Help me out here. I’m about to embark on a bunch of home repairs and – well, where to start? Seriously. Where to start? I’m the last person who should be doing home repairs. I mean, I wouldn’t know the difference between a Philips Screw and, well, the other ones. On the rare visits to Home Depot, I’m about as comfortable as a vampire in a church. When it comes to being a handyman, I can only be trusted as far as changing the light bulbs – and even then only under very strict supervision. My ex was in town the other week and I was listing the things that needed to get done around the house: replacing the light fixture in the upstairs bathroom, flushing the water heater, replacing the blinds. ”You’re also going to want to recaulk this,”she said, pointing to the area around the downstairs sink. ”Un… huh….yeah….”I said, perhaps not too convincingly because she immediately added: “I did it. You can do it.” But she didn’t sound all that confident.
Sure, I suppose I can caulk with the best of them, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true: I really can’t be trusted with home repairs. Hell, I probably shouldn’t even be trusted to hie someone to do home repairs on my behalf. So, okay, I hire an electrician to replace the light fixture and engage the services of a crack water heater flusher to flush the water heater, but who the hell do I hire to replace the chipped plastic runner at the bottom of the front door? A front door plastic runner specialist? And what do I do about replacing the blinds? Do door to door blind salesmen actually exist or are they just the stuff of jokes like alcoholic gorillas, heavyset mothers, and the close-knit friendships between rabbis, priests, and leprechauns? Do I really have to feign interest while the guy who just fixed my central vac runs me through my motor issues? Isn’t there someone I can hire to do that? In other words, someone I can hire to hire someone to do the job?
I’m sure there is and I’m sure I can. I just don’t know where to find them. What should I be googling? Home Fixer Grand Master? Overseer of Home Repairs? Maintenance Elves Inc.?
You could really help me out by suggesting someone. Or better yet, swinging by and replacing that front door runner.