November 26, 2009: Tokyo Travel Day #2 – Aronia de Takazawa, Chikuyo-tei Honten, and more strolls and sweets.

So, what better way to include a day of eating than eating some more?  After a memorable lunch at Chez Matsuo, a late afternoon snack at Pierre Herme, and a pre-dinner appetizer at the Pierre Marcolini Cafe, we headed off to Akasaka and dinner at Aronia de Takazawa.

According to the direction I got from the hotel, the restaurant is located “on the backside of the building next to an oyster bar.  Look for the white door with two large potted plants on either side.”  We stopped to ask for directions and still nearly missed it.  The entrance to the place is thoroughly non-descript, hidden away in a back alley.  Fortunately, the guy we asked for directions was kind enough to walk us over -

Ah, how could I have missed it?

The door opened onto a stairwell leading up to…parts unknown…

Abandon all hope ye who enter here?

The stairwell brought us up to the dining area, a gorgeous little room looking into the chef’s station, a sleek metallic cooking island decked out with multi-colored rock salt and an enormous leg of dry-aged venison prosciutto.

The stage-like setting is no accident – the chef’s station sparse and brightly lit, the dining room softly illuminated and surrounded by wood paneling.

As we took our seats, we watched as one of our servers pressed her hand to one of the wall panels.  It sprang back to reveal a hidden compartment.  This, I immediately realized, was a magic show.  From the hidden entrance to the set-up to the concealed access points, it all hinted at illusion, sleight of hand, and surprises.

Our appetizer, a hardboiled egg? No, actually, it's a decorative stone.

Set it aside. The meal/show is about to begin.

We settled in and chatted with our two servers, both of whom spoke flawless English, both of whom sported hands-free ear pieces that had them synced with the man in the back.  As for the magician himself, I was amazed to discover that Takazawa is only thirty-three – and he looks even younger.

Takazwa-san carves the prosciutto.

On the one hand, it’s surprising given how accomplished many of his dishes are, with their subtle balances of flavors and textures.  On the other hand, leave it to a young chef to come up with such audaciously imaginative creations.  According to our server, Chef Takazawa changes his menu regularly, heading down to the Tsukiji Fish Market every morning and building the night’s menu on the inspiration provided by the freshest offerings.

Moving on to the meal…

We started with the shaved, two year aged Hokkaido venison house made prosciutto, unagi (eel) in aspic, and ceramic saradine cans containing tiny, marinated morsels of fish atop sliced daikon. Small bites but intensely-flavored.

The menu said "Ratatouille" but, when it arrived, it was nothing like any ratatouille I'd ever seen. Comprised of fifteen different vegetables and accompanied by a black bean capped with Spanish salt, we were instructed to pop the whole thing in our mouths. And...wow.

We were served homemade bread, piping hot. On the left, bamboo-charcoal. On the right, pumpkin. In the jar - nothing quite so mundane as butter. Instead, pork buttery smooth pork rillettes.

Next up was the "Crab" House Sandwich which, like the ratatouille, WAS and WASN'T. Fresh crab meat is about the only thing you'll readily identify from sight alone. The layerings, dark and light brown, are two different kinds of crab roe. The bread? Not bread at all but a clear tomato broth set to a slightly firmer than foam consistency.

The menu referred to this dish as "Powdery Dressing". I call it "Insanely Good". Two year old venison served rare with crispy mushrooms, pine nuts, and shaved white truffle topped with...

That "powdery dressing" served smoking from a deep frost-crusted pot. "Liquid nitrogen,"I marveled, causing Chef Takazawa to throw me a surprised look. Yeah, I don't often see it when I go out to eat but when I do, it's unmistakable.

My dinner date, Moro, was really looking forward to this dish and she was thoroughly blown away by Chef Takazawa's take on Oyster Gratin - the plump oysters sitting at the bottom of the bowl and topped with a surprisingly subtle gorgonzola foam.

Next up, Chef Takazawa reinterprets a Japanese classic only, in his version of Carrot Tempura, he crisps carrot greens and sets them atop a bowl of - not the traditional tempura dipping sauce but vegetable broth. We were instructed to break up the tempura and take the pieces for a swim.

Vegetables with SOIL - Tasty root vegetables and earthy shaved truffles. And the soil component? Minced venison.

We were then presented with mini cast iron pots. Inside...

Another nuanced but gorgeously textured creation. Fear not, squeamish eaters. That's not brain nestled alongside the delectable fish. It's cod sperm.

The main course: Wagyu Japaneseque with gingko, wine-marinated mushrooms, pickled ginger, red daikon, and wasabi.

The beef was "red cow" from southern Kyushu, not as marbled as Kobe beef but still rich, fork-friendly, and full of flavor. The best steak I've had in years.

We were then served something called FANTA GRAPE. I'm sure many of you are familiar with Grape Fanta? Well, this dish approximates the sensation of sipping the drink with three enormous grapes bursting with effervescence. I'm not sure how the effects was achieved (I want to guess nitrous oxide?) but suffice it to say it was damn impressive.

And finally, Apple Pie. Or, as Takazawa put it: "Apple pie without the pie." Sliced apples, apple skin, cinammon sticks, and raisins are cooked in the specially designed bag.

The bag is cut open and a dollop of luxurious homemade caramel ice cream is added to the dish. And, yes, it tasted exactly like apple pie.

We finished the meal with tea.

To be honest, the photos don’t do justice to the meal, or the experience.  It was a night full of surprises and laughter, an utterly delightful dinner through and through.

A photo op with the masterful Chef Takazawa. I'm the one on the right.

After we were done, Chef Takazawa and one of the servers actually escorted us downstairs.  Moro and I thanked them profusely for a truly wonderful time and then headed off.  As we walked back down the alleyway, we reflected on the meal’s many highlights.  And, just as we were about to take a corner, we happened to glance back and there stood Chef Takazawa and the server, still at the entrance, waving goodbye.

Next time I’m in town, I am coming back.

They say the first day is the hardest and I’ll vouch for that.  My jet lag started to catch up with me halfway through our meal.  At one point, I asked Moro what time it was, imagining it was about 11:00 p.m.  Turns out it was a little after 8:00 p.m.

I got back to the hotel at around ten, then spent the next two hours or so uploading pics and posting my blog entry.  By the time I crawled into bed, it was 1:00 a.m.

I intended to sleep in this morning but, for some reason, I can’t sleep past 8:00 a.m.  Could be because eight a.m. Tokyo time is one p.m. Vancouver time.  Damn, am I going to feel it tonight.

I uploaded more pics, had the foie gras and truffle macarons I bought at Pierre Herme, then headed out.  Today’s lunch was a little more traditional.  I went to Chikuyo-tei, an unagi (eel) restaurant that has been in business since Japan’s Edo Period, over a hundred and fifty years ago.  My dining companion on this occasion was the salsa-rific Sachi who took the one hour subway ride into town to have lunch with me.  And a lovely lunch it was…

There's something about the clean simplicity of sashimi - in this case tai, hirame (?), and mouth-meltingly good tuna.

Succulent grilled eel, the way the samurai used to eat it centuries ago.

I fished two of these out of the lovely soup that came with unagi. While Sachi couldn't quite explain what part of the eel it came from, she did assure me that eating it is purported to make the diner smarter. Upon closer scrutiny however - Hey, did't this thing's mother crawl out of Chloe in Time?

Following our meal, I spoke with one of the owners of the family-run restaurant, an older woman who smoke excellent English.  She informed me that the establishment has been in her family for seven generations.   Might damn impressive.

After our chat, she spotted my camera and offered to take a picture of us in the restaurant’s garden…

Satchi and I, post-unagi.

From there, we headed to Roppogni where we strolled through Midtown and snacked on some ice cream -

I got a trio of flavors: peanut, pumpkin, and - Carl's favorite - sweet potato. The ice cream was very good but the flavors were quite subtle and, after a while, it was hard to differentiate between them. Next time, I go only sweet potato.

We then took a stroll and checked out some of the sights -

At which point it was over to the Ritz Carlton for some much-needed sustenance…

Chestnut desserts have been all the rage in Tokyo for as long as I can remember. I'm surprised they're not as popular over on my side of the world.

I went with the choux a la creme matcha, counting on green tea's fat-burning properties to counter the calores packed into this enormous cream puff.

Some more walking through Roppongi Hills to close out the day and I was finally ready for bed.

Unfortunately for me, it was only 5:00 p.m. and I had dinner reservations in two and a half hours.

November 25, 2009: Tokyo Travel Day #1 – Fit Over Fat, Lunch at Chez Matsuo, Strolling up an Appetite!

Needless to say my sleep schedule is all screwed up.  By the time I got to bed last night, it was a little after 11:00 p.m., and even though I was thoroughly exhausted, I lay awake, wound up as tight as a fancy new watch.  Finally, about 1:00 a.m., I gave him and took some melatonin which put me out – for a couple of hours anyway.  It was a fitful night’s sleep.

I got up (to stay) at 8:00 a.m. and headed down to the gym for a work-out, mindful of my last trip here when I ate like crazy, never worked out, yet returned to Vancouver with not the slightest change to my weight – to which my buddy Ivon replied: “Yeah, for every pound of muscle you lost you gained a pound of fat.”  So, today’s regimen: a ten minute sprint, 200 squats, 200 incline push ups, 200 bicycle crunches, 400 dips, and another ten minute sprint to finish.  Hopefully, this trip, I’ll be able to put on a pound of muscle for every pound of fat I’ll no doubt gain.

I showered, shaved, did my computer thing (a big thanks to Carl for the Skype app tip), and headed out, strolling through Ginza and taking note of the interesting landmarks.  No, not ancient statues or temples.  Think more contemporary -

Don't know what he's selling, but I'm buying!

What the hell are YOU lookin' at?! Keep moving.

I finally eventually met up with my friend Moro, who I got to know on my last trip here (following multiples visits to the Pierre Marcolini Cafe where she works), and, with her help, purchased one of those of go-anywhere-you-want subway cards.

Don't put your cellphone on speaker in the subway! It makes the young women uncomfortable and the old ladies cry! Yah bastard!

Today, I used it to go to Shibuya where we killed half an hour walking around and checking out the local sights -

Like this one. There was an even more outrageous outfit one girl was sporting but I didn't snap her at the risk of being deemed a pervert. I'll just stick with annoying for now.

Tokyo's famed kontiki spirit.

- and then finally arrived at our lunch destination: Chez Matsuo.

It’s a quaint, detached house-turned-restaurant that the Imperial family put on the map years ago and it boasts a Michelin star for its French fare, old school charm, and impeccable service.

There's a house under there somewhere.

The interior is certainly cozy, adorned with antiques, turn-of-the-century furniture, and artwork by Matsuo himself.  Taking care of us on this day was our man Takashi, the Assistant Manager and Senior Sommelier.

We're in Takashi's infinitely capable hands.

Our lunch, a set menu, broke down as follows:

A melt-in-your-mouth smoked salmon accompanied by a whipped cream cheese peppered with roe, some tart ginger gelee cubes (left), and even tarter vingegared green beans (right).

More wonderful and weird - prawn with cepes flanking a (pasta) tourbillon of forest mushrooms. Totemo tasty!

Next on the menu: a super long spoon with which to eat...

A layered masterpiece comprised of foie gras flan and a chestnut mousse with an essence of porto. This dish was killer. It was like having dessert mid-meal.

Crispy dorade rouge (sea breem) served in broth with dill, tomato, and garlic. A pleasantly subtle dish.

Following a refreshing pear sorbert, we were on to the main course: A stunning supreme de canard Breton roti a l'huile de noix au just de cassis. The duck, served rare, was nevertheless incredibly tender, studded with delicious little pieces of crisp, candied duck skin. Don't recall what flanked the duck to either, but I do remember that it was topped with thinly sliced Iberico pork belly.

Oh, right. Cabbage and apple.

For dessert: A grappa-spiked warm chocolate cake, stewed grapes, pistachio ice cream, and a mango, mint, and raspberry coulis trifecta.

Chef Kazuhide Nose, Matsuo's right hand man and a twenty year vet of Chez Matsuo, runs the kitchen. He came out to say hello and we ended up conversing in French for a while, sparing me the opportunity to practice my horrid Japanese. BTW - I'm the guy not wearing the chef's hat.

We then retired to the garden for some tea and mignardises.

It's overcast today so there are plenty of seats to choose from.

After lunch, we went for another stroll, cutting through a sad little park -

"Keep Off the Mud!"

- on our way back to Shibuya where we hit Kiddyland.  There, I got myself an Evangelion t-shirt and bought my sister a present (which, upon further reflection, I may have also bought her the last time I was here).

Well, cutting through a park and toy-shopping can really work up an appetite, so we eventually ended up at one of my favorite places in Shibuya,  Pierre Herme, where I enjoyed a snack:

My vanilla platter.

And a cup of extra-rich hot chocolate to wash it down.

Happy Birthday, Yoshi! Who? Yoshi! The guy sitting beside us, celebrating his birthday with his girlfriend.

I was stuffed.  I couldn’t imagine eating another bite until tomorrow morning (which is why I bought some macarons to go – the seaonal assortment made up of foie gras, black truffle, and white truffle).  We did, however, have dinner reservations so, to work up an appetite, it was back to strolling -

No idea what it does, but it's clearly of Ancient design.

Don't know what they're selling, but they're pretty damn cute.

I want one!

A subway ride back to Ginza.  Another visit to the Pierre Marcolini Cafe where I said hi to Keiko (who I’ll be spending the day with on Friday) and meeting Akemi (who I’ll be going out with on Sunday), and then it was off to dinner.

And WHAT a dinner it was!  But the details are going to have to wait until morning because the rundown is going to require a lot more energy than I have right now.

Oyasumi nasai!

November 24, 2009: Tokyo Travel Day

Okay, I'll just squeeze in here...no...maybe come around there...no...Ah, forget it! I'll just lie along the bottom of the bed.

As per Air Canada’s suggestion, I got to the airport well in advance of my scheduled flight time and, as a result, ended up arriving at the departure gate with plenty of time to spare. And by plenty of time, I mean about two and a half hours. It would’ve been a full three but for the fact I had to take off my cufflinks (and, more importantly, put them back on under the icy glares of my fellow passengers who obviously hadn’t had the foresight to follow Air Canada‘s sound advice) while going through security.

With time to kill, I stopped by the duty-free shop and picked up a beautiful three bottle ice wine gift set for my man Kullen (who arranged my Tokyo dining adventure), a pack of Dentyne Shine, and a magazine (I went with Psychology Today, choosing it over the latest issue of Popular Mechanics with the picture of the nose-diving plane on the cover under the heading “Anatomy of an Air Crash”).

While flipping through the magazine, I came across an article titled “The Evolution of Night Owls” which makes the case that individuals predisposed to staying up later are generally smatter than their early-to-bed neighbors. How much later? According to a study by Satoshi Kanazawa, a psychologist at The London School of Economics, the very brightest, those gifted with an IQ of 125 or greater, tend to turn in at about 12:29 a.m. Those of average intellect, possessing an IQ between 90 and 110, usually hit the sack at about 12:10 a.m., about 19 minutes earlier. The duller among us, those saddled with an IQ below 75, are generally pyjama-clad and cozy under the sheets approximately half an hour earlier at 11:41 p.m. And me? Why, I’m normally in bed a full hour and forty minutes sooner than your average low-brow at a cretinous 10:00 p.m. It’s a wonder I can even manage to feed myself! The flight was uneventful.

I decided to follow everyone’s advice on the book front and brought along both The Algebraist and Otherland for the trip, starting with the latter and enjoying it immensely so far. I also took the opportunity to practice up on my Japanese, review my culinary itinerary, and obsess over that missing outline.

As predicted, by the time I got into my hotel room, it was just after 8:00 p.m. Tuesday night! That’s right. In Tokyo, it’s tomorrow already. I’ve got a big day ahead of me tomorrow – sushi breakfast at the Tsukiji market, lunch at Chez Matsuo and dinner at Aronia de Takazawa – and even though I’m exhausted, I’m reluctant to turn in just yet. Apparently, going to bed at 10:00 p.m. would put me in the same company as fairy tale ogres, Lakers fans, and select woodland creatures.

Pics and vids starting tomorrow. Promise.

November 23, 2009: Okay, NOW I’m gone!

The mystery of the missing outline deepens.

FACT: I had it with me when I left the restaurant Friday night.

FACT: I remember tossing it onto the passenger side seat along with the half-dozen comic books I picked up on the way to the restaurant and the leftover grilled cornish game hen I was to later share with the dogs.

FACT: A thorough search of the car last night turned up no trace of the outline (but did unearth several misplaced CD’s, plenty of old parking stubs, and one desiccated avocado).

And, given the aforementioned facts, it is reasonable to assume that I did , in fact, bring the outline into the house with me Friday night, meaning it now resides somewhere within said house.

No, I didn’t take it somewhere else.

No, I didn’t inadvertently recycle it (I check the bin).

No, I didn’t accidentally throw it away (Yes, I rooted through the garbage.  Yes, I wore gloves.)

Which brings us to one of two possible scenarios…

1) Fondy “filed it away”: The fact that she makes a point of NOT filing my stuff away and leaving it to amass in a large pile until I do something about it would lead me to discount this theory.  Yes, there’s the possibility that she filed it away with her paperwork but this seems improbable given that the whole point of “filing something away” necessitates one identify and index the documents “to be filed”.

2) I put it away somewhere far from the prying eyes of would-be burglars, nosey visitors, and television writers eager to start work on their new script.  This one seems the more likely scenario but, despite a thorough search of the premises, I’ve come up empty.  I checked all the obvious places: the kitchen, my briefcase, the office, the work-out room, my bed room, the bathrooms.  Hell, I even checked the not so obvious places: under all the furniture, between the pages of my books, the pockets of my various jackets, even the laundry room in the unlikely event I’d swept it up and put it through the wash.  Next up, I start checking out the REALLY unobvious places: the various food pantries, the garden, my dogs’ stool.

This is going to haunt me my entire trip.

Oh, to those asking who is taking care of the critters while I’m off on vacation – Fondy and her visiting family will be holding the fort.  And, hopefully, looking for that damn outline!

Okay, next time you hear from me, I’ll be in Tokyo – and thoroughly exhausted.  I should make my hotel room around 8:00 p.m. local time (which should be, I believe, about 3:00 a.m. Vancouver time).

Make sure you’re up!

And before I go, I’d like to offer the latest in what will hopefully be a long and entertaining line of “slightly edited comments from obnoxious posters”.  This one, from notgoingtowatchanymore who writes:

“[...] the series [...] is [...] lavish [...] with [...] depth [...] between characters.

Your plots are [...] involving [...] and [...] viewers really [...] love [...] the ship [...].

[...] SGU [...]. [...] I loved [...] it [...].

Answer: Thanks!  And we at SGU love you too.

See you in Tokyo!

November 22, 2009: Wait! I’m not gone yet!

I leave for Tokyo tomorrow. Today, I finished packing. I think. I mean, I’ve double, triple, and quadruple-checked and it appears as though I’ve remembered everything. But, of course, I won’t really know whether or not I’ve remembered everything until I actually need everything. And I won’t get around to needing everything until I’m in Tokyo. Hope not to find out the hard way.

So, hey, rather than go kindle I followed a suggestion from a blog regular and downloaded the ereader app. All well and good until I went to the ereader store to buy some books and discussed these ethereal nothings cost as much as actual books – you know, the kind you can keep and put up on a real bookshelf. Ridiculous. I’m going to go with actual books. I’ll be bringing December’s book of the month club pick, The Misenchanted Sword by Lawrence Watt-Evans (Come on! If I can read it while on vacation, surely you can make the time to check it out.) and…hmmm…not sure. I’m looking for a reasonably fat paperback to keep me busy when I’m not practicing my Japanese. Preferably something good as there’s nothing worse than lugging around a book you have intention of finishing. I’ve narrowed down my choices to: Poul Anderson’s The Boat of a Million Stars, Iain M. Bank’s The Algebraist, Ben Okri’s The Famished Road, and Tad Williams’ Otherland. Thoughts? Anyone familiar with any of the aforementioned titles?

I might also bring along the outline for my upcoming SGU season 2 script – if I can find it. After leaving it at the office and almost forgetting it at a restaurant, I seem to have misplaced it on the home front. Bad luck or more a case of my subconscious ensuring I leave my work behind for a couple of weeks?

No. Seriously. Where the hell is that damn outline?! I brought it back with me last night so it must be around here somewhere. Come one! Don’t make me pick through the garbage!

Okay, it’s not that big a deal. I mean, I have copies. But it would be nice to be able to reference everyone’s notes that I made a point of writing down on that hard copy.  And yet …

It never fails.  Every time I submit a script, someone in the room will point that I failed to incorporate one of their notes?  Was it a creative decision?  An inability to make it work?  Sheer ego?  Nope.   Truth be told, my handwriting is so bad that I’m often incapable of deciphering my the sanskrit-like scribbles adorning the headers, footers, and margins.  What’s that?  ”Rush puts the tuber inside the camry”?  Was that really Carl’s note?

Nope, I’m actually better off without those scribbles to confuse the issue.

Yep, better off just working from memory.

Yep, much better off.

Yep…

Fine!  I’m off to root through the damn garbage.

November 21, 2009: Prepping my Tokyo trip. Stargate this and that.

In less than 48 hours, I’ll be Tokyo-bound. But between now and then, I’ve got A LOT to do. Still, there’s always time for a blog update…

Yesterday, we gave and received notes on three outlines: Episode 1 (Paul’s story, which will shoot second), Episode 3 (my story, which will shoot fourth), and Episode 4 (Carl’s story, which will shoot first). Rob will probably send me his outline (episode 2, shooting third) while I’m in Japan, presuming I’ll have time to read it and email my thoughts between my visit to Ice Cream City for the unagi-vanilla and an afternoon coffee at one of those cafes where the waitresses dress up like maids. As for Brad’s outline – Outline? He don’t need no stinking outline!

Anyway, I made a point of carefully writing down everyone’s suggestions on the hard copy of my outline and, once our meeting was concluded, packed up and headed home. Well, packed up everything EXCEPT the hard copy of my outline with the notes. So, I phoned up Birthday Boy Lawren, had him track down the outline (I’d forgotten it in Ashleigh’s office), and instructed him to give it to Carl who I was meeting for dinner that night.

Yes, last night, Rob, Carl, and I got together for one final pre-Tokyo culinary blow-out. We went to Quattro, home of Carl’s favorite pasta dish in the world.  That’s right, Carl is a fan of fettucine tartufati,  USC, and our very own blog regular PG-15.  Anyway, despite the fact that I almost forgot the outline at the restaurant, it was a great evening all around, made even greater by the fact that Carl picked up the bill.

By the way, to all those wondering about SGU’s ratings – while the same day numbers have downticked somewhat, the DVR percentages continue to rise.  What does that mean?  Well, we’ve retained all of our audience from the premiere – which is pretty damn impressive.

The kindle is finally available in Canada.  If I’d known a few days earlier, I actually would have purchased one for my Tokyo trip.

To answer a few questions (something surprisingly difficult to do given that I’m writing this blog entry on dial-up and I’m apparently incapable of opening a second window)…

Shadow Step writes:  @Alex – Anyone with a sane mind would like this SGU show: “Not if they wanted science fiction.”

Answer: True.  They did the body-swapping/advanced race tech thing in last week’s Grey’s Anatomy as well.

Klemen writes: “…are we going to meet some sentient alien beings in season 1?”

Answer: Yes, but you’ll have to wait until after the mid-season hiatus.  But not long after the mid-season hiatus.

Alex writes: “Is it me or all the people who is posting here (except me of course) are dumbed down.”

Answer: Nope, it’s definitely not you.  In fact, I would say the exact opposite to be true.

Alex also writes: “syfy lack good scifi series, I have to stay with V and fringe as of now.”

Answer: Well, you’ll be missed.  Really.

Mondschaf writes: “He (Rush) would gain an imense knowledge of the ancients by using it, knowledge about Destiny and perhaps even ascension.”

Answer: Or die trying.  In his mind, he’s too valuable to risk.  And he has a point.

Aaron writes: “Has any of the feedback from fans and other reviews been taken into account while you’ve been spinning season 2?”

Answer: Which ones?  The positive feedback from fans and reviewers who are enjoying the show or the negative feedback from fans and reviewers who find it wanting?  We’re aware of both.

Belouchi writes: “I was wondering why the networks wont show the eppy Space before the mid season break?”

Answer: SyFy breaks up the season at its halfway mark.  As a result, they air the first ten episodes early, and the last ten episodes late.  Space is episode 11, so it belongs in the back ten.

Parks writes: “Then on the “Life” episode, producers decided to be all “cutting edge” ala 2006 with the lesbian kiss.”

Answer: I know, I know.  Being a lesbian is SOOO 2006.  Still, rumor has it there are a handful or so still kicking around, occasionally kissing their partners.  No official reported sightings, mind you, but still.  Also, your notion that the kiss is in any way controversial displays a mindset more attuned with 1986.

Today’s entry is dedicated to Angelus and Angelus’s dad.

November 20, 2009: A bittersweet victory, more bitter than sweet, and, really, upon closer scrutiny not sweet at all and, come to think of it, not an actual victory either.

According to Telus, my internet issue has been resolved.  Yep, they’ve informed me they’ve fixed the problem and that, theoretically, I should be back online and surfing away.  Of course, as any student of science will tell you, theory and practice are two very different things.  Take early man for instance.  He theorized that he could fly like a bird if he flapped his arms and leapt off a cliff.  Alas, like many budding theorists to follow, early man quickly discovered that reality can be, well, a bit of a downer.

To those of you who may have come to this story late, allow me to recap what I shall hitherto refer to as The Telus Saga.

Last week, I called up Telus, my internet provider, to make a change to my billing information.  I was informed that, as a result of my request, I would be offline for up to seven hours on Tuesday.  I protested.  It was a change to my billing information.  Surely it shouldn’t affect my internet connection.  But the Telus rep informed me that this was company policy (in keeping with what I imagine is the Telus company motto: “If it doesn’t inconvenience the client, why do it at all?”).  So, Tuesday, I would be offline for up to seven hours.  I didn’t like it but, hey, what could I do?

Come Monday, I went to get online and discovered I was unable to make a connection.  I phoned up Telus and was informed that I’d be up and running by Tuesday morning.  I was annoyed – after all, they had told me the work would be done Tuesday and I’d scheduled my work day on that assumption – but, what the hell.  I’d have my internet back on Tuesday morning, right?

Come Tuesday morning, I still wasn’t online.  WTF?  I phoned up Telus and asked them what was going on.  The customer service rep was suitably outraged on my behalf.  Why, this shouldn’t be!  She offered me a free month of Telus for my troubles.  And promised I’d be online by Wednesday morning.

Come Wednesday morning, I sat down, turned on my laptop, went to check my email – and discovered I still wasn’t online.  W-T-F?!!!  I called up Telus tech support who transferred me over to customer service who transferred me back to tech support who transferred me over to customer service who transferred me back to tech support who transferred me over to customer service who checked my file and informed me that they had no record of anyone promising me that the issue would be resolved either Tuesday or Wednesday.  Still, they felt really bad for me and, in addition to not charging me for the days I was without service (how nice of them) they would be giving me an additional month of free service.  That’s two months of free internet service!  Now, on the surface, that seems like a wonderful thing but imagine, if you will, that I offer you a lifetime of free soap.  You sit by your mailbox, waiting for that first soap shipment and, when it doesn’t arrive, you give me a call.  I’m mortified and, in a bid to make it up to you, also offer you a lifetime supply of free toothbrushes in addition to that lifetime of free soap.  Great, huh?  So you sit by your mailbox, waiting for the soap and toothbrushes to arrive.  Unfortunately, they never do, but a quick call to my customer service center mollifies you because, in addition to a lifetime of free soap and toothbrushes, you have now been promised a lifetime supply of free cheese!  How fantastic is that?  Okay, true, you may not actually receive any soap or toothbrushes or cheese, but they are FREE!  See how that works?

Anyway, the customer service rep reviewed my file and informed me that the last customer service rep indicated I had changed my mind and wanted to switch my billing information back to its original state.  I told her that was incorrect.  I simply wanted my internet back.  Well, she assured me it would be back.  By Friday morning.

At this point, I may have said something that caused them enough concern to transfer me to their customer retention center where I spoke with a woman named Jaye in Calgary who seemed genuinely sympathetic to my plight.  I seemed to be finally getting somewhere – when, suddenly, we were disconnected. I’d apparently been on my phone so long that the battery had died.

So, fast-forward to today – Friday morning.  I turn on my laptop, check my connection and, sure enough, I’m still not online.  W – T – F?!!!!!!!!!!! I call up Telus.  The guy at tech support informs me that the work order went out for today and that I should be back online.  Sometime today.  Okay, so when they told me I’d have my internet back by Friday morning, they didn’t specify Friday morning where.  I mean, I assumed they meant Friday morning Vancouver time but, in all fairness, they could well have meant Hawaiian time.

But wait!   A double-check of the situation revealed that the problem HAD been addressed and that I really should be back online.  Theoretically.  After running through the tech 101 rigmarole – unplugging my router, plugging it back in, unplugging my modem, plugging it back in – and it became clear it wasn’t working, the tech rep did some further digging and, FINALLY, figured out what was at issue, narrowing the source of the problem down to two possibilities: either it was on my end or theirs.  He assured me they would get someone on its immediately.

First thing Monday morning.

I wasn’t mad.  Or annoyed.  Simply…amused.  Sure, go ahead.  Fix the problem.  Don’t fix the problem.  Stand on your fucking head and play the kazoo. I don’t care.  I’ve had it.  I’m switching to Shaw.

Hey, head on over to SF Signal for their latest mind meld where I list my top ten favorite SF/Fantasy covers (http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/2009/11/mind-meld-the-most-memorable-sff-book-covers/).  Give it look and then hop back here and offer up your list.

Hey, Michelle – Yep, consider it a Solutions exclusive.  We’ll back the week of December 14th to discuss more stories.

A new episode of Stargate: Universe tonight and one of my very favorites.  Check it out and report back.

November 19, 2009: Temporarily Back Online!

I’m online!  But no thanks to Telus.  My home internet is still inaccessible for the foreseeable future (Telus says the issue will be resolved by tomorrow morning but, hey, they say a lot of things – like, for instance, that the issue would be resolved by the the day before yesterday, or that the issue would be resolved by yesterday morning), so I’m blogging from work – instead of reading Paul and Carl’s outlines.  Oh, and you’ll be pleased to hear I did get around to finishing MY outline which is no doubt sitting, ignored, on Paul and Carl’s desks as well.   We’ll read them all tonight and then reconvene tomorrow to belittle each other’s ideas.  There’s also a rumor that we’ll be coming back into the office the week of December 14th to break more stories.  Of course this is just a rumor I read over on the Solutions forum so I’m not sure if it’s official.  Just in case though, I think I’ll show.

So, hey, I’ve decided to adopt a new approach to offensive comments. Understand that by offensive comments, I refer not to negative opinions but insulting, disrespectful, or generally inflammatory posts. Rather than delete them, I will approve them, but only after I’ve edited out the offensive portions. Here are two recent examples I dug out of the trash bin. As you can see, with a little tweak here and there, they can still get their message across without being obnoxious…

alex writes: “[...] actors [...] energy.”

Answer: That they do, Alex! Not only energy, but exceptional talent and a terrific work ethic. We’re lucky to have ‘em.

gigi writes: “[...] your ”talented” [...], mallozzi. [...] wonderful [...] scripts.”

Answer: Shucks, thank you, gigi. It’s comments like yours that make it all worthwhile.

A minor doggy emergency the other night. While jumping off the couch to tell off the horse on t.v., Bubba did something to his left hind leg. It simply collapsed beneath him, suddenly incapable of supporting his weight. The poor little guy was so freaked out he crapped on the spot. I scooped him up and was on my way to late-night emergency when feeling magically returned to his injured limb. The vet checked him out and he seems to be fine now, although his stair-climbing ability seems to be compromised. And rather than barking at ‘em, he’s taken to letting those t.v. horses off with a stern look instead.

November 18: Telus Incompetence Knows No Bounds!!!

So Monday they told me I’d be back online Tuesday.

On Tuesday, they assured me that my Internet would be up and running by Wednesday.

Today, Wednesday, I was told: a) they had no record of my being promised either, and b) I’d be surfing by this Friday.

Friday?! FRIDAY?!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb here and declare Telus’s “Train a monkey to work tech support” program a big fail. It may have seemed like a good idea but, clearly, holding their annual job fair at the local zoo’s primate enclosure didn’t really pan out. In retrospect, I suppose I should be grateful. They could have disconnected my Internet service, given me the run-around for three days, AND thrown their feces at me. Today, I was ping-ponged between tech support and customer service so many times I actually became nauseous.

All this to say: you’re regularly scheduled blog postings will resume once Telus feels like getting around to doing whatever it is they do.

Oh, and I’d like to take a moment to respond to the poster who accused me of plagiarism because one of my emails to a spammer was exactly like one of the email responses featured on this site: www.spambait.wordpress.com. Yeah, genius, they’re identical. As is every one of the emails on said site. I know because it’s my site. I put them there. Check my blogroll. Or better yet, consider attending Telus’s next job fair. Trust me when I say you’re just the type they’re looking for.

November 17, 2009: A dedicated Telus employee is working on it…

Hey, guess where I am! That’s right! NOT ONLINE!!! Apparently, a simple change to my billing information has proven a real challenge for my Internet provider, Telus. So much so that they felt it necessary to shut down my Internet access while they work on the problem. And what exactly IS the problem? Beats the he’ll out of me. I assume it’s just a matter of making the change to my billing info, just typing something into that little box. I don’t know. Maybe only unionized typists are permitted to enter information at Telus, and they only work on odd-numbered Tuesdays. Of course, that still doesn’t explain why they felt it necessary to pull the plug.

I was offline most of yesterday. The guy at tech support assured me that a dedicated Telus employee was working on it and that the problem would be solved in the morning. I was pissed to say the least – and even more so this morning when I woke up to discover the problem hadn’t been fixed. So I called back tech support and they assured me that they had one of their dedicated employees working on the problem and the problem would be solved by tomorrow morning. I politely called bullshit and pointed out that I could be paying another Internet provider for non-service. Or, even better, pay another provider for actual service! I was informed that it would take them just as long to hook me up so I might as well wait. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”asked the Telus rep.

“You mean beside the Internet service I’m paying you for? No.”

“Well then have a nice day.”

I then called customer service and explained the situation. She was appropriately outraged on my behalf and put me on hold while she addressed the issue. Moments later she was back with good news! First, I would be getting one month free for the inconvenience. And second, she had made arrangements to get me back online. Yes, she assured me that a dedicated Telus employee was working on the problem and I would be back online sometime today.

Or as late as tomorrow morning…