wit a short fuse for people who threaten and taze him.  Touchy!  He and his buddies about to kill Kick-Ass when – another superhero crash de party.  But, unlike Kick-Ass, dis superhero not playing pretend.  She de real deal.  And she be only eleven years old!  What an inspiration!

She demonstrate some pretty sweet moves, dispatching baddies in gruesome fashion to updated version of de Banana Splitz theme song.

Now monster not usually like kids in movies – but Hit Girl be an exception.  She like a cross between sword-wielding Kill Bill gal, dat Home Alone kid, and Paul Bettany after a few drinks.

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Batman dialed to 11

Hit Girl, of course, accompanied by her dad (Duh!  She only eleven!) a superhero called Big Daddy who remind monster of a brain-damaged Batman.  Turn out he former cop who be framed by mobster and kicked off de force.  His wife die, leaving him to raise his daughter de best way he know how – by shooting her and teaching her how to kill bad guys.  And you thought your dad was tuff!

It turn out dis same mobster now very pissed because drug dealer worked for him.  He tink Kick-Ass responsible and enlist help of his own so to trap him.  His son go undercover as superhero -

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Red Mist

Son (aka Red Mist) befriend Kick-Ass and use him to set up Big Daddy and Hit Girl.  Hit Girl shot and fall out window.  Big Daddy and Kick-Ass captured and tortured live on de internet.  But live events have way of going horribly wrong for Swedish quiz show hostesses, overenthusiastic sports reporters, and bad guys when Hit Girl show up and take dem out.

Sadly, too late for Big Daddy.  Which be bad news for mobster because dere’s nothing worse den an angry kid.  Who happens to be a costumed vigilante.

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Paybacks a bitch.  In a purple wig.

Hit Girl and Kick-Ass team up and go after mobster.  Blood!  Bullets! Blades! Bazooka!  And, in de end, we all learn valuable lesson about power, responsibility, and de correkt use of a jet pack shoulder-mounted machine guns.

Verdikt: Wild over-de-top fun!

Rating: 9.5 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies!

Goa’uld-related news: http://www.netbase.com/press-release/netbase-announces-intergalactic-language-support/

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W posterNoooooooooooooooo!  BIRDSEYE VIEW of monster on knees, head trown back, staring up at de sky in anguish while me scream: Nooooooooooooooooo!  DAT pretty much sum up monster’s review of dis movie.  Me know, me know.  Why would monster use such a hackneyed and cliched camera shot to sum up X-Men Origins: Wolverine?  Well, read on…

Noooooooooooo!

Noooooooooooo!

Story begin in mid-19th century where sickly kid named James sprout bone claws and kill gardener (who turn out to be his dad) for killing his dad (who turn out not to be his dad and also not a gardener).  CUT TO CHEESY BIRDS-EYE VIEW of kid on knees, head trown back, staring up at de sky, crying out.  Him and his brother run for it…

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Blood(y) Brothers

And keep running for it.  In film’s most inspired sekwence, we treated to de two immortal brothers as dey fight, side by side, in WWI, den WWII, den Vietnam, den other clashes.  It made painfully/clumsily obvious dat one brother good, de other bad.  Dey shot by firing squad (immortal too!) – but seem a-okay when military guy, Major William Stryker, pay dem a visit and offer dem a deal.

Brothers (let’s call dem Wolverine and Sabretooth) end up joining team of mutants for special op.  Among de team, fans of Marvel Comics may not rekognize Wade “super ninja” Wilson, aka Deadpool, who turn out to be a pale version of his comic book self…and, eventually, nothing at all like him.  Op leads dem to jungles of South America in search of mystery metal.  Dat where our hero, Wolverine, part ways wit de team – and his angry brother.

Six years later, angry brother kills his old teammate, a carnival hobbit. Why?  Dis never really explained.

Wolverine build new life for himself in de woods wit weird girlfriend who, in one of movie’s most ridikulous scenes, try to seduce him by telling him Native American legend of de Wolverine.  DIS be seksy?  Next day, Stryker show up at his work place and tell him someone killing off de old team members.  Based on de fakt dat one be dead.  Quite de pattern, huh?

Suddenly, Wolverine sense someting.  He find…decapitated wolverine.  ?   And diskover his girlfriend, dead.  Ish.  CUT TO: BIRD’S EYE VIEW of our hero, on his knees, head trown back, screaming.

Nooooooo

Noooooooo!

Boy, dat’s good film making.  Good 1990′s film making.

Wolverine track down his brother Sabretooth, to a…well, it supposed to be a bar but it look more like a garage wit some tables and chairs.  Nice work, locations department!  Brothers fight.  Wolverine get beat up.

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Always test de temperature of de water before getting in de bath!

Wolverine want revenge!  Stryker offer to make him indestruktible (despite fakt dat he already be pretty damn indestruktible).  He get injekted wit super metal, adamantium, dat coat his skeleton – and, somehow, his claws.  Stryker want to wipe his memory so Wolverine go beast mode and eskape.

Elderly couple diskover him in barn.  And, like most people who come across naked strangers on deir property, dey trust him completely and take him in.

And end up getting killed for it, thus confirming what monster’s grandmother, Grandma Monster, always said: “Nice guys finish dead”.

Stryker blows up barn but movie surprises us wit yet another cheesilicious shot – dis one of our hero racing away while someting explode behind him!

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Noooooooooooooo!

Damn.  De only ting missing from dis film be requisite shot of our hero walking slowly away as someting else explodes behind him like -

x

Noooooooooooo!

Yeah.  Like dat!

Wolverine try to track down Stryker.  For some reason, he have to box former obese teammate for information.  He track down another mutant, Gambit, who less Remy LeBeau from de comic books and more a steampunk stage magician.

Finally, Wolverine track Stryker down to sekret lab where he be holding a bunch of innocent mutants and….SURPRIZE!- his girlfriend who not really dead AND a mutant!  Shocking, no?  Meh.  Marginally interesting?  Meh.

While Wolverine frees prisoners, he and his brother team up against…Deadpool!

No!  Not Deadpool!  Some stoopid movie version of Deadpool who have sword claws and a bunch of other mutant powers.  What de Fudgee-o?

Just becuz dey call him Deadpool don't make him Deadpool

Just becuz dey call him Deadpool don’t make him Deadpool

Wolverine decapitate him.  Meanwhile, his girlfriend have chance to kill Stryker but she not do it becuz…Yep, you guessed it!…dat would make her no better den him.  Movie also does a great job ham-fisting other cliche beats: brothers’ love/hate relationship, “Me didn’t sign up for dis!” speech, “You’re not an animal – Oh, yes you are!” moment, and “You don’t have to do this” appeal.  Monster not sure, but me even remember a “I’m getting too old for dis” chestnut.

Young Professor X show up as mutant prisoners eskape and offer to help dem.  Really?  AFTER dey eskape?!  Nice timing, baldy!

VERDIKT: Nooooooooooooooo!  Wolverine and Sabretooth brothers? Silver Sable and White Queen Sisters?  And Deadpool…some other charakter entirely?  A movie dat tinks it be A LOT more clever den it aktually be.

RATING: 4.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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1

Who watches de Watchmen?  Well, Monster for one.  All 3+ hours of direktor’s cut.  It longer den a superbowl halftime show and inklude raspy-voice narration dat, at first, gimme flashback to craptakular Spirit – BUT, ultimately, monster like dis movie.  A lot.  It be smart, engaging, and thought-provoking.  For instance, scene where Nite Owl and Silk Spectre save people from apartment fire make monster wonder “Hey, did me forget to turn de stove off before me left apartment?”.  It also a visually spekatular movie full of beautifully composed shots and sekwences.  Dis Zack Snyder guy know what he doing.  If me ever find monster after my own heart (to love, not to devour so dat rule out chupacabra girl who always eyeing me outside Mr. Hooper’s shop), me want to hire Zack to shoot de wedding video. And, if necessary, dat chupacabra girl.  But only if he firearm trained.

De Comedian say: "Ha ha.  Joke on you, mofo!"

De Comedian say: “Ha ha. Joke on you, mofo!”

Movie open wit de death of de Comedian, a superhero who, despite his name, not very hilarious.  If Oscar de Grouch and Lindsay Lohan had love child, he would be de result.  Anyway, he get thrown out apartment and plunge to his death by VERY strong mystery attacker (hmmmm) – which segue into brilliant opening credit sekwence dat reveal backstory of dis Alternate Universe Earth where superheroes exist but outlawed by Richard Nixon who got voted into office six times (!), all accompanied to tune of Times Dey Are A Changing by Matt’s father, Bob.

Roarshack: Oooh!  Ooh!  Mr. Kottah!  Mr. Kottah!  Oooh!  Ooh!

Roarshack: Oooh! Ooh! Mr. Kottah! Mr. Kottah! Oooh! Ooh!

We introduced to a guy who dress up like a incognito ink blot.  His name be Roarshack.  He keep a written journal and movie interspersed wit his gravely-voiced entries.  But, luckily, only de interesting ones (ie. September 12: Baloney for dinner again.  Forgot to pick up milk.  Next time, remember: Milk.  Dozen eggs.  Pop tarts.)  He investigate death of Comedian and pay visit to an old friend, Dan (aka Nite Owl II) who hang out wit an even older friend, Hollis (aka Nite Owl I), and warn him about possible superhero-killer.  Also pay a visit to super rich businessman and former hero Ozzy to warn him.  Finally, he drop in on blue, occasionally pants-less energy guy Dr. Manhattan, and his girlfriend, Silk Spektre to warn dem.  But dat de least of deir problems. Doc Manhattan can see de future.  Possible nuclear armaggedon on de horizon!

Dr. M.  Why so blue?

Dr. M. Why so blue?

Comedian buried while we flashback to origins of dese heroes.  Ozzy tried and failed to unite heroes into policing force like Team America World Police.  Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre having relationship issues becuz she needy and he emotionless douchebag.  So she end up hooking up with Dan Nite Owl while Doc help Ozzy build nuclear energy plants for poor people.  Awwww.

During live interview, Dr. Manhattan ambushed by reporter.  Reveal his best friend died of cancer, and his ex-girlfriend now suffering from de disease.  Did he cause it?  He be radioactive?!  Why he always shirtless?  Doc M get annoyed and leave Earth for more laid back surroundings of Mars.

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Russia mobolizes its forces.  World on brink of nuclear armaggedon!

Nite Owl

Nite Owl.  De Dark Squire.

Roarshack continues his investigation.  Suspekts someone is targeting superheroes.  Ozzy avoids assassination attempt.  Roarshack set up while following a lead and sent to prison where he kick convikt ass and demonstrate improper use of hot kitchen grease (Check it out if you always wondering what to do wit dat leftover oil).  He finally get sprung by Nite Owl and Silk Spectre who don their own costumes and KICK ASS!  While dis going on, Hollis, de original Nite Owl, get attacked by street gang and killed.  It be one of movie’s best sekwences, wit Hollis punching gang members who transform into de various supervillains he fought in his past.  Great!

Silk Spectre.

Silk Spectre.  Close, but her boyfriend gets the award for “least dressed superhero”.

Silk Spectre travel to Mars with Doc Manhattan and plead wit him to save Earth, setting up another brilliant sekwence in which Doc M. diskusses de concept of time.  Meanwhile, Roarshack and Nite Owl follow leads and diskover individual behind death of Comedian, attack of Ozzy, setting up Roarshack, and giving cancer to Dr. Manhattan’s friends be…Ozzy!  In de words of Lou Diamond Philips: “Holy Shnikeys!”.

Nite Owl and Roarhack travel to Ozzy’s Antarctic base where he beat de crap out of dem and den reveal his master plan: to detonate nuclear facilities around de world.  Roarshack and Nite Owl vow to stop him – at which point Ozzy point out he not your stereotypical villain who reveal his plan so dat heroes can stop him.  Dey already too late.

Major cities have been destroyed including New York!  Energy signature connected to Dr. Manhattan!

Ozzy.  Evil genius or misunderstood evil genius?

Ozzy. Evil genius or misunderstood evil genius?

Doc Manhattan and Silk Spectre also show up – but too late to do anyting.  World now united (Hurray!) against greater enemy: Dr. Manhattan (B00!). Earth has pulled back from brink of nuclear armaggedon (Hurray!) = just like Ozzy planned (Boo!).  He sacrifice millions to save billions!  Everyone realize dey better off not revealing de truth.  Except for Roarshack, so he get blown up for his troubles.

Verdikt: Long but great movie, smart and visual spektacular.  But at times, Snyder a little too true to de original comic book and, as a result, Roarshack end up being de only charakter wit any true depth.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

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