May 14, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club Reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Meteor Man!

Meteor Man written and directed by Robert Townsend.  To be honest, me prefer his Chinatown.  Still, monster surprized me not hate dis movie.  Sure, it all sortz of stoopid and itz hero as interesting as a deli sandwitch named after David Caruso, but it not all bad.  Only mostly bad.

After opening theme muzik dat sound suspishushly like opening to Superman, we introduced to our hero.   Jeff, is quiet skool teacher living in bad nayborhood run by street gang dat look like MC Hammer back-up dancers.  Dey led by guy who carry slinky around.  Letz call him…

Slinky.

Gang in Michael Jackson’s Beat It video look hard comparison.

Jeff chased by street gang.  He gets away, but den chased by meteor. It aktually fall out of sky and chase him down an alley before crashing into him.  Now dat one determined, spiteful meteor!

Jeff end up at hospital but mirakulously healed.  And he have other superpowerz too: flying, superstrong, x-ray, able to know everyting about a book for turdy sekonds after he touch it! Oh, he also able to understand his dog who sound like robot and give worst performance by talking dog since Maraduke Has de Runs.  Anyway, he fight gang and win!  He tell his mom to keep his superpowerz a sekret, but she so proud, she tell EVERYONE!  Now whole nayborhood know!

Inkluding his good friend who work for CNN.  And de dark side.

Bad guyz come back.  Try to shoot him.  He bullet-proof.  Dey try to run him down.  He fly up onto lamp post and fall down, cause earthquake and giant fissure – dat gets mysteriously fixed and never seen again.

Community decide he have to patrol nayborhood.  Mom make him Meteor Man costume.  Reaktion of his friends and family to his new superpowerz aktually best part of movie.  Everyting else is worst part of movie.

Wonder if Alfred sew Batman’s costume for him?

Meteor Man start his patrol.  Stop crime.  At one point, step into middle of shooout between police and street gang and place peacemaker.  Yep, dey need to put differences aside.  Just because one group believe in law and order and other believe in crime and killing dis not mean dey can’t reach some sort of understanding.  Why can’t cops and criminalz just get along?

BIG BIG scenery-chewing bad guy puts bounty on Jeff.  Gangsters ambush him at skool.  Den, for some reazon, let him go.  But den show up few days later and shoot him up.  Dey drive away but Jeff notice – his hand bleeding.  He getting weaker!

Big big bad guy show up at his apartment building.  Jeff asleep and can’t wake up.  Dog (dat must have some superpowerz of its own) drag Jeff off bed and behind couch.  Big big bad guy break into apartment. Den, Slinky show up.  Dey argue over who should handle Meteor Man.  Den leave.

Dey leave!  He lying right dere!

Community meet.  Dey decide dey have to get Meteor Man to move. He too much trubble.  Jeff sad.  And even sadder when gangsterz show up and beat him.  He losing power.  He too weak.

But homeless Bill Cosby come to de reskue because he also have piece of meteor!  He help Jeff regain power.  But Slinky get powerz too. Fight!  Fight! Fight!  Meteor Man beat him and absorb his powerz. Whole nayborhood show up to help Meteor Man defeat bad guyz.

Nayborhood watch!

Bad guyz arrested by cops and their new friendz, the street gang dey were shooting at earlier in movie.  Cops + street gang = BFF!  And everyone live happily ever after.

Escape maybe whoever get shot in retaliatory drive by shooting in off-screen scene after clozing creditz.

Verdikt: Flashes of humor make dis movie not total waste of time.  But pretty darn close.

Rating: 4 chocolate chippee cookies.

Please diskuss.

Next week movie look partikularly lame.  Enjoy!  Monster know me won’t.

May 14, 2012: The Adventures of Mr. Fix-It! Today’s Episode = DVR Disaster!

A technician came by the house today to swap out my old working-just-fine satellite receivers and DVR’s for new as-yet-untested-but-so-far-really-inconvenient versions of both.  He arrived early, about an hour into the five hour ETA window, stepped inside, took one look at the dogs and asked if I could put them in the other room.  No problem. They are, admittedly, a fearsome looking bunch:

Lulu working on her tan between kills.

Jelly and her jaws of death.

Bubba is so bad that he punishes himself with a corner timeout.

After the swap, the downstairs HD DVR will – I’m told – record high def programming like usual – provided I ever figure out how to set it up.  My home theater equipment is stacked on an unwieldy rack that teeters uncertainly whenever someone pulls it forward to access the cables in the back.  The technician found the whole rack thing too daunting and I assured him I could just call in another technician (aka Lawren Bancroft-Wilson) to drop by and get the job done on his way home from his real job.  Palpably relieved, the guy assured me that it would be a very simple switch.  All I have to do is take out the old DVR, plug the new one in and voila (“voila” apparently being the common tech term for “recalibrate the satellite signal by running something called a check switch, allowing it to run a 38 step update, then inputting a couple of numbers and locking them”).

It was only after he left that I figured out how to slide the heavy rack forward to gain access to the cables in the back.  It was a fairly simple procedure that involved me placing two side bars beneath the rollers, then placing two of my dumbells beneath each to support them.  I slid the rack forward, switched out the DVR’s and voila (“voila” in this case meaning “the sudden realization I had one leftover cable that didn’t seem to fit anywhere”).

I was mentally celebrating my (almost) success when the rollers collapsed beneath the weight of the heavy rack that suddenly pitched forward.  I reached out instinctively, stopping it with my left hand, pivoting on my butt from where I was seated, on the edge of the little alcove that held the t.v., and distributed all of my weight to my right foot, resting on the suddenly wobbly step ladder I’d used to climb up for better vantage.  As the ladder began to give way, I realized I had one of two choices: 1. Shift all of my weight to my left shoulder and give the rack a mighty shove in the hopes that it would buy me the time and restored balance that would allow me to swing my right hand around and right the rack, or 2. Kick away the step ladder and jump to safety while my home theater set-up came crashing down behind me. I opted for the former, delivering a mighty shove, then pivoting and swinging my right hand in, shoving the rack back only a few inches, but just enough to save its precious cargo.  I hopped off the alcove, then readjusted the rack and breathed a sigh of relief.

Now, all that was left to do was turn on the home theater and voila (“voila” being “the frustration felt upon realizing one is unable to get a satellite signal”).  In retrospect, that leftover cable may have been the key.

I’m sure Lawren will figure out when he swings by.

P.S. To those of you who checked out this blog expecting to read Cookie Monster’s review of Meteor Man as part of our Supermovie of the Week Club – apologies.  I received the following email tonight:

“Joe, monster sorry.  Me watch Meteor Man on Sunday and get ready to write review, but go out drinking last nite wit Grover and, on way home, piss off angry marauding baboon family.  Monster spend nite in abandoned hot dog food kart.  Now, me smell like hot dog water, pickles, and spiteful hobo pee (aka hot dog water).  Not complaning. At least not need fur graft for left butt cheek like Grover.  Anyway, me get back to apartment dis morning but diskover Snuffleupagus (who rooming wit monster while his place fumigated) got very sick last nite from eating placenta sliders at new Vegan restaurant on corner of Sesame Street and Blood Alley.  Monster spend all day cleaning.

Apartment still smell like voila.

 

May 13, 2012: Happy Mother’s Day!

I celebrated by being doubly prolific and completing not one but two acts, 25 pages, and hitting the 57 page mark.  I was conservatively gunning for 30 by tomorrow so I’m more than pleased – and, thus, won’t feel at all guilty about going out to dinner and then taking the night off to watch the Survivor finale with Akemi and Ivon.  So, who do you have your money on?  I’m rooting for Sabrina and Chelsea (in that order), with an interest in seeing much-derided Christina upset the apple cart and pull off an improbable win.  If, however, Kim walks away with the title – which seems more than likely – then Survivor: One World will officially become the dullest/most predictable season in Survivor history.

Oh, in addition to writing, I did a fair amount of research today as well. I looked into foiling alarm systems and air traffic control terminology.  I think that, for my next gig, I’d prefer to write for something whose research would be a little less likely to put me on a watch list. Something involving gnomes or ice sculptures or  Japanese maples.  Of course that will be up to one of my future partners in creative crime, Tara Yelland (http://tarayelland.wordpress.com/).  Oops, I’ve said too much.  More on that in the coming weeks.

I’m pleased to report mom loved her Mother’s Day Gift, a box of books of the “Maeve Binchy” variety.  I hope.  She’s a big Maeve Binchy and Rosamunde Pilcher but has already worked her way through their sizable output.  Mom likes inoffensive stories that “finish nice”, like an episode of Murder She Wrote (which she is usually watching whenever I call), so if you’ve got any suggestions, she’d love to hear ‘em.

So, what about the rest of you mothers/people with mothers?  What did you get/give?  Even better: What was the most memorable Mother’s Day gift you’ve ever given/received?  In my case, I’m not sure since I can’t be sure what I got her when.  But, if pressed, I’d have to go with the beautiful new HD t.v.  Five years later, she still hasn’t figured out the remote.

May 12, 2012: 2 Acts down, 14 to go! And why not join our Supermovie of the Week Club?

The miniseries I’m presently writing has required a fair amount of research.  Over the past few weeks, my online investigations have covered cyber-terrorism, computer worms and viruses, online anonymity, the NSA (National Security Agency), the FBI, Missile Defense Systems, nuclear power schematics, and the White House administration.  In short, every google search sure to set off alarm bells at intelligence networks monitoring suspicious online activities.  For the record (and ECHELON), I’d just like to say that I’m interested in the aforementioned topics only insofar as they are able to provide me with cool and informative story fodder that, hopefully, will engage viewers and critics alike and not make me prey to physically invasive searches the next time I fly out on vacation.

Two days in and two acts (and 31 pages) completed.  It’s all going according to plan.  In retrospect, I was foolish (aka insane) to think I would be able to write straight through, sixteen days, completing an act a day.  I’m glad my writing partner, Paul, suggested we switch off, just like we used to in the old Stargate days.  When he first floated the idea, in my foolish bravado, I assured him I had no trouble blazing through a first draft and having him follow (think of the time we would save!) but he insisted, pointing out it was only fair.  This way, I’ll get as far as I can and give him what I’ve completed on Monday, take a few days off while he works on the script, and then pick up where he leaves off later in the week.  It’s a tight schedule but, if we can average those 10 pages a day (and, to date, I’m well above the average) we’ll deliver the first draft with enough time to squeeze in one of those after-school specials and an educational interstitial on the dangers of mixing prescription drugs with playing hide and seek anywhere near an abandoned refrigerator.

Given how busy I’m going to be, I’m pleased I can rely on a guest blogger to pick up some of the slack here.  I, of course, refer to Cookie Monster who will be dropping by on Monday when our Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes to discuss Meteor Man.  Boy, oh boy.  This looks soooo not good:

May 11, 2012: 15 down, 165 to go!

The plan was to get the first act of the mini-series written today and that’s what I’m going to do – even if it means I’m staying up all night to do it.  I’ve been working all day and have roughly fifteen pages under my belt.  Roughly two more to go and then I’m done.  Until tomorrow when I’ll have to do another 15, and the day after that.  Yep, at this right, I can breeze through a first draft in a mere twelve days straight.

Of course, along the way, I’ll probably become very familiar with the entire contents of my liquor cabinet.

Since you took the time to drop by, how about a mailbag?

Mailbag:

Samantha Padilla writes: “Since you’ve watched “Game of Thrones”, what did you think of Jason Momoa in it?”

Answer: I thought he was terrific as Khal Drogo.  Of course, I’m not surprised.  He was terrific as Ronon Dex.

gforce writes: “Another issue, and one that Survivor shares in spades is the obvious product placements.”

Answer: Yeah, it is getting a bit much.  My favorite bit of product placement came in the final episode of one season of The Amazing Race.  After the winning team is informed they’ve won, Phil says something along the lines of: “Wouldn’t it be great to have your family celebrating with you?”.  The winning team is ecstatic, no doubt believing the show has flown their family down to be with them – only to have Phil whip out and hand them a Sprint phone.  Give ‘em a call.

gforce also writes: “However, the tribal councils have been pretty great and where the real drama starts to appear.”

Answer: True, nothing beats a good blindside – especially when the person blindsided believes someone else is about to get blindsided.  Then cries.

JimFromJersey writes: “Diners, Drive Ins and Dives – Guy is just cool. The wife and I voted for him on his run through The Next Food Network Star.”

Answer: Love him or hate him, he’s a natural in front of the camera and every TNFNS contestant (including winners) since has paled (often painfully) in comparison.

David Kirby writes: “I was able to (finally) take a break from real life and pick up issues 3 & 4 of Dark Matter. I was a very enjoyable run and I hope it gets a series pick up somewhere.”

Answer: Thanks, David.  We’re still in talks and, once we’ve finished up work on the mini-series, I expect Paul and I will be heading to L.A. to start pitching it wide.

Line Noise writes: “Danger 5 – A guilty pleasure. Check out the trailer:

Answer: I already love this show!  I’ve got to track it down as soon as I have the time.

brent writes: “Sons of Anarchy. If you haven’t been watching, you’ve been missing out.”

Answer: Watched the first season last month.

Randomness writes: “How can any of the Japanese audience members be so hyped for such a weird game? I mean, sure watching Americans falling over, over and over again may be amusing to them but come on?”

Answer: They’re hyped for such a weird game because the audience is as fake as the supposed Japanese game show.

Maggiemayday writes: “How do you feel about baked vs, fried donuts? Are they not donuts at all?”

Answer: I’d still consider them donuts, just not very good donuts.

May 10, 2012: Thoughts on t.v.

For a guy who makes his living writing for film and television, I don’t watch a lot of either – certainly nowhere near as much as you guys.  To be perfectly honest, I’d rather just read a good book.  Having said that, there are about a dozen or so shows I do follow.  Some I enjoy, others I’ve lost interest in and will  probably drop after this season.

On the small screen at my place…

THE AMAZING RACE

My buddy Carl used to call this show “the fastest hour on television”. Lately, however, the show seems to have lost a lot of the fun that made it so watchable.  The challenges are becoming a little less original, the contestants a little more predictable, and some of the rules and roadblocks damn annoying if not altogether unfair.  I mean, what’s the point of having these individuals race to catch a ferry if it will only take them to a destination in which they’ll have to wait hours to perform the next task, thereby rewarding stragglers and general incompetence. And then there’s the convenience of “certain aspects of the production” favoring certain teams.  I refer, of course, to the hated “non elimination round” that, curiously, always seems to favor the most colorful and amiable duo in the race.  Season ago, it was the hippies (who went on to win).  This season, it was those lovable country bumpkins Bopper and (Bopper II?).  After coming in last on one leg of the race, I turned to Akemi and said: “This is a non-elimination leg.”  And, sure enough, it was.  Now, I’m not saying the fix is in but, when two weeks later, they came in last again and I predicted “Another non-elimination leg.”, I wasn’t all that surprised to be proven right.  Not even a late visit to Japan where contestants took part in a “Japanese game show” (clearly a version of a “Japanese game show” fabricated for that leg of the race) or a late screw-up by the winning duo could save this lacklustre season. Verdict: WE’RE DONE.

SURVIVOR: ONE WORLD

Equally predictable was this season of Survivor where everything has pretty much gone as expected.  It hasn’t helped that this season’s contestants are either gutless or idiots, allowing the two or three players with an iota of intelligence to run the table on them.  It’s reached the point where I can tell who is going to be eliminated by simply seeing how the promo is cut.  For what it’s worth, I’m rooting for Sabrina and, to a lesser extent, Chelsea, but suspect they’ll both be undone by their naiveté.  About the only thing that could redeem this season in my eyes would be a shocking final vote that would see perennially clueless Christina win because nobody saw her as a threat. When all is said and done, it’s all in the hands of the jury.  The bitter, petty, resentful, revenge-minded jury.  The best player doesn’t always win the game.  Ask Russell Hantz.  Although this season has underwhelmed, it was preceded by some great ones so I’m willing to give the show another go.  VERDICT: WE’RE STILL WATCHING.

HOUSE

Speaking of predictable, the House formula usually goes something like this: House handed case which he refuses to accept at first but ends up taking because he is intrigued by some curious element.  His team pursues various diagnostic theories, all of which prove erroneous.  All hope seems lost when – some unconnected word, phrase or thing twigs something in House who comes up with the correct diagnosis and saves the day.  While the medical drama plays out, House and his team deal with personal issues – and this is what makes the show so great.  Yes, the medical narrative pretty much plays out paint by numbers but, in reality, it’s only serves to create a dramatic context for our characters, and it’s these characters that make the show so very watchable.  I love the House character, his relationship with Wilson, and like the team a lot (especially Taub who has really grown on me over this past season). With only two episodes to go, I suspect the series will go out in fine style.  VERDICT: WE’RE DONE – BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT’S DONE.

30 ROCK

Some gags hit the mark, some fall flat, but the rapidfire barrage ensures a hilarious half hour.  BTW – television producers, take note: Live episodes work wonderfully for comedies since their actors are accustomed to improv.  Dramas – not so much.  VERDICT: WE’RE STILL WATCHING.

THE OFFICE

A lot better than most comedies on television, none of which I watch. And I miss Michael Scott.  VERDICT: WE’RE DONE AFTER THIS SEASON.

 SOUTH PARK

Sixteen seasons and still going strong.  Sure, there have been a few hiccups along the way (the movie, any episode involving Terrence and Philip),  but I’m amazed by how its consistency.  Smart, shocking, and hilarious.  VERDICT: WE’RE STILL WATCHING (AKEMI IS A BIG CARTMAN FAN).

BREAKING BAD

Although I didn’t love last season finale quite as much as everyone else, this show nonetheless ranks among my all-time favorites (up there with The Sopranos and Rome).  I’m very much looking forward to the fifth and final season.  I have a feeling it’s not going to be a happy ending for Mr. White.  VERDICT: STILL WATCHING.

GAME OF THRONES

The book is always better and this holds true for Game of Thrones – nevertheless, the series if very, very good.  Like the book series, however, with its myriad storylines and endless characters, there are some arcs that I find absolutely gripping (the politics and power plays at King’s Landing, Arya’s journey, Jon Snow’s adventures with the Black Watch) while others (Daenerys and her dragons, happenings in Westeros, the North, and the Iron Islands) leave me cold.  Still, there’s so much going on in each episode that it never disappoints.  VERDICT: STILL WATCHING.

THE WALKING DEAD

As much as I love the original comic book series, I think I’m zombied out.  Great monster effects and some intriguing scenarios, but for the life of me I don’t understand how a shambling zombie can sneak up on someone.  VERDICT: I’M DONE.

SPARTACUS: VENGEANCE

I tuned into the first season expecting a 300 clone and was pleasantly surprised by the depth of the characters and the storytelling.  The performances were also a strong point, especially that of series lead Andy Whitfield who, sadly, passed away just as he was gaining some well-deserved international praise.  I checked out the miniseries, Gods of the Arena, with a certain amount of trepidation brought on by the usual negative feelings I harbor for prequels.  Like the first season, however, I was quickly won over.  How has the show’s second season fared in comparison?  To be honest, I don’t know.  My DVR screwed up and I have all but episode 2 recorded.  And until it airs again – or I am able to track it down online – I’ll have to reserve judgement.  On the bright side, I can, apparently, buy the soundtrack from iTunes.

 IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

At first, I was on the fence because I felt some of the early storylines were too reminiscent of South Park episode I had seen (although, in all fairness, South Park ended updoing an episode called “Simpsons Already Did It” in which Professor Chaos [aka Butters] laments the fact that every nefarious idea he comes up with has already been done on The Simpsons).  But, like most shows, once you settle in and get to know and like the characters, you’re along for the ride.  The show’s two major funny men remind of my former Stargate co-workers Damian Kindler and Lawren Bancroft-Wilson, so every time I watch the show I feel like I’m getting together with old friends.  VERDICT: STILL WATCHING.

TOP CHEF

I watch a fair amount of Food Network.  Not religiously.  It just happens to be on all the time as background so the dogs don’t miss us too much when we go out.  But if there’s one show we never miss, it’s Top Chef, the best of the competitive cooking shows.  VERDICT: WE’RE STILL WATCHING.

CHUCK’S DAY OFF

Our favorite cooking show is hosted by Chuck Hughes, a native of my hometown, Montreal.  Port braised lamb shanks, peanut butter and jelly foie gras, bone marrow mash, and home made doughnuts – he cooks the type of food I love.  And I can confirm this because I visited his restaurant the last time I was in Montreal.  He’s charming, informative and Akemi finds him all sorts of cute.  VERDICT: WE’RE STILL WATCHING.

And you?

May 9, 2012: Deep Dog Thoughts

Cogito ergo esurio!

Back in the days when I had an office job, I worked with a woman (Michelle?  Chantal?  Quenel?)  who was training to be a pet psychic. Not surprisingly, it wasn’t something she was eager to share with her co-workers and only happened to come out over the course of some tangental discussion.  Something like:

“Hey, somebody stapled my report to the cafeteria wall!”

“The boss’s kids are kind of psycho.”

“I happen to be kind of psychic too.”

“I said psycho, not psychic.”

“Oh.”

“You’re kind of psychic?”

It turns out she was taking courses toward official(?) pet psychic accreditation during her free time – I suppose sometime between her full-time job and building that giant tinfoil pyramid on the roof of her apartment building.

“A lot people don’t believe it which is weird,”she said.  ”If you can believe in a psychic connection between humans and a psychic connection between animals, why is it so hard to believe in a psychic connection between humans and animals?”

I felt as though she’d missed step but, rather than call her on it, I encouraged her to continue by offering a non-committal: “Un huh.”

She smiled broadly, apparently pleased with the fact I hadn’t been judgy, laughed, or immediately reported her to HR as a potential victim of some stress-related anxiety disorder.  ”My teacher is one of Canada’s top pet psychics.  I only have two more classes to go.”  And then, on a more personal note: “I’ve been practicing with my cat, Minou.”

Some twenty years later, I don’t remember her name or her position at the company or even what she looked like (although I remember a lot of beige and a face that never quite synced with that salon curly hair). There were far more memorable former co-workers, but whenever I wonder what became of them all after the company went belly up, she’s the first one that comes to mind first because, unlike the others, she had a marketable skill to fall back on.  I imagine that had she had the foresight to hedge her bets by also pursuing a reiki diploma, she’d be set for life.

Oh, you may laugh, but from what I understand pet psychics do a brisk business.  I’ve personally yet to make use of their services only because I’m already attuned to my dogs’ innermost thoughts.    For instance:

Jelly…

…is saying pay attention to me/play with me…okay feed me.

Bubba…

…is saying pay attention to me/play with me…okay feed me.

And Lulu…

…is saying pay attention to me/play with me…okay feed me.  Also, quit staring at me.  You’re creeping me out.

I have an astounding 96% accuracy rate.

This is not to minimize the fine work of professional pet psychics who use their talents to diagnose personality disorders, locate misplaced chew toys, and help local law-enforcement solve crimes (“Minxy is reaching out from beyond the grave to tell me you the Doberman was set up.  It was the Alaskan Malamute!”).

Still, the few stories I have heard haven’t engendered much confidence in the profession.  My favorite was related to me by another co-worker on a past production. Let’s call him Carl.  Carl has two friends whose dog, George, had begun to demonstrate behavioral changes.  For some reason, rather than assuming the dog had been possessed and calling on the services of a pet exorcist, they jumped to the conclusion it was a psychological issue and contacted a pet psychic instead.  The pet psychic, while highly recommended, lived in another state, but assured them she could perform her scam trick service over the phone.  And so, at the appointed time, they rang her up and presumably held the phone up to George’s face so that she could pick up the doggy vibes. The feedback was immediate.  Something like: “George is feeling down because he feels you’re not paying enough attention to him.  George suffers separation anxiety when you leave the house and he misses you while you’re gone.  He could really use some more TLC…”  In recounting the experience to Carl, George’s owners were amazed at the pet psychic’s ability to pinpoint what was ailing their dog.  For his part, Carl was less than impressed.  ”George a girl.”

I guess psychic energy is genderless.

Yep.  There’s always a good (and if not good, then certainly entertaining) answer to our pointed questions.  It’s like they see ‘em coming.

For instance, back when she’d claimed to have honed her burgeoning psychic abilities on her own lovable Minou, I couldn’t resist asking Michelle/Chantal/Quenel what she’d learned from him.  Had she been able to solve any of the mysteries that have plagued feline owners for centuries.  Why, for instance, don’t they like water?  To this, she nodded knowingly and informed me that she had asked the question, and received the same response her instructor had told her had been echoed by many a furball before him: “It’s a cat thing.”